Very valid points. Throughout my life I typically expect the worst in order to be prepared for it. I shouldn’t do that, but it’s been my coping mechanism for avoiding upsetting situations. Mentally preparing myself for disappointment to avoid disappointment. I know that sounds ridiculous.
Appreciate you hopping in here to present alternative ideas. You’re definitely right with these things.
Taking control of the narrative, even a painful narrative, still gives us a (subconsciously) satisfying sense of control.
Not ridiculous at all (in my opinion). Very human. Just not ideal, much of the time. I think most of us do it sometimes. I certainly do.
Working on it.
Crap. I wonder if that’ll be my epitaph:
Worked on it
Lol. I feel you. Outdated programs still being run by my mind. I think being able to see it for what it is does help.
First day running my new custom. Going to keep a close watch on how I respond to it internally. I’ve got two major changes to it that I’m curious about. 1 is I took out blue skies, so I’ll see how heavy that actually was processing wise. And two using a different name for the custom.
So far it’s been about an hour after listening. Usually around this time I’ll start sensing a heavy feeling in my chest and a feeling of wanting to self isolate and get away. I’m currently off from my job so I’m not getting that right now. The real test will be when I go back to work. I think I understand what was going on with that feeling. But it was too heavy , it was like hitting a brick wall and having to stop doing anything. It wasn’t bad for growth, but it led to issues doing my job which in turn caused more stress. Sort of like a re-prioritization of what needs focus and while the focus on my personal life was very important, it was just too tunnel visioned. Needed to dial it back a bit so my day to day life wasn’t quite so difficult when running the sub.
If it’s really just the processing of Qv2 I might have to switch sub listening to the afternoon when I don’t have to engage in demanding mental activity.
Well it definitely slammed me. I’m going to have to adjust to this new custom a bit.
Having said that I noticed myself slipping into these negative “what the hell do I do” states. But I was able to take a step back and tell myself that’s just now, don’t project this onto all of the future. Just calm down, today might be rough but tomorrow is another day. I’m trying to be better with pulling myself out of bad mental states, I might not be able to do a complete 180 but I can definitely prevent myself from spiraling.
My mind is like walking a tightrope at times, but I feel like I’ve been getting better so I’ll take it. One day I hope that tightrope is more of a solid bridge I cross. It’s still lengthy and requires effort, but there’s not this unending fear of falling into some abyss with one wrong step.
I’m wondering if supplementing what you are doing with Sanguine and/or Elixir from the main shop might help. What are your thoughts?
I keep coming back to the idea it might be best to focus on slow GENTLE healing like FEBRUUS and “Stress Displacement” type modules, rather than I AM type modules.
I’m an HSP, and FEBRUUS plus Pride Unbroken threw me for a real loop.
Taught me respect. Good prep for Dragon Reborn.
Now I play 1 loop 3 times a week.
Ooops, sorry @Malkuth … I was wanting to get @Fractal_Explorer 's attention.
I must admit, you got an insightful answer and I wouldn’t have expected those 2 modules to throw you for a loop.
I am (in my odd way) agreeing with you. I think you’re quite right. Just adding on to what you wrote to emphasize that FEBRUUS has a real effect.
At that time, I had been following a listening schedule that was much more frequent than what is currently recommended and that’s part of why I got knocked back.
I’m definitely planning on supplementing with both of those throughout my week. And I agree with you. The only really challenging module in my custom right now is probably ascension. Maybe ares as well.
FEBRUUS however had me hesitant. I like the idea of slow gentle healing, but in practice I don’t know if it would be best for me. I’m avoidant by nature, meaning my mind seeks any opportunity to get out of what makes it uncomfortable. The indirectness of gentle healing feels like it would work against me. The key seems to be having enough internal pressure to change but not so much as to overwhelm me. My choice of ARES in the custom was to offset the gentleness of negativity displacer and keep a balanced approach towards handling those inner issues.
I guess the problem is how these modules say they work could be very different once they enter my mind. And I don’t really know having had limited experience with them. So I’m more inclined to lean on the ones that are more relentless and not the ones that might have holes in them for my mind to escape through.
ARES is definitely more of an experiment in this custom, it was either that or FEBRUUS and I felt ARES was the way to go.
