Kahn Journal: New possiblities

[subliminalguy]

I raised my volume on my phone while at work this morning, and I think it was too low before. I’d had it about 50% since when I used a competitor’s subs, the volume was louder. 50% would have worked better for me using the competitor’s, but I’ve been doing it backwards recently. I put it closer to 70% today, and I feel stabler now. Thank God. I feel more hopeful today.

I also had doors swing open for me to do a bitcoin withdrawal next week. My window had been open until last Friday, the 7th, but I emailed the exchange on the 6th asking for an extension. I got a reply yesterday saying they’re leaving it open until the 28th of June, and today, after simply asking, a business-minded coworker is going to help me with the 3k fee. He’s even going to send me a business contract for this, as he knows enough about money to make a contract. I’m in good company.

This is great!

[subliminalguy]

I’m getting pissed. Total Breakdown is igniting a fire in me similar to what happened on Ascension, and I’m slowly allowing it. 2 different things have shown up on TB, one is power, and the other is sexual desire.

The same coworker I got pissed at on 'Ascension has been upping his putdowns and disrespect. Being honest, I have not been in a single fight my entire life. Not one. And this guy is sick where he’s been trained in the military to kill without feeling, etc. He’s from inner city NY, so he uses that for intimidation. He doesn’t learn IMO. He’s just an asshole. His version of alpha. Fuck him. I just took a shower, and was imagining telling him to fuck off. No reasoning, no discussion. He’d come in, give his usual disrespect, and I’d say “go fuck yourself”. I have no desire to tangle with him, for he’s a street thug at heart. Fuck him. Now I’m seeing why grown men learn martial arts.

TB is showing me this day by day. And it contrasts my normal stance of laughing it off, allowing it, and feeling taken advantage of after. Still listening almost 24/7.

On the sexual side, no sex yet, but I’m noticing my own patterns of looking at women today. Specifically, when I returned to the shop to punch out today, the present secretary (unsure of her title) is a thick, beautiful, tanned Indian girl who I thought was from the Caribbean. She not. She has a nice ass, and I like it. When I told her my duties today for payroll, she was walking around in her office shuffling papers, didn’t look at me, but damn, she turned around to pick up something, giving me an ass shot. I wondered after “did she really do that for me?” She’s got a boyfriend, but I normally treat her like she’s attractive. Then, right after that, a guy right after me came in and showed his ass by trying to tell her what she needed to do for him to wrap up his day, and that further made me think. I’ve not played “nice” to her, I’ve mostly been quiet around her when others are around, for some guys are constantly vying for her attention. But I’d pursue her. I used to feel ashamed of liking thick women, but I’m noticing they draw my attention way more than Barbie doll figures. Barbie dolls are hot, but I like thick women

Maybe the power and sexual messages are crossing for me. I’ve not connected them much in my own head, but I’ve avoided them for years. Still finding things popping up. I’ll add this before I go. While driving home, I considered going to the gas station just to see the cashiers. I’ve not had such impulses on subs as of yet, but Kahn is said to push the most resistant into relationships with women. I didn’t go, but I did feel it. Kahn is working.

[subliminalguy]

I had 2 different experiences today, and both grew me some.

About midday I found out someone had called me out on a dishonest posting I’d made months back. I used to wish to hide or get defensive when I was challenged or questioned, but this time I felt genuine guilt for my wrong, and I quickly worked to make amends. Something in me knew the only way out was through, so I made changes ASAP. I still am responsible for what I did, but hiding was not a feasible option this time. Regarding Kahn, I’ve felt more emotion lately, and seeing what I’d done in this situation had me wanting to out myself, and I did. Lying more–either to myself or others–would have kept a constant unnecessary fear in place, so I just admitted to it and made needed changes. Doing this vs. the bullshit of lying was EASY.

That was the one difficult thing today. The other is on the other side of life and relationships. It has to do with giving.

