Liminality custom Qv2

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#241

Good news and bad news.

Start with the bad news. Had some anxiety last night when I realized I’m not really equipped to make enough money for where I wanted to move to. I jumped the gun, got overly impulsive about a big move and starting new and banking on that being another one of those “things” that makes my life better. Which is fine, I’m better off not putting myself into a situation that’s going to kill me financially. But I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff mentally. Mostly feeling like I can never just do things or function in life like everyone else. It comes and goes, but when it really hits me it hits me. Last night was one of those nights, felt like I’m just in hell. Literal hell and I’m just teased with prospects of having something nice only to never get it.

So the good news. I decided to listen to my custom after realizing I was spiraling hard. This would be my second time in one week which is normally too much. It seems to have helped pull me out of the tailspin. I still feel like shit because I was being that delusional and didn’t want to face the reality of my situation with money. But instead of feeling like shit I’m working through what I can do to solve the issues I’m running into on my terms. I have freedom to go anywhere I want, so it doesn’t make sense to willingly put myself in another cage.

The obvious solution here is to make myself more marketable, build my skillset, and become more of an asset. Easier said than done. I can’t emphasize how friggin difficult all of that has been for me. It’s not just the knowledge I have to build that’s difficult. I have to deal with my fear of rejection, my social anxiety, my inability to focus on anything that doesn’t interest me, my lack of developed skill to set boundaries, being an introvert in an extroverted world, the list just goes on and on. Some days that’s all too much, I can’t get on top of it and I don’t know what the hell to do. And the worst part is nothing simple like “having a good job” is the answer to that, but that’s all the advice anyone ever gives me. No that’s not alpha at all which is the fucking point of me running this custom.

The shittiest part of all this. The one person, the one constant is me that could give myself forgiveness, that could give myself more compassion and understanding, that could insulate me from the harsh opinions of others, but really I’m just wracked with guilt and shame every day because I feel like I’m constantly failing to do the bare minimum in life. I have tried my best to escape that harsh criticism of myself but I feel incapable.

Probably a lot of shit being purged right now, but I need a solid picture of the lowest of lows in this journal so I have a frame of reference when I move out of this. Not just me saying this stuff doesn’t effect me anymore and trying to convince myself of it, but actually living it. Not fucking holding it back and trying to convince everyone around me I’m good.

1 Like
#242

Still trying to map out a listening schedule. I think once a week isn’t enough. Every other day is a bit much. 1 day and then 3 day rest might be good. I have to keep momentum going and reinforce new habits but not overwhelm myself.

Rest is good, but too much and my mind starts to slip a bit. I’m in a situation where I need to keep building. My baseline isn’t the greatest so I think it’s important for me to not have too much time off in between loops.

I find this part of the subs very complicated. It’s not always so strict and I have to be open to flexibility. At the same time I have to be mindful when I need to push a little more even if I don’t feel great. Sometimes that’s what I need but I think it’s not.

#243

Are you running Sanguine?

1 Like
#244

It’s in the plans. I ran elixir a few days ago. Still figuring out how the Ultimas fit into all this as far as listening schedule goes.

1 Like
#245

Actually decided to listen to Sanguine Ultima last night. I think that one definitely helps a lot, more than elixir. Elixir is also important, but Sanguine immediately helped me put things in perspective with my life.

I know ARES is doing some work on me as well. Everything coming up these past few days is heavy guilt and shame. A lot of it seems closely tied to my ADHD. I really underestimated how much “not good enough” programming leaked into my subconscious because of growing up with it. Basically for my whole life I’ve been held to a standard that my brain just doesn’t work with. It just flat out doesn’t. Even before I had the formal diagnosis I felt things weren’t right.

So all the stuff I’m not good at, that most of society values, and that most employers only care about overshadows my actual strengths. I’ve been on a “I need to fix myself” journey for most of my life. It’s never gotten better. I realize now it’s because I haven’t embraced my own gifts and strengths. I’ve been too weighed down with guilt and shame that left me in a never ending cycle of trying to fix something that wasn’t broken, just different. And having neverending echoing thoughts of “you’re lazy, you’re not trying hard enough, you need to grow up, etc.”

