Kahn Journal: New possiblities

[subliminalguy]

I jumped in. Running Kahn Stage 1 now on ultrasonic. Am going to download it on my phone.

I saw it was released and had NO idea they would do a healing sub as the foundation. Using Limitless v.2 lately has had me aware New Dawn is very smooth.

I’ll give a testimony to why I picked this up so quickly. I saw my mom today, after a good month of no communication at all. She’d got out of the hospital a month ago, was very very whiny, and it disgusted me. I felt she was dragging me down, and being on powerful subs were having an impact. So, I pulled out of her life. However, she was on my mind daily. Guilt and fear were steady companions.

I’ve been on Regeneration for the last couple of weeks, and a result came up today when she asked directly why I’d pulled away. Literally, the old sly blame came to mind (since I’d been practicing for it mentally), and I began to speak. I stopped. Right there, I felt the truth that “it takes one to know one”. I’d been angry at her since I saw her as refusing to adapt to life’s challenges and changes, yet whining to others to help her handle it. But right there, I saw myself doing it too. I think most of me wanted to see her again since…she understood and accepted this. And near the end of our visit, I brought this point up for closure between us. I said I realized I was angry since I realized I’ve not grown. She wondered if I blamed her, and no, that wasn’t even my focus. My anger was not at her. I was angry since I’m facing the stuff I’ve denied, denied, and denied more. It was a disappointment in myself that kept getting louder, and louder, and louder.

Loop 1 down, and will keep it on exclusively. Time frame? Feeling some tears and anger in me…I’ll be on this as long as it takes. Staying in one spot in my life intentionally…is not worth it. So that’s why I picked up Kahn so soon. I don’t think it’ll be easy and cushy. I do believe I’ll be better though as I persevere. I’m up for some change. Let’s see what happens.

[GideonCahill]

Good luck on your journal! This new subliminal looks promising

[subliminalguy]

No dreams. No emotional drama experienced. My tears last night were mostly a surrendering of my old ways, nothing less. Thankfully, I’ve been looking over journals, and I was reminded that Kahn is a big script which will take time to settle in.

Real change isn’t an overnight process. But I am looking for internal changes coming on. Like… I’m impatient . I will go out to do laundry today, and I feel more relaxed even now, after drinking 2 cups of coffee. PS has a calming effect, and it’s in the core script. I’m wondering about interactions with women.

For example, yesterday I went grocery shopping for my mom. I’d been running Regeneration mostly, and my thinking is “noone’s attracted to people who are healing”. However, I FELT strong and I carried myself confidently. And my mom sent me to Publix, a store who’s market is primarily women. I got meds for my mom at the pharmacy; the clerk was all smiles, and she looked at me straight on, even saying something last minute to be noticed. Let it be known I’ve liked shopping for my Mom due to this! I’ve had such experiences before.

Something I look forward to is a change which may come in later stages. I get looks often. I just have not pursued anyone. Been divorced 5 years now, but I’ve dated or pursued noone. And I was no different pre-marriage. I kind of see myself as a “relationship virgin” around women, for I’ve been purposely clueless a long time. I’ll say 90% is nothing more than irrational fear. So I’m grateful Kahn is out, and I’ll go with the changes. Stage 1 first.

[subliminalguy]

I’ll share something I may do differently in the future. This just happened.

My bitcoin miner is an attractive young widow who lives in Canada, and I live in FL. She’s thrown flirtatious comments to me before, even saying when I pick up a mining machine she’s offered me, she’ll come down to FL to help me set it up. She’s very direct, and pretty sensual.

She messaged me on IG this morning. We’d been in discussion yesterday about something, so I kept it up this morning. Now, here’s where I turned down a flirtatious request. She said she’s out having a drink with friends, and she asked if I wanted to join. It took me a moment, but I realized she wanted to do a video cam with me and her friends. I knew I would be admitting my fear by declining, so I hesitated. A minute later I replied “no thanks”. She replied with a beer icon, saying “for you”

Kahn is reported to push even the most stubborn people to hook up with women. I look forward to my mindset changes. Change in one day? Nah. In months? Yeah. I’ve used a few subs long term and have come to really enjoy executing them. Today has been good, and I’m still going. Nice.

[subliminalguy]

I’ll share something I believe is directly linked to Kahn.

