KHAN + WANTED. Foxdie's Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#82
  1. I’m starting to think that a lot of the notions I have about women are wrong and disadvantageous. These notions I learned mostly from PUA material, which has been a part of my life for a long time, having never had other sources of teaching.
    The notions I am talking about are mostly related to those of Inner Game. I will try to list some of them and describe the doubt I had practicing them:

  • Do not let yourself be seen too needy or that you are looking for her: this thought would not even be bad, if it were not that I, as mentioned in the previous points, do it in an extreme way by showing myself, I do not say too detached, but not very available to interact. I think it is one of my biggest causes of loss and failure, because I don’t go direct for what I want, I speak little to a girl or text little to her with the fear of showing too much interest and therefore too much need, and I always find myself to lose the girl out of her boredom, or to have it stolen by someone who is more assertive and persistent, or worse to find myself on the other side of the spectrum, over time, becoming too available and clingy.

  • Don’t show interest, be indirect. If she finds out that you are interested she may lose attraction to you. Seduction must be done under the radar: This is similar to the first and always implies not expressing one’s interests directly. I have known for a long time now that it is not correct to always be like this, but this mentality, in acting, I have carried with me until now. I think in the long run I start to get boring if I stay so indirect and make a girl lose interest. Showing interest should be done, albeit in a certain way (without showing need) and at a certain time.

For now I can’t think of other things. If something got in my mind I will write and comment on it.

I’m questioning a lot of what I’ve been and a lot of what I am and what I’m doing, but that’s okay, because I’m noticing that everything I’m doing right now doesn’t bring me any results. Questioning and doubting myself is part of the change process, and I really need to change and become better.

4 Likes
#83

  1. I notice that many times I find myself submitting to the will of others without saying my opinion, proposing something else or trying to convince others to do something I would like to do. I do not think about my interests I submit to those of others, I am too passive and have zero initiative and strength to decide for myself.
    I have to learn to say more “No!”.

  2. As I said in previous points, I depend too much on others. One of them is my brother. I never do things alone. If I want to do something or go somewhere and he says he doesn’t do it then I am very likely to follow him, but if he changes his mind I do too.
    I don’t want to be tied to anyone anymore, I want to become independent.

#84

  1. I felt a little angry today, then it passed.

  2. I texted y-girl with the intention of knowing what she was doing with the others today. I apologized for not being able to show up last night and we ended up writing to each other for hours! Every time I ended the conversation she would start it all over again. Spectacular. He told me a lot about her and told me she wanted to see me.

2 Likes
#85

Khan ST1 – Rest Day - (Days done: 24)

  1. First note I would like to make is that when I like a girl I begin to criticize and almost insult her jokingly but sometimes heavily so as not to show my interest. It is good that I have noticed it, because it is starting to annoy me this thing and I want to change it.

  2. I’m too “glued” to girls with my touches.

  3. I am increasingly turning to the dark side. I’ve become more rebel and start not giving a damn about my parents. I want to remind myself that it has been my mother who has limited me since I was little. It doesn’t have to happen anymore.

  4. I am so bothered by my limitations. Some are internal and some external.

3 Likes
#86

This is something I can relate to very much. I used to self-sabotage with women all the time. I had this deep deep fear of intimacy. It’s great that you have spotted this behavior. The criticising and judging of her is just a defence mechanism you have developed over the years. But this means that healing is taking place because you’re becoming more aware of the things that are holding you back.

You are doing great, I believe in you. Also very inspiring to read about you journey :blush: :pray:

3 Likes
#87

thank you very much. Your words give me hope and make me realize that I am making some real progress.

I appreciate it a lot. I hold on to be better. Thank you!

2 Likes
#88

Khan ST1 – Rest Day 2 - (Days done 24)

  1. I woke up very melancholy this morning. I think a lot about the y-girl at times. I have shown too much interest in her and I hope it is not given by a sense of despair, because I appreciate that girl and I would like to have her more around me.

  2. The fear of showing my feelings is still present but at least now I show myself more than before. I repeat that the important thing is that I learn to do it without being needy because I don’t want my expression of affection to come from fear and despair, I want it to be a feeling that comes from strength.

  3. The y-girl has come into my life as if by magic and she is helping me to grow a lot. Sometimes I am afraid that she will go away, that my too much interest will make her escape, that the others guys will take her away from me. But I have to be strong. The real battle is the inner one.

