Kahn Journal: New possiblities

Journals - Major Programs
#77

Thanks @Michel. Yeah, that’s been there a long time. I remember a root memory associated with it. Change might happen with this. Yeah, I’m hopeful.

Just woke up 10 minutes ago, and I feel better than yesterday, even hopeful. Here’s why, and I’ll explain by comparing.

When I’ve written in times past, I’ve put that same expectation on others here…and I’ve always felt slimy, dishonest, even downright manipulative. I’ve played the victim many times, practicing old family examples. It was my mom’s main tool for getting her needs filled. And I learned to deny my anger at her over time. I ignored my own self-disgust with it too. What it’s felt like is that I was stealing. I knew I was doing something wrong, for me. I felt shady and untrustworthy. And lies begat more lies.

I woke up this morning, knowing this was on my mind. But…I’m wowwed saying this–what I was aware of was my own contempt of it. My mind would not rest with me calmly accepting it It was rejecting it flat out, And this…this feels good. I feel stronger. Something is shifting.

I’ll accept that. I’ve continuously had doubts (fears maybe) about Regeneration’s abilities. Yeah, they were fears. It’s been a classic fear of dying, of thinking I’d be hopeless without some ill strategy to worm myself through life.

I’m feeling kind of proud right now. Wow.

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#78

I’m going to report 2 things today.

First, I’ve felt driven to soak up ST1 more while at work today. Like I’m craving it. So I’ve been looping ST1 solo all day.

Second, I’ve been more and more intolerant of identifying myself as a victim. My journaling has decreased lately, and it’s transitioning to where I do not want to write and have to question myself.

I’m getting to the point where I’m like “fuck it!” I’ll stick with ST1 as long as is needed. This is the breaking away from old “friends” @SaintSovereign spoke of in the Khan discussion thread. I’m going to win. I am winning.

I DON’T like it. I’m allowing and encouraging this change.

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Becoming the KHAN
#79

What changes where I stop guys from making digs at me, and I choose to be nice to myself vs. being nice to them?

A long question, but it’s on my mind.

I was working with 2 guys today, and I noticed I continuously dodged being honest with myself. I was allowing them to make me a focus of jabs and putdowns, and instead of standing up for myself, I kept laughing at the jokes. It slowly sunk in an hour later, when the jabs hadn’t stopped, that I began being disappointed in myself. I quieted and began being non-responsive.

I’m just thinking out loud here, hoping to find some truth. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. I was just hanging on to some belief that as long as I didn’t get mad, the attention wouldn’t stop… So, I was allowing it for the attention. Other’s attention. What caught my attention was that the older one, a very street-wise man, showed he was losing respect for me in that last half hour. That honesty from him began getting past my shield I had up, which is also why I quieted down.

I got off work an hour later, feeling a desire to know why I was allowing and encouraging it. I’d had ST1 on in my pocket all day–but I was and am tired. Tiredness kept my focus off of deep emotional happenings in me.

I’ve been sitting an hour now at home, and some connections are showing. This day with these guys felt similar to hanging out with my real brothers when young. One older brother was quick and rash in interactions, though he (tried) controlling me and my other brother. He wasn’t easy to hang with due to him trying to control everything. He left us as soon as he could leave the house, moving 200 miles away. The other brother was one I leaned on and expected TOO much from, looking back now. I treated him like I have been treating the younger coworker lately: me disowning my anger and values to maintain a relationship, me taking any scraps offered. My old thinking patterns were in place today, which were an awareness that he (the younger coworker) may go anytime himself, so fearing abandonment, I was a pushover all day.

When I got in my van to go home, I turned on Emp4, hoping to find and feel my identity again. l turned it off after 20 minutes, feeling something underneath. And it wasn’t anger, nor was it self-pity.
It was knowing I was reasonably challenged today. My focus now is to allow what I’m feeling and to consider what they represent. Some things I can’t change–but some things I can. I turned ST1 back on, and am running it now.

I imagined me standing up to the older man. But that fear of abandonment is still felt, and the imagined scenario dissipated quickly.

I tried listening to ST1 to sleep to last night, but was awake at midnight. Maybe an hour later, still wide awake, I switched to Regeneration, and finally slept. Tired as fuck now, so will sleep with Regeneration tonight. I’ve used Regen the last 3 nights to sleep to.