I’ve been home a bit on my laptop today, writing this morning, and playing a game online this afternoon. However, both times I’ve had YT playing, and I’ve been drawn towards old popular love songs.
And related to this post, yesterday I was invited by a coworker for a group outing at one of the local bars at the end of this month. I’ve never been a bar kind of guy, yet this coworker said girls are everywhere there, and these guys, drivers for our company, gather a lot of attention there. This has been on my mind…and its a large reason I picked up Kahn. I didn’t want to be the same 30 days from now.

And this morning while listening to songs, I came upon a karaoke playlist in the same love song genre. I was in my place here partially singing, but playing out dramatic and dynamic scenes from the songs, me imagining playing out/feeling out/oozing out the songs in front of these women, me having given no clue to the other guys that I, too, can mix my heart and emotions into a song to grab a girl’s attention. I thought I was quite good

Now, on a sub related note, I found it easy and even shocking (to myself) to emote honestly in the words I sung. I’ve had some long time barriers to emoting in front of others, imagining unrealistic and unimaginable consequences. Yeah, I was a bit shocked, as I felt old connections being easily snapped. Kahn is breaking through my shell!

[subliminalguy]

Kahn poked through something big this morning. I’ve run Kahn all weekend nonstop, and I read @AMASH’s comment about not playing Kahn 24/7. It was an inner knowing of his.

Well, this morning, I turned it off to possibly allow some processing to happen. I didn’t see this coming, but within minutes, something big clicked. I realized I’ve avoided relationships with girls (when younger) and women (now) since I was being loyal to my brother, waiting and expecting him to come back. When I was 11 or 12, he left home and never returned home. He was 13, full of himself, and he moved out since a friend’s family was very supportive of him vs. my mother who was very critical of him. My mom gave in, and our lives moved on. He was my main, and only, father figure.

“I’m not stuck. This doesn’t bother me” I’ve said to myself. Kahn showed me something I’d never seen. When I felt it, I KNEW this was true. I felt small and young, vulnerable…and wanted to hide in being an adult. I ran Kahn all today on my phone, except I turned it off an hour during lunch.

I’m considering running a set number of loops during sleep so I can process more.

And I’m listening to Def Lepard on Pandora since my driver today was playing an 80’s station today, and this classic just came on. White Lion’s “When the Children Cry”. (made me cry when I pulled it up on YT)

I’ve been on hold a very long time. Kahn is purposely pushing stuff out. Thank God.

[subliminalguy]

Listening to old music isn’t helping. I heard old Bon Jovi, Whitesnake, Scorpions, Brian Adams…good music…

but I used to hide in it. It’s a great 5 minute escape, but not more than that. Something good can become bad when I’m using it to avoid stuff.

When I felt that just now, I thought of my brother. I felt protected then. Safe. Carefree. And I was loyal to him. I didn’t know, but I still am loyal. It was an old truth.

What I’m grappling with is seeing the truth now. He’s pretty psychotic now, being honest. He demands compliance to his desires now with a not so subtle threat of violence. I didn’t grow up with that, but that mentality unchecked hit by divorce and non-compliance of his former wife has him looking for victims to overpower. I see him like a dangerous dictator. A scared shitless kid seeking control by trying to control others.

I didn’t grow up with that. I’m searching for some meaning in this. I’ll get some sleep. My imagination is really stirring, and I need some sleep.

[subliminalguy]

Looking back at yesterday, I felt a bit playful and interactive with coworkers, which is not my usual focus. And due to Kahn, I felt completely confident and at peace with it. It was like I’d walked into a new room, and was instantly ok with it.

I wished to mention this since stage 1 would appear to be heavy, burdensome, and undesirable. I had emotions about my brother yesterday morning, then when I got home. I’d kept Kahn on all but one hour midday, and it affected me nicely. Having Daredevil in there makes this very feasible.

Emperor was like that too. I’d be melancholy at home alone, but when I put myself around people, I was definitely different. Confident, focused, and purposeful in all of my actions. Kahn is still new to my “reality”, but I felt real comfortable yesterday. (Not like I was on some “heavy” healing sub. Been there, done that) Makes me want to go out around people to FEEL GOOD.

[subliminalguy]

Kahn was working on me yesterday. I was in my own world mentally, and my bs kept being challenged.

There’s good in this. If I keep living behind self-made lies, nothing will change. Kahn is working in a way where it’s making me wish to give it up. I’m not forced.

One big thing being challenged is me allowing guys to make digs at me. I normally laugh with it. Something has not been feeling right these last 2 days, and I don’t have a plan to handle it. I was feeling uncomfortable not speaking up for myself, whereas before I was just “surviving” the social banter at work.

