Liminality custom Qv2

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#341

More and more I understand, not logically, but internally how nobody made me feel anything except myself. I understand what you’re saying here. I no longer hold anyone else responsible for how I feel. But in that same regard I’m stuck in my own cycle.

I am most definitely stuck in the past. I just don’t know why I do it to myself. Any of this. I just think it’s a self preservation mechanism. I keep myself down to prevent myself from being seen by others. But the fear is so strong, all my good intentions seem to go sideways somehow.

This seems strongly related to that astrology post you made recently here about cancer. I need to expose myself to the world, but I can’t just rip it off and jump in.

Idk it’s frustrating as hell. People can tell me stop doing that, stop treating yourself like shit or living in the past and I just don’t do it. I can’t or I don’t have an understanding of how. Like conceptually yeah I could probably write a goddamn thesis on it. But practically? I don’t know, I actually don’t know. There’s some kind of pre-existing foundation ascension has to build on but mine seems so bare minimum I don’t have the resources to pull from to expand on it. I don’t know if that makes sense.

#342

Yes. However we choose to assign causality, the point is it was still in response to children. Children who you might now just play with and buy them an ice cream and move on with your day. My real point is that the details that we use to oppress ourselves are always very arbitrary. Knowing that does not change them, but it’s like a guardrail sometimes. Or it can be.

I hear you. For me, it’s about finding alternatives. Even if they’re artificial and feel weird. Like not trying to understand the whole thing, but just choosing to do something else.

Sometimes trying to do something else does not work. But sometimes it does.

If you told me to just stop being fixated on the things I’m locked into, I would just smile, shake my head, and ignore it. It’s so easy to type solutions, but living them is another matter. I know.

So all the points I’m making are more just in the spirit of conversation and dialogue.

Real changes happen through process. and the ‘how’ of it is often experiential more than analytical.

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#343

Thanks man. My journal posts are often transitional in nature. I appreciate the discourse. I could very well not identify with any of this in 2 weeks time. But as of right now it feels more rigidly in place.

You’re definitely right about the how of it being experiential. For most of my life the how is studied, like drawing back a bow. It gets to a point where somebody needs to kick me in the ass and go “hey buddy you ever gonna let that go”? Otherwise I’ll just be a skeleton with a drawn bow before I know it.

Of course a good ass kicking won’t fix my behavior. That I’m learning too. The real problem is a lack of structure in my life that supports me. It’s hard to get on top of anything if your whole life feels like a neverending tornado of chaos. Picking up one thing to drop another. I got dropped into adulthood fully unprepared for the world around me. I’m learning but I’m learning very very late.

#344

I feel like some of your comparisons are unnecessarily harsh on yourself. For example, you sometimes make statements that imply that you think that ‘most other people’ are doing fine or doing really well.

But objectively, we know, for example, that there’s an epidemic of depression and anxiety going on throughout the entire developed world. (Almost 300 million depressed people in the world. That’s basically as many people as the population of the USA, and we haven’t even considered anxiety and other issues.)

The main difference between ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ is often that so-called ‘normal’ people are better at covering up their problems; it’s not that they don’t have problems.

Sometimes you don’t seem to be including facts like these in your thinking; but instead are believing that your challenges make you much worse or more worthy of criticism than most people.

I guess it’s not that you don’t recognize such facts, but more that you are focused on your own personal standards for your self and your life.

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#345

Lifetime of harshness towards myself will do that. Believe it or not this is me being less harsh on myself.

Unfortunately the facts don’t seem to have any relevance in my own mind when it comes to this stuff. This is deep identity level stuff I’ve struggled with for years. I recognize the struggles of others and I empathize. I know a lot of people are fighting a battle others can’t see.

What it boils down to is the way my life has played out feels embarrassing and there’s a lot of shame surrounding it. I don’t think I’m unique or a special case and I know I’m far from having some of the struggles others deal with. But I can’t disarm this with logical thinking or deconstructing it. Feels buried deeper in a place I can’t touch or access. Not saying it’s there permanently but it’s just a really pervasive thing.

My life has been a dance between accepting my authentic self vs building up layers of identity around that authentic self to navigate my life better. But always conflict between the two and unrest. Its just been exhausting.

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#346

Have you ever looked into meditation? Specifically just existing meditations, not directed towards results or anything. It’s a lot of work but I find it very beneficial. There are tons of meditations to find on YouTube just look for ones that fit what makes you feel good. Meditations on relaxation are really nice. I notice when I don’t listen to that voice inside me that’s saying all of these negative things which are just false truths, I feel a bit of reprieve.

