TB is working on me.
I’m not able to work like normal since my mind is rejecting those normal hideouts, those things that keep me distant from others. This is my norm, and I keep changing directions while working since my mind is not content with the blissful ignorance I live with daily.
It’s unfamiliar. One step at a time.
Day 5
Loops tonight
Facing something that I allowed. I’m hot about it.
I began trading forex with a new guy maybe 2 months back. I asked lots of questions beforehand.
Well, he’s a conman. I sent his requested fee last night. But he had made another trade this last week , making a profit. He didn’t send me the money. He’s requesting an additional fee.
Fuck no. Taking continuously and not keeping his word? Thief.
What I’m noticing is my reaction. This bothers me.
I got really livid last night. Healthy.
– I’m wanting him to be honest. I’m still hanging around, waiting on him to give.
This is exactly how I treat my brother, who’s local and who never changed himself.
I’m doing this same believing and desperate hoping with the trader. I put him in this saviour role, hoping he’d deliver for me. Why else would I continue this bantering with him?
None of this is healthy. I’m feeling locked in it. Fuck
I’m at work noticing similar hopes I put upon others
I felt ashamed since I complained this morning. Midday, I was driving around town thinking I sounded whiny.
That’s been bothering me–and it’s good. Khan activated today. By the very ordeal I endured these last 24 hours, Khan came in and began morphing my thinking.
I’m not even concerned about the trader. I’m caring for myself: and it looks and feels different. More mature thinking. Less paranoid about others like this guy…
I owned something in myself, and I’m like “fuck him. I’m giving my attention and control back to myself”. I felt more adult-like, if anyone can understand that.
I know I’ve felt very detached from life (a LOT of it) since I’ve been detached from myself. Like a back and forth dissociation from myself, especially when under stress (financial, relational…ANY stress). That’s a lonely, scary life. Scary because “someone might find out how dis-connected I really am”. It invites continual hiding and lying about how I am.
And today I felt like I grew some balls. Like I had enough strength to face life. It was all internal, and it was beautiful.
I’m trying to recall something Khan-ish that showed itself today…
It’s been 5 minutes. I’ll come back when I remember
I remember now. I was driving in town for work, and I suddenly felt strong. Confident. Capable. Not like a little boy hiding. It was very clear.
I wondered if K1 had allowed what I took in from St.2 to blossom. Because (I believe) K1 is just breaking you down.
Day 6
I did loops this morning. Forgot last night.
Whoa.
Just realized I come here looking for problems, as if I’m doing subs ONLY because I have problems.
I wanna change that.
I just began a movie, listened for less than 10 seconds, and shut it off.
Here’s why. I was avoiding this. Still am, on and off.
I’m kind of scared stepping into new responsibilities (in my head). I’ve been attracted to honest people around me, and the easy way is what I’ve done unsuccessfully too long.
I’m hoping … I’ll be like them if I’m just around them. But…the little boy’s driving that, essentially leaching off of others. I’m older now, and doing that means keeping my secrets and using everyone. I’m not ok with that.
It’s fighting me, and Khan is just changing everything I’ve lived like, like deep inside. Watching a movie is hiding from myself. And damn, it hurts now.
I don’t have control of this. I’m losing the survival bond I’ve had with my old self.
Day 7
Weekends off
Is this really happening?
I wrote this morning about my Ascension results, and I shared that rejection, both back then (2018) and now, have been my biggest fears in life.
I had something show itself less than 20 minutes back–and I caught it. I even shed brief tears noticing this.
All my adult life I’ve basically “looked around” in my mind, wondering “who’s watching me”, so I might fall in line with whomever–so I was in compliance. It didn’t matter where I was: work, church, out in town, anywhere…I just wanted to be “safe” and accepted by others. Fears of rejection have held their ground feverishly.
Again, I’ve done this my whole life.
And 20 minutes ago, I felt…unafraid of me being or thinking differently. I even felt defiant. I’ve never had that freedom. Even in religious atmospheres I made sure I acted “in line” with everyone else. My sense of freedom, even there, was held back by fears of being rejected. Fear never left.
And now…is something changing? Is Total Breakdown actually destroying these foundations I’ve lived on? Remembering the old Khan sales page… it said it’d not rehab or refurnish the apartment you were living in (your beliefs). Instead, it said it’d produce a skyscraper in its place.
