Pretty much questioning everything at this point. I’ve mentioned it before but I suck at planning because I can’t even come up with a plan. They all seem wrong like they’re missing the point of life.
Example. Getting a better job, more experience, more money. For what? There’s a benefit there with security and maybe more money to invest in music, but it just feels like I’m chasing my tail trying to go after something in the biggest detour possible.
I don’t like my branching possibilities that stem from my experiences in this world so far. They suck, they’re limited, and they just repeat the same old tired shit like fear and security seeking.
The real problem to me is I don’t like how most people are encouraged to go about life. And I really don’t like the expectations to keep climbing the ladder in businesses. I pretty much just got promoted to a more managerial role and that’s not my strength by a long shot. I’m trying it out but I’m going to clash with this I know.
So screw it. That’s why I’m gonna run wanted zp. Have some fun on this earth before I die. My life has been too serious and annoying and I’m tired of that.
Shit well I don’t know what I was expecting here lol. Washouts usually pull up a lot of shit for me to deal with, zp is no exception.
I was on a subreddit for system admins the other day. I just saw people being worked to death by corporations and taking abuse. Some even took pride in it. I thought to myself, do I really even want to subject myself to this shit anymore? Granted it’s probably not IT as a whole, just who you work for. But some of the stories are just terrible. Security vulnerability detected, sys admin makes recommendations, top dog says too expensive, vulnerability leads to crypto attack, systems down lost productivity, sys admin working overtime to fix a vulnerability he warned about and at the same time being hounded by a C level to get things up and running as soon as possible. That’s all kinds of level of fucked that I never want to deal with.
If I stay in this field I definitely need to learn how to not tolerate bs that ruins both my physical and mental health. Problem is there are so many yes men in this field making it worse for others. I admit I was one of those, but not anymore.
Really weird dream. I was fighting in a world that was ending. Nuclear fallout impending doom type stuff. But then I had a moment of clarity and I picked up and looked at a flower that was on the ground. I’ve never in my life had a dream with such realistic images. I realized in that moment that there are only so many things I can control, inevitably being afraid and trying to figure out ways to stop it does no good. I need to value the relationships I have and make the most of what’s here now vs trying to prevent some future disaster.
My own death doesn’t scare me. I’ve been trying to accomplish getting my life together for a while now and it’s been tough. But it’s shown me there are more things to life than the common narrative we’ve been fed. In that respect I value connection and the human experience more than the material. The irony being I’m the most avoidant person I know. So that seems to be my challenge I have to overcome in this lifetime.
What I am afraid of? Losing people, losing time with them, getting swept up in manipulative forces that decrease my ability to be present with those I care for, having time move too fast or losing track of time, not sharing myself more fully with those that deserve it.
This was off of wanted zp I’m assuming because Paragon ZP never spurred on these thoughts. Beyond the hot cold seduction of wanted, I saw something else in the description. Wanted ZP looks like it encourages radical authenticity and a mentality of wholeness flaws and all. I often considered myself a walking contradiction and kind of complicated. I thought I needed to fix that, but I think the real solution is being in the world more and interacting from a level where I don’t feel the need to hide that. Healing through exposure and understanding that these flaws don’t make or break my relationships with people and I don’t need to strive for perfection.
Thinking more and more about my situation and jobs in general. I’m gearing up for all this manipulation defense and whatnot. And this probably is related to the dream I had, but the focus is all wrong. Defending myself from manipulation and surviving in a manipulative environment is the last line of defense. It’s there to prevent me from incurring any more adverse physical and emotional damage. But the thing I should really be focused on is finding an environment that’s supportive and I can thrive in where I don’t have to be on guard.
It happens in life, but I have to make damn sure I don’t I take these occurrences and paint my whole world with it. I have no desire to constantly be at war or analyzing people’s intentions. It’s a skill in the toolbox but by no means should it be my primary mode of living.
In my dream I think the flower symbolized the beauty of the world, positivity, and hope. So often in my life that’s been gone, but not because it wasn’t there. It’s that I didn’t focus on it enough and shift where my attention went. I didn’t think it was strong enough to carry me on its own and I needed to constantly be ready for the next thing around the corner ready to mess me up. But if you live your life in that anticipatory anxious state, you lose out on a lot.
Had a dream last night that I came to the realization I’m under demonic possession. Really uncomfortable stuff. As always i don’t take that literally. In this case my “demon” is the chronic negativity I have a tendency to inflict on myself and a barrier that obstructs me from happiness.
I didn’t sleep well at all last night. It was rough today. My body was ramping up in temperature last night too. I’m usually cold as hell during the winter. I feel like a computer that needs better cooling for ZP processing lol.
