It was Saint, actually, in my Ascension journal:
2 Likes
Kind of relaxed this morning. I woke up with this feeling like I wanted to push through some sadness coming up, like I feel a good cry brewing. I did/didnāt/did/didnāt want to too, and I felt this in seconds. When I ran ST1 the first time, I never had this waking up, but ā¦ just remembered something.
Iām listening to spiritual songs presently, for the mood. I remember doing a delivery run at work during my first run, and I turned on a local spiritual station, and I began crying. It was memorable since I cry easily, but I felt completely ok being loud crying. I knew something was shifting in me. A courage previously unknown.
Some have said ST1 was rough and undesirable. I never felt this way. Iāve lived with so many internal restrictions controlling me, and freedom was felt, and is felt and desired now. Sadness wasnāt and isnāt hard when it meant letting go of some old chains in my life.
Iām ready to let go of something now.
1 Like
Something Iām seeing now, yesterday too, are my contradictions. I say you shouldnāt do somethingā¦but I do it myself. I thought of one with my daughter yesterday, and it stopped my whole imagined conversation with her, for I realized I was guilty of the things I was correcting her in.
Iām seeing this presently.
2 Likes
Iāll share a doubt Iām having.
Iāve had my phone in my pocket all day looping Kahn TB, Regeneration, and GM. Midday I decided to run only TB alone since Iād somehow hit a button to repeat only Regeneration. It looped for maybe an hour, maybe more, but it took away the push I experience on Total Breakdown alone.
What greatly energized me and pushed me in my first run of Kahn when it came out was running TB all by itself. I felt insecure at times, and that was because I was challenging old beliefs and feelings Iād called āgoodā in my life. No major emotional crisis hit me, and I resumed TB a while longer than 30 days. Something felt good in this deprogramming.
I just got home, turned on my playlist, but chose to turn on Regeneration first. I did this less than 3 minutes, and I began writing here. Within seconds of writing, I realized I sought out TB, so I put it on, and am looping it alone.
My doubt is wondering if Iām interfering with TBās progress while adding Regeneration.
F***. I only added Regeneration so I wouldnāt face all the emotional challenging inherent in TB. TB hit me steadily and consistently in my first run, and I chose to trust it. Either Saint or Fire wrote that TB would challenge old beliefs which weād been holding onto for ages; we saw them as old āfriendsā. And letting go of them would not be easy. Weād be saying goodbye to it.
Fuck it. Iām going to loop TB alone tonight, and possibly tomorrow, and indefinitelyā¦ I choose to go through this. I did it before.
As far as experiences today, I had this feeling flash through me while riding through neighborhoods this afternoon for work. Iād seen numerous women throughout the day, but later in the afternoon, I had this daydream where I was feeling very assertive and comfortable speaking with desire towards women. Iāve never done this so easily, nor so sensually, and thatās what went through my mind. I was expressing my desire and want to be with a woman. It excited me, for Iāve usually identified myself as fearful around women. Time and time again, Iāve unqualified myself for such a spot, like quickly and clearly. This feeling was really exciting for me since it speaks of things yet to come on later stages! 
1 Like
Facing my first choices of thinking ādo I want to go back to old ways?ā, and itās not attractive. Like old ways of āsettlingā, or passively accepting old fears.
Specifically, it rose when I began writing this post. I could whine, manipulate (lie) to receive attention.
Or I could be honest. I looped TB all night, and I woke up with a slight resistance to this change. Feeling sorry for myself, an old coping strategy which surfaced quickly, borders on feeling powerless, and this angers me. Just realized Iāve been afraid of my anger, for anger was heavily shamed growing up. Iāve stuffed it thousands of times in my life. GRRRRRRRRR. The one authority, while drunk, would angrily shame us for opposing a sloppy decision that affected us.
I grew up afraid to oppose her. I equated it with her abandoning me. And Iāve abandoned myself thousands of times instead when anger rose.
Iām facing this. Iām believing old lies, and they cause pain and thus, more anger. Ironic.
1 Like
I donāt think so, ST1 re-evaluates, Regeneration brings up and heals. Thereās no real harm in running both.
1 Like
I went to a friendās house tonight for a Christmas ritual me and 2 others have. Itās only choosing a Christmas movie and watching it, but I actually instigated this. Saturday I texted one of them asking if theyād done it already, he replied no, and he quickly set it up.