It started this morning around 630AM, with me and my regular Saturday work partner starting out on our route. He was hungry, so we stopped at Burger King so he could pick up breakfast and go. We went in, me thinking I’d get nothing since I’d eaten plus I’m watching my money for my bitcoin withdrawal next weekend. He got his stuff, almost paid, but then asked me if I wanted a sausage biscuit. I quickly replied yes, as I desired it. I felt wrong though, like a user, since I had money on me.

I’d not had any plan on giving back, but I did think of it. And an hour before we finished, we stopped at a gas station, mostly to kill some time. I wanted to give back, so I asked him if he wanted a drink. His immediate question was “you paying?” which I quickly said yes to. We walked in, and I went to make a coffee for myself. My coworker made a soda, and he handed it off to me to go pay for it.

But while I was making my coffee, I’d gotten into a funny discussion with a guy making coffee for his wife, who was waiting on him outside. He’d not tried some new flavors, I hadn’t either, so it was like “let’s see how this tastes”. We both liked our creations, and we headed to check out.

Here’s what caught my attention. This guy bought his one drink, but without seeking permission, paid for my 2 at the same time. I was stunned seeing how he gave like it was normal. When my coworker came to get his drink, I told him this guy had just paid for it. His response was “see what happens when you give to people? Good things come your way.” He then shared how he was out with his wife last night and saw a homeless guy. He’d gave some money to that guy, and then he watched as another woman stopped driving to give the guy some money, and immediately after watched another guy stop to give the homeless guy a Burger King meal. It made him feel good inside. I felt good just hearing about it.

I know I’m thinking about this since my mom told me last weekend she wished to be put in a nursing home when she leaves the hospital so she’ll have time to rehabilitate safely. I’ve not called. My brother, who’s caring for her mostly, called Thursday, but left no message. I didn’t call back because I didn’t wish to listen to his guilting and “shoulding” on me. He acts like a martyr and reacts angrily to those not wanting to play his game. And my sister texted me Friday afternoon saying my mom went to the nursing home. She sided with my brother though, like it was our job to emotionally support him. He’s playing different roles in the victim triangle. I don’t support the victim thinking.

But I’m still thinking about my mom. I’ve stopped repeatedly since I still feel like giving to her is a never-ending aim. It’s an old message I grew up with. I always looked for a return, but was disappointed regularly. So, I just stopped giving. It was giving everything everyday, or not at all. The latter was not an option while growing up, but so was receiving anything from her.

But I’m in the spot though where I have to live with myself now. And I’ve said it before here: most of my worst imaginations about people in my life NEVER occur. Like last weekend with my mom. Like weeks before when I visited her at home. Nothing bad I’d imagined ever happened. (I’ve been playing the victim bullshit here. I’m seeing it now when I compare myself. I’ve been playing this role. Hmm.)

How to change? Take care of myself first, for if I’m shitting on me, I’ll shit on someone else too.

But… giving back to my mom is me giving back to myself too. I remember loving my wife when I was chasing her pre-divorce. I learned giving of myself made me feel really good about myself. Loving her was essentially loving myself too. THAT is a good addiction to have. And I got a similar feeling inside last weekend when I saw my mom.

I’ll go see my mom. I need to give to receive. I already had my lesson today, getting coffee

Edit: Called. Got her answering machine and left a message. Then texted her since I don’t know which nursing home she’s at. Then texted my brother asking him for details.

The only way out is through.

[subliminalguy]

I went and saw my mom last night after my brother got back with me. She’d been returned to the hospital due to breathing problems, and I’m grateful I saw her there. She forgets she’s an adult IMO, and has become almost demanding in even small requests. Watching the nurses work with her helped me appreciate the boundaries they use which help them survive around sick and dying people. Watching my mom was not too different than watching a entitled 6 year old in a full classroom seeking attention every 30 seconds. A good teacher would have laid down the rules for all respectively and reminded them regularly until it was obvious they knew.

Now that I think of it, I have had no boundaries with her. I stated that in a post earlier. And that’s why this bothers me. She’s an adult, but when every request is given to her, it seems she requests more, like she’s scared and desperate she won’t get anything the next time she asks. And this is how it goes.

I’m home currently.

