Ordered up my custom. Switched to my nickname from my full name for this one. I thought in my last custom if I used my full name it would help unlock more emotional stuff. But thinking about it again, very often when I was in trouble as a kid I’d be called by my first name. And most of my enjoyable moments in life with friends and family were my nickname. I also feel it’s more strongly linked to my improved self. So yeah might have created unnecessary recon in my last custom by doing that, but you live and learn.
Liminality v3
Adding a break here in my thread to mark the start of my new custom. Not here yet, but I plan to just slip it in to my current stack as a replacement. The core of ascension is the same so it shouldn't be a big deal. Also built this one out in Solace which should also add some improvements.
I can relate to you very much on this. To be honest, I don’t think there is much we can do in terms of changing the past, so we can only look forward to doing our best to live fully the remaining part of the life we have.
I have learnt not to expect the sky and the moon from subliminal audios or other self-help/therapeutic.modalities. Its better this way and I get less disappointed if things don’t work out. More important is the idea of living everyday woth gratefulness and appreciation for whatever we have.
Anyway, one trick I have learnt recently to make myself feel better is to be happy about other peoples’ success because other people’s successes (and failures) are our imagination pushed out. Perhaps you could try it out too.
1 Like
I actually did a complete 180 with this and I’ll tell you why lol. You know how Saint talks about lawyer games? This was absolutely one of them for me. Not expecting great things is the equivalent of shutting those great things out. Whether that be fear or lack of deservingness, I was actively cancelling out manifestations with this attitude of holding back.
I actually learned this is a defense mechanism for preventing future hurt based on past failures to change with other modalities. It’s like keeping a neutral energy, things stay neutral but they never explode into something greater. So while I’m not in the depths of depression I’m also not living my best life.
But this is solid advice and I’ll definitely work on this.
2 Likes
Well, you could possibly aim for the stars and at least land on the moon…
1 Like
Alright i swear I’m feeling the influence of wanted ZP and I haven’t even run it yet. And I don’t think this is Ascension? First off my sex drive is through the roof, that’s something I’ve definitely suppressed in the past and now I’m getting more comfortable with the sexual energy. Second I’m getting these sort of daydream fantasies of women just being obsessed with me, like my mind is expecting an external reality. Third I used to feel bad about the idea of not giving a woman enough attention to make her feel good, but now it’s shifting towards an expectation for me to have that experience. And taking on the mentality that they’ll like the thrill of the chase and it’s novel for them so it’s a win win.
I mean this could be ascension but it feels too close to that coquettish hot and cold mentality. And why now if I’ve been running this custom for a bit now? Granted ZP is definitely unlocking some stuff, but this feels too specific and targeted.
I’m another week out from my 21 days and then planning on stacking on wanted zp. So maybe that’s why? Am I crazy for thinking this?
Well looks like I wasn’t ready to accept that one. I just dove headfirst into recon once that awareness hit.
Yes.
First, sorry I didn’t get to you in time before you ordered. Any ways, here are my thoughts.
Fenrir
Fearsome
Foundation
Februus
Eye of the Storm
Atman
Unlimiter
Limit Destroyer Ultima Core
New Beginnings
Courage Reclaimed
Code of Loyalty
Discordia Deliverance
Divine Self-Image
Elixir Ultima Core
Empath
Energetic Development XI
Harmonic Singularity
Gratitude Embodiment
Inner Voice
Limiting People Remover
Manipulus
Natural Winner
Negative Energy Transmutation
Negativity Displacer
Negativity Shifter
Path of Forgiveness
Pride Unbroken
Sanguine
Sanctuary
Strength of Gentleness
The Boundary
Untouchable
Virtue Series: Hope
Asclepius
Health Codex
SPS: Nervous System
Codename: Umbra
Immortal’s Courage
Mountain Breaker
Vortexdive Crucible
Whispered Power
Elixir Ultima Core
1 Like
Now about your reconciliation. You can take more rest days.
No worries. Appreciate the help! I’ll keep these around for next time
I will have to start doing this. I’m not sure if I need more rest after ZP or QV2. But it feels like QV2 is the more demanding one that I don’t bounce back from as fast.
