Liminality custom Qv2

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#441

So I ran Paragon ZP earlier in the day because I was curious how I’d respond to it and yeah that’s definitely a night time one for me. And I see what they meant about not driving after listening, I 100% would not trust myself behind a wheel of a car after running it. Motor skills delayed, a little foggy, less reactive, it’s like a deep state of trance I have to slowly work my way out of.

But so far with Paragon I’ve noticed improvement in my overall posture. This is something I’ve been working on correcting for a while now but various muscular tensions in my body made it difficult to maintain because I always got pulled back into bad posture. Particularly the psoas muscle. It’s only recently I’ve noticed a loosening of that and a release and I was more upright without effort. Some definite body shifting/spontaneous re-arranging. It’s like when I relax instead of collapsing into poor posture, my body actually straightens itself out.

Running Paragon ZP I notice a few minutes after I’m done with my one loop the heavy emotional feelings arise. Another good reason to run during the night as these feelings derailed my day today. I had to sit quietly with them and consciously turn off my suppression mechanism I’m guilty of having on far too often.

I’m glad I chose this title to run. Interestingly enough when it came to physical health a lot of my thoughts moved towards my job and understanding how stress impacts me physically. So it doesn’t entirely originate inside of me, but I guess my mind still sees it as part of the same ecosystem and is working on a solution. That combined with my custom to deal with manipulation and attachments seems to have a pretty good synergistic effect. Basically working on cutting out a metaphorical cancer in my life. Either by getting a new job or changing how I react to this one.

I am having a lot more existential thoughts. But not in a like “life is all meaningless” way. More like “life is bigger than this tiny tiny sphere of influence you reside in”. It’s like taking a step back and looking at life and telling myself there’s more to this than what I’ve immersed myself in for the past 10 years. Breaking thought patterns that just tied me to things like depression, anxiety, self hate, etc. There’s a new world for me to discover and I want to, not the same old one I’m familiar with. Small steps to getting there.

And also a big one for me is I’ve stopped comparing myself to others as much. I don’t want to say it’s all gone, but it’s like I’m writing my own story. What they did or didn’t do has no relevance to my own development. I’m living an entirely different life, different circumstances, different person, it does me no good to compare myself. Obviously I’ve thrown that line at myself over the years over and over, but it never came from me internally. It felt like I was imposing it on myself. It feels more like a shift has occurred and I’m just naturally describing how my mindset is starting to think of things now.

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#442

Track I finished recently. This one was done with pre-sequenced parts I switched to on the fly and sort of performed live and just recorded. I liked it and it really opened my eyes to what I was missing with capturing the sort of spirit or aliveness with my tracks. I always really struggled with composing stuff with built in tension and release if I wasn’t actually performing it, I can’t calculate it too well in my head.

The downside is as immediately gratifying as it is to compose like this, I’m limited in the amount of things I can do at once. More embellishment is difficult unless i get into overdubbing with the tape. At the same time I heard this with drums, pad, and bass and felt like it didn’t need much else. But still I had that lingering feeling of feeling like I needed to add more to it.

Fair warning you’re gonna get tape hiss on this. It’s pretty lo-fi.

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#443

Going through some serious emotional stuff right now. Last night I was having trouble getting to sleep because my past kept coming up. This is something I bury a lot. I tell myself “you’re an adult now, the past is the past. Move on”. But I rarely let go of the emotional pain associated with it. I know this is an anchor in my life pulling me away from the present and I’ve struggled with it for years.

Basically I struggled a lot as a kid and teen. But my parents just didn’t seem to notice or they did and thought I’d sort it all out. And it just sucks because I feel like ive woken up at 30 and things are just fucked and I have to fix them.

It was like a horrible domino effect which I’m taking responsibility for now. But at the same time I think to myself, damn I got swindled out of a lot of my life.

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#444

Really want to run wanted ZP, but I’ll finish out my 21 days with paragon zp then add it. Need to be disciplined with this stuff for myself because i can’t risk derailing my overall progress with everything.

#445

Having some mental shifts today. I feel like I have something to offer the world with my music.

Usually I have this feeling like my music is unique and something special, but I quickly stomp all over it and say I’m just being arrogant and narcissistic. But I’m feeling more lately, why not believe it’s unique? Why not feel good about it and take pride in it?

You know so often I have such a fear of turning into a narcissistic out of touch asshole that I keep myself down. That if I actually liked my work and felt it was capable of taking me places that I’d start writing shit or lose perspective on what sounds good.