Wow. Just realized something. I’m trying to complain myself out of helping my mom. Like someone would say “yeah, don’t go see her”. Which is what I’ve done a lot of my life–seeking someone to be my big brother, so they’d take over and tell me what to do. That’s not gonna happen, and if someone did, I’d run from them.

I am an adult. I feel good taking responsibilities for what is mine, as … I am an adult. I’m not the little kid I once was. Those memories affect me, definitely, but I have choice to do good or bad for myself and others. I will step into those shoes today, for last night the message was confirmed internally: if I give to others, good things will come my way. The inner “feel good” is enough for me.
I’ll go see her.

[subliminalguy]

Still running Total Breakdown day and night. I felt inadequate yesterday, so I chose not to write. Part of me, an old front, would have come and BS’d. What I found very strange but encouraging was though inside I felt inadequate, my mind was willingly considering investment possibilities I’ve known of for a couple of years. It was encouraging since with the same energy the inadequacy was felt, so was the investment planning.

Also, I like how TB is working. Feeling inadequate was not fought by me full-time. I did originally, but a growing sense of acceptance built up in me. I have experiences in many moods and mindsets, but sitting with inadequacy is not one of them. I’ve hidden it most of my life, which takes a lot of work. I also read Saint’s reply in the Kahn discussion thread where he said TB will demolish old constructs and rebuild bigger and better in the same spot (paraphrased). He said TB would demolish the building completely and erect a skyscraper there. Knowing that encouraged me since I’m planning on running TB at least 2 months, if not 3. I’ve often had good experiences when I stuck with a sub at least 3 months. It sticks in me. And I need the full package.

After writing all that and considering it, I feel a bit heavy now emotionally. Total Breakdown is very active.

[subliminalguy]

I’ve been running Total Breakdown back to back, listening on my phone at work and my pc at home. I needed to go to a laundromat, and I decided to turn it off on my phone. I’ll add I was anxious about it, so I got jacked up on 2 cups of coffee before heading out.

A success for me is I wished to speak to this woman there, as I was sitting there reading Kahn threads, but I was very aware of her presence. Barely any attractive (young) women come in, and I looked down at my phone when she was loading up. Ok, her ass was only 10 feet away, and she had to load her stuff. In my face.

The desire is nothing I planned. I’ve truthfully never done an “approach”. It’s sad admitting that, as I’d have to read a PUA book to know “how”, and that’s funny . I’ll talk with women easily, but smooching/gaming/whatever it’s called–I don’t do that or even know how. It’s the truth. What I can honestly say is the feeling of desiring to talk to her was more powerful than the anxiousness. She left for over an hour, and when she returned, she looked stressed and rushed. That was when I considered opening her up. I didn’t. BUT…I think that’s the first time I’ve even considered it with the intention to take it farther. Like I saw myself doing it before this went down. I can make stuff up on the spot to keep a conversation alive, even though I’m an introvert. I take the thought seriously that we may not talk endlessly, but when we speak we usually mean what we say (unless I’m scared). So, I call it a success and a move forward.

On another vein, maybe the coffee had me feeling my nerves. I’m feeling it now. I even poured out half the coffee I’d brought to work yesterday, as I’ve tried to suppress emotions lately. And I’m torn presently since I’ve been clearer about what I’ve been feeling lately, and I’m feeling some sadness over what I’m experiencing. Basically, I must be grieving some since I’m losing some old “safe”, familiar mindset. I am. I listened to a song before leaving for the laundromat, and I began a good cry just listening to the emotions in it. I’m listening to a song now, and began crying.

A fear I’ve had when feeling deep sadness is that people will leave. Some may. Some will not. But that’s root I desire for Kahn to touch. When Saint said the house would be demolished and be replaced with a skyscraper, would it/could it touch that old stuff? To possibly answer my own question, I’ll admit today was the first day I’ve experienced fears of letting old beliefs go. I’d love to go through this, say my goodbyes to it, grieve it, and after doing that fully, head on to new ground. I’ll replant there.

