I have been away from writing here for a while now. I have been contemplating a bit and have realized that I want to stay on Khan. It’s a difficult title to run and I need to take my time with the stages, I am currently on Total Reprogramming.
I’ve come to realize that when I went deep into the spiritual side, I did not have a very stable masculine foundation to stand on. This resulted in a complete crash of my perceived reality, and this is something I’m still trying to recover from.
For the last week or so I have played Khan TR and It’s been a wild ride of ups and downs. It literally installs a new you, and to be able to step into that the old you has to die. I belive that’s why I have always liked Total Breakedown, because it removes a lot of shit which makes you stronger, but in a way also you feel a lot like the old you still, so it feels more safe. But Total Reprogramming is another beast!
I always rushed through this stage towards the more shiny St3 and Complete, and this was a mistake from my part. TR is very important because it installs a new character, and that’s why it is so rough to go through. But this is the flame needed to be able to benefit greatly from the last two stages. St4 for an example has always felt ok for me with minimal recon, but this is most certainly because my subconscious rejected big parts of it.
Here are a few lines from the description of Total Reprogramming:
- Everything will be affected – voice, posture, thinking, beliefs, emotions, energy, relationships, sleep, inner voice, and others.
- Total Reprogramming will make you question yourself and your deepest aspirations, emotions, beliefs, personality traits… until you come out reforged with a purpose akin to steel.
I have felt this now for a week, a sense of loss of personality, questioning my a lot of old beliefs, suddenly falling asleep out of nowhere and so on.
It has also been strange when I’m out among people, I can feel the incongruency going on in my head, and that makes people a bit intimidated by me and most dare not look me in the eyes. I know this is a transitory thing and that why this is happening is because of this phase of heavy programming. In a sense I am showing a lot of confidence and positive body language, but my mind is struggling to really step into the new me.
This to me is just normal because I know Khan sets out to shatter societal programming that stands in the way. I take all signs of this as something I have to reconcile within myself and I never look at people and put the blame out there, this is something I need to do for myself and I take full responsibility.
Below is from the objectives of Khan.
- Completely detach from and neutralize all negative societal programming in regard to masculinity and sexuality.
Sweden is a highly de-masculined country and is something I have been struggling with during my younger years. Last weekend I was with my Maroccan friend and I met a lot of people that night that were from Middle East and North Africa, and I could really feel the difference from most Swedish men. There is so much more respect and honesty involved in a way and the cultural differences are so obvious. I could feel that some of them were a bit intimidated by me, but they always took a step forward and greeted me and showed respect.
So Khan it is now. Why not Chosen? I played Chosen for a good month or two and it’s a beautiful program that will find it’s way back into my stack sooner or later. But, I already gel pretty well with that program(miniman recon on it) and leadership skills is something I always had an easy time with. But with Kahn it’s a different ball park… it triggers me a lot and I know I grew up with a lot of sexual shame, so this feels just right.
Khan was the first program I ever run back in 2020 and it is the program that keeps popping up in my head every time I don’t run it.
Going Forward And Stack
Khan Total Reprogramming will be the main in my stack going forward now for a while. I do plan to play a bit of EoG St1 and my Custom Sacred Heart, but these will be kept to once a week and at low minutes to put as much focus as possible on Khan.
EoG St1 fells right because I need to fix my money beliefs. Way back I never struggled with money but I wasn’t rich or anything, I just did not put any focus on it as playing sports took up all my days.
But after a couple of years of travelling all over the world and joining groups and mentors to become rich, because that sounded like a great plan back then 
After all of this crashed a couple of years back I have some blockages when it comes to money. It goes hand in hand with the rest of my life, I just dropped everything and walked away… I do realize that this was quite foolish but that’s what I felt back then.
What I need to focus on now is building a new life. At the moment I don’t have a home, lost most of my old friends, no stable income, and I spend most of my days being outside of things. I miss just having fun with other people, and especially during the summer when I see people get together everywhere, but I just keep taking my long walks by myself.
So that could be a thing to, finding new friends that are more like me. I can be very intense and I often talk about really deep stuff because that is what I enjoy, but most people I meet are just not ready for that and run the other way.
And lastly, I don’t have to change the name of this journal 
back when I started I did a complete Khan playthrough in isolation, but then for some reason I kept going back an fourth between programs 