Yesterday I read some of @TheBoxingScientist’s Emperor/Kahn thread and he stood up to his friend’s friend who was being a jerk. I imagined being in a similar situation, speaking clearly, even slowly, to let one know I won’t allow it. I’ve often taken such behavior from others. Let’s see what happens today.

[subliminalguy]

No conflicts today with coworkers. And the only one who normally makes digs at me was talking to me since, well, I knew what I was talking about. We’ve talked about investing before, and he said when he’s asked other people about how to actually jump into whatever they’re discussing, they often leave the conversation quickly. It frustrates him, and our discussion was pretty encouraging for me, as I spoke with assurance of what I knew, yet I was and have been open about hindrances/dishonesty by some/etc.

That was just something nice which happened today though. I came here to share something which I’m soaking in.

Thinking over my first thoughts on past relationship and business decisions, I see clearly that I made it bad for myself since I always sought out someone else to be responsible. Me never being responsible made me a “victim”, with all the shitty feelings associated with it. It also encouraged me to feel and act young. I’m close to 50, and I’ve played old roles around people which constantly made me feel …incompetent. Sit on that for a few years, and big plans are easily brushed away.

What I’m soaking in is a feeling of “owning my shit”. It might sound intimidating if you’re still hiding out from it, but I have hid out from it, and I feel BIGGER for simply doing what I’m doing now. I can only credit Kahn since that’s all I’ve used this past week, and I’ve reported already that some things have not felt right. Me running from responsibility is fun for a while, and Kahn is subtly changing my focus. It feels good, and I’m feeling more competent to take on even responsibilities I’ve feared for years–money being one. This is probably why I’ve gone in circles for 20+ years in the recovery field. I was just looking for excuses full-time. They’re not to blame and slander; I had that shit in my own head.

Came home, and I am organizing my plans for this evening. I think of what @fire said about Regeneration while I was on it. He put some scripting in there where I’d enjoy small successes, thus paving a new mental roadway where my successes will build upon each other. Momentum is key, and I’m enjoying this ride currently. It feels good.

[subliminalguy]

Today was serious and deep for me. I was tired, took a short snooze on both my break and during lunch. I’d been running Kahn all night last night, and I ran it all day in my pocket. I worked alone, and due to that, I was safe to be in my thoughts.

I just got home, opened up my computer, and began a thing I’ve repeated numerous times. I get emails from online marketers, and I’ve followed the sales hype sometimes. When I began skimming through the headlines, I knew my norm was to be sucked into the sales message. In other words, it’s stressful. That’s THEIR desire, not necessarily mine.

I read Saint’s reply about Regeneration vs. Total Breakdown in another thread, and he said TB will challenge every belief we have, questioning why do or believe something (paraphrased).

I’m not making life good for myself doing this over and over. I’m creating a stress factory, and doing this makes no sense. Today I noticed that I had a bit more common sense than usual. When stuff makes no sense, why do I do it?

A better question is “am I ready to stop doing it?”

[subliminalguy]

I did see something VERY clearly today though too. I’m glad I remembered it.

I looked at one coworker while I was walking by, and I clearly realized I’d held unspoken grudges at him AND many men. For a split second I realized I expected him to call out the man in me. In short, to father me. I thought “Holy shit! That’s why I feel pain and abandonment every day I come to work!”

When I thought of that, I was not wrapped up in protecting me. I saw me in my mind not having walls and pretenses up.

I’ve put these hopes on SO MANY men. And I’ve held resentments at women too since they wouldn’t/couldn’t do it. (“Go on a date? No, you’ll see the deep hate in my eyes”) I’ve felt like I was fucked as a man, I’ve played a victim to it, and pain and anger often surface, trying to protect me, for I felt abandoned and scared. I thought I was alone. Fear and anger, my primary tools, kept everyone away.

This has been a root in my life experiences. Like I’ve put anyone in charge of me and my choices, and I’ve been a bitch too fucking long seeking that “calling out”. Fuck, this is huge!

In those moments, I considered something strange: treating myself like a good man. Loving myself. Like the man…I am. (…Could I really do this?)

And part of me, the part keeping status quo, says “what the fuck is this?!!”

Gonna post this now. I shed some tears while writing this.

[subliminalguy]

To see what would happen, I didn’t run Kahn last night. I slept nicely. Wish I could still sleep, but I’m heading to work soon. I’m running Kahn now, and will run it in my pocket all day.

