Thank you @Michel. I read your reply while at work.
I’m anxious writing here, for I’m wishing to be vulnerable and honest. I’ve been holding back a bit these last 2 weeks.
I had Kahn running on my phone until lunch. Reconciliation surfaced, and I turned on Regeneration, using it alone all afternoon. I’m running it now, and I feel like it’s digging deeper. My thoughts in this last hour have been searching for some roots, a direction in my life, and a “why” for my listening. I realized I still feel very immature emotionally.
I allowed this thought process wondering if “I” am trying to get my own attention. I’ve sought attention here, me “performing” a lot for attention, and dammit, I’m hurting myself. I’ve placed everyone else’s standards higher than my own, mostly since I’ve been ashamed of myself and who I’ve thought I (am). I’ve not believed in myself, and have constantly sought out people who did. Pain and shame go with those beliefs.
Pain and shame come with me still seeking some brother figure in my life to say “good job!” (I’m 48), me not dating or even seeking a relationship with any woman (fearing more performing–or lying), and me seeing those present norms, seeing men’s reactions to my “not living”, and feeling low because of all that.
I wondered if Ascension and Regeneration would be a better fit. I also doubted myself, imagining men correcting me in this wondering. I just knew it’d be more focused on some key goals of mine.
What do I want? I want a strong foundation. I want roots that stay down even when the shit hits the fan. I want relationships where I’m not some needy parasite seeking validation and esteem from anyone and everyone. I want to be real and accepted. I may be immature emotionally, but gdammit, this is where I am right now!!!
A movie popped up in my mind which I watched 4 months back or so. A woman ran a nice little coffee shop which she’d opened many years back. She questioned why she let her fiance go, a very successful man in big real estate. He returned into her life, he was sweet to her–but why she left him clicked one night. She said “he didn’t love me for who I am. He fell in love with who he thought I may be someday”
I feel I’m doing that to myself. I’m not loving me, the vulnerable, curious person who I am. I keep trying to be “more, better, and … enough”. The irony in that searching is…it’s never enough.
I read your posting today Michel, and you pointed out the irony of not finding what you sought when you were seeking them. When you didn’t care so much about them, they popped up everywhere. I’ve been too vested in seeking masculinity, confidence, and even relationships, male and female. I’m seeing those things–but I often sabotage some good things, mostly due to fear.
I may be just feeling some fear. But I’m seeking some input and clarity.