Decided I’m going to go the rest days as needed route vs a static schedule. Feels like I can be all over the place sometimes needing to be set straight vs needing to rest. It’s so variable I need something flexible to work with so I don’t under or over do it
Went from on top of the world Monday to crashing hard into feelings of wanting to quit everything I’ve ever been working on because it’s all just too much effort. Clearly recon. I felt a little better today so I ran my custom. Still very experimental with all this. I don’t know if that was the right call today.
I need to be more vigilant at spotting recon vs beating myself up for not having energy.
Currently negotiating a new position/compensation at my job. So far not liking what they’ve offered me and expected me to be happy with. They’re trying to bump me to salary but the salary wage they gave me isn’t worth the headaches of being salary. And I’m pretty much done with the whole “prove myself as a capable individual in the business world” thing, I don’t give a fuck. That means a position that tacks on more responsibility and leadership isn’t gonna make me feel fulfilled in any way, that’s just the way it is with me. I’m not gonna get an inflated ego about moving up in the hierarchy.
So yeah I needed to sit on this because initially I was like “well it’s better than what you’re making now and it would look good on the resume and you can always leave after taking it, and blah blah blah”. But it’s just that scarcity mindset, “Oh gotta take what I can get and not be picky, not a lot of other opportunities out there”. But to put myself in a position of more stress for minimal compensation? Not worth it, fuck it.
1 Like
Might have locked in a new hourly wage that will give me a bit more financial freedom and shield me from unending stress and demands from the job. Thank you manipulus and ascension. A few months ago I wouldn’t have had the balls to negotiate like I did. Still have some recon from that because I’m so unused to valuing myself and having that much leverage to get what I want. But I 100% did not trust this company putting me on salary.
I’m still adjusting to understanding when to trust people vs be on guard for the manipulation. It’s not easy. I’ve gone from fully trusting, to anger, to a more calm calculated manner of interactions. The problem is that people talk and say things that make them appear one way, but their actions send a different message. I want to trust people, at the core of my being I still feel the urge to see the best in people and always re-evaluate my perceptions of people. But it needs to be tempered with protecting myself which I still haven’t fully accessed.
People are confusing as hell and sometimes I don’t know how to feel about them.
3 Likes
Learning more nuance in my life. I think other people are complicated? Yeah how about me? I confuse the crap out of myself at times.
Today I realized that my social interactions at my job aren’t a performance. It’s genuine in the moment, but I think my emotions are constantly shifting so much I have a tendency to get lost. When I have two emotions going on simultaneously I have a tendency to think of one more “real” as the other, but it’s not that simple.
Being comfortable in my own skin has been a long term goal of mine. And it’s tough sometimes. I’ve definitely improved, but the old insecurities pop up sometimes and it’s disorienting. The end result is neither one feels solidly in place so I’m teetering between two extremes.
Having said that I’m noticing more general self acceptance. I’ve recognized I have strengths but not in the traditional expected stuff and that’s fine. In an office environment I don’t really thrive. That’s ok. There are millions of other possibilities for living life, I don’t have to tie myself to that.
ADHD is still a challenge for me. But it seems like maybe Paragon ZP is working on that too. Living with ADHD there’s always this internal criticism on what I should be able to do like everyone else and if I can’t I’ve failed in some way. Instead lately I’ve been acknowledging my strengths and not feeling bad for the things I’m not well suited for. Sitting in a chair for 8 hours performing menial tasks? No thanks, but just because I have trouble with that doesn’t make me a failure.
There’s still a lot to unpack here. And even more importantly finding my own way in life and actually enjoying it vs feeling like I’m slogging through my days just trying to keep up.
Oh and another one. I have learning anxiety. I don’t learn new things easily because it’s just one of those really bad conditionings I’ve had over the years. I cant accept being just ok at something. It’s crippling, everything feels like it needs to be amazing. This expectation on myself has made me very intellectually lazy. I’d go so far as to label something as unimportant to be good at in my life to deal with the conflict inside myself of knowing it would be valuable. I guess a part of that is the ADHD too and my issues with focus and learning over the years. It’s kind of hard to get into something and it’s either abandon, avoided, or obsessed upon to a degree it becomes unhealthy and other things fall to the wayside.