[subliminalguy]

Sitting here, I’m imagining interactions with coworkers and the bosses, like I’m in a trusted position, but my goal is to actually encourage and uplift some in my company, like the guys who never get good rap from others; specifically the bosses. I’ve been doing this this last hour, and it feels good. I’ve felt good all day emotionally.

I didn’t pair it up with Kahn, but maybe it is. Today I was doing something at work I’ve not done in many months, and I began seeing the bosses and leaders as supporting and believing in me. I thought it a pleasurable fantasy most of the day. But the feeling grew throughout the day, and I even received some extra work at the end of the day–I felt like I was being trusted to do it actually. So I was very conscientious about doing it quickly and accurately. I even enjoyed “putting on my show” delivering some new cans (I’m in the trash industry) by being very physical, intentional, and efficient–all with a real smile on my face. I’ve got compliments reported back to the bosses from customers in times past, and I imagined some even taking video or pictures from inside their houses. @Fire, is this normal?

I had a GREAT day!

[subliminalguy]

I’ve truthfully never done an “approach”. It’s sad admitting that, as I’d have to read a PUA book to know “how”, and that’s funny . I’ll talk with women easily, but smooching/gaming/whatever it’s called–I don’t do that or even know how. It’s the truth.

I got home and opened my laptop seeking to hide. I read this post first, and saw something that has more truth behind it.

The reason I feel so insecure around beautiful women is that I feel like I’ve failed already, am not worthy of love or attention, and the sheer terror of them finding out this “truth” has me not even enter the relationship ring. I feel like a failure, and am constantly trying to hide it from myself.

I spent some time today trying to talk to the Indian girl at work, and I had these inner demons creeping up telling me I was failing with this comment, or that comment. This failure feeling (belief) has stuck with me. TB is handling this.

Before entering my place, I thought of asking “does Total Breakdown handle feeling like a failure?” This is what’s stirring in me.

[subliminalguy]

Still feeling the failure pains this morning.

I’m a bit surprized and relieved by what’s happening. First, the coworker who was going to loan me money to pull my Bitcoin today…flaked out. Had a family emergency where the money is needed by them, and he’s thinking my investment may be a fluke now. Manifestation? TB’s whole goal is to blast out old hindrances, fear of failure being one, and this stuff piles up quickly. I said “relieved” since having it hit in bulk seems easier to handle vs. a little here, a little there, or never knowing when it may happen. Bulk doses of failing hit me differently. Makes me be honest about my goals and aspirations. Like:

Do I really WANT this? What is my biggest goal?
Or am I still vying for people’s love and respect?
How important is it?
What do I NEED?

This has happened before so… why? What lesson is being presented again?

Something I just felt while writing that was another poor foundation I’ve stood on again and again. It’s the belief that if I feel helpless I am helpless. That’s a childhood belief noone ever spoke to me about. Some sadness and fear in that memory, but…I CAN change. I CAN choose.

Much of my birth family is very unhappy due to believing we’re helpless/powerless over life. I can’t decide the weather today, but my emotions and outlook…I do have some control over that. I’ll repeat some control, not complete control, since insane thinking and behavior happens when assuming complete control.

Now today, there’s the ultimate responsibility of facing my fearful emotions. Those of failing, and those of feeling powerless. Those are my responsibilities today. I’m first gonna go visit my mom in the hospital today. I’m seeing clearly that running away from things just fills me with dread and me battering myself.

[subliminalguy]

It’s a number of hours later, and I’ve still not left to see my mom. What I’m seeing and noticing more and more is how I say something to look good to myself and others, but it’s just not true. I feel painful feelings just going to see my mom. I just showered and dressed. I’m ready to go. It’s like I’m still seeking an advocate (a brother figure) to go in my place. An old habit, surfacing in the last hour.

I’m just scared of feeling old feelings when around my mom. I sought her validation of my masculinity for years, but had to stop it since it never happened. I’m imagining being near her hospital bed and me feeling young, like less than 10 years old. I also know what I imagine or dread won’t happen at all. It’s all in my head.

Bullshit check. I realize I still have expectations of her. I always have hope she’ll give something. But being in the hospital, she’s been heavily drugged lately, and will be quiet for minutes, then will answer some question or respond to some statement only she was imagining. I feel like a shit expecting such things while she’s on her (possible) deathbed. This is my shit.

