I think I understand.
Now I think I don’t understand.
Would you please elucidate?
Small win today. System took a dump at my job towards the end of my shift. I did what I could but once 3:30 rolled around I was done. Clocked out, didn’t care what people thought. Other people on my team, they can handle it. I’m not going to bend over backwards for this company anymore and make my life stressful.
On that note I’ve realized I’m worried about being perceived as dominant or someone really confident. Have to dig into that one more. Lately I’ve had a few moments where I felt this inner power and dominance, but it’s by myself in my own home. It seems like it slips back when I interact with people who have known me before that type of mindset. I can feel it, I know it’s there ready to be unleashed. But I hold myself back for some reason. That was an odd one. Today I noticed a lot of tension in my body and it was because I was actively suppressing this powerful state. Might have been libertine as well. But I have to figure out what I’m so afraid of to just completely let go into that power.
The twists and turns with this custom. Definitely a bit of a maze.
I’ve always tried to be stronger to the point where people can’t hurt me. But I did it in a very toxic way. There’s nothing strong about shutting most people out, in fact it’s quite weak. I think deep down there’s a part of me that’s still trying to build up a shield vs exposing myself fully.
So point being. My concept of Alpha is always shifting. And I’m learning more about what real inner strength is. I don’t want to reinvent myself anymore. I want to strengthen who I already am and be that fully in the world.
1 Like
Starting to think Libertine Ultima has a 2 day buffer period. I’ve been off and on dating apps with not much to show for it. Mind you, I’m kind of picky when it comes to women. But yesterday I matched with 2 cute girls. One I started chatting with, the other hasn’t gotten back to me. No idea if she will, but it happens. Both of them seem really chill, creative, artsy types. Could be AM too, either way seems like an improvement for me.
Still so weird running just one loop for things. Got the urge to work on music yesterday as well. Didn’t have to force myself, just kind of happened. I got a little frustrated though when I felt like I didn’t know how to move on to a different section. Seems like I’ve screwed that up so many times in the past I get sort of paralyzed about making crap decisions. Still some stuff to work through, I can feel my anxiety blocking the creative flow.
I think what it really is, is the fact that I have all this theoretical knowledge but lack application. I think I know how to do it, but in reality I don’t. It’s a strange thing, it’s like a huge gap between the idea and actually doing it. Like a wall I hit. Not sure if that’s a cognitive thing or not.
Random thoughts.
Why do I expect myself to be instantly good at everything I do? Or expect myself to figure out everything on my own without any type of aid at all?
I was watching a youtube video on writing better melodies and I just had this thought like “If you were a good musician, you wouldn’t have to look at this stuff. The fact that you are seeking out this information means you’re not one of the talented individuals who writes inspiring stuff”.
I know that’s wrong and not true. But that’s the type of pressure I’m under all the time. I just always wonder how did these people come upon these lessons that they’re teaching me? Did they learn it from somebody? Or was it all trial and error? And if it was trial and error why do I have such a hard time discovering things for myself?
I can’t say I’ve ever been someone in life that provides knowledge or wisdom to anyone. I feel like I just constantly take in ideas and information and output it. But I rarely ever synthesize my own stuff.
How do you think your new custom is working for you?
I’m not gonna lie, it’s brought up a lot of stuff that can be overwhelming just because of how much I feel I need to do still. But there’s been a lot of solid improvements in my life.
I feel like things are slowly coming together. But my life really has been a mess and I’m realizing how many years of my life were spent stuck and how I’m playing catch-up now.
Overall it does feel like it’s providing me the push to move in the direction I want, but also supporting me. So I’d say it’s been my most successful custom so far.
1 Like
I feel like I’m a little behind with my music though. This past week there’s been some momentum. But prior to that I really couldn’t sit down to work on anything and it was upsetting me. Hoping things move forward a bit more now and it’s not such a battle to keep working on projects.
1 Like
You read upon ADHD literature?
I read you hate CBT, but ADHD has cmorbidity with depression CBT ad ACT will help.
You can’t fix it, just manage it as best as possible. I don’t want to write too long of a post, but you can minimize its symptoms.
1 Like
I’m still in the process of reading. Ironically reading definitely isn’t a strength of mine so I’ve picked up a few books I haven’t cracked yet.
