Liminality custom Qv2

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#361

Submitted my ticket a few minutes ago. More and more I’m thinking this is less reconciliation and more processing issues for my brain. But I can’t be certain. It can be a mix of both. But I know when I take extended breaks from my custom things are easier to deal with internally. Even if I get hit with intense reconciliation I can work through it. That actually happened to me on my drive home, I felt this sadness come over me but I was able to express it and let it go. When I’m overloaded it’s like those emotions get stuck, my body can’t release. It’s like the natural mechanism for that is hindered. And then I’m kind of stuck with painful emotions that don’t go anywhere along with a feeling that my head is buzzing with a bunch of angry hornets.

I’ll see what support gets back to me with. My main concern here is that infrequent listening like that isn’t enough to spur on consistent growth, but its the only thing my mind can tolerate. So basically lets say to emotionally grow and mature I need x amount of exposure to stay on track so to speak, but my ability to process hinders me so I only can achieve half of x. When that exposure is too low old habits and behaviors surface that get in the way and the threshold hasn’t been crossed yet to completely break away from them. I don’t know if there’s any truth to that or not, just trying to figure out what it could be.

#362

Alright my custom is still a mystery to me. I’ll have random moments of my day where I go into processing mode out of nowhere. I don’t know if that’s me engaging in the script due to triggered events or not. I don’t seem to be doing anything different. Like last night I was getting ready to go to sleep around 9:30. 10 comes around and boom, wide awake with reconciliation.

These events are strong enough to make me wonder. How often do I really need to listen to the sub? These aren’t minor occurrences. They feel just as potent as something I’d feel a day after listening to the sub. So confusing.

#363

Also driving into work today I started thinking about returning to the online courses I bought for the IT stuff to advance my skills and give me better job opportunities. I haven’t had that type of natural motivation in months. And usually I only get that if I take my medication. So it seems like my dopamine regulated itself more somehow.

So 2 things. 1. It seems like my mental capacity can get severely strained from Qv2. To the point where any tasks that involves more critical thinking can feel almost physically painful to me. 2. Effort vs reward, it seems I really lose my ability to gauge how difficult something could be and the benefits if I worked through it. So I have a tendency to avoid a lot or just fall into a pit of apathy while my life slowly falls apart.

Looking at these issues, this is pretty much textbook ADHD symptoms that ramp up in severity. So either I’m putting too much stress on myself because of reconciliation, stress makes ADHD worse, or the cognitive load it takes to process QV2 is a lot for my brain to handle and I have to go very light on it.

I believe the increased motivation is a side effect of less stress on myself as well. I got the urge to make some music last night, but I didn’t follow it yet. It felt like I could do it though, which is more than I can say for these past few months.

Anyway this isn’t an issue with QV2 in general. I think it’s just my mind. I’m considering a full month wash out just to see where this goes. At this point I seem to feel better not running my custom. I’d be interested to see where that tapers off during a washout.

#364

I got confirmation from support that one loop every two weeks is ok. So I’ll be experimenting with that moving forward. This is going to be the largest spaced out listening schedule I’ve ever tried so it’ll be interesting to see how the sub usage manifests.

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#365

Hitting these courses again. My brain is like “you don’t even like this, why are you doing this?” The problem is I don’t seem to find much of a spark in anything these days. It’s not that it’s entirely absent, it happens sometimes but it’s tough generating the follow through for anything. The whole thing is just massively depressing sometimes. But I need to just build a platform for myself so I can go on job interviews without feeling like a fraud and having that add to my anxiety and screw up my chances.

I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. Nothing really makes sense anymore to me. I can’t tell if my intellectual ability has declined or if what I’m seeing now is just the difficulties I’ve had all my life made even more challenging because of the addition of needing to take care of myself.

I think this is why I’ve always wanted to make music a larger part of my life. Just doing something that makes sense to me vs trying to fit some role. I don’t really see myself as a smart person because I have nothing to show for it. Or rather if I was a smart person it’s pointless because that potential went spiraling off away from my life trajectory. I guess what I’m saying is music has more of an identity, I’m not fighting or competing with anyone. The current field I’m in for work is get certificates, keep on top of modern advancement, be able to do a lot, be able to learn a lot at the drop of a hat, show how valuable a resource you are to a company, etc. It’s exhausting, it automatically puts me in a position where I’m constantly comparing myself and coming up short. I feel like every job description wants some goddamn super hero in the role that handles everything with zero stress. Idk maybe this is everywhere.

I guess to sum all that up. My work life balance feels fucked and I don’t really know how to go about fixing it at the moment.

#366

Bought some l-tyrosine today I’m going to start taking. My neurotransmitter balance is terrible, I just know it. I’ve got an issue with dopamine, always have. After taking ADHD meds for a bit they help, but they’re costly on my body.