Good news and bad news.
Start with the bad news. Had some anxiety last night when I realized I’m not really equipped to make enough money for where I wanted to move to. I jumped the gun, got overly impulsive about a big move and starting new and banking on that being another one of those “things” that makes my life better. Which is fine, I’m better off not putting myself into a situation that’s going to kill me financially. But I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff mentally. Mostly feeling like I can never just do things or function in life like everyone else. It comes and goes, but when it really hits me it hits me. Last night was one of those nights, felt like I’m just in hell. Literal hell and I’m just teased with prospects of having something nice only to never get it.
So the good news. I decided to listen to my custom after realizing I was spiraling hard. This would be my second time in one week which is normally too much. It seems to have helped pull me out of the tailspin. I still feel like shit because I was being that delusional and didn’t want to face the reality of my situation with money. But instead of feeling like shit I’m working through what I can do to solve the issues I’m running into on my terms. I have freedom to go anywhere I want, so it doesn’t make sense to willingly put myself in another cage.
The obvious solution here is to make myself more marketable, build my skillset, and become more of an asset. Easier said than done. I can’t emphasize how friggin difficult all of that has been for me. It’s not just the knowledge I have to build that’s difficult. I have to deal with my fear of rejection, my social anxiety, my inability to focus on anything that doesn’t interest me, my lack of developed skill to set boundaries, being an introvert in an extroverted world, the list just goes on and on. Some days that’s all too much, I can’t get on top of it and I don’t know what the hell to do. And the worst part is nothing simple like “having a good job” is the answer to that, but that’s all the advice anyone ever gives me. No that’s not alpha at all which is the fucking point of me running this custom.
The shittiest part of all this. The one person, the one constant is me that could give myself forgiveness, that could give myself more compassion and understanding, that could insulate me from the harsh opinions of others, but really I’m just wracked with guilt and shame every day because I feel like I’m constantly failing to do the bare minimum in life. I have tried my best to escape that harsh criticism of myself but I feel incapable.
Probably a lot of shit being purged right now, but I need a solid picture of the lowest of lows in this journal so I have a frame of reference when I move out of this. Not just me saying this stuff doesn’t effect me anymore and trying to convince myself of it, but actually living it. Not fucking holding it back and trying to convince everyone around me I’m good.
Still trying to map out a listening schedule. I think once a week isn’t enough. Every other day is a bit much. 1 day and then 3 day rest might be good. I have to keep momentum going and reinforce new habits but not overwhelm myself.
Rest is good, but too much and my mind starts to slip a bit. I’m in a situation where I need to keep building. My baseline isn’t the greatest so I think it’s important for me to not have too much time off in between loops.
I find this part of the subs very complicated. It’s not always so strict and I have to be open to flexibility. At the same time I have to be mindful when I need to push a little more even if I don’t feel great. Sometimes that’s what I need but I think it’s not.
Are you running Sanguine?
It’s in the plans. I ran elixir a few days ago. Still figuring out how the Ultimas fit into all this as far as listening schedule goes.
Actually decided to listen to Sanguine Ultima last night. I think that one definitely helps a lot, more than elixir. Elixir is also important, but Sanguine immediately helped me put things in perspective with my life.
I know ARES is doing some work on me as well. Everything coming up these past few days is heavy guilt and shame. A lot of it seems closely tied to my ADHD. I really underestimated how much “not good enough” programming leaked into my subconscious because of growing up with it. Basically for my whole life I’ve been held to a standard that my brain just doesn’t work with. It just flat out doesn’t. Even before I had the formal diagnosis I felt things weren’t right.
So all the stuff I’m not good at, that most of society values, and that most employers only care about overshadows my actual strengths. I’ve been on a “I need to fix myself” journey for most of my life. It’s never gotten better. I realize now it’s because I haven’t embraced my own gifts and strengths. I’ve been too weighed down with guilt and shame that left me in a never ending cycle of trying to fix something that wasn’t broken, just different. And having neverending echoing thoughts of “you’re lazy, you’re not trying hard enough, you need to grow up, etc.”
