Kahn Journal: New possiblities

Journals - Major Programs
#56

Kahn is working a little differently in me this time, as I just corrected my daughter. She’d asked me to text her when I was home from the airport , I did, and added a note about something I’d cooked there yesterday. Her response: “cool man”. It bothered me since she showed blatant (and allowed) signs of disrespect while I was there, and I corrected her once 2 nights ago. It was just me and her, she’d pushed by me like I was some annoying peer, and I didn’t react straight off–I’d gotten offended a few times being on Emperor, and I’d purposefully held back so as not to be a dick about it. After 5 minutes I told her about it and said quickly that I stay away from people who treat me like that. She got it.

Today, I purposely sat on my reaction, as anger rose quickly. I have allowed the disrespect, but overreacting will do harm when I could just place a boundary. I texted back that I wasn’t her friend. I was her dad. She gave a lame “sorry to offend”, as if anything changed. I shared I didn’t find it respectful. She defended it saying it wasn’t meant to be disrespectful, just a friendly reply.

I had not laid my boundary yet. I told her not to talk to me like that, and I would accept no more excuses. She replied “ok”

Me being on Emperor with such disrespect initially had me wired, way wired up. I’d have my loops running in my pocket, my mood would suddenly change (I was looping Emp4 and GM originally), and I’d be fuming to where I shut off Emperor a few times, and finally kept it off when with both my daughter and ex. I transitioned to Kahn to test my reactions, and I had much more self-control, so I switched mostly due to that.

I was much more loving and caring around both, with me being aware of old habits I’ve had in trying to “secure love”. I’d do and say things in times past and I was a total patsy for either. And in fact, something came up 2 nights ago which further cemented my move to Kahn. My daughter had been shocked by a guy on Twitter sharing his view on how girls should be girls (stupid, yet very courageous). His points were accurate, and he received hate replies. But he then addressed guys, and my daughter read it. It shared how guys should be assertive and make their stand, how women walk on patsies, and how their children resented having fathers with no backbone. My mind has replayed that reading since hearing it. So I corrected her not to burn her, but to clarify my boundary. I’ve done it before, but it came out clearer this time. Wheww.

Lastly, women and girls have given me more attention than usual. I’d not been looking for it this afternoon, but I had to return to the supermarket to get some things for a dish I’m preparing. I’d seen some underage manager (18-ish) cutie the first time, and I was purposefully ignorant of her, as she was eyeing me and trying to get my attention by her proximity. (I don’t know her age, but she could easily still be a minor, so I’m cautious) When I returned to the store the second time, she seemed to try to be in the very isle I was returning by, I said something and smiled. I noticed I was all smiles the remaining 5 minutes I was in the store (@fire–did you script this? :wink:)

I could write and write all the sub awarenesses I’m having, but this post is long. I’m enjoying this–again.

I lied. I’m loving this push, this " I need to DO something, CHANGE something…take ACTION!" When I dropped Kahn the first time, I’d been running it long enough thinking it was “normal”. But the internal push ceased shortly after stopping Kahn. It pushed me in many ways, and personal development was a big focus. This time, my attention to women has jumped. Literally. I think that’s why I was smiling in the store, for I am actually seeing myself with women in my thoughts this time. I’ve not been on a date for almost 18 years now :sunglasses:. Looking forward to this.

2 Likes
#57

I woke up this morning noticing I’m coming closer to a change in direction. I’d tried to pass it up, but I just read Bujin’s post in the Early Emperor v.4 Impressions Thread. He had a dream showing him seeing a window of opportunity, but also having awareness of his own denial and truth blocking. I can identify with this symbolism. I turned on ST1 and GM upon waking, and am listening now.

I’m in a very similar spot. Denial teases and invites. Truth invites, but doesn’t insist or shout. Truth will always be there, in good and bad, in feast or famine. I had a sense this morning, a foretelling maybe, of the tears of release, of letting go of a hold on fantasy which I’ve hung on to for decades. A denial slipping away. A growing into who I am, who I’ve wanted to be, free of superficial storytelling to myself, and ultimately, a freedom which can’t be faked.

I’ll go forward. I look forward to today.