The goal now for me is to focus on my strengths and find areas of my life that work with that. This is going to be hard for me because I have never viewed myself from a strength angle. It’s always me focusing on my deficits. And ironically putting myself into situations that I’m not well suited for and continually tear me down because that’s where all my focus goes. But the fact remains that I have to be strong and advocate for myself because in society there’s going to be a line of people telling me that I’m not good enough, that I need to try harder, that I’m making excuses. That’s been my entire life. That line of thinking came from SOMEWHERE I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to start treating myself like shit for the hell of it.

It’s hard. Every time I’ve tried to be nicer to myself in the past it’s met with criticism that I’m just making excuses for not trying hard enough. But that’s just an echo of outside opinion, not fact. I’m going to treat myself with respect and understanding because I deserve it and I won’t let anyone take that away from me or feel guilty about it.

4 Likes
#246

Exactly.

Excellent!!!

This is it.

You’re realizing that it’s time to stop arguing with the TV show, and instead just change the damned channel. It’s the wrong show.

I’ve been working on this one for decades. But I expect you to resolve it, because of the tools that you’re using. It’s something I have to keep coming back to. Because the habits, and the social conventions, and so on are kind of still there.

There’s a kind of gravitational pull to those old default settings. But they do start to lose their hold on you, even when they stubbornly keep speaking up.

I think that when you get this picture and really get into it, you have no choice but to take responsibility for your own mind and your own attention. Not in some grandiose kind of way, but in the sense of, say, having a pet with unique nutritional needs. You have to shop intentionally for her food. The generic brands are not going to cut it.

But the more you realize this, the more you can stop wasting time blaming yourself for irrelevant things and the more you can start planning smarter and more accurately.

This shit is genuinely not a contest. It’s a freaking life!

Imagine going for a picnic and trying to compete to be the best at enjoying the picnic.

“I won the picnic award!”

That’s the idiocy of looking at life as something to be ‘won’ or ‘lost’. The ending is always the same whether you go left or go right. The shit ends with death. There is nothing to win. Just learning, and experiencing, and unfolding, and evolving. For its own sake.

Okay…[breathing hard]…just needed to…[chest heaving]…get that out.

In a nutshell, I value the insights that you’re having and strongly relate.

2 Likes
#247

These are some of the issues that I’m most passionate about in life. Because I’ve had–and still have–to work so hard to really even start to get to some of these insights. And the more I integrate them, the more of a difference they’ve made.

I know that you know that truly embodying an insight involves more than just an intellectual grasp. It’s when you really have it in your body and can identify the same principle in the world around you even in non-obvious contexts. That’s the art of it. And it’s been an honor to witness you going through the process of embodying your own takes on things and finding your own integrative insights and perspectives. And you’re just getting warmed up. My intuition tells me clearly that there’s so much more to come.

1 Like
#248

Is there anything else you can think of that perhaps might help make this easier for you?

#249

Thanks man, I’ve always been a firm believer in the practicality of philosophy or insights. If they don’t in some way influence my own life or bring upon change or action they’re almost always an attempt to distract. Not the worst coping mechanism because I’ve learned a lot, but there comes a time when it has to be put into practice.

@RVconsultant I’m thinking of adding beyond limitless ultima into the mix. My cognitive abilities have always been a point of deep insecurity due to the ADHD I’ve lived with. I feel like anything that can enhance that would be a good way to help me feel better about myself and help me navigate life better. But I feel like with these recent insights I’ll approach it from a healthier angle vs trying to “fix”. Which is really important for continued growth, not putting pressure on myself to reach some idealized standard.

2 Likes
#250

Found a sneaky form of reconciliation today.

Basically take a goal like being more attractive to women. Cancel that goal by telling myself I don’t need that kind of validation, I should be happy without being attractive, it’s needy, etc. You kind of get the picture. It’s a pushing away from the goals under false assumptions about what they mean framed in such a way it seems “good” for me. This is very multilayered. It twists my brain in knots just thinking about it. Probably an underlying fear pushing those thoughts and rationalizations.

However the solution to overcoming that kind of reconciliation for me is just reminding myself my desires are valid. They may change, I may get insight in the future, but I’ll do more damage trying to preemptively figure out if they are “right” vs allowing them to come about and facing those fears.

A good example of how it’s very easy to convince myself in my own head of not doing something and simultaneously believing what I’m doing is in my best interest. It gets convoluted very fast.

#251

Might be manifesting more outward confidence/aura. Posture is better, I’m actually accelerating that with something I use at night. But it seems like ascension has me focusing on it more. Walk is more confident. Interactions with people at work have been interesting lately. I don’t want to say eager to please because that sounds like I’m full of it. I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s like a subtle approval seeking around me, I don’t mean that in a negative way. I mean like how people act around more charismatic people.