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#347

Never with any serious commitment to it. I’ve used binaural stuff before, but guided meditations I haven’t really checked. I’ll try some out.

#348

I would steer clear of anything with binaural as Saint says its screws with the sub, look for things that are really simple. Start with 5 min a day. Don’t push yourself and the great thing with meditation is you can’t do it wrong.

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#349

Thanks. I’ll have to see if anything catches my eye. More active meditations would probably be good. Something with a center focus. Generic relaxation stuff can have the opposite effect on me sometimes.

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#350

I know you’re always on the lookout for musical information and resources.

In case you haven’t heard of him, I want to recommend Rick Beato.

A professional musician who teaches and maintains a YouTube channel. The guy is awesome and has his own very practical system for teaching music.

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#351

Thanks! I’ll definitely check him out

#352

I generally do not run Ultimas three hours before bed. It tends to disrupt my sleep.

How many times have you caught yourself doing something right this week?

Keeping track of the positive things in your life or positive occurrances?

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#353

Good to know about that with the Ultimas. I’ll keep it in mind.

Gonna be honest, I haven’t been keeping track of the positive stuff. 2 reasons. I completely forgot to and most of the time my short term memory isn’t good, so if I don’t catch it the day of it’s probably gone. I have to set a reminder on my phone for it.

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#354

Pretty gutted right now. I don’t know why it hit me all this week but it did. Maybe timing of the processing of it or a delayed response.

I sat down with my boss about the promotion and subsequent raise we talked about last week. But he said with all the big changes going on in the company he has to push it out a year. I guess that didn’t fully register until today. So I’ve just felt the worst I’ve ever been. I can’t have this raise be some carrot on a stick bullshit to keep me around. My motivation has tanked and the security I felt with having a settled plan for the near future is gone and my anxiety is back in full force. I’m going to talk to him again, I can’t do this another year. The funny thing is they’re doing expansion of the building for all brand new employees coming in, the money is there and I’m pretty sure they can afford to pay me more. Will they? I don’t know. Like I said after talking this seemed like less of a guarantee and more of a “lets see what we can do”.

Part of me wonders if this wasn’t meant to happen. If this was just an attachment I was holding onto out of security. If I even want to stay in this company or not. It would have been nice being able to afford an apartment, not have as many financial worries, and also decrease the amount of workload on me. Would have been. I’ll see what he says, but I don’t have much hope. This company doesn’t exactly have a track record of compensating people well.

I have to sleep on this all week. I’m all screwed up from this. I don’t have words right now.

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#355

Hang in there, dude! I’m thinking you’ll figure something out soon in a good way!

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#356

I might have to drop my custom to every 2 weeks. I’ve been holding off on listening this week because I just feel like another loop isn’t gonna help me and it will cause more problems.

I think one of my longstanding habits with these subs is thinking I need to listen more than I do. Like when my life is difficult or I’m having problems I need to solve I jump straight to listening. As soon as I feel slightly better, I jump on another loop. Mind you I only max out about 2 loops total a week these days. But it seems like I always forget that it’s more important what I do in my life vs consistently listening.

Point being life has kind of sucked these past few weeks for me. I want to grow and move on from everything, but I’m at a point where I need balance. When reconciliation hits for me, it can hit hard. All action in my life tends to stop. Which is the exact opposite of what I should be going for. But I feel like when I don’t remain consistent with the loops, I’m running away or avoiding growth because it feels painful. I think this all might just be an extension of the constant feeling of “you’re not doing enough” I’ve had for most of my life. So I push myself beyond my means because I’m insecure.

I don’t know if every two weeks is consistent enough or not. But the alternative doesn’t seem to be working out all that well for me in terms of the growth to pain ratio. I think at this point I want to just be able to enjoy my life a bit more vs constantly hammering at myself to change. I mean yeah one day things will be better for me, but I don’t want to keep losing days of my life feeling bad because of reconciliation with the mistaken assumption the future will make up for it.

#357

I’m thinking it might be beneficial to submit another support ticket with this update.

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#358

I was actually thinking about doing that today. I’m not really sure why my response to the subs can be so turbulent.

#359

You and me both, dude.

There seem to be a few outliers. There are a small group who seem to run Qv2 without incident. Then there are a few who seem to have a lot of upheaval.

Please go with a support ticket. Let’s get this worked out for you. Also keep in mind, going with once every two weeks might be your sweet spot, but let’s see what customer service recommends.

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#360

Hopefully QZP will solve both sides to be on the same page

and to make things even better

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