I’m willing to give CBT another shot. Anything you’d recommend?
Right on, man!
Not sure what happened but the past two days I’ve been close to non functional. Doing even the smallest of things fills me with so much stress and anxiety, I can’t maintain anything. It’s like my brain isn’t working for me.
Might take this week off from my custom. I only listened once this past week, but I’m wondering if the previous week was also getting processed. Might have overestimated how ready I was for a loop this week.
1 Like
Smart.
I don’t think you over- or under-estimated anything. This is just the nature of the process. Sometimes it’ll be more intense, sometimes less. Like going for a 3-month hike. The weather and the terrain will shift as you progress and as time progresses.
Not every challenge means that you did something wrong. Sometimes it just means it’s time to make an adjustment now.
EDIT: Oh, I misread. You were saying over-estimated for this week. My bad.
1 Like
This is a good point. Despite being at the whole self growth thing for years now I always expect it to be a linear process and it’s anything but. Especially with Qv2, it seems like I have to be more mindful of my day to day life stresses and how that will impact my receptivity to the sub.
Now that I’m thinking about it I may switch my listening to the evening when I’m done with work. It seems like the load that gets put on my mind and then also having to do mentally taxing stuff at my job can be a bit much. There’s definitely a heavy period about 2 to 3 hours after listening that feels like a complete cognitive disruption at times.
Lately I’ve been getting upset I haven’t been making as much music. Now for me I’ve always been hard on myself. I’ll stick with something just because I feel like I should be able to do it. Well I mentioned for a large portion of these past few months I’ve been working mostly with a modular synth. I gave this thing an honest shot, but it just doesn’t seem to agree with my brain. It creates an unnecessary barrier to getting my own musical ideas out. I like how powerful it is, I like the flexibility and creativity of it, but it just doesn’t work for me.
Example below. This was one I designed for a very specific bass sound in a track I was making. You can see it’s not the friendliest looking thing. I’ve just realized stuff like this causes unnecessary stress for me when working on music. Despite how powerful it is, it’s useless to me if I can’t actually make music for myself.
But I spent money on it, I spent money on the modules, I sunk time into learning it. I just feel bad that I couldn’t get myself to work with it. I think what gets to me is other people use it fine, so it bothers me that I can’t. What I really should be doing is focusing on finding the tools and workflows that make music making fun and inspiring for me, not an exercise in sustained mental effort that burns me out.
Custom is still drilling into my subconscious.
I seem to be heading towards complete apathy. Meaning I have such disdain for the hoops you have to jump through in life just to live. I don’t know what AM is guiding me towards, but it sure as shit isn’t another office job. In the core of my being spending the rest of my life working in an office makes me feel like throwing up.
I don’t know what I’m doing. But the past few months I’ve actually gotten worse at my job because I realized what was fueling me before was panic and anxiety. Without that there’s pretty much no motivation to do anything for this company. I keep the status quo and keep things running, but beyond that? It’s just not worth my mental health. This is partially due to the ADHD and my battle with that and partly due to the fact that this isn’t where I want to be in life. Combine those two and you have a recipe for low motivation. But most of all I’m trying to take better care of myself. And sometimes when you take care of yourself that means prioritization shifts. Obviously a company won’t like that because lets face it, we don’t exactly live in a world that’s accommodating towards people with neurodevelopmental challenges. You’re essentially a defective resource in their profit churning machine. Why would they want you when they could have someone better and more efficient? I have no doubt there are some places where people care. But for the vast majority of my life I’ve seen how things play out when you don’t fit the neat little box everyone expects you to be in. And the only thing you can do is protect and look after yourself because the kindness of others is a crapshoot.
How about three days of rest from subliminals?
1 Like
Actually I’m off this entire week for rest. And moving forward I might be maxing out at a loop a week, so 6 days of rest for me.
Please keep us posted. In a sense, you are preparing your habits for a Q+ format.
1 Like
Something I’m realizing in relation to making music is that I can’t force something to be good. More importantly putting all that pressure on myself for every single track I write to stack up to past songs I like is not the way. I need more freedom to create. And I need to stop feeling like tracks I don’t like are a waste of time. Inevitably there’s some skill building and creative exploration from it which holds value.
Easier said than done. But if I’m ever going to enjoy the process of making music again I have to let go of these demands on myself.