Flying solo at work this week. Any issues that came up I handled on my own with ease. I don’t do a lot of highly technical stuff, but I’m a good problem solver. I seem to excel at solving random issues that pop up that nobody else knows how to fix. Used to say “anyone can do this it’s not impressive”. Now I tell myself “fuck it I accomplished something and that means something, no matter what it was”.

Less filler words when I speak to people. My auditory processing is still a little lagged out though. That’s part of where my anxiety comes from when interacting with people, I don’t always fully process what was said and when a lot of new info comes at me at once I lose a lot of it. I don’t know if that will improve or not because that’s something that goes with ADHD. I’m trying to be open to the possibility of removing these things but in the event I can’t removing the emotional attachments around them would be the second best option.

Physical changes. My body seems to be getting more toned. But definitely need some improvements here. Looks like a template is starting to form but I have to commit to working out again. Thinking of going back to my isometric routine. It’s the only thing I could stay consistent with but it’s better than nothing. I feel like I’m wasting away in my office chair lately.

All in all, some good progress for me for only a week on this custom.

1 Like
#252

Hit with some reconciliation. Something I’m really realizing is I don’t easily allow things in my own head. I don’t know how to describe it but “bad” things are labeled as such and pushed away. Still a lot of perfectionist tendencies in me. Still a lot of “don’t associate with me, I’m not good enough yet” mentality in me. That’s been a lot of my life, just hiding away until I’m “better” and then living life. I know that’s wrong, I have to focus on living life regardless of whatever flaws I think I have.

Worked on some music yesterday. Almost trashed the whole project, but then decided to just rework a harmony instead. I learned sometimes my hatred of a song I’m writing isn’t the whole song itself, but an individual part of it I need to pick out. I was just trying to do something different but at the same time go with the flow. I often hate where i naturally gravitate to with my music because it feels less of expression and more of sticking to what I’m comfortable with because I’ve done it enough times. At the same time trying a new genre can feel incredibly forced and uninspiring. So it seems to be a balance with myself.

1 Like
#253

Going to be trying a new thing. Listening to my custom at night before I go to sleep. I’ve mentioned it before but when I listen during the day it feels like my mind wants to make deep meditative changes, but I’m involved in work. So I guess it’s gonna be a bit like a meditation before bed. See how this goes. Hopefully it doesn’t keep me awake, but usually when I run my custom I get sleepy anyway.

#254

Keep us updated!

2 Likes
#255

It’s interesting how my music follows a similar path to my decisions for every day life. After thinking about it a lot I’ve decided to rework my whole music setup. Much like this custom I’ve reworked, I’m focusing on things that will help me achieve my goal of actually making music vs taking on some lofty goals of being amazing at a whole bunch of stuff that I’m not suited for. And of course actually enjoying the process. Fighting to finish a song, no matter how good the end result is just not worth it to me. I look back on producers in the 90s who banged out jungle tunes with an old amiga computer, a synth, and an akai sampler. Some of the best music came from that era of simplicity and they had a ton of fun doing it. I’m looking to recreate that kind of workflow.

I’ve mentioned it before but I’ve got a modular soft synth. That thing is out. It’s cool and it’s fun to mess around with, but when it comes time to create and needing a tool that’s solid and has minimal frustrations that block off the creative flow, that’s definitely not it. I dropped some decent amount of money on that thing buying module so it hurts a little to just shelf it. Maybe I’ll return in the future when I have a need for it, but right now it’s not needed.

The current plan is using a groovebox I have. Recording into my DAW from that, all audio, no midi, just getting down everything live with minimal tweaking. The synth engine on it is really high quality, much higher quality that most vstis because it’s virtual analog running on dedicated hardware. Going to design some of my own sounds and go from there.

Very recently I realized how much pressure I put on myself to be awesome with everything in music production. I feel a lot of guilt for not being some tech wiz putting together algorithmic patches coded in some programming language, or making complex routed modular synth patches, or knowing a bunch of vsti synths inside and out vs just a handful. But I realized if I’m not having fun, if I’m not enjoying it, then it won’t show in my music. Some of my favorite tracks are from eras when producers understood the technology serves the music, not the other way around. I got lost in all that stuff and I need to come back to simplicity.