I also asked one about his Christmas plans since his normal plans were canceled (his aunt was hospitalized), and he said heās not made any, but tomorrow heās going to an evening 12 step meeting, then going to the local Alcothon, a 24 hour schedule of back to back AA meetings to allow people to socialize and feel less tempted during the holidays. I chose to be alone on Thanksgiving, but I did not want to do that again. I committed to joining him tomorrow to get a few meetings in. My motive is to be around people, but also to assess how Iāve changed. I spent nearly 20 years in various 12 step programs, but have not gone regularly for 2 years nowāafter a subliminal showed me my motives.
Change update. After feeling discouraged and slightly desperate Sunday, I began reading Kahn journals. I read about Godlike Masculinityās effects, and I downloaded it on my phone. I got results instantly, and I felt less needy. I was doing laundry at a laundromat, and I got instant respect from a man there, which caught my attention. Iāve kept in my stack, and I pulled Regeneration off. Looping ST1 and GM alone.
When I began playing GM at the laundromat, I began wondering how often Iāve looked for emotional healing or support when what I really needed was to believe and know I was adequate as a man. Iād say a lot of damage came from having no father around along with a mother who always spoke ill of him. I realize I blamed myself, feeling unlovable and not desired. ST1 may be digging in this too, as Iām questioning a lot of things in my life.
Iām actually seeing the value in ST1, seeing my whole foundation as not that useful in (all) areas of life. ST1 is dismantling it consistently. Thank you Saint and Fire.
2 Likes
Saint replied that we all have a model of masculinity within us, despite not having a father role model around. Mine was around, but he wasnāt the most helpful.
Godlike Masculinity sounds good.
2 Likes
Iāve remembered reading that, and I have seen some really impressive role models in my life.
I began writing something, and I felt uncomfortable in it. The victim mentality, which I identified with for many years, DOES NOT FEEL OKAY anymore. Iād actually initially put on GM for that reason Sunday since Saint had suggested using it along with Ascension and Rebirth to rewire victim thinking. That was in my Ascension days. It worked in the moment Sunday, and I intend to change my thinking, replacing it with something more positive, more assertive. I am making this change.
2 Likes
Kahn ST1 Day 10
I have 2 good things to report thus far today.
First, I worked with a regular driver who Iāve enjoyed since heās very entertaining and social. Heās a black man a little older then myself, and his life experiences are much different from my own. For example, I said honestly on our way home (talking about women) āIām pretty cluelessā, and he laughed, him telling me heās tried counting how many women heās had sex with and lost count just as many times. He said he was a whore during his years in the service overseas.
Well, earlier this morning, we were both quiet. I was thinking we were both moody and he was judging me for no apparent reason, though I was avoiding dealing with this initially. Maybe 45 minutes later, I finally began making some effort to see what was happening in me. I just knew when Iāve avoided dealing with my own emotions, I can āthrow upā on someone around me, usually someone who was in no way responsible.
When I took the effort to look at my thinking and mood, I saw I was blaming himāfor my bad mood. However, while doing this I was a little detached from it, and I took responsibility for it. Something changed in my thinking right there, and all the poor thinking and anger disappeared. I saw I was being a victimāand seeing this gave me power to change it. I did. My shitty thinking disappeared, never returning all day.
My 2nd positive happened in the last 2 hours. I got home from work at 3, and have lied here resting. But with mixed feelings about it, I put on Emperor4. Iām a little nervous about being around many strangers tonight, and Iāve been moodwise somewhere between tired and defensive. Tired mostlyātoo much coffee today. I thought Emperor would āwake me upā moodwise. I noticed about 20 minutes ago thatā¦I wished to return to the Kahn mindset, for strangely enough, it makes sense to me internally. Like I was given a signal that itās working for me. So I turned off Emperor and resumed Kahn ST1 and GM.
What Iām reporting is that ST1 is growing on me. Itās not all black and white, hot or cold. Itās working on stuff deeper, and it just feels better running it. This feels good taking responsibility for myself here. Small victories count 
2 Likes
The way weāre taught to look outside for our problems is so pervasive itās disempowering - and it sells for big bucks. So itās not surprising is in all of us. Turning it round is a lifetime job sadly.
1 Like
I know it was modeled to me directly by my mom, and sheās gone now. Iāll take the lifetime job of addressing it in me though. Doing the oppositeā¦is what Iāve been doing, not enjoying the journey.
Other people are not responsible for the choices I make. I am. Knowing that is empowering.