1 Like
#58

I’m facing that reconciliation that came with my first months of Ascension a year back. I’ve been nervous some today, I thought it was caffeine, but I don’t really believe that. In the last hour, it seems narrowed down to the anxiety in the question “am I man enough?” I’ve seen me questioning everything about myself, and it showed in almost every interaction. I work with guys only, so this was on my mind all day.

Been thinking differently today, like my whole foundation is changing. For example, since my divorce 5 years back (and even before then) I’ve seen women like I was still a raucous teenager, like I’d get what I wanted, but give nothing back. The long and short of it is I was afraid of them knowing me, the real me. Just now, I thought of women, and I couldn’t even go the “safe, familiar” route I’ve normally gone. Yes, my foundation–or something–is changing.

I thought I should begin sharing some thoughts I’ve had. Almost 2 weeks back, I began Emp3 after being on another subliminal for 3 months. What came up for me was an old self-pitying survival tactic where I’d play small and seek someone to come and tell me what to do. I used to do this regularly. But I asked a question here almost a year back wondering what would help battle this victim mentality, and Saint advised Ascension, Godlike Masculinity, and Rebirth. So that’s why I added GM to Emperor, and now Kahn. It may be Kahn too, but I’ve not even gone down the road of “I can’t do this”. It’s a hopeless mentality which has been a deceptive stay for me many, many times. However, I’ve not been there the entire time on Kahn. Not even thought about it. That’s awesome :smile:

Lastly, I’d not used Regeneration during my first run of Kahn, as TB (ST1) is much more comprehensive than it and Rebirth. However, I’d been reading @Michel’s Kahn journal, and he began Regen recently with positive results. Out of insecurity (reconciliation, maybe), I added Regen to my stack last night, slept with it on, and played it with Kahn and GM today. I got home an hour ago, I stacked similar to how @Simon suggested to someone:

3x Kahn TB
2x Regeneration
1x Godlike Masculinity

Looping it now. Kahn is a very inspiring subliminal. I am grateful I have this.

3 Likes
#59

Good news! I’ve been past due for months on my school loan, a loan I’ve had since 2003. Something in me has been willing and ready to tackle this, so I just got off the phone with a loan rep, and I am in the black once again! I seriously thought I was close to defaulting, and I did NOT want to do that. The “get up and go” got into me and I took care of it!

Wow!!

I’d seen evidence of this “push” last night when cleaning up my kitchen. Doing the whole thing has been a real negative in my mind, keeping me feeling trashy and completely undirected. Last night I did something I’ve never done. I had a pot of stew I’d made and cooled down, and I picked up one piece of Tupperware, filled it, and froze it. 5 minutes later, I got another container, filled it, and froze it too. Did it 3 more times successfully. Then I desired to clean it all up, so I did. I woke up with a clean kitchen, and came home to one.

Fire had spoken about scripting he put in Regeneration where it’d prompt a single action to begin completion of bigger projects. I wasn’t running Regen yet, so I’ll take it that it’s in TB.

It feels good!

4 Likes
#60

Really? Interesting to see what will happen in the next couple of weeks.

#61

It was Saint, actually, in my Ascension journal:

2 Likes
#62

Kind of relaxed this morning. I woke up with this feeling like I wanted to push through some sadness coming up, like I feel a good cry brewing. I did/didn’t/did/didn’t want to too, and I felt this in seconds. When I ran ST1 the first time, I never had this waking up, but … just remembered something.

I’m listening to spiritual songs presently, for the mood. I remember doing a delivery run at work during my first run, and I turned on a local spiritual station, and I began crying. It was memorable since I cry easily, but I felt completely ok being loud crying. I knew something was shifting in me. A courage previously unknown.

Some have said ST1 was rough and undesirable. I never felt this way. I’ve lived with so many internal restrictions controlling me, and freedom was felt, and is felt and desired now. Sadness wasn’t and isn’t hard when it meant letting go of some old chains in my life.

I’m ready to let go of something now.

1 Like
#63

Something I’m seeing now, yesterday too, are my contradictions. I say you shouldn’t do something…but I do it myself. I thought of one with my daughter yesterday, and it stopped my whole imagined conversation with her, for I realized I was guilty of the things I was correcting her in.