This is me focusing on my strengths. Musically I have a lot to say and express. I might not be the best sound designer, but I’m good at working with a palette. And I’m going to focus on that expression without letting the guilt of not being the most technical person get in the way.

#256

Listened to the sub before bed last night like a meditation session. I like doing it this way so far. Noticed a lot more automatic thoughts popping up, frustrations, anger. Felt free to express them and let them go. There’s definitely something to processing emotions when I’m completely alone. Despite these subs having effects after listening, there’s definite shifts during the listening for me. And I think it’s important I have an environment that feels safe, relaxed, and away from people when listening.

I’ve always been very self conscious. To an absurd degree. So it makes sense when I’m running a sub that’s bringing up vulnerabilities, ambitions, lifestyle changes, etc. that doing it surrounded by people blocks me from processing it. So I think this is the way forward for me or until I overcome that insecurity. It’s not that it doesn’t work when I listen around people. But it just works better when I’m alone. I’m more agreeable if that makes sense, I feel the emotional shifts inside of me and I don’t get that familiar tension I feel when I have to suppress stuff around people.

Also I might be making this part up, but it’s a theory. If I constantly listen to the subliminal while I’m at work I could build up a negative association if things at my job are stressful. Creating that divide or clear distinction and anchoring the emotional states I want and have control over, that’s just not always possible in a chaotic environment.

This is why I really like the superchargers. I seem to respond well to hypnosis when I have conscious engagement. The less conscious engagement, the more I find it difficult to get on board. Which is kind of ironic given subliminals are supposed to bypass the conscious and make things easier. But I’ve found a dual mind approach seems to work better for me in general.

1 Like
#257

Kinda hate this but I need to acknowledge it, I’m definitely needy as hell when it comes to women. Not outwardly though, it’s just all internal. A few weeks ago I had a girl flirting with me and I exchanged numbers. Texted her but no response back and I’ve just been thinking about her. I could reach out again but at the same time it feels so forced and more effort than it’s worth.

I’m at a weird stage. I’m not like those guys that will bend over backwards for women. But I’m not exactly someone who is a natural in that department. Usually when a new girl comes around I go through this phase of intense feelings so I try to dial it back. But I’d rather not go through that rollercoaster every time a woman I’m attracted to shows me interest. Like I just need to chill, but I can’t. This is probably due to the fact that I didnt grow up getting that kind of attention so it’s a novelty now. Until it becomes “normal” I feel like I’m gonna be doing the same thing over and over.

The whole thing kind of just makes me say fuck it. It’s not enjoyable, I get bored easily, and I feel like I have better things to do with my life. Plus trying to keep a girl attracted is just about the most frustrating thing for me. Along the way I fuck it up somewhere. And it’s probably because I’m so invested in maintaining that attraction that I take it too seriously. Just really don’t even want to think about that part of my life anymore.

1 Like
#258

Gonna start going with my intuition with how to listen to these subs. Right now something is telling me to listen at a lower volume so that’s what I’m going to do. I used to be worried about reconciliation and self sabotage, but I’m going to trust my mind on this and assume it knows what’s best for me.

2 Likes
#259

I think it’s also related to your Spartan, Stoic approach to managing yourself and your appetites and needs.

When you deal with appetites by just ‘turning them off’, then when you do get around to them, they’re more demanding and intense.

(uhh…i know that because a friend told me.)

Also, it’s probably an HSP thing. In college, I found out, at some point late in the game, that girls were describing me as ‘intense’. I was like, “moi? seriously?” But, uhh… i was. I can see what they meant now. Especially if I was interested. It was always easier to get with women when I wasn’t looking.

I think that you could probably use some HSP-oriented healing. Like big time. (and, uhhh, so could my friend).

You can’t be so driving and judgmental of yourself and then turn around and be super-relaxed with other people.

I read a quote today that was related to this. Now I have to go find it.

1 Like
#260

Here it is. From the book

Cooper, Tracy M. Thrive: The Highly Sensitive Person and Career . 2015.

He’s talking about the three important steps of Awareness, Acceptance, and Adaptation.

The quote I was thinking of is the one I highlighted in the middle of the page. It starts: “Coming to a point where you can accept yourself as-is”.

Screenshot 2021-09-03 19.50.35
Screenshot 2021-09-03 19.50.351021×891 194 KB

I like how he says, “which may not have been poor choices at all, but rather defensive”. I think that is accurate.

1 Like