I’m realizing weaknesses in my plans to make things easy for me–and I am not wishing to react to myself or others in anger. I’m doing this. I allowed this today. Maybe some root fears of abandonment need to move, but I don’t care. I’m just desiring to be nice to myself tonight and tomorrow. Will rest and write tomorrow. This day taught me something–and I feel some sadness underneath. Will sleep on it.

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#80

I listened to Regeneration all night, and just put on ST1, looping it solo.

Fuck it. I thought I’d write a lot this morning. That’s powerless thinking–from my experience. I’m getting up, showering, and heading out to do what I usually avoid on the weekends, chores like laundry and shopping. WT?

Out of here.

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#81

@SaintSovereign, I just read the question from the user who is afraid of having sex. I’m on Kahn, a sexual sub, and I’m on ST1, roughly 2 weeks in. Does ST1 focus on any sexual hangups?

I ask since I’ve been running Regeneration at night, I began using it regularly this week, and my sexual desire has increased. My money fears have been challenged too, but one thing at a time for this posting.

Does ST1 challenge one’s sexual hangups or limiting beliefs?

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#82

I had some dreams last night. One sticks with me since it revealed that either Regeneration or ST1 is working, and it is a relief, as I haven’t remembered dreams regularly almost my whole adult life.

This one was me in an obviously fearful situation, though I wasn’t locked up in fear. I remember connecting normal sexual fears (like “I should be afraid!”), and I slowly awoke, feeling surprised. I’ll credit Regeneration with this since I was sleeping with it looping.

I’ve been running Regen while sleeping since ST1 has been keeping me awake. Regen has allowed good sleep. ST2 says it’ll affect sleep too, so I might run it to sleep to comfortably when I begin it.

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#83

For certain that is Regeneration. ST1 felt more like the rug being pulled from your feet.

If co-workers are laughing at your expense, don’t laugh. It’s not funny.

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#84

Thank you @Michel. I read your reply while at work.

I’m anxious writing here, for I’m wishing to be vulnerable and honest. I’ve been holding back a bit these last 2 weeks.

I had Kahn running on my phone until lunch. Reconciliation surfaced, and I turned on Regeneration, using it alone all afternoon. I’m running it now, and I feel like it’s digging deeper. My thoughts in this last hour have been searching for some roots, a direction in my life, and a “why” for my listening. I realized I still feel very immature emotionally.

I allowed this thought process wondering if “I” am trying to get my own attention. I’ve sought attention here, me “performing” a lot for attention, and dammit, I’m hurting myself. I’ve placed everyone else’s standards higher than my own, mostly since I’ve been ashamed of myself and who I’ve thought I (am). I’ve not believed in myself, and have constantly sought out people who did. Pain and shame go with those beliefs.

Pain and shame come with me still seeking some brother figure in my life to say “good job!” (I’m 48), me not dating or even seeking a relationship with any woman (fearing more performing–or lying), and me seeing those present norms, seeing men’s reactions to my “not living”, and feeling low because of all that.

I wondered if Ascension and Regeneration would be a better fit. I also doubted myself, imagining men correcting me in this wondering. I just knew it’d be more focused on some key goals of mine.

What do I want? I want a strong foundation. I want roots that stay down even when the shit hits the fan. I want relationships where I’m not some needy parasite seeking validation and esteem from anyone and everyone. I want to be real and accepted. I may be immature emotionally, but gdammit, this is where I am right now!!!

A movie popped up in my mind which I watched 4 months back or so. A woman ran a nice little coffee shop which she’d opened many years back. She questioned why she let her fiance go, a very successful man in big real estate. He returned into her life, he was sweet to her–but why she left him clicked one night. She said “he didn’t love me for who I am. He fell in love with who he thought I may be someday”

I feel I’m doing that to myself. I’m not loving me, the vulnerable, curious person who I am. I keep trying to be “more, better, and … enough”. The irony in that searching is…it’s never enough.

I read your posting today Michel, and you pointed out the irony of not finding what you sought when you were seeking them. When you didn’t care so much about them, they popped up everywhere. I’ve been too vested in seeking masculinity, confidence, and even relationships, male and female. I’m seeing those things–but I often sabotage some good things, mostly due to fear.

I may be just feeling some fear. But I’m seeking some input and clarity.

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#85

@subliminalguy have you done any reading on stoic philosophy? It helped me back when I was going through a tough period, I can’t recommend it enough.

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#86

No @bujin. I’ve never read on it specifically. How were you before following this, and how did it change your course?