1 Like
#89
  1. I am noticing that my desire to eat sweets has practically disappeared. Can Khan ST1 be the reason for this?
#90

  1. I felt very bitter and pissed tonight and I think the fault lies with the y-girl + reconciliation. I have come to feel a lump in my throat and almost unable to speak. That girl is doing me more harm than good, but deep down I know that she is not directly to blame, she is just a reflection of what I cannot manage inside of me, of my weaknesses.
    Today she stopped answering me because it’s been days that I keep telling her I am busy and I think I have bored her and now she goes out with the other guys who tried with her and it bothers me a lot, but being me a jerk I shouldn’t complain since I was wrong . Every time I told her I couldn’t get out, inside of me I felt so strong and I said to myself “how cool I’m telling her I can’t today, so I show her that I’m a busy man and she’ll run after me even further”. I was stupid there is a limit to this thing.
    What have I learned from this whole story? That I have great self-sabotage skills. I always manage to ruin things when they go well, in fact with the y-girl I told her I am busy sometimes because I was really busy (which is legitimate) while the other times it was because I was afraid of something and I invented an excuse not to go out with her: “There are the other guys hitting on her”, “I don’t want to be too late at night and stay with her so as not to piss off my parents”, “I don’t have to show them too much interest, so I’m not here today”, etc….
    My biggest enemy is “myself”.
    I don’t know now if I’ll be able to get that girl back.

  2. I felt a need, in all this sadness and reconciliation, to express myself and confide in others. It was as if I felt a huge boulder, nice chest, something I had to get rid of. I told myself that I can no longer keep my ideas to myself and be silent but I have to share what I think, say what bothers me and have my say.
    I talked to two friends with whom I had quarreled, tried to clarify, and when talking about my emotions I felt tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat but I tried to keep myself from crying because every word was hard to pull out. I then talked to my dad and opened up a bit with him, which I never tried to do because I’ve always been emotionally closed with my parents.

  3. I continue to be annoyed by my limitations such as not having a car and not being able to move freely or my internal limitations of never being alone and having to follow the group. I am annoyed that I have no money. I have bothered that I fear my parents and don’t do many things I want to.
    I want to be free, independent, a real adult man who is not objected to, because I feel limited and in a cage. I want to start not giving a damn about those who try to limit me and hinder me and fight for my wishes.

#91
  1. How long is it recommended to use Khan ST1? I feel a strong temptation to switch to ST2, I need inner strength and personal power. I believe it can be reconciliation.
#92

Hmmm… I’m on Khan too. I haven’t experienced that. But maybe others have. That would be a nice little bonus if it does.

#93

It would be great.

1 Like
#94

Other than a dampening desire for sweets, have you noticed any physical changes in your physique? Another poster stated that he noticed a definite change in his body.

#95

Not particularly.

1 Like
#96

Khan ST1 – Rest Day 3 - (Days done 24)

  1. Last night I cried. I am an idiot, every time I let myself be emotionally sucked like this by girls. My real problem is the infinite past lack of women and feminine affection that have led me to this endless hunger where the first girl who shows up I attack myself into her so as not to lose her for fear that no one else would accept me in the future. All this famine and invisibility to female eyes has led me to no longer believe in myself and my abilities with women and consequently I act as someone who is not worthy, who has no hope and experience. In fact, 15-year-old girls have more experience than me.

  2. I still feel bad and hurt this morning. I need another day off.

  3. I am 17 days of no PMO and my desire for masturbation and porn has vanished. On the other hand, there is an incredible desire for real women. Yesterday I saw a beautiful girl. I wanted to do something, but I felt and still feel overwhelmed and so limited internally.

2 Likes
#97

You are making so much progress my friend, it’s very intense and ugly at the moment because it wants to come up and be let go of. Imagine what you can use all that trapped energy when it has been released. For a reference I denied my own sexuality from the age of 12 up until I was 26. Another day of rest sounds like good plan :slightly_smiling_face:

2 Likes
#98

I can understand you too well.
Another day off is a must.

1 Like
#99

Khan ST1 – Day 25

  1. This morning I woke up with the knowledge that I am letting my desperate emotional need take over and destroy my relationships. I remember the first night I met the y-girl, I was emotionally detached, I didn’t need her, I acted like myself making conversation and making people laugh. She appreciated all of this and my radiant energy. I have to be careful not to send passive energy sucking life out of others. What I liked about myself before I met the y-girl was that way of giving value to others without expecting anything in return, because this is me and I love to express myself freely.

  2. I already feel better and freer than the previous days.

1 Like
#100

  1. I’m already starting to get pissed and irritated without any reason. I am feeling that my authority is not worth much and it irritates me. Fuck it! I have to live only for myself.

  2. I think I’m showing myself as a good boy with the y-girl just because I like her and I want to make a good impression on her and I want her attention all for me. No!! There is no way that I behave in a way that is not me for someone else! Fuck it! I am what I am and I don’t have to change for anyone! What the fuck was I thinking of? Changing for someone feeling inconsistent with myself? No!! It must never happen again.
    I am very irritated.

1 Like
#101

  1. I feel very anxious now and as a result my libido is very low.

  2. I am feeling a lot of reconciliation yet until yesterday I took 3 days off while today I only did one loop of Khan ST1.

1 Like