How do I do this? (A question for myself really)

I don’t know. I can only move forward to see what’ll happen. I heard somewhere that

expectations = resentments waiting to be born

It’s been true in my experience. Relying on unreliable people are resentments waiting to happen.

[subliminalguy]

I saw my mom. Nothing dramatic happened. Moments before writing here I saw in my mind me being with my mom, but I saw myself feeling and being angry. I’ve not not not labelled my anger or clearly seen it, for I’ve rarely dealt with anger directly, much less felt it. Mind you, I FEEL angry a lot more lately running SC subs, but seeing it…no. An old fear exists where I’ll hurt people if I’m angry.

In my head (moments ago) I was acting out my frustration. I was in my mom’s hospital room, but I felt anger coming directly from fear. I was scared and angry since I’m going mentally into a new place knowing little of how I’ll…hide…in this new environment. Hiding me, the real me, is what I’ve done my entire life, and my feelings are of a young boy, not an adult male. I was acting out, seeking some (parental) attention.

I got a first wind of this when leaving my mom at the hospital. Her nurse was a young latino dude, and he had a helpful sense of humor with my mom. This was a nice approach given the fear of death and dying constantly. I relaxed when he was around since he was comfortably personal with my mom, and she was rather happy in his presence. She’d prefer a good laugh too vs. pain and suffering.

When I left her room, he was sitting with a female nurse just outside. He asked if I was leaving, I said yes, and he made some funny comment about something. I noticed me dodging eye contact with him, for my anger and pain was coming out, and I sought to be alone. I feared throwing it at someone sideways. So I left quickly.

Total Breakdown seems to be steadily moving. I had it running on my phone all while with my mom, and I keep it running 24/7 on my PC, even leaving it on while I’m away from home.

Now, here’s a positive effect of TB. I went shopping at the dollar store right after leaving. Some beautiful young Haitian or Jamaican woman with her momma was shopping. I noticed her backside. And coincidentally, I was in line right after them. I believe I heard her say “so, you made it!” but I was still feeling the slightly buried anger I’d felt 20 minutes before at the hospital, so I didn’t reply. I was just quiet. I noticed them even checking my stuff I’d picked up. The mom must have noticed my eggs, as after they’d paid, she slid out of line, coming back with 2 dozen eggs right behind me. I was quite aware of the slight sexual tension amidst all this. I even thought of @amash’s day of looking and feeling pudgy in public, but girls were approaching him. I felt good remembering that, despite feeling such powerful emotions. Like I could be desirable even with powerful and potentially dangerous emotions brewing inside me.

I then went next door to KFC to get some dinner, which isn’t something I normally ever do. A young cute teen served me, and like I planned, I stayed to eat. I’d imagined beforehand I’d hide there too in a back table, but for some strange reason, I sat facing the counter, feeling like I owned the place. Other female cashiers served customers too, noticing me. It made me feel more confident, so I didn’t rush. I felt powerful. (And my original thoughts had been “I’m gonna hide”. ???)

I then came home, put my groceries away, cleaned up my bathroom, and finally did some work on my scooter since it’'s been down for weeks. Something was pushing me to finish up things I’d started, and the things I did have been on my mind all week.

TB is very active in my thinking. And just like with Ascension and Emperor, the effects show clearly when I get out and interact with people. They are my “mirrors”, showing me what I’m actually putting out. This makes TB is a very desirable sub to run.

[subliminalguy]

I had a long day today. Some stuff (good stuff) is still going, but I’m tired. The 3-4 cups of coffee this morning are winding down, plus I just ate a good meal.

I must be tired. Emotionally mostly, which affects my physical energy and mood.

I visited my mom again today since she was scheduled to go into a physical rehab center today. I remember having this slight sadness underneath; it never came out since my energy was lower.

I did have a good time with my mom, and I found out something. Like it was a rebirth moment. Yesterday and in days past I’ve whined about my “needy” mom, constantly asking for little things, foods, drinks, constantly. It had given me the want to NOT go and see her.