So my body is all out of wack in general. I think my digestion is compromised in a way and there’s a deficiency in either enzymes or gut bacteria. I’ve been researching food and general eating habits to promote better mental health but I’ve run into issues being able to take action on it. The catch 22 of needing to correct this stuff is 90% of the time I don’t have the mental resources or energy to make the changes. My diet isn’t awful but it needs tweaking, like more fermented foods for gut bacteria and more sugar from fruits.

My hopes with the l-tyrosine is it’ll provide the necessary chain to synthesize more dopamine and naturally increase it. After I’m a more functional human being I’ll put the diet plan into action and then get those neurotransmitters balanced through efficient eating. Without hitting that dopamine now I’m fighting a losing battle.

It just kind of put into perspective how often I criticize myself for not being more disciplined, but in my case I think this is just a very real physical shortcoming I have to correct in some way. And the mind is powerful. It’s basically the portal through which reality manifests itself. But mine seems to be a bit broken at the moment.

So for now I’ve stopped asking myself what I’m doing wrong and why I can’t do stuff right and switched my focus to figuring out what’s causing that. Trying to think my way out of a physical issue is something I’ve battled with for years and constantly blamed myself for not trying hard enough. It’s tough sometimes identifying that line. Especially when you have groups of people in this world that will insist it’s always lack of discipline.

#367

Was dead yesterday. Ended up sleeping 11 hours. Couldn’t deal with my job. Not that anything happened, I can’t explain it my mind was just in a fit of rage all day and I couldn’t concentrate. And every time I couldn’t concentrate it made me angrier.

But had some insight this morning. I often have a hard time visualizing any part of my future life happy. Like me as a person happy. I realized all these years putting on a mask of happiness for everyone was my way of hiding what I really felt from people. So whenever I think of happy I think fake and pain. I’ve unfortunately conditioned myself over the years to associate happiness with pain. Up until today I didn’t see that. It was clouded in all these negative beliefs about my capability of being happy, not really what was causing me to push it away.

#368

Taking my own advice from the motivation thread. Perfect example of how easily my brain is derailed sometimes.

So I have my 4 track and my novation Circuit. Before they were on my desk past my midi keyboard, just out of reach. So I had to lean in to get access to some stuff. Well my brain didn’t like that, too much effort. Everytime I looked at my setup I got agitated. I have a small fold out table that was sitting in my living room doing absolutely nothing, so I moved it next to me and put everything on it in arms reach.

Finally I figured out how to get the knobs and faders on my midi keyboard to send to the circuit while programming the synths so I don’t have to do as much knob tweaking with my mouse. So I’m more inclined to program patches. An added bonus is now I can also mess around with different patches from a database and use my synths like software/hardware hybrid. In case inspiration strikes while I’m noodling around with one, I just have to arm one of the tracks on the 4 track and record. Easy and straightforward.

Lesson learned from all this. Before I get upset with myself for not doing something, see what blocks are in place for preventing it. The desire and want is there, something just throws me off. So don’t blame myself for not trying hard enough or focusing enough, instead use that energy to make things simpler for myself.

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#369

Just a short noodle I was playing around with. Drums came in after the harmony went down so it ended up all off time. Definitely something more organic about this one. My playing isn’t the greatest, not by a long shot but it feels like the most honest thing I’ve done in a while for myself.

I’ve mentioned it before, but the hardest part about music for me is capturing an initial idea and refining it. In this case there is absolutely no refinement and it shows. But at the same time had I gone in and tried to improve it I feel like I would have lost a decent amount of vibe to it.

#370

Can’t tell if people are pushing my buttons at work or I’m just dealing with some pent up frustration.

Example. I’m slammed with work. The operations manager starts asking me to look at the lunch room TV because it’s not functioning. First issue, didn’t use the help desk. Second issue, a TV is the lowest thing on my priority list of things I have to do. Third issue, I message back asking what the priority is on this as I have a bunch of other tasks to attend to. Dead air.

I don’t care about titles when it comes to my job. Nobody gets preference unless it’s time critical. If it reflects poorly on them if it doesn’t get fulfilled they should specify it. But I have my own priorities and understanding of the hierarchy of important tasks at this job. I don’t just jump at everything thrown at me, that’s a one way ticket to burn out.

Same guy messaged me last week saying getting a desk setup was top priority for the day. End result? The person working remote who was going to be stationed there didn’t come in and nobody informed me. Brilliant use of my time.

I’m trying not to get pissed here and understand that this another person that’s more than their job and this is just one dimension of them. But fuck. I fucking hate when people play the hierarchy role in companies to get what they need. And it makes me feel an irrational level of hatred for them I need to cool down from.

#371

Have you looked into the FODMAP diet?

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#372

I’ve heard of it, but never actually looked into it. I just checked and it looks like I’m about 90% of the way there. I avoid wheat already, beans, most dairy, raw onions, tried apples again recently but can’t tolerate them, and I think thats it. That’s just been me naturally avoiding it because I felt like crap. I’ve been wheat free for about 6 years now I think, slowly identifying other stuff but the other ones I’ve been working on in the past 3 years. Occasionally I get pizza because pizza is my weakness.