Anyway I’m continuing to reinforce boundaries at my job and look after myself more. But what a fucking pain in the ass. This whole company is messed up and constantly drags others into a state of panic and frantic last minute things. I’ve realized just how often I have to make a very strong conscious decision to not be dragged into their chaos. Going to see how long this can last for me before someone has an issue. I’m going to chill here until I can find something else. But for right now I’m going to enjoy my small win with having more financial security
Ran Wanted ZP and Paragon ZP last night. Tried a casual listening session while just hanging out reading up on music production stuff. Usually I go full on meditative, but wanted to see how it effected me without doing that. An interesting thing with ZP is it doesn’t drag me internally as much as Qv2 and cause me to lose focus. I’ve had times listening to my Qv2 custom at work and had trouble focusing.
But the recon is in full swing today. Here’s the thing, I know intuitively what’s wrong and what I really need to do. It’s just a matter of doing it. Which is hard for me. But the gap to actually doing it feels like it’s decreasing. As ridiculous as it sounds that I’m not taking real world action, there is very real action taking place in my mental space to build a bridge to the external. I guess you could say the fear or aversion or avoidance isn’t a strong as a feeling so things are starting to feel more actionable or possible.
For example despite getting this raise and promotion at work, I’m closer than ever to looking for somewhere else that will treat me fairly and actually help build up my skillset vs causing me to drown in a sea of work. About 2 years ago I’d think to myself “You’re lucky you have this position because nobody would want your skills and you’re basically useless in this world”. Now I feel like the job market is a joke, employment is just a game, just leverage my own personal power and say fuck it. Am I an incredibly skilled individual in this field? No. But I also don’t care, I can do a job and learn. And ultimately I’m now seeing all these prerequisites in my own mind for attaining jobs or getting more money were an illusion. Just beliefs passed down from my parents and people around me growing up. There’s absolutely no truth to them. Which means I’m cultivating a power internally that transcends the outer world.
It’s hazy but it’s like an expanding awareness. Whenever I reached for a book or read articles for guidance on life I realize none of them are truths. And looking at them in that way and building an almost reliance on them was a mistake. I’m now more secure in understanding that my own intuition and insights aren’t flukes, but a skill. But even when I was younger I had a desire to walk my own path and not listen to others or the masses. I’ve always been very skeptical of anyone who claimed they were speaking a truth. My path has always been a bit roundabout and not straight forward, but certainly not wrong.
Now for the recon. The recon is a combination of trying to figure out how to live fully in this world as myself, no compromises and figuring out how to transcend the fear that prevents me from doing it. Additionally the recon is stemming from Ascension and its push to not have me take crap from people and to stand up for myself. Setting up boundaries makes me feel like an asshole, but I don’t think I am. My biggest issue in life? Fake niceness and passive aggressive behavior in people. Deep down I always try to see the good in people and every once in a while the fake niceness throws me for a loop where my own needs get sacrificed because I tend to the needs of another person more. My goal is to retain being a kind person, I don’t want to be some cynical angry person with my eyes constantly scanning for manipulation. But I want to make it clear to others I have clear boundaries and you don’t get to overstep them or take advantage of my kind disposition.
Having said that I realize nice guy behavior isn’t the flawed behavior or a character defect like most of those books try to break you out of. It’s a certain disposition, sensitivity, empathy, and idealism that never had boundaries put in place to avoid manipulation. It’s easy to throw away niceness and be ruthless. It’s much harder to retain that, see the grey in every situation, but know enough to look after yourself and ensure the best outcome for you. That’s a hell of a lot of processing to do on an internal level, but ultimately I do feel a responsibility within myself to not add to the hatred and negativity of this world.
It’s been hard but ZP has been showing me more of me. @Malkuth You had posted this a while back which I’m feeling fully today.
Met a girl online who happens to also make music. See where this goes. I’m making more of an effort to message anyone I have interest in. Mainly using okcupid, but they’ve paywalled off that whole platform. I most certainly suck at it.
But I’m noticing with wanted zp I’m honing in more with my type of girl I’m interested in. I like when they are weird, creative, and just in general free spirited. Which makes sense considering I’m an INFP. There’s definitely certain MBTI types I click with more than others.
The good news tonight I sat down and worked on music. Despite how daunting it was or how burned out I was at the end of the day.
The bad news, nothing was coming together for a bit and had me ready to throw my drum machine across the room. This is moreso the fact I’m absolutely sick of sitting down to create with inspiration and motivation and have it drain out of me at the first sign of what I’m creating not being up to my standards.
My biggest issue I run into is a lot of my music is lacking energy. I like introspective chill stuff but sometimes I just want to create high energy danceable tracks and i have no idea why that’s so difficult for me. Probably the simple answer, I haven’t practiced that stuff near enough as I should have so now I struggle with falling back into old familiar ideas and comfort zones when it doesn’t come together as easily as I expect it to.
So I think I’ve managed to narrow things down and figured out why the additional rest days started becoming necessary for me. ZP recon is a lot more manageable for me. It’s my custom that was throwing me for a loop and because it was sandwiched right in between it stacked up fast.
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve moved to the entirely new custom. It’s still heavy processing wise, but by removing more healing modules I seemed to have lightened the load.
Going to be going back to the every other day schedule. I think I can manage it now but we’ll see.