#87

There were two major periods of adversity early in my life that pushed me to the edge. The weight of my misfortune weighed on me like a mountain, and I thought my suffering would crush me.

At least that’s how I thought at the time. I was a miserable fuck.

Stoic philosophy showed me that adversity is a state of mind, that suffering is a choice, and that misfortune is an excuse.

You don’t need to escape the pain, you only need to stop resisting it.

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#88

I’m running Regeneration now, I relaxed, and suddenly I felt good. I’ve read of other’s experiences with going through a rough patch and feeling awesome on the other side. I’m infinitely grateful for this.

I spent years in counseling rooms during my 20’s, and relief was often offered as something “just around the corner”. Relief, although awesome, required immense amounts of energy and focus. The snag in the idea was (I’m smiling now) that I equated such relief with intense struggle and suffering. Why the hell would I want to do that? I sabotaged success regularly. It was an ugly cycle, to put it mildly.

However, hope kept me going. It kept my eyes open.

I’m grateful for subliminals. I can go through a rough spot, and as I’m seeing, relief IS felt sooner rather than later. Not someday, like a year from now. Much sooner. This is a godsend.

Let’s see how today goes. Feeling some sadness underneath. A release is imminent.

#89

Yeah. I’m finding that. My misunderstanding has been “I’m in pain now, and I’ll probably be in pain forever”. All or nothing thinking. This thinking keeps me in a pit.

The little victories matter. Today, I’ll look for some :slight_smile:

#90

Read your last post and unusually felt every word, which isn’t like me at all.
Performing for the “camera” is debilitating, even more so that looking at others thinking they’ve got it sorted. The one revelation I had on Khan was: we’re all winging it.

Independence was a big theme in your previous journal, I see it here too, winning independence is difficult but like you said, roots can’t be got at.

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#91

On reflection I think “escape” was a poor choice of words on my part. I think this is better:

You don’t need to fix the pain, you only need to stop resisting it.

That may sound weird, it’s a natural inclination to want to fix any source of pain. The thing is any emotional pain carries a lesson deep in it’s core, and when you stop resisting it gives you space to examine it without the emotional noise and finally accept and integrate it. It’s still there but it stops being a source of pain and instead becomes part of who you are, and a source of new growth.

#92

Thanks bujin. I agree with that, having tried variations of that (meaning “acceptance”) in years past. It took a lot of stress out of life when I slowed down and kept my eyes on it in a sane fashion.

#93

I read your post before leaving for work @Michel , but I didn’t answer then, for I wished to give a thought out reply.

Independence has been one of my most sought out desires in life. I’m like steps away from achieving that financially. I spent a few years just wanting wealth, but with subliminals, with frequent exposure to new ideas (plus reminders of old, still successful ideas), and with willing people helping me move forward, I’m almost there.

Relationally, I’m in that familiar spot of “oh, now I have to keep my focus on ME. Not him, her, or her.” Today I was driving for work near my sister’s house, and something hit my awareness. I realized I’ve had this (false) belief that she, my sister, or she, my mom, were bad influences on me. I suddenly realized…that these were my feelings, MY resentments speaking–not theirs. For example, I spent a few days at my sister’s house last September since a hurricane was coming close to us. Though I’ve viewed her as toxic and difficult to be around, I was the one who began spats. I took cheap verbal shots at her. I’ve carried old pain, blame, and bitterness, and pointed it at her hoping…it’d be her fault. I’ve been living like this for 4 years now, mostly since beginning subliminals. I thought freedom meant “I’m not responsible”. Well, part of me is still hanging on to that belief, though I know it’s not working in my life today. It worked when I was young, but it’s not serving me well now. (why am I hanging on to this?)

And lastly, a lot of recent emotional ups and downs have involved males in my life. I know that it involves independence at a core level. I keep desiring adult men to treat me like a kid (don’t want to effing admit that), but it’s got me stopping and going, back and forth, while attempting to trust some in my life. I’m in a new area for myself, not having tremendous baggage like old times, but still seeking someone to fill old (fatherly or brotherly) roles. Just writing this made me pay attention to my gut area, as tension shows up. Some (all of it, really) is unprocessed feelings. Old grief. And with it, a lot of unanswered questions.

These last 2 issues, both relational, are what I’m focusing on. And gggrrrrrrrr… I’m responsible for this. Suddenly, this feels brand new to my awareness.