But yeah, I’m very conscious of my diet as it’s a very important aspect to maintaining my mental health. I’ll have to look into it more to do an actual breakdown of the fodmap diet for myself.

#373

Intrinsic self worth seems to be the key for me. A lot of my unwanted behaviors and anxiety around stuff is due to basing too much of my worth in it. Not doing a good job at work? I’m a bad person. Don’t have enough skills? Not living up to my potential. Anxiety around other people? Trying to show them why I’m worthy through some arbitrary checklist.

My own self worth has always been low. Low self worth individuals are very easy to manipulate because people learn how to manipulate their emotions to conjure up those feelings of abandonment or being ostracized.

It gets to the point where I’m like. What the hell am I really doing for myself here? I can’t even make music sometimes without having that idea hang over my head that it’s a waste of time because nobody listens to it.

If I build up more self worth there’s no threat from other people. It’s when I put too much weight in what people say or do to me that screws me up. The problem is I don’t have a lot of it, so when people point something out or an event happens it feels more real than whatever amount of self worth I’ve cultivated for myself.

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#374

I’ll be honest I thought this once every two weeks was a stretch and I’d fall behind. But I feel like these insights are going a lot deeper to the core of myself. Interesting how things seem to just pop up after a week and continue to process.

I swear almost every decision I make in my life is through the filter of what others think on some level. It’s not always blatantly obvious, but it manifests as this low grade anxiety, like I can’t disappoint someone or appear incompetent in any way.

I can’t live like that anymore. It’s suffocating just being hyper aware of every little interaction and analyzing the fuck out of everything I say or do. Clearly it’s that fear that causes that behavior. If I didn’t care I’d speak my mind without apprehension. But the fact that I carefully calculate what I’m going to say or how I say it or how I react to people just shows I’m trying to manufacture some favorable outcome so my self worth doesn’t get threatened.

The more I write about it the more I wonder if there were behavior as a kid with ADHD that I got unconsciously taught were “bad” and now I’m afraid to let go because of those natural tendencies that come about. It’s not a good feeling when there’s this subtle fear of letting go into yourself completely.

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#375

I’m glad to hear that. I wanted to re-emphasize the “why I brought this up” aspect. I’ve noticed that on the FODMAP list, I have a few that I am especially sensitive to. As in if I have just a pinch of it, it’s just not good, including my mood.

I’ve wondered if maybe some of your reconciliation symptoms might be food sensitivities or food allergies.

Also do you have any EMFs by your head when you sleep?

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#376

Yup, same here. That’s me and wheat. And it usually runs for about 3 days, but takes a full week to get back to myself. I’ve been pretty good with separating the reconciliation and food sensitivities. I try to eliminate that as a factor as much as possible.

For EMFs. I’ve got a google home near my bed and usually I plug my phone in at night. I was about to say not that much. But then I realized I actually sleep right under a fuse box. So yeah I probably get a ton of EMF by my head, just realizing that now.

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#377

I’m trying to think of other things that might be going on that might contribute to reconciliation.

EMFs could impact sleep, which could impact how the subs are processed.

Diet perhaps, but you might have that sorted.

I’m trying to think of other things, but right now I don’t know. Fumes like from a new pillow? Indoor air pollution?

Can you think of anything else?

#378

I’m going to try sleeping the opposite direction on my bed tonight and see if it makes a difference.

Only other thing I can think of is there’s some light from outside that bleeds into my room at night. I’ve got crappy plastic vertical blinds that don’t filter it out much. Might be worth it to get curtains that block it out entirely. Not sure how much that disrupts my sleep.

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#379

@RVconsultant Thanks for pointing out the emf thing. I actually moved my bed to the other wall. I woke up today and it didn’t feel like someone came in with a bat and beat me all night. I’ve been dealing with muscle fatigue for a long time now in the morning along with a slight headache and nausea. I think my body still might be recovering so it’s not completely gone.

I am sensitive to stuff like this. I feel like a hypochondriac though when I try to explain it. CFL bulbs were a constant pain for me. They actually emit an ultrasonic audio frequency that causes a low stress response in me. Its been something I’ve just put up with for a while now. I think it’s the ballasts in them, they tend to suck so eventually they just devolve into this high frequency noise most people can’t hear.

I might be able to handle more loops during the week after this. Will have to see.

Not sure what I think of EMF sickness. I have to do some more research on this. I’ve definitely heard of people unplugging their routers at night and not being able to have wifi in their house. Idk about that, seems a little excessive. But sleeping under a fuse box, this thing was about a foot behind me inside a wall panel. So there’s a high chance it was doing unpleasant things to me while I slept.

#380

I hope sleeping away from the fuse box continues to help.

I understand what you are talking about, and I think this is all worth pursuing.

Personally, I use only LED or blue corrected incandescent bulbs.

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