Some deeper insight popping up here. It seems like my dislike of my music has more to do with it coming from me vs the music itself. As if anything that comes from me is just automatically worse than anything else. I see my music as an extension of myself and my relationship with myself isn’t good. So inevitably whatever I write I’ll never be ok with until I fix the internal. In that respect the music is more like a mirror reflecting back all my deeper feelings.

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#446

Ran my custom earlier today. Towards the end of my shift our network shits out at work. Go upstairs to an important department to inform and check things out.

Inform everyone in a short few sentences of what’s going on. One girl asks “was that your big announcement?” But the sass on her was unreal, I just laugh in her face and go “why yes it was”. Another guy is like “no pressure to fix it or anything just a bunch of people unable to work is all”. Ignore him and just do my thing. Normally these comments send me through the roof, but today I’m just like “yeah whatever if that’s the way you wanna be I don’t give a fuck”.

No panic, no worry about appearing like I’m doing all I can for the outage and scrambling. Just calmly assessing the situation and figuring things out. Oddly enough people don’t like to see that, they want to see panic frantic energy to get things done. I tend to be fine in crisis situations like this because I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life, it’s nothing special. And all this event is, is something given so much importance it becomes anxiety provoking.

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#447

Well dreams were weird last night. One of them I was in some house and characters were coming out of the tv and into reality. Except they were ruthless beings. Just walked over to some guy sitting on a chair and ripped his head off. But I think the terrifying thing in that dream was the ease it did it with. Idk something about a human head separating from the body guts and all like tearing paper is unsettling. I guess it’s a representation of powerlessness.

Other dream was a sex dream with a girl I know. And it was just odd it came about. I haven’t talked to her or seen her in months. Not sure what sparked that in my head.

#448

Trying this listening pattern out for the full 21 days. But this might be too much Qv2 for me in a week. Yesterday I couldn’t get much done at work which was stressful. Then I came home ate, laid down in bed and just couldn’t move or do anything productive. I told myself I’d rest for about 20 minutes then work on some music. But the overwhelm feeling never went away and I ended up calling it a night at 9pm. Which really fucks me up emotionally because I hate losing the rest of my day to stuff like this. To clarify this isn’t low energy or tiredness. It’s like an overwhelmed feeling. And doing the smallest of things fills me with this feeling of stress like I can’t summon the willpower to do it. Even just thinking of working on my music or just sitting down to write a drum pattern just stressed me out because my brain couldn’t put together the proper steps without getting overwhelmed. And lots of rage too, yesterday at work I wanted to flip my desk over and punch my monitors because I couldn’t get my brain working for me.

I’ve noticed people on this forum mention overexposure symptoms and a lot of it matches executive dysfunction problems found in ADHD. I get stuff like that without subs, so piling the subliminals on top of that can cause issues.

I don’t think this is related to ZP or Paragon. This feels like my usual “I’ve done too much Qv2 this week” sort of dysfunction.

Going to take my medication today to help me make it through my work today. Tonight is a ZP run, which I’ll probably do because Paragon ZP helps me get to sleep.

#449

On the subject of alignment. Where’s the line between accepting yourself vs a clever tactic for your mind to shy away from a challenge or change?

Giving an example. I’m running my custom with ascension in it. I want to be more confident. I grew up quiet and awkward and out of place. And I was damn near afraid of everything which is fucking humiliating.

I just don’t see myself as a masculine confident guy at times. Ok most the time. I still feel like an awkward socially inhibited person playing the role of someone who’s confident to blend in. I catch glimpses of the confidence and then shit happens that makes me act in ways that cause me to cringe and I feel like I’m blowing smoke up my own ass.

I feel like ascension has this edge to it I’m either afraid of or not grasping, or it’s not in alignment with my character. I’ve made some changes without a doubt, but I feel more like I’m trying hard to convince myself I am this masculine confident guy vs being one.

Ugh I don’t know. I’m not gonna stop this custom anytime soon but I’m really struggling with not feeling like a keyboard warrior when it comes to all this.

I want my actions to be in line with my mentality. Not just solely existing in fantasy land where I’m alone and feel more confident. But I want to be comfortable in my own skin too and not be overly obsessed with how I come across.

I don’t know deep down I think I want this. But I think of something like the Stark personality or wanted and it feels like my mind would be more comfortable with that. Something about ascension makes me serious and confrontational but it feels external and I can’t get behind it. I can’t tell if that’s growth needed or I’m at odds with what it’s trying to do and my mind can’t put 2 and 2 together to make it an actionable cohesive whole.