2 Likes
After reading Michelās writings last night about Regeneration (different threads), I chose to loop Regeneration solo all night. Shame and guilt are old standards in my life, Iād been around people last night who reminded me of old passive ways, and I didnāt want to accept that. My emotional eyes were wide open, so I put on Regeneration to sleep to. I woke up with a slight desire to stay in bed, did so, but itās not lingering still.
I came to write here since I felt good realizing where I am financially, though Iāve been squelching it emotionally lately. Iāve made some mistakes this past year, learned I was being cheated by one person, but am presently working with a good guy whoās hooked me up with a nice additional income stream in addition to powerful mining capabilities (bitcoin ming). I felt relaxed this morning knowing in the next couple of months, Iāll have a choice whether to sleep in or not. Subliminals opened up this door for me, and I am SO grateful.
Concerning subliminals, Iāve been desiring to add QL to my Kahn stack. I heard it may allow quicker processing of Kahnās (or any SC subās) messages, and Iām desiring that. Iāve not jumped yet, mostly due to funds, but also due to knowing it might be heavy initially running 2 stacks. But Iāve had thoughts lately of āwhat am I really good at?ā, and learning is definitely one for me. I enjoy acquring information and linking it with other data where it formerly seemed unrelated. I did this with nutrition in years past, and my focus has drifted more into businesses. Some of the most successful companies have a very attractive āwhy?ā in their mission statements. Iām also seeking my own āwhy?ā, so my brain is stirring.
QL will come. ā¦ As I wrote that, I thought of leaning on Regeneration more, but remembered QL focuses on limiting beliefs and trauma clearing. Hmmmā¦
Merry Chistmas everybody!!
2 Likes
Regeneration kicking up stuff? Yes.
I ran Regeneration by itself all night last night, until maybe 8 or 9AM. I called my daughter around then but left a voicemail. Replied to my ex an hour later (forgot to respond, actually).
Midday, still no word or text from my daughter, and I began getting mad. I texted her asking if she was busy. No reply. Anger building more. I texted my ex, saying my daughter was ignoring me again, but said clearly for her not to force her to call me.
I knew a deeper truth existed in me, and Iāve skirted around it. Years back, when I was still married, Iād formed an emotional bond with my daughter that I relied on much more than anything my wife provided. In truth, I depended on my daughter unhealthily, meaning I expected her to fill some part of me. Itās just not damn fair nor healthy, Iād realized it maybe 5 years back, and Iād thought Iād gotten past it practicing actively loving her intentionally. Iād not seen or felt it much in the last 2 years.
But no. The anger today was linked to a fear of abandonment, and it pointed out my expectations of my daughter, things causing pain. Expectations of anyone are premeditated resentments, and this was festering.
I took a walk and considered what I was feeling and thinking on Kahn and Regeneration lately. Kahn has been much more dominant, though Iāve been very hesitant about getting assertive with my daughter. I remembered Dimitry telling Michel that maybe shame and guilt still lay in him, discounting his assertiveness. He advised Regeneration to remove this, and Michel has done very well on both.
Since this is still fresh, Iām looping Regeneration along with GM (it promotes action), and Iām doing that now. Iāve looped Kahn, Regen, and GM all day, but Iām needing some focus work now.
1 Like
The missed text thing is definitely abandonment issues. Oh boy, I had a very close friend who Iāve chatted on and off who has completely stopped replying to my texts. This cause me some anxiety.
Then I realised that if she no longer wants to be in my life, I would accept it and move on. Tough as hell but itās the only sane way of looking at it.
1 Like
Thanks @Michel. Yeah, thatās been there a long time. I remember a root memory associated with it. Change might happen with this. Yeah, Iām hopeful.
Just woke up 10 minutes ago, and I feel better than yesterday, even hopeful. Hereās why, and Iāll explain by comparing.
When Iāve written in times past, Iāve put that same expectation on others hereā¦and Iāve always felt slimy, dishonest, even downright manipulative. Iāve played the victim many times, practicing old family examples. It was my momās main tool for getting her needs filled. And I learned to deny my anger at her over time. I ignored my own self-disgust with it too. What itās felt like is that I was stealing. I knew I was doing something wrong, for me. I felt shady and untrustworthy. And lies begat more lies.
I woke up this morning, knowing this was on my mind. Butā¦Iām wowwed saying thisāwhat I was aware of was my own contempt of it. My mind would not rest with me calmly accepting it It was rejecting it flat out, And thisā¦this feels good. I feel stronger. Something is shifting.
