What changes where I stop guys from making digs at me, and I choose to be nice to myself vs. being nice to them?
A long question, but it’s on my mind.
I was working with 2 guys today, and I noticed I continuously dodged being honest with myself. I was allowing them to make me a focus of jabs and putdowns, and instead of standing up for myself, I kept laughing at the jokes. It slowly sunk in an hour later, when the jabs hadn’t stopped, that I began being disappointed in myself. I quieted and began being non-responsive.
I’m just thinking out loud here, hoping to find some truth. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. I was just hanging on to some belief that as long as I didn’t get mad, the attention wouldn’t stop… So, I was allowing it for the attention. Other’s attention. What caught my attention was that the older one, a very street-wise man, showed he was losing respect for me in that last half hour. That honesty from him began getting past my shield I had up, which is also why I quieted down.
I got off work an hour later, feeling a desire to know why I was allowing and encouraging it. I’d had ST1 on in my pocket all day–but I was and am tired. Tiredness kept my focus off of deep emotional happenings in me.
I’ve been sitting an hour now at home, and some connections are showing. This day with these guys felt similar to hanging out with my real brothers when young. One older brother was quick and rash in interactions, though he (tried) controlling me and my other brother. He wasn’t easy to hang with due to him trying to control everything. He left us as soon as he could leave the house, moving 200 miles away. The other brother was one I leaned on and expected TOO much from, looking back now. I treated him like I have been treating the younger coworker lately: me disowning my anger and values to maintain a relationship, me taking any scraps offered. My old thinking patterns were in place today, which were an awareness that he (the younger coworker) may go anytime himself, so fearing abandonment, I was a pushover all day.
When I got in my van to go home, I turned on Emp4, hoping to find and feel my identity again. l turned it off after 20 minutes, feeling something underneath. And it wasn’t anger, nor was it self-pity.
It was knowing I was reasonably challenged today. My focus now is to allow what I’m feeling and to consider what they represent. Some things I can’t change–but some things I can. I turned ST1 back on, and am running it now.
I imagined me standing up to the older man. But that fear of abandonment is still felt, and the imagined scenario dissipated quickly.
I tried listening to ST1 to sleep to last night, but was awake at midnight. Maybe an hour later, still wide awake, I switched to Regeneration, and finally slept. Tired as fuck now, so will sleep with Regeneration tonight. I’ve used Regen the last 3 nights to sleep to.
I’m realizing weaknesses in my plans to make things easy for me–and I am not wishing to react to myself or others in anger. I’m doing this. I allowed this today. Maybe some root fears of abandonment need to move, but I don’t care. I’m just desiring to be nice to myself tonight and tomorrow. Will rest and write tomorrow. This day taught me something–and I feel some sadness underneath. Will sleep on it.