Something clicked last night when I left the hospital. My mom, who’s normally in full control of her environment, is completely bed-laiden and dependent on anyone and everyone else to do even the small things, even using the bathroom. This is a major loss of control. I realized those constant, annoying requests for ice, ice cream, napkins, changing TV channels, anything at all…were attempts to have some control again. I admitted this to her nurse today, that I’d complained about it yesterday, and she quickly said that my mom’s little demands are evidence that she’s still got desire to live. She said when someone becomes compliant is when she is concerned; they’re either really ill, or they’re giving up the fight to go on.

I’m seeing something.

I’m using Kahn, and I have felt guilty (originally) by communicating regularly, sharing stuff that really affected me. Maybe… I really want a piece of life, to live in my full potential and ability. I do. At this moment, I’d say this is the ONLY reason I really use subliminals. To beat past the bullshit of life’s losses, which were mostly imagined losses after the first. I’ve given up sooooo damn much in my life, and this is wrong, by my own desires. Me giving up was my only way I knew to find a known outcome. When failure is beating at your door daily, shame and fear make as much noise, encouraging hiding under the covers of life, be it at work, or in shallow relationships, and living in regret daily.

I’ve given up a LOT in my life. What do I want? I don’t need or want much. What I DO want is to not feel like shit about myself each and every day. THAT’s why I write so much. I’m walking into change, which scares the shit out of me sometimes, but who GAF? This is my hell I’m walking out of. I was the one who created it, and though I’ve been drawn back to it many times, Kahn is one subliminal which is changing me clearly and deeply.

It was scary admitting this to myself. Spilled some tears. Some fears still stand after writing that, and so they stand. I’m still running Kahn.

[subliminalguy]

I’ve felt so scared of airing my truths so long that I wrestled with deleting last night’s post many times. I felt I was just spilling out stuff to hear my own voice. I wondered if my thoughts were all accurate, feeling shame. Kahn is a catalyst of change. It feels good hearing my own voice. The truth is I’ve not validated myself regularly lately. I’ve been relying on others… but I tend to adapt to my imagined audience easily, which makes me question myself.

Being dishonest does not raise my confidence. So I came back here. I’m trying to be honest with myself. (Why am I afraid to be honest with myself? It takes courage. And vulnerability…ahhhh…fear of being vulnerable)

[AMASH]

I must be tired. Emotionally mostly, which affects my physical energy and mood.

I feel the same. Exactly the same.

[RockyHandsome]

I feel the same way i am suffering from mood swings. I don’t feel lethargic just tired.

[subliminalguy]

Thanks for commenting on my thread Amash and Blackadder. Your timing is wonderful.

I have big stuff to share. Here goes.

Total Breakdown opened up an old wound of mine, and I’ve tried to hide it ever since it happened. I’ve shared how my brother, who was my closest friend and leader to me (my mom never dated) moved out when I was (I think) 12.

Well, his last moments with me I’ve blotted out of my memory, but obviously not completely. He attempted to rape me. I’ve had no conscious memories of the event, but even sitting here, I remember the sheet design on the bed. And these images popped up years back while doing therapy work on it. Even therapy I began to view as a place I feel terrible in. I’ve not been since 2011.

TB has been slowly surfacing feelings from that day. My first reaction was a familiar terror. I felt scared and uniquely vulnerable this morning, before and at work. I had fears someone would discover my truth with all its shame, and I’d be avoided completely.

I had no tears connected to this all day, and sometime in the middle of this I realized how connected this event is to every moment of feeling less competent, less able, and even undesirable. For example, I’ve not pursued better jobs within my company since…I have fears of someone seeing the truth I am hiding constantly. So me doing my job, attracting little attention, is “safest”. It is the exact same with pursuing women. I only get so close. Most of the time I leave since those fears come up powerfully. It’s all connected.

I felt encouraged today though too. TB is pushing me to face my fears, and this is a BIG one. Tears spilled while writing that. I’ve spent my entire life hiding. I am an introvert, yes, but me being alone mostly in my spare time is connected to this. Dating? Nah. Approaching? God, not now. And writing that allowed me to see some ugly beliefs I have of who I am.