Iāll accept that. Iāve continuously had doubts (fears maybe) about Regenerationās abilities. Yeah, they were fears. Itās been a classic fear of dying, of thinking Iād be hopeless without some ill strategy to worm myself through life.
Iām feeling kind of proud right now. Wow.
2 Likes
Iām going to report 2 things today.
First, Iāve felt driven to soak up ST1 more while at work today. Like Iām craving it. So Iāve been looping ST1 solo all day.
Second, Iāve been more and more intolerant of identifying myself as a victim. My journaling has decreased lately, and itās transitioning to where I do not want to write and have to question myself.
Iām getting to the point where Iām like āfuck it!ā Iāll stick with ST1 as long as is needed. This is the breaking away from old āfriendsā @SaintSovereign spoke of in the Khan discussion thread. Iām going to win. I am winning.
I DONāT like it. Iām allowing and encouraging this change.
1 Like
What changes where I stop guys from making digs at me, and I choose to be nice to myself vs. being nice to them?
A long question, but itās on my mind.
I was working with 2 guys today, and I noticed I continuously dodged being honest with myself. I was allowing them to make me a focus of jabs and putdowns, and instead of standing up for myself, I kept laughing at the jokes. It slowly sunk in an hour later, when the jabs hadnāt stopped, that I began being disappointed in myself. I quieted and began being non-responsive.
Iām just thinking out loud here, hoping to find some truth. I wasnāt feeling sorry for myself. I was just hanging on to some belief that as long as I didnāt get mad, the attention wouldnāt stopā¦ So, I was allowing it for the attention. Otherās attention. What caught my attention was that the older one, a very street-wise man, showed he was losing respect for me in that last half hour. That honesty from him began getting past my shield I had up, which is also why I quieted down.
I got off work an hour later, feeling a desire to know why I was allowing and encouraging it. Iād had ST1 on in my pocket all dayābut I was and am tired. Tiredness kept my focus off of deep emotional happenings in me.
Iāve been sitting an hour now at home, and some connections are showing. This day with these guys felt similar to hanging out with my real brothers when young. One older brother was quick and rash in interactions, though he (tried) controlling me and my other brother. He wasnāt easy to hang with due to him trying to control everything. He left us as soon as he could leave the house, moving 200 miles away. The other brother was one I leaned on and expected TOO much from, looking back now. I treated him like I have been treating the younger coworker lately: me disowning my anger and values to maintain a relationship, me taking any scraps offered. My old thinking patterns were in place today, which were an awareness that he (the younger coworker) may go anytime himself, so fearing abandonment, I was a pushover all day.
When I got in my van to go home, I turned on Emp4, hoping to find and feel my identity again. l turned it off after 20 minutes, feeling something underneath. And it wasnāt anger, nor was it self-pity.
It was knowing I was reasonably challenged today. My focus now is to allow what Iām feeling and to consider what they represent. Some things I canāt changeābut some things I can. I turned ST1 back on, and am running it now.
I imagined me standing up to the older man. But that fear of abandonment is still felt, and the imagined scenario dissipated quickly.
I tried listening to ST1 to sleep to last night, but was awake at midnight. Maybe an hour later, still wide awake, I switched to Regeneration, and finally slept. Tired as fuck now, so will sleep with Regeneration tonight. Iāve used Regen the last 3 nights to sleep to.
Iām realizing weaknesses in my plans to make things easy for meāand I am not wishing to react to myself or others in anger. Iām doing this. I allowed this today. Maybe some root fears of abandonment need to move, but I donāt care. Iām just desiring to be nice to myself tonight and tomorrow. Will rest and write tomorrow. This day taught me somethingāand I feel some sadness underneath. Will sleep on it.
2 Likes
I listened to Regeneration all night, and just put on ST1, looping it solo.
Fuck it. I thought Iād write a lot this morning. Thatās powerless thinkingāfrom my experience. Iām getting up, showering, and heading out to do what I usually avoid on the weekends, chores like laundry and shopping. WT?
Out of here.
2 Likes
@SaintSovereign, I just read the question from the user who is afraid of having sex. Iām on Kahn, a sexual sub, and Iām on ST1, roughly 2 weeks in. Does ST1 focus on any sexual hangups?
I ask since Iāve been running Regeneration at night, I began using it regularly this week, and my sexual desire has increased. My money fears have been challenged too, but one thing at a time for this posting.
Does ST1 challenge oneās sexual hangups or limiting beliefs?
2 Likes