Recon’s probably going to decrease too the more you internalize the script. 
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Very true. I can tell you right now a lot of that recon I experience is directly tied to being more assertive. It didn’t register until I went through this episode these past few days. Loading up on the loops for a week really hammered the assertiveness home with how much of a priority it needed to be.
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Actually proud of myself today and I don’t say that lightly because I expect huge things from myself. But today at work I was able to maintain a comfortable pace and not get pushed into that over active state where I do too much. I did what I did to solve problems to the best of my ability that didn’t burn me out.
Our main server hit a huge slowdown this morning and a flood of tickets came in. I just worked on the problem and calmly replied when I had a second. I don’t control this, it happens. Our system has flaws that I’ve been handcuffed into dealing with. So I’ve stopped telling myself I was doing something wrong by not preventing downtime. I will fix issues as they arise but aside from that I don’t get paid nearly enough to go into database administration and that’s actually an entirely separate field of study. My point being today I just truly didn’t care what people thought of my competency at this job or how hard I was working. I’m starting to see how much better things can be for me when I strictly enforce those boundaries more.
It’s taking a lot of conscious effort but it’s much needed. I came home today from work with more energy and less of a rundown feeling. Still a little bit of recon. Random bouts of sadness that appear. Usually the trigger being listening to music I like and getting this longing for being there too with my own stuff but struggling. It’s a certain kind of sadness/stress that creeps up on me. I think part of it is also definitely the fact that sometimes I want to write music but the whole process becomes too difficult and I get overwhelmed. Just stuff I’m still trying to work through on top of daily living stuff.
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This breakthrough was brought to you by the word:
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I feel like I’m on strike lol. But after I’ve slowed down with all this I noticed something. Almost everyone in this company is scrambling to catch up on work. So that leads me to believe 2 things. 1 the business is growing and they’re still trying to get by with less people and doubling up on work. The workload slowly crept in so people didn’t have the chance to outright reject it. 2. I’m surrounded by workaholics and if my priority over my own mental health becomes a major issue for this company I’m out.
But one thing is for certain, I’m not gonna panic to finish things like everyone else. Those days are behind me. I’m drilling into my head everyday, this is not my responsibility if the workload is too much.
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Got high last night. I wish I could access the places I do when sober but for some reason weed gives me direct access to more hidden parts of myself.
At one point when I was meditating I felt the tension in my body start to dissipate but lightly vibrating all over. Sort of like when you get the chills but more constant.
One very interesting thing I noticed was that I’m holding myself back. I’m actively repressing what ascension is trying to bring out. I can’t explain it that well, but imagine your mind trying to execute things subconsciously and automatically but you exert willpower with making sure that doesn’t happen. So you burn energy trying to hold things back.
I’m like 90% certain this is me being afraid of allowing this part of myself to express itself in the real world. Some kind of self preservation thing, but it’s misguided and causing me more issues.
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Got an app I use for astrology based stuff. It’s pretty accurate a lot of the time. Here’s what popped up today which is pretty much in alignment with my previous post.
I think one of my issues is and always has been I have no desire to fit into a typical masculine role. I’ve battled this for years. This underlying anxiety of needing to be more confident, assertive, tough, more outspoken, etc the list goes on. Close to 10 years I’ve been at this game now. After a certain point you’d think I’d stop and realize that what I’m pushing for might not actually be in alignment with who I want to be, but just a goal based on insecurity I’ve built up over the years.
I can’t help but think of the tester running qzp wanted and realizing he didn’t actually want what it was trying to do. Am I dealing with recon right now? Or is ascension not really for me?
Nothing is being imposed on me with this custom I created. But I just wonder if something like stark would adapt to my mind better.
I’m more than just a man. I’m a human being, I’m way more dynamic than that. I don’t like rigid roles, yet I’ve somehow put myself in one.
It could also be possible I’m actively interpreting the programming in ascension through that narrow limiting lense I’ve come to think of when it comes to masculinity. Even so, I don’t know how to actively not do that.
Hmmmm. You know it’s hard to just take action and do things in life when as a person I don’t even exist fully in the world. I’m most myself by myself and around people I trust. Outside of that I’ve dealt with my anxiety by performing a role that I can’t seem to drop.
These are definitely my problems to deal with. I recognize this isn’t a universal struggle. Some guys just fit nicely into that shape society expects. Which is cool. But that’s not me. And some people arent gonna get it and point the finger at me like it’s my fault I’m different.
Having said all that. This might just be another layer of bullshit I’ve had to scrape off in order to really get to the heart of what ascension is trying to do. I’m gonna go with that one. Ive been through this before. I just can’t believe how much internalized crap about being a man I’ve held onto and consequently how much anxiety plagued me from that.
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Not sure if I mentioned this. Bought a secondhand old drum machine from early 2000s. 4 tracks on it including drum kits, some really average pcm wave sounds. But I’ve just been messing with that as a way to further limit myself and work my creative muscle. It’s got 19 voice polyphony so after too many notes it’ll cut out. Certainly not up to modern standards, but the thing grooves like a mofo.
Right now I’m working on a house track made entirely on this thing and ran through my 4 track recorder.
I’m trying to capture some of that early 90s electronic magic. Where it was a combo of the equipment and being restricted in how much you had to work with.
It’s been a little tough learning the new workflow for this thing. But I’m getting there. Just trying to enjoy myself again. So I sit down, create, if it gets too frustrating I take a break. Try to follow my intuition, stop overthinking my creative decisions.