I’m listening to Regeneration at the moment, and I’ll run it all night. I’m wondering what actions I might take, like a single one, to move forward. Going with that idea, I did run Limitless v.2 with Regeneration the last 2 nights. Yesterday, the first day after, my mind was very active thinking of financial solutions. I’ve just felt fear heavily when thinking about going back and processing old emotional or relational truths. Facing truths seems to be where I’m at in life right now.

I’ll trust Regeneration tonight.

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#94

I’m in a transition, I thought I’d not mention it until a week had passed, but I’ve used Emp4 overnight plus a bit today. Saint warned that too much might cause negative effects, so I’m running Regeneration currently.

Why Emp4? The reason I dropped it was simply since I was with my ex and daughter in Kentucky when it came out, and I was afraid of being angry around them. That–right there–is why I returned to Emp4. These last 2 weeks Regeneration has questioned why I’ve buried my anger and opposition around them. I traded my honesty for their fickle acceptance, and I don’t feel like a man letting females dictate my behaviour and direction in power plays. Emperor is a full package, and it focuses on growing me, or rather, promoting my own worth over other’s opinions.

In short, it’s promoting growth, and that is magnetic to me. Pushing down desires and feelings is not growing. It’s conceeding, and I don’t feel right giving away power when I’ve not even wielded it yet.

Saint said it could be used for any goal, and I have 2 straight off the top of my head. One is finalizing and directing funds I’ve accrued this last year where I’ll be building it plus having cashflow to live on. It’s simple since I’ve been looking over this for almost a year. I’d run Emp4 after running Regeneration last night, and I ended up rewatching an investment webinar which I looked up again. I’d doubted this organization in an all or nothing mentality, and I then realized they have all their bases covered. I’m just not inside their setup yet.

My second goal is being ready for a beautiful, intelligent woman. I’m pretty uninformed there. But even tonight I noticed I was getting attention when I went out for dinner alone.

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#95

Following a desire I had when I woke up this morning, I knew I needed to get out and be around people. In short, something was just pushing me to get out. I showered early, then slowed down seeing as I had breakfast here. I let go of that drive for a while, but felt that nagging in me to just get out. So I did. I even followed that inner voice (which often seems impractical when first heard). I went and got a meal at a restaurant, then re-felt that push to be around people. I felt some fear inside, but chose to purposefully ignore it. It lost its power.

I drove by a local park, knowing I could walk there. That inner voice had me park around the other vehicles there rather than in an isolated spot. I’d read here this week about listening to those little nudges, so I did.

I began walking, noticing young and old couples walking. What I also noticed immediately was squirrels were coming towards me. Was I a “squirrel whisperer”? :joy: I’m normally unafraid around dogs, and they sense it, relaxing. But having squirrels come towards me was a first.

I walked 2 minutes, then saw why they were approaching me readily. A man had 3 sons (or grandkids), and he had a large sack of peanuts in their shells. He was teaching his kids how to have the squirrels take peanuts from their hands. I’m against domesticating wild animals for various reasons, but I didn’t interfere. One got bit by a squirrel early on, but amazingly, I saw this same kid approaching squirrels 20 minutes later. He wasn’t listening to his mistakes. He did BETTER, trampling his fear.

Me? I walked by some beautiful moms, but did not act weird. I think many young moms are beautiful. I was in a spot of not expecting anything, but trying to allow my presence to be known. I didn’t need what they had, but I desired it. In time. This was my first time being there just to walk. I’ll likely return in the future.

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#96

I’m feeling insecure, fearful I’m jumping around when old buttons get pushed. Here’s the root.

New Beginnings, as pointed out by @Simon, is digging up stuff in me. I’m finding this very true. I’m becoming very aware of my own pretenses, emotional escapes, and self-sabotage avenues. I’m wrestling with it currently since old thoughts defend it saying “Yeah. What’s wrong with it?”

I’m wondering AND believing I’m messing up. I’m even aware at this moment that following that thinking to extremes is an old self-sabotage route (“this is BAD. **** it all!!”)

I realize I’ve been searching for some old familiar, even non-beneficial norms using subs. And me jumping to Emp4 was due to feeling very insecure with stalling on Kahn.

What I’ll point out at this moment, a good thing, is I’m not expecting or looking for someone to save me. This is good.

I’ll take Simon’s advice and open up my old journal tonight. Feeling shitty right now.

EDIT: I woke up and put a loop of Emperor on. I was listening while writing. Finished it and put Regen back on.

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Early Emperor v4 Impressions Thread