I’ll say this my coping strategy for my social anxiety in the past was the fight response and my life has felt like a constant confrontation when interacting with people. It’s exhausting. It also leads to a lot of weird communication or assumptions about me because people think I’m an asshole when really I just have anxiety. So do I really need more fire in what’s already a raging inferno?

Goddamnit I don’t know. This is really confusing

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#450

Maybe reconciliation here. I’m getting these goals fuck it. Even if it doesn’t feel like “who I am”. At this point I don’t even know who me is because I’ve been so terrified of just being myself fully.

Too much thinking. Too much analyzing tied up in who I am. Too much attachment to old parts of me. Too much.

#451

Yeah you know what this all is? I know the end result of ascension is people arent gonna like me. Throughout my life I’d rather subject myself to manipulation and poor treatment if it meant someone would think better of me. Fuck that. I need to change.

Wanted ZP might be on hold. It’s paragon ZP and my custom all the way from here on out. I might tweak it again with some of the new modules that came out and substitute out ARES for something else more gentle. Further refine this custom, it’s good but it could be better. Just don’t know if throwing wanted zp in the mix would be good. I suppose I could try it out and see how I feel.

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#452

the more i read your posts i feel like im reading my own journal sometimes hahahaha,

have you thought about lowering the volume of your playlist?

i used to pump the volume to one press lower than 50% so that would be about maybe 45%,
and id wake up tired a bit and sleep wouldnt feel sufficient, but the last 2 days i tried putting the volume one more press, so its about 35% now, and i woke up feeling better, lesser recon, and better sleep quality

but im still hesitant about that my sub mind might not get the script fully cuz its kinda low, (im using hd 280 sennhisers on my iphone 10 XSMax)

so you might wanna try to lowering the volume see if that helps

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#453

Funny you mention that. I usually listen to my custom at work which is a slightly higher volume than home. I’m next to a server room that gives off a lot of droning white noise so I’m always worried if I play it too low it’ll drown out the sub. I’ll mess with the volume a bit the next time I run it.

But I share similar worries lol. I’ve messed around with volume a lot in the past and got obsessive about it. But I definitely do better with low volume.

#454

yeah man it gets me so anxious, and i keep checking the forum before bed and searching “Low Volume” hahahha but yeah i guess ill stick to low volume or at least “Low” compared to 45% percent

30% is on the low side

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#455

@RVconsultant Wondering if you could lend me some ideas if you have the time. I’m rebuilding my custom and I want to focus on more gentle healing or limited healing in general. When you initially proposed the idea to me a few months back I had too much shame wrapped up in not being able to handle heavy healing and needing to take a soft approach. But I’m making adjustments to make my custom work as well as possible for me.

You had recommended februus which I’ll probably include. Any other suggestions you think would be good? I still have to go through some of the newer modules but I’m looking to shift my approach a bit now that I’m using zp as well.

#456

Definitely going to tweak this custom to target more stuff, less healing focus because I feel zp is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that department.

But I’m going to incorporate the Ultimate Music Producer module again, I miss that. And I have been focused on music production lately so it doesn’t make any sense to leave it out.

My justification was that I was gonna focus on really weak areas and sort of wait then add it. But lately I feel like it’s part of the big picture for me. I don’t want to put it on the back burner anymore.

Doing some module shopping today. I think with all this growth I’ve realized my weak points more, but more importantly I’ve learned how best to approach things to grow. And it’s definitely not about beating myself into submission until I change. How I feel I should respond to subs and grow vs how I actually respond are two very different things. And I’m more conscious of not creating an internal tug of war inside myself or treating parts of myself as an enemy to be overcome or defeated.

It’s just odd how you can have this conscious impression of how everything’s working, but run these subs and your subconscious is like “well actually that’s not true at all and that’s not how any of this growth is going to go down”. Certainly a maze. But I do feel an internal guidance from ZP that’s pointing me towards things that will help more.

Hmm thinking about it even more and definitely coming off what Saint was talking about. I seem to be hyperfocused on prevention in my life. Meaning making myself stronger to never be taken advantage of. But I’m operating out of fear alone. New ideas for a custom coming in now. I need to break this cycle more and get out of this “I’m in danger” mindset.

#457

Hot damn had a huge reconciliation episode after listening to my custom today.

Let me just say this, what Ascension is developing in me scares the shit out of me. Every single part of it, I’m being forced to face things that I don’t want to face. I’ve made it through life so far making my own bubble but it’s incredibly fragile. One thing going wrong or things that don’t fit within my sphere of being able to handle and shit goes sideways fast. I have a very shaky foundation and I’m tired of stumbling through life landing in situations that are ok, but having an ever present anxiety hanging around that says “yeah but if you didn’t have this what the hell would you do”?