Having a sub tire me out means change is happening upstairs. I did not feel anxious getting up this morning, and last night’s post subject is still running in the background of my mind. I didn’t think this stuff would/could change. I look forward to today.

Thank you @SaintSovereign and @Fire. Kahn is powerful.

[subliminalguy]

I had a busy day, inside and out, but the end sums up what Kahn is leading me to.

I got a call from my mom yesterday that she was in the emergency room again, and when I spoke to her, I was critical of her in my head. This is the 3rd time in only 2 months, and it looks like she likes going.

Before going there, I was adamant I’d speak up if she was critical, and I had a plan to leave if she persisted. Let it be known that I have rarely had boundaries with my mom. Just imagining this going down was pissing me off. I’ve spoken up to her maybe once in the last 3 years. Kahn must be instilling some boundaries for myself, and I’m all for it.

And just like on Ascension, I’d planned out my words and responses…and nothing, nothing at all…happened. My mom was in good spirits. She was being given really good care by her nurse, and also an assistant. They were with my mom most of the time I was there. I saw them being very caring and tender with my mom, as a cut on her leg had gotten infected, and it spread. She is undernourished, and she came in for antibiotic treatment, and she’ll likely go home Sunday.

During the 30 minutes I was there, I noticed numerous nurses turning their heads when they passed by my mom’s door. I was quite surprised, and honored.

When I left I passed both nurses who’d been with my mom, and said my goodbyes. One was shy and smiling, and the other, the head nurse, I picked up a weariness with being hit on. Not rude, but purposefully and clearly distant.

I thought of something shortly after leaving the hospital, and I’ve never thought this. I imagined tipping the head nurse a couple hundred dollars, complimenting her and her team on how they treated my mom so well.

I imagined this distant one being shocked but elated, and winning her admiration. I imagined her asking if I was looking for a date (with both attraction and defiance showing), and I honestly replied that wasn’t my intention, but I’d love one. End of the imagined story.

I’m a little elated myself even considering this. I’ve shared I’ve not pursued women much at all, even during my childhood, and even this imagination wasn’t overkill. I was just being me. “Me” seems to be changing quickly and steadily on Kahn.

[subliminalguy]

How do I do this? Being a man is hard presently.

Listening to Kahn Total Breakdown now, it’s been running for hours, I am tired, but stuff is getting pulled up. Nowhere to go today. Feeling scared since I feel weak.

I feel like I’m failing. The biggest thing is a money deal I missed this week. All I needed for a $60K bitcoin withdrawal was $3K, and I asked people online, spoke to a coworker who had money, offered a 150% ROI, but…I was scared, letting it go by day after day. The window was open until Friday evening. It passed. I did email the department doing withdrawals on Thursday asking for a week’s extension, but got no reply yet.

I’d told some coworkers. I told my daughter. That money would open up doorways between us, and I’m…comfortable in failing? Afraid of growth, change, and uncertainty? I’m being hard on myself. Real hard on myself. That money would have opened numerous doorways, plus I’d have ability to withdraw MUCH more very inexpensively, allowing me to move up near my daughter. I feel like a liar.

I’m also feeling low since I feel like I’m failing here. TB is clearing out feelings I’ve ran from for ages. Tiredness is keeping me from staying in things I can change today, so I have a feeling like I failed. Its root is old stuff from growing up, me blaming myself (still… )

So, I followed an obvious relief. I signed up for a movie premiere showing tomorrow, which I’d gotten in an email. I don’t recall how I found his site (wakeupwarrior.com), but I signed up for this movie called “Be the Man”. https://www.betheman.com/premiere. The email’s subject was “Am I Broken As A Man?”, challenging old false beliefs about desiring more sex and income. I’m hoping it’ll provide some relief. Being around strong men encourages me greatly, so that’s why I signed up.

Just realized this: I can only be free from the self punishment if I accept myself, all of me. I can and will practice this now.

[subliminalguy]

Total Breakdown is breaking down old fortresses in my mind. This is good, and it has me soft now.

I’m about to head to Walmart since I need another tire changed; they ordered it 2 weeks back. I’m a little uncomfortable since I’m thinking like a “Fuck you!” to men I’ve seen, like…I’m in competition with them for the women around. This made me think of something which happened a year ago while in Walmart.

I’d begun a sexual attraction sub from another vendor (yes, the unfinished one), and I was walking in front of the store while people were checking out. I saw this one beautiful young blonde mom with an infant, and damn, we locked eyes. I kept looking while walking, yet noticed this tall, linky guy right behind her, and it was obvious they were a couple. I was feeling my emotions, and I turned away. Why?