@James, thinking of you. Being a “nice guy” myself, it feels good not being completely owned by such tenacious, unrealistic beliefs.
Day 8
Weekends off
I’m facing something I’ve not really wanted to. Expectations and anger I’ve held towards my brother. I can safely say I’ve never faced this.
I realized it this morning.
I have been quietly wanting to assault the thief who traded for me and took my money. I just got off of Instagram where we communicated, and I ended up telling him he’ll have a short life since in real life thieves are maimed or killed.
(Khan is active while I write. I’m used to ignoring or swallowing my anger)
I left Instagram and know nothing will change. Yet part of me was still hanging on to beliefs that… my brother still loved me. These are beliefs I held to when I was younger. I just wanted to be loved. I allowed those beliefs and feelings to steer me in this business transaction.
That little kid in me was stubbornly holding on, insisting he give me what I needed (my brother).
Khan seems to be changing something. It is.
All I know is I’ve been parked here with this fallout over 40 years. I’m glad I’m on Khan.
I’ve been wanting change. I’m looking for things I can do, and writing was an opening.
I just happened to be reading posts, and I found a post from Saint.
I just had an awareness. Just days back I wrote of starting a movie (to escape), but within 15-20 seconds I shut it down. I thought it was me avoiding a known escape.
What just occurred to me is that, like this morning, I hope to find a nugget in movies, something to feel connected and not alone. Like “me too”. I usually find something.
I think I shut it down since I didn’t want to feel connected. I didn’t want to feel. I also did it decisively, which is an aim of Khan.
Now, while writing that, I realized…umm…I’m watching movies to connect with people? Ummm…
I’m seeking a hideout in words, so I’ll stop that. I’m very used to believing I have to live behind armor to face people. That gear that I instantly slap on. I feel unconfident knowing I’m hiding “me”, and…
what I usually do is scan people’s faces, looking for cues and signs that they want to be real too. I do this. I do it on my job when seeing customers. I do it while shopping. I do it everywhere I go. If someone opens the door by saying something “non-scripted”, I usually smile and meet them at that level, saying non-verbally that I welcome their honesty.
The masks suffocate me. I need to be around genuine people. Is Khan setting me up for this? (Remembering Chosen now. Genesis too) I’ll hang on and do some forum reading as well. Fantasizing about other titles sets me up for self-sabotage.
Have you ever read the Robert Glover book? I started it but haven’t gotten far in
I didn’t get too far myself…since he nailed me in his earliest writings. Just called me out.
His early stance was very simple, and very true: most nice guys are nice since they are absolutely terrified others will leave and abandon them. Being nice is all meant to keep people from abandoning them. He could have stopped writing right there because my life has followed this script without fail.
No bluffing, no dancing around…just BOOM. Fact. I don’t remember exactly what I was running then, but truths like that made me want DR bad. DR (St.1, at least) has a sense of safety scripted in it, and with Glover bypassing all the “clinical” explanations, it made me crave some security and safety.
And I’ll admit this. I’ve hung onto that reality of ducking and dodging since nothing ever really seemed possible. In “normal” society, years of therapy are supposedly required.
Subliminals have always been a “fuck you!” to such social requirements for healing.
Seriously, after failing countless times (pre-subliminals), I strangely considered…hypnosis. Contacted a local person but I didn’t follow through. I realized mass productions of hypnosis were available, and online too. I finally purchased one. It was freeing me.
Then I found the subliminal vendor you and I met at. I was there 3-4 years. Then found SC.
And even today, I’m feeling a sense inside of wanting to touch this emotional root. To finally face it and own it. I’m also facing my own sense of limitation, that internal “I’m not allowed”.
But maybe this is where it shines. Because…from the Khan St.1 description:
“If there ever was a fast track to power through healing and destroying your limitations, then this is it.”
Day 8
St.1 and LBFH hours ago
3 minutes
I’m on Khan St.1 and LBFH. This is my 3rd Khan cycle after doing separate cycles of St.1 and St.2. I began LBFH midway through St.2, and that’s what I’m writing about.