The goal now for me is to focus on my strengths and find areas of my life that work with that. This is going to be hard for me because I have never viewed myself from a strength angle. It’s always me focusing on my deficits. And ironically putting myself into situations that I’m not well suited for and continually tear me down because that’s where all my focus goes. But the fact remains that I have to be strong and advocate for myself because in society there’s going to be a line of people telling me that I’m not good enough, that I need to try harder, that I’m making excuses. That’s been my entire life. That line of thinking came from SOMEWHERE I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to start treating myself like shit for the hell of it.
It’s hard. Every time I’ve tried to be nicer to myself in the past it’s met with criticism that I’m just making excuses for not trying hard enough. But that’s just an echo of outside opinion, not fact. I’m going to treat myself with respect and understanding because I deserve it and I won’t let anyone take that away from me or feel guilty about it.
Exactly.
Excellent!!!
This is it.
You’re realizing that it’s time to stop arguing with the TV show, and instead just change the damned channel. It’s the wrong show.
I’ve been working on this one for decades. But I expect you to resolve it, because of the tools that you’re using. It’s something I have to keep coming back to. Because the habits, and the social conventions, and so on are kind of still there.
There’s a kind of gravitational pull to those old default settings. But they do start to lose their hold on you, even when they stubbornly keep speaking up.
I think that when you get this picture and really get into it, you have no choice but to take responsibility for your own mind and your own attention. Not in some grandiose kind of way, but in the sense of, say, having a pet with unique nutritional needs. You have to shop intentionally for her food. The generic brands are not going to cut it.
But the more you realize this, the more you can stop wasting time blaming yourself for irrelevant things and the more you can start planning smarter and more accurately.
This shit is genuinely not a contest. It’s a freaking life!
Imagine going for a picnic and trying to compete to be the best at enjoying the picnic.
“I won the picnic award!”
That’s the idiocy of looking at life as something to be ‘won’ or ‘lost’. The ending is always the same whether you go left or go right. The shit ends with death. There is nothing to win. Just learning, and experiencing, and unfolding, and evolving. For its own sake.
Okay…[breathing hard]…just needed to…[chest heaving]…get that out.
In a nutshell, I value the insights that you’re having and strongly relate.
These are some of the issues that I’m most passionate about in life. Because I’ve had–and still have–to work so hard to really even start to get to some of these insights. And the more I integrate them, the more of a difference they’ve made.
I know that you know that truly embodying an insight involves more than just an intellectual grasp. It’s when you really have it in your body and can identify the same principle in the world around you even in non-obvious contexts. That’s the art of it. And it’s been an honor to witness you going through the process of embodying your own takes on things and finding your own integrative insights and perspectives. And you’re just getting warmed up. My intuition tells me clearly that there’s so much more to come.
Is there anything else you can think of that perhaps might help make this easier for you?
Thanks man, I’ve always been a firm believer in the practicality of philosophy or insights. If they don’t in some way influence my own life or bring upon change or action they’re almost always an attempt to distract. Not the worst coping mechanism because I’ve learned a lot, but there comes a time when it has to be put into practice.
@RVconsultant I’m thinking of adding beyond limitless ultima into the mix. My cognitive abilities have always been a point of deep insecurity due to the ADHD I’ve lived with. I feel like anything that can enhance that would be a good way to help me feel better about myself and help me navigate life better. But I feel like with these recent insights I’ll approach it from a healthier angle vs trying to “fix”. Which is really important for continued growth, not putting pressure on myself to reach some idealized standard.
Found a sneaky form of reconciliation today.
Basically take a goal like being more attractive to women. Cancel that goal by telling myself I don’t need that kind of validation, I should be happy without being attractive, it’s needy, etc. You kind of get the picture. It’s a pushing away from the goals under false assumptions about what they mean framed in such a way it seems “good” for me. This is very multilayered. It twists my brain in knots just thinking about it. Probably an underlying fear pushing those thoughts and rationalizations.
However the solution to overcoming that kind of reconciliation for me is just reminding myself my desires are valid. They may change, I may get insight in the future, but I’ll do more damage trying to preemptively figure out if they are “right” vs allowing them to come about and facing those fears.
A good example of how it’s very easy to convince myself in my own head of not doing something and simultaneously believing what I’m doing is in my best interest. It gets convoluted very fast.