I turned away since I saw him like I saw my brother, and he wasn’t the alpha type. Nor have I been. Being on that sub made me not care about other men mostly, but it bothered me that I was eyeing his woman sexually, and I wouldn’t want to be pushed aside to allow another man to come and take my prize. It felt wrong, so I looked away.

And this event doesn’t stand alone. This guy was closer to my brother’s size, and I’ve shared I’ve been loyal to him. When my brother first got married, I found his young wife attractive enough that despite her requests that I come over to see my brother more often, I wouldn’t because of my lusting for her. I wanted to do her, and my relationship with my brother went deeper than this. I even told my wife why, and she passed it on to his wife. My wife told me this later.

So I’m wondering how I’ll act today, so I’m writing. Being out in public using these subs are where they show up. Ascension, AM, and Emperor all shined when around people. I need to go now, as part of me just wants to stay.

[subliminalguy]

No issues with women or men while shopping, for I wanted to retreat mostly, and I did on one occasion. I paid for my tire after it was put on, then I went shopping for a few things. While checking out, I was having trouble with opening the self-checkout bags. A blonde worker came over, helped me out, then looked at me. I felt detached already, so when she sought out my eyes, I only kept her in my eyes a second or two, and I felt bad, knowing I’d rejected her advance. Still a little down, so I’m going to take a walk after this post.

While waiting for my tire, I looked through the magazine section and pulled one I’d not looked into 2 weeks back. It was all about specific moves and battles on D-Day, June 6, 1944. My own dad was a driver for one of the platoon dropoff boats on that day, and he received a silver star for disobeying orders and pulling wounded men back in to take back to the ship. I was seeking to know the courage of these men better.

I read the whole hour, following certain named leaders, yet expecting them to be killed at any time. Many were killed. Some stood out due to extreme sacrifice for others. One story actually made me weep while sitting there. D-Day had a number of high officials on the ground there, which I have never heard of before, and one lieutenant was with his troops in a unfamiliar area. I had to read this story 2ce, for it made no sense, yet it also made perfect sense.

This lieutenant was giving cover fire for his crew, when suddenly 2 paratroopers appeared out of nowhere, one on each side of him. And in seconds, mortar blasts hit close, killing the men on both sides of him. He was uninjured, but years later wondered “why me?” He believed them to be angels from heaven protecting him. This had me crying. I’ve read about such things in civil times, but to my knowledge, that’s the first war-time story I’ve heard of regarding divine protection.

From my own experience, I did try to join the military 2ce in my life, and both times I was seeking to escape my life here. My first was after high school. My Navy recruiter was pretty new, and I was about to sign the papers when a Marine recruiter walked in. My recruiter asked him “do we take epileptics?”, and the Marine recruiter piped up loudly “NO!!” End of that.

In 2005 I had an operation which removed the seizure trigger area, I was seizure-free, and five years later, I applied with the Army. The recruiter loved my scores, but they required I have another brain test before moving forward. I was declined since they still had traces of irregular rhythms, so no go again. And maybe saved by divine protection.

Because before, during, and after this attempt to join the military, I was driving my young daughter to school. We lived a town away, but her private school was only 2 miles from my job, so I drove her to and from school for years. These years with her were some of the best in my entire life. I loved being with her, and I loved the “job” of driving her all around. I saw her grow up. I was close to her. I was able to be a steady figure in her life. This was a real gift to me, looking back, as being part of raising her helped me GREATLY. Being around people who are growing requires me to check myself consistently to see if I’m growing too. Being aware of this, in the moment, is a true blessing. And from what I can see, this was the real reason I was not allowed to join the military.

I just texted her to hook up by phone today.

[subliminalguy]

Since I had a fear of being lethargic today at work, I listened to Regeneration while sleeping last night. Regeneration has both Deep Sleep and Limitless Physical Energy, and the latter module is why I chose it. I was running Regeneration and Limitless 2 right before Kahn came out, and I really appreciated being a bad-ass on the job. I wished to have some energy today.

I switched back to Total Breakdown once I woke up and am running it now. I’m having this feeling push through, one I had 2 days ago, and it’s about failure. Maybe Kahn is pushing this out, as I know from observing myself I’ve hung on to old, strong feelings since they were REAL, and not concocted. Just by writing this out, my train of thought went to “is holding on to them good for me?”

I don’t know. What I do know is hanging onto the PAST does not help me. When I see it (family members mostly), it disgusts me. People rolling in their shit, their resentments, is the most discouraging and soul-killing activity I know.