Growing up, love was a foreign language to me. My mom lived with an undisclosed trauma, though as she aged, the walls she kept up became fragile. Her pain seeped out, sometimes spilling out freely, and even the alcohol couldn’t numb her enough. She passed 6 years ago, so the distance allows “some” objectivity.
She hid in her house most days. As a young teenager, that was so aggravating to me. Life was meant to be explored. She hid though. Tea, cigarettes, the TV, and alcohol were on hand at all times. I gave in to her since I didn’t want her to reject me.
I share the hiding part because I’ve been doing this myself for the last decade. ----no. Longer. Feeling safe at home has always a daily goal of mine.
And something hit my awareness while showering tonight (a great place for realizations I’ll add).
It was a love awareness. I believed all my life that for me to be worthy of any love at all, I had to give of myself. And… I wasn’t allowed to love myself. It was only for YOU. And you. And you. You too.
Not me though. Lopsided. These were my inherited standards.
I hid since being around anyone meant I had to give my love away. It’s why I loved my single bedroom I rented for 10 years, completely separate from others. I’ve lived in 2 houses renting a room with shared spaces since then, and … I feel a resentment since when I come home, I feel internally mandated to give any love away if I see others. I hibernate in my room when not getting something to eat or drink. Just to hold on to pieces of self love.
I’m even using LBFH since I’m sharing love with it. An internal “not worthy” message still directs me. I’m wondering if LBFH is finally sinking into my inner core, mixed with St.1 messages.
I did a cycle or two of the new LB while on Emperor last year, and I felt some distinct objectives on it. This same awareness of not being allowed to love myself showed up, but I kept it at arms length since healing it meant I’d feel more pain. I was scared of that love pain, which is rejection.
My ultimate goal in life seems to allow myself to feel some love for myself.
—BOOM-- This is why I pulled off the forum last year. I thought I had to give whenever I was here. I resented that.
This is why I don’t keep or call friends.
This is why I don’t have a girlfriend. Nor have I dated since my divorce in 2014.
What I ask myself now is “What IS self-love? Am I allowed to have it? How can I do this?”
Day 9
Loops last night
I’m wanting to feel secure and loved this morning. I’m sensing that lack of love in my life.
What can I do today for myself?
I woke up early so I could fill my water jugs. I just imagined going out in town. I remembered me ignoring myself once when around others. I need to correct that.
Forgiving myself when I make decisions that hurt me. I can love myself.
I’m going to go make my day
The self-protection feature popped up while using the new LB. I think I experienced it with LBFH, but it was less noticeable. I’m looking for this now
Day 11
Loops last night
I’m experiencing major mindset changes.
Seeing my limitations and fighting for something different.
As I told someone this morning, my limitations guide me. They steer me. Even when I consider a subliminal.
I’ve lived according to these limitations, and duh, I’ve had few options.
I’m starting to consider new avenues and directions I can take.
Sweet 
Day 16
This post is dedicated to anyone here who’s suffered bad recon and has almost abandoned their stack and goals completely due to it. I almost did.
It’s been 3 days since my last listen. Recon, the type where it feels like an unstoppable force is running me over slowly, where I felt terrified of admitting it (to myself mostly), resorting to old immature mindsets constantly, and where I even listened to other subliminals hoping to override it… I experienced this.
Adding other subliminals was the self-sabotage I’m regretting the most. Too much is too much is too much. I’m going to give myself another day off, at least.
Other recon reactions? I bought a soulmate sub from another producer (not delivered yet), and I rebuilt and rebought my Genesis/LB custom which I’d made too dense last year. I’ve wanted to work on prepping myself for a relationship. Yep. Çhanged directions (producers) while changing directions. Recon at its finest.
But something came to my memory just hours ago. Because I’ve done this before. Both @Jouissance and @Sub.Zero have said essentially,
“Don’t run away when recon hits you. If you find a sub nailing you heavily, allow it to change you. If you run, the stuff it touched will… remain unchanged! And you’ll STILL have to deal with those issues AGAIN!”
I had plans to put Phoenix with my Genesis custom.
But I’d still be running.
I’m tired of this shit. I may change directions later… but I’ve got to live with myself now. I don’t want to coward out. That’s not what I want. I’m doing this for me.
You’ve made great progress, mate. Don’t let recon ruin it. You know what you must do… what you must become. Stick with that, no matter what.