I’m all feelings right now. I checked out my VirtualEMDR account this morning, I’d planned on letting it lapse on the 31st, but for mental sanity, I’ll renew it again. I’d done EMDR with therapists in years past, and it’ll go right to the heart of the problem quickly. I don’t think I can heal alone, but doing some EMDR by myself is a Godsend under lots of emotional stress. I feel like my mind’s connected more to reality after. I feel better able to handle life.

And I felt this memory coming up yesterday while home. I’d given someone struggling with similar issues a link to a site for male sexual abuse survivors, for I hung out there for 3-4 years. Having even one person say “no, you’re not alone” is a relief. I posted something in the site’s forum yesterday, a first in years, and will write again tonight.

I’m scared, and I’m seeking kindness. But what I need I can only find in me, if I’m ready to see it. I need to be kinder to myself. I’ve blamed myself harshly for this event. I’ve even disconnected from a lot of my own emotions, for it’s sadness, fear, …(words don’t work for strong emotions well)

Scared. Sad. Sad mostly.

Thanks.

[subliminalguy]

I felt sad while writing. I’ve had fears of being rejected.

But I came back since I remembered how excited I am to have a tool (Kahn) which will push me through my deepest fears since this is one of my biggest ones. That’s reason to celebrate!

[subliminalguy]

I’ve had some desire since yesterday, and it’ll affect everything as it grows. That desire is to not hide. It’s a courageous drive when I think of it.

And wow. Even while writing that, old tapes in my head made me anxious. Fear and anger surfaced.

…But I’m a bit excited

[subliminalguy]

Courage has been building in me. I’d considered a waiting bitcoin payout dead since one guy flaked on me last weekend. But one of the guys I play Cashflow with every weekend showed up Monday at my work to service his vending machines, we spoke about my mom (I’d missed our meeting due to being with her), and right before he left, I asked him if he had access to money so I could withdraw. I didn’t expect his “Yes”, so I was thrilled. My payback to him is 150% ROI.

I’d contacted him today to check, and he’s got access to 2/3 of my fee payment. I almost have the last 1/3 myself, so this door is open again. I’d told him all bout this these last few months, so he’s no stranger to bitcoin. And all I did was ask.

Since my mind was so active in money moves, I added one loop of Mogul v.2 to two loops of TB. I’m considering EoG since it’ll have an equivalent Total Breakdown for money issues and traumas, and I could so use that! Freeing myself from money blocks would be icing on the cake.

And I’m only following Saint’s lead since he’s mentioned he’ll be using both. But…I think he’ll be using one at a time, back and forth, not looping together. Will check.

I also just remembered Stage 2, 3, and 4 of Kahn have a heavy money focus. Hmmm. I’m ok for now.

[subliminalguy]

Connections to music. First, I began playing trumpet (cornet actually) in 7th grade, somewhere about the same time as my incident with my brother. I hid in music. I actually got so good at it that I was asked to be in the Honor Band, which first year players never got in. But I played at home every day. I switched to the French Horn the next year since I was asked by my band director. I played through 10th grade. And I played for a scholarship while in college.

But I grew up in the 80’s. Big hair rock music. Chicago. Boston. Michael Jackson. Kansas. Journey. I began playing electric guitar in high school and had some fantasies of escaping like I thought they did. As music got harder in style, I picked up that the lifestyle had a lot of drawbacks. Like constant road shows. And my constant self doubting and self sabotage held me from doing more. I shelved it.

Sitting here I realized I’m still having this fantasy just like I did then. Like I want to be them. There’s the crux of the matter. Like if I could play, perform, achieve…then I’d be happy. But…why am I running? A mental flashback of being 17, and … I just wanted out and fantasized using my talent to be loved since love wasn’t found at home. It’s why I tried going to the Navy. To get out.

I’m feeling old things I’ve not felt in a while. Listening to a YT video of 80’s rock music. Has me melancholy. I know…it’s pointing back to why I hid originally. Well, my feelings say that.