I’m going to fairly brag. I had to see my mom at the hospital after work Friday, and she requested some clean clothes. I went to her place and was doing a load of her clothes when my brother called. For nearly 10 minutes he first bitched about our mom, then his ex-wife, and finally mom again. When it went back to his juvenile resentments, I drew my line.

I was sick of it–as this is his disgusting norm–so I clearly said, “I gotta go”. He paused, and immediately began an angry “why are you an asshole who won’t listen to me?” stance. I repeated myself, and hung up.

I’ve never done that so clearly and so easily my whole life. I’ve bitched back or kept silent. But I’d do it again, and as long as he wants a dumping ground. I used to have the same habit, and subliminals have helped me with the victim stance. I just have no desire to play in my shit every single day. I can do things which make me feel GOOD. I love my brother, but not this bullshit.

[subliminalguy]

Real life checks me sometimes.

I got home from work, came right to my laptop to turn on some YT music. A message alert popped up in Hangouts, and I’ve not conversed with anyone there in weeks.

It was the other bitcoin miner I’ve worked with. He apologized for being inactive, but his mum had passed a month ago, and he’s been incommunicado.

I thought of my own mom. She’s been in the hospital 3 times the last 2 months, and honestly, it’s bothered me. Just a selfish truth. She’s 79, but she’s needy. It stirs old resentments over her manipulating for attention–or believing she’s helpless. Specifically, believing she’s helpless pisses me off since I believe it’s unfair.

I’ve tried to distance myself from her unhealthiness by ignoring her a lot these last 2 years, as the relationship effects due to her full-time alcoholism is showing up.

The real struggle I have is not knowing what I can expect from her. I’m late 40’s and I’d still like something emotionally from my mom.

However, something in me is guarded and wiser in this. My mom’s emotional cup is empty 95% of the time, so why should I expect much from her? And despite writing that, part of me still wants something.

Subliminals can’t fill my void, but Total Breakdown may readjust my desires–my own “neediness”. I wrote that since today while at work I had TB on, and I actually clearly was trying to reframe the stress I was in regarding my financial situation. I just realized I was sitting there in the work truck, actively reframing my situation. I’ve been dishonest with myself, and I’m scared of being successful with money. Damn. Like I’ve thought being free from financial stress would make me cold, distant, and uncaring to others in need. —wow…just realized something… I’ve always thought “success = lying”. I’ve said to myself “I don’t feel successful, but I’ll smile and lie to you”. That’s stayed with me ever since I was in college. I felt lonely and scared, but I lied if asked, always to myself first. Living in lies was like me living behind a wall you never knew existed. I created shit to fill my story, but constantly feared someone would find out the truth.

I’ve lied to myself about my mom. I’m disappointed that she doesn’t love herself enough or even seek to. I also just thought “how bad can my stuff be when she is beating the shit out of herself constantly?” Something I learned from sober alcoholics is that they always were 100 times worse on themselves than anyone else ever was. With that one truth, her life is a living hell, honestly.

Something(s) are being dug up. I’m glad I’m on Total Breakdown. Because this very stuff has been on my plate for eons, just sitting there untouched.

[subliminalguy]

I’m feeling down today as I keep trying to return to a once-comfortable norm. It’s not working. I think the biggest thing I am both wanting and fighting is the freedom to be honest with myself. I actually got a piece of that when I drove into my driveway after work. I’d considered coming inside in this “escape” mentality. Imagining this made me see I was trying to force my emotions into a stressful spot. It was stressful only since it was dishonest. I relaxed sitting in my van, accepting that I felt down, and I was ok in it.

And something which came to mind just today was wondering if I’m uncomfortable since Kahn may be hanging on this so I see it. Like that guilt knowing I could do something different, yet no, I haven’t yet.

I’m actually pretty disappointed in myself currently, still looking for an easy way. And…it’s strange. Feeling the pain is uncomfortable; it’s not where I want to stay. But part of me feels bigger and even more mature seeing new choices daily when my normal ones aren’t working in the midst of this pain.

I’ve been listening to TB almost 24/7 these last 3 days, and I’m getting tired of me fighting this change. Which is maybe why I’ve seen some individuals clearly making things harder in their lives when they don’t need to. It takes one to know one. I’ve been doing that.

It’s like that stubborn part of me is fighting to win. I’m determined to grow through it, not give in to it. Not bury it, but make peace with it while being honest with myself.