Honestly I’m surprised I’m as articulate and well spoken as I am considering I don’t even read books or engage in any type of intellectual pursuits. It’s actually one of my most shame filled aspects of myself because I feel like I’m actually quite dumb and just fooling everyone around me.
You are sounding like a different person in a good way. Congratulations!
2 Likes
Thanks! Things are coming together. I can honestly say that I’ve never been this hopeful about my life before. It’s like waking up and realizing I can do things differently. I still have a lot of fear and the bigger things I’m trying to achieve are intimidating, but I’m seeing how just staying on course eventually I break through. No matter how impossible it seems. And the small successes are stacking to the point where it’s getting harder to access my older default states. Which is huge because most of my life I’ve had to exert a lot of willpower to not fall back there. With that energy expenditure gone I can now focus it in growing my life vs preventing disaster.
I hope I reach a day where success and joyful living is normalized for me and not something that’s rare and can be snatched away at any minute like I’ve experienced in the past.
4 Likes
Messing around with my groovebox more. Still trying to get better at more live improvising type stuff.
Another more dance oriented sketch. I think the thing that holds me up sometimes with music production is there are endless ways to do things and it’s about figuring out what I like. So lots of experimentation and learning. For example learning how to add and release energy.I can contemplate the hows forever, but I think what I’m really after is the why and what resonates with me.
1 Like
I should probably report more on Paragon ZP. I keep forgetting it’s basically beta and saint and fire need all the feedback they can get.
I listened to my final loop of paragon zp last night before my washout starting tomorrow. I wish I could listen to it more often because the relaxation and peaceful state it puts me in before bed is amazing.
I’ve been feeling better overall. My posture is improving, muscle stiffness is decreasing, fatigue is lowering. I still battle off and on with some of it mostly due to other outside influences.
Paragon ZP is also making me more aware of what actions to take to improve my overall health. For example I bought a mouth guard that’s supposed to help with correcting posture a while back, but I never consistently used it. Today I decided to remold it and stick to it.
I also notice random pops and crackling, like my body is breaking free from really rigid mobility patterns. I’m close to building a new workout routine lol. But I know I have to start exercising again and I want to. It’s mostly the routine building that’s getting me stuck. I’m actually looking to get back into bodyweight isometric exercises. They aren’t the ultimate form of exercise, but it’s better than nothing. And I was able to put on a decent amount of muscle in the past when I used them. What I like about them is they’re intense, focused, and it’s short. It’s perfect for my ADHD mind where I’ll literally get bored working out if it doesn’t engage me mentally enough.
1 Like
Oh boy I think this washout is gonna start tripping me out a bit.
I’m getting this dreamlike feeling with reality. It started a few minutes ago. The external doesn’t seem as rigid and in place. The fact that future events haven’t happened yet makes me feel like I determine the outcome based on what i focus on. Lines of reality.
There’s a tendency for me to take current and past events and project those into the future as what’s going to happen. But it’s a mistake because that’s like self imposed lack of free will.
I was standing in my kitchen and I had this thought that I’m standing in a spot that had a whole different history behind it compared to mine. It might even be playing out underneath my timeline. That’s an odd feeling. Being at a physical point with multiple time periods linked to it.
Overall I get this feeling that my tiny bubble of a world is being viewed from the outside and there’s an ocean of other things around me.
I am thoroughly confused and I think I need to reorient myself to things. But the former home or anchor point isn’t the reality I want.
1 Like
Early am post cuz why not?
I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about the challenges of music production. One thing he made me realize is I have to stop blocking what naturally expresses itself. Even if I don’t like it, let it be created then move onto the next thing. I’ve never worked on a piece of music that sounded better after fighting the initial idea.
It’s not that I don’t like what I’m creating or expressing. It’s that I have trouble accepting it because it doesn’t match expectations. The only way to get there is to keep making music and one day the creative expression and skill will hit the same level. For now the skill and execution is lacking and that’s what I get upset about, not the ideas, creativity, or emotion behind it.