I’m seeing this presently.

2 Likes
#65

I’ll share a doubt I’m having.

I’ve had my phone in my pocket all day looping Kahn TB, Regeneration, and GM. Midday I decided to run only TB alone since I’d somehow hit a button to repeat only Regeneration. It looped for maybe an hour, maybe more, but it took away the push I experience on Total Breakdown alone.

What greatly energized me and pushed me in my first run of Kahn when it came out was running TB all by itself. I felt insecure at times, and that was because I was challenging old beliefs and feelings I’d called “good” in my life. No major emotional crisis hit me, and I resumed TB a while longer than 30 days. Something felt good in this deprogramming.

I just got home, turned on my playlist, but chose to turn on Regeneration first. I did this less than 3 minutes, and I began writing here. Within seconds of writing, I realized I sought out TB, so I put it on, and am looping it alone.

My doubt is wondering if I’m interfering with TB’s progress while adding Regeneration.

F***. I only added Regeneration so I wouldn’t face all the emotional challenging inherent in TB. TB hit me steadily and consistently in my first run, and I chose to trust it. Either Saint or Fire wrote that TB would challenge old beliefs which we’d been holding onto for ages; we saw them as old “friends”. And letting go of them would not be easy. We’d be saying goodbye to it.

Fuck it. I’m going to loop TB alone tonight, and possibly tomorrow, and indefinitely… I choose to go through this. I did it before.

As far as experiences today, I had this feeling flash through me while riding through neighborhoods this afternoon for work. I’d seen numerous women throughout the day, but later in the afternoon, I had this daydream where I was feeling very assertive and comfortable speaking with desire towards women. I’ve never done this so easily, nor so sensually, and that’s what went through my mind. I was expressing my desire and want to be with a woman. It excited me, for I’ve usually identified myself as fearful around women. Time and time again, I’ve unqualified myself for such a spot, like quickly and clearly. This feeling was really exciting for me since it speaks of things yet to come on later stages! :+1:

1 Like
#66

Facing my first choices of thinking “do I want to go back to old ways?”, and it’s not attractive. Like old ways of “settling”, or passively accepting old fears.

Specifically, it rose when I began writing this post. I could whine, manipulate (lie) to receive attention.

Or I could be honest. I looped TB all night, and I woke up with a slight resistance to this change. Feeling sorry for myself, an old coping strategy which surfaced quickly, borders on feeling powerless, and this angers me. Just realized I’ve been afraid of my anger, for anger was heavily shamed growing up. I’ve stuffed it thousands of times in my life. GRRRRRRRRR. The one authority, while drunk, would angrily shame us for opposing a sloppy decision that affected us.

I grew up afraid to oppose her. I equated it with her abandoning me. And I’ve abandoned myself thousands of times instead when anger rose.

I’m facing this. I’m believing old lies, and they cause pain and thus, more anger. Ironic.

1 Like
#67

I don’t think so, ST1 re-evaluates, Regeneration brings up and heals. There’s no real harm in running both.

1 Like
#68

I went to a friend’s house tonight for a Christmas ritual me and 2 others have. It’s only choosing a Christmas movie and watching it, but I actually instigated this. Saturday I texted one of them asking if they’d done it already, he replied no, and he quickly set it up.

I also asked one about his Christmas plans since his normal plans were canceled (his aunt was hospitalized), and he said he’s not made any, but tomorrow he’s going to an evening 12 step meeting, then going to the local Alcothon, a 24 hour schedule of back to back AA meetings to allow people to socialize and feel less tempted during the holidays. I chose to be alone on Thanksgiving, but I did not want to do that again. I committed to joining him tomorrow to get a few meetings in. My motive is to be around people, but also to assess how I’ve changed. I spent nearly 20 years in various 12 step programs, but have not gone regularly for 2 years now–after a subliminal showed me my motives.

Change update. After feeling discouraged and slightly desperate Sunday, I began reading Kahn journals. I read about Godlike Masculinity’s effects, and I downloaded it on my phone. I got results instantly, and I felt less needy. I was doing laundry