Worked on some music last night and things came together better. I’m learning to let go and trust my intuition. It’s painfully obvious to me how badly I step on the writing process by holding back and denying creative decisions before I’ve even executed them. The result being there are probably a lot of good ideas I squash because I fear they will be bad when they manifest in reality. Have to get over that fear and just focus on creating.
Also bought my first hardware synth. This thing makes beautiful pads and atmospheres. It’s wavetable based so I can get a lot of Tangerine Dream sci-fi ish otherworldly stuff. But it’s very versatile. Now that I’ve amassed all this gear I’m going to focus on putting it to use. No more excuses, I have everything I need now.
Synth is dope. Super intuitive interface, really good usable preset sounds.
I didn’t do much except noodle around on it yesterday just playing chords and melodies. Little riffs and such. What surprised me though was how I intuitively knew where to go on the keyboard to get the expression I wanted. I haven’t done any piano lessons or anything recently, this seems to be the ultimate music producer module I recently put into my custom having an effect. It’s like getting things right whereas before there was a gap between the ideas and feelings vs outward expression. If I had to sum it up in one word it feels like I’m lucky. Like I’m just guessing things but it works out. I think what’s really going on here though is a more intuitive process I’m not aware of. It reminds me of the advice with music theory, forgot who said it but it was basically “learn everything, then forget it”. I think they meant the forget it as a way to tap into your own intuition and trust the framework you built to improvise upon.
But anyway feeling good about this and the creative ideas I have in my head. It’s like this raw creative energy but I had difficulty channeling it. Feels like I’m closing the gap. Next thing I need to work on is fleshing out an entire song. I realize that’s still not an intuitive process for me and that’s what frustrates me when creating because I feel my 8 bar loop can’t go anywhere.
Alright maybe the two day rests in between was a good idea. I couldn’t focus at work today. Felt like my mental ability was crippled and anything beyond that was causing stress as I had to fight to focus.
I’ll say this, on the day of listening ZP feels fantastic. When it has time to settle though it can be rough. Especially when Qv2 is already loaded up in the queue. Today I’m unfortunately bogged down in some heavy processing because the initial high of ZP wore off and it hit me more.
Always have to remind myself, it’s the days AFTER listening where the work is done. So even though I’m adhering to a recommended schedule it’s very possible it’s not the schedule for my own mind at this point in time.
This confirms my theory that yes ZP can momentarily pull you out of recon, but when it has time to settle it gets added to what you were processing before.
Trying to clean and pack to prepare for my move. This is incredibly challenging for me so I’m breaking it up into sections. But now I’m procrastinating by posting on this forum. Gonna reward myself after with some music making.
Definitely taking today off for another rest day. I still am amazed at how the initial impact from both Qv2 and ZP ripples for days before settling. I guess the key for me isn’t complete stillness but getting the days right so I don’t overload myself.
Feeling down today, doubtful, lost. Most certainly not wanted lol. I know it’s gonna pass. Truthfully my goal with wanted zp was just to get to the point where I just experienced meeting more women and boost my own self image. But I can tell it’s a big fucking step and my mind is resisting making the jump a lot. I think the desire is there, but the fear holds back the manifestation of it.
There are definitely noticeable improvements. I’m advocating for myself better with my job and not letting it run me into the ground, I’m not as stuck in a pattern of panic and anxiety, and it feels like I’m able to treat myself better. All really good things.
But I feel like the switch hasn’t flipped fully if that makes any sense. There are moments where I revert to undesirable behavior and have to redirect myself. Those are the moments when I’m most vulnerable to excessive negative thoughts on my life and who I am as a person.
Thanks @RVconsultant going through some reconciliation right now and it’s hard to see. I’m sure it will be clearer once I come out of this. Appreciate you dropping by.
So for the past two days I’ve been dragging and a mess emotionally. It’s weird because I start to feel better right as I’m about to go to sleep but actual sleep resets the cycle.
But as my day comes to a close I’m getting insight into why wanted zp is hitting me like a sledgehammer for reconciliation. What I’ve realized is I struggle with body dysmorphia a lot more than I consciously realized. And it doesn’t help that the past few years have been so rough for me in general I haven’t maintained as healthy of a weight as I should have and stopped exercising completely. To clarify I’m not overweight, I’m bordering underweight. I’m 6 foot 1 and weigh 155lbs.
But body dysmorphia hits me in several different ways. They all suck. It seems like wanted zp is working on getting me to be more comfortable with my own body. I shrugged this off for years, but it’s clear to me now how much emotional distress I put myself into over small flaws in my appearance. Consequently that has also kept me out of dating any women because I could never bring myself to feel attractive enough for anyone. As vain as that sounds.
5 days of rest start today. One thing I’m trying to do and having a really hard time with is being tough but fair. I don’t want to be a hugely aggressive guy, but I recognize I’m way too easy going.
I’m just finding a hard time finding a blend of the two. There are some temperaments that have been with me for a while that contribute to my empathy and insight with others. But sometimes I just don’t want that or don’t know how to calibrate that enough to get my point across without leaving holes for more manipulation.