Anyway I’m still reworking my custom. I think the core of ascension is the most important part, but everything else is more flexible. The reconciliation was me almost building a new custom with Utimate Artist as the core. I liked UA don’t get me wrong, but it’s not exactly foundation building.

So basically I had an internal back and forth, lots of stress and swearing at myself. A UA custom felt good, I was comfortable with it. So I thought “hey maybe this is better for me”. But upon further reflection creating that custom with UA would be a clever comfort zone seeking habit. Just because it felt good didn’t mean it was right. Yes the ideas I had for running UA were in alignment with myself, but I knew I was using it as an attempt to escape in a way. To get away from the challenges of life I’ve tried to completely sidestep throughout my life and has landed me in the mess I am now.

So to sum up. Yeah ZP seems to have shot my custom into overdrive and I’m filled with a mild panic right now because I’ve realized where my walled off potential is, but at the same time I have an excessive amount of fear about moving past it. That’s the reason for the custom rework, there are some modules I want to use to get me past this wall. It’s no longer about my past hurting me, but the future and no longer suppressing myself as much.

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#458

Congratulations on your progress, keep it up.

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#459

New potential custom. I’m going to sit on it for a bit to see if there’s anything I want to change. But I’ve cut out a few healing modules as ZP handles a lot of healing, based on what Saint said before. I think the only overt one in here is FEBRUUS, the others have a more specific focus. Anyway here’s what I’m thinking and an outline of my reasoning behind them.I think this should pair pretty well with ZP

Ascension Q Core

FEBRUUS
Unlimiter
Potentiator

Unlimiter for relentless limitation removal along with potentiator. FEBRUUS for a more refined approach for things that get stuck.

Gratitude Embodiment
Starfilled Night
Joie de Vivre
Inner Voice

General life improvement. Gratitude is always important to develop, starfilled night to further pull me out of my tunnel visioned focus I get on the world at times. Inner voice, it’s done well for me in taming how nasty I’ve been to myself in the past. And Joie de Virve for building a life of joy.

Ultimate Music Producer
The Spotlight
Trailblazer

Self explanatory. Continue to build my music production skills and also build my presence online. Trailblazer for innovation and general creativity within the music production. I don’t know about helping people with it though like the description says, but I’m going to give it a shot to see how it works in the custom.

Omidimensional
The Merger of Worlds
Current Invoker
Jupiter

Manifestation improvement. Current invoker has always interested me, but I’ve never been able to capitalize on it due to fear. Merger of worlds is a must for me, strengthening the link between the subconscious and conscious helped a lot. Omnidimensional just general result enhancement. And jupiter to build my active manifesting skills.

Foundation
Manipulus
Sanguine
Stress Displacement
Negative Energy Transmutation

Foundation has been good for preventing dissociative episodes in myself. That combined with stress displacement because stress is what often triggers the need to detach for me at times due to over-stimulation. Sanguine for overall calm. And manipulus to 100% keep out the snakes that want to ruin my quality of life for their own gain. Negative energy transmutation is also good for using potential negativity around me to energize me more.

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Main Disc. Thread - Zero Point Custom Build Questions
#460

Man I don’t know what happened. I feel like this is the worst recon I’ve been through in a while.

I can’t change the past. How my life unfolded is just a sequence of events and any blame or feelings of not trying hard enough serve no purpose in the present moment. All that matters is the present and future for me.

I struggled a lot in the past but I’m going to make up for it now. There’s always been this feeling inside of me that because I’ve got all these challenges my happiness in life is capped. Like the best I can do is functional or just surviving. But I want more than that. I want to push past all those limits that tell me what’s possible for my own life.

I’ve got a lot of baggage. I’m traumatized in a way from all my micro failures over the years. Having ideas I don’t follow up on, having trouble doing the bare minimum for self care, people poking and proding me to do things that I know I should do but just couldn’t, putting myself in situations where people take my energy and I basically roll over and die because I’m too afraid to move to something else due to strong imposter syndrome.

It all adds up but in a very subtle way where I’m pretty much blind to possibilities or wall them off. Truthfully I don’t know how to tackle any of this except awareness and to just keep going. I still don’t feel like its possible for me to reach.

I don’t know if anyone relates to that. To have this internal feeling of you as a person can’t be more than what you’ve struggled with for years. It feels hard to break free because I’ve been trying to break free for years now. It’s not so much the behaviors or actions in life, those have improved. It’s just this internal state that feels like a stretched rubber band and I seem to always snap back at some point.

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