I don’t know how to phrase this but there’s just still too much expectation on myself to make something big or grand. And this thing can only do 4 bar loops knocked together with limited instrumentation. So I can make good stuff but it’s designed to be just more groove/less complex dance stuff. Which is what I need to learn to channel myself through to make this enjoyable for myself and not an exercise is trying to convince myself I have musical competency.
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Had a server crap out today because it’s under too much load from users. I’m upstairs working on an unrelated issue, get dragged into it, got some grief from people about it being so slow and unable to do work and how they’re gonna have to catch up at home later.
- How much work are you piled on with that 30 minutes of downtime is gonna set you back that badly? 2. If you want to take work home to catch up, that’s your decision. Don’t blame it on me.
Im keeping a close eye on this company. Manipulus is doing a good job of keeping me out of the fuckery enough to just keep a steady paycheck. I intend to keep it that way. But we’ll see. At the very least this will be an exercise in setting and maintaining my own boundaries.
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Seems like that module was a really good choice.
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100% man. It’s opened up my eyes to how I get taken advantage of. I think the thing a lot of people don’t realize is manipulation isn’t about being smart enough to see it. It isn’t also necessarily a conscious decision from the other person or calculated that much. They sometimes behave in a way that got them what they want and it can hit the right emotional buttons for you and cause you to respond.
My whole concept of manipulation is changing. Previously it was reserved for the sociopaths of the world that knowingly coerce and push people. Now I see how much more broad it is. Like a grown ass woman acting like a bratty little girl when I don’t get to her problem fast enough at work. It’s childhood playing out into adulthood and they dont even realize it. Or the person asking me “when I get a chance” not realizing that it doesn’t mean in another 20-30 minutes, it could be another few hours depending on what I’m doing. Then they get upset when they’re reprioritized lower because they themselves didn’t highlight their needs accurately enough for me and now that’s my fault.
It’s just all really overwhelming. And when you stop the manipulation and they don’t consciously understand it? Oof, talk about irrational. It’s like they get even more upset because their form of getting their needs doesn’t work anymore. Also why ascension or a self confidence title is a must with this module, the amount of shit you get thrown your way for not dealing with people’s shit is astounding.
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You sound great.
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You sound more level headed.
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I do feel that way. I started supplementing with L-tyrosine so I’m not sure how much of an influence that’s having. But moving my bed seems to have helped too, my sleep has felt better. Overall I’ve been feeling like I’ve been able to tend to my needs better without getting pulled into other people’s chaos
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www.soundcloud.com/hconscious/thinking
Quick track I put together with the new gear. Kind of hard to build it out more than this at the moment. But I’m learning.
Trying to figure out how I’m gonna find what works for me in this world. This is my life, I should be able to live it however I choose. Not jump through someone else’s hoops.
I ran my custom 2 days ago. Heavy recon for about 2 days. Going to just coast on this for another 10 days or so. Qv2 does hit me hard upon initial impact and then levels out. I just wish it wasn’t so disrupting for me.
I guess for me it’s like going full throttle on a car the few hours after listening. And then the proceeding days is just using the momentum. But that initial acceleration demands a lot.
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I like that stutter-step in the kick in the third measure. That’s dope.
That’s the kind of small detail that gave house soul and made it doper to dance to.
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Thanks! Yeah that’s the swing I was talking about on this machine. You just throw ideas in and they come out really musical and groovy. Sometimes in a computer you have to fight pretty hard to get that.
I don’t see myself solely making tracks with this long term as the harmonic pallette is limited, but for drum sequences it’s killer. I don’t know how they programmed this thing, but it’s a gem.
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UA QZP, that’s what I’ve got my sights set on right now. Do I need to build up my confidence and be more assertive? Yes. Do I want that as my primary focus of my life? No. I want it to support my real vision which is having music be a larger part of my life. Everything I’m reading about QZP gets me more and more excited with the manifestation potential. I need to break away from my current reality entirely.
Speaking honestly for a second. I don’t feel as passionate as some people about music. I don’t feel a lot of passion for most things. There are people far more creative, far more immersed in musical lifestyles than me. So I’ve gone back and forth over the years thinking “Is this really what you want? Or are you just pretending and trying to give meaning to your life?” I don’t know what this is, it’s a type of limiting belief. When you aren’t “enough of something” therefore you don’t really care about it.
That actually touches upon a really sore point for me. It’s either ADHD or constant low grade chronic depression, but I actually get anxiety talking with people about shared interests or passions. Inevitably I hit this realization talking to the other person that “wow, I guess I don’t find as much joy in this as this person”. And it kind of hurts when you realize there are a lot of things in life that don’t seem to impact you as much as everyone else. As ridiculous as it sounds I do find a lot of my anxiety also stems from the fact that I do put pressure on myself to try to enjoy the things I experience in life when I don’t. I’m not saying it’s all the time, but sometimes it just doesn’t click in my braiin and it’s a massive source of frustration with myself and my life.
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Just reread this entire thread and I have to say I’m pretty satisfied with my rate of growth on this custom.
I think it’s been roughly 2 months? In that time I’ve had some major shifts in my compassion for myself and simultaneously setting boundaries.
The big thing I’ve learned looking at my pattern of negative thought spirals and frustrations in this thread is when I’ve overexposed myself. I do not need a lot of loops for my custom to effect me. I’m experimenting with 1 loop every 10 days at the moment. It’s wild to me that I really don’t need more than that. But the evidence doesn’t lie. My worst experiences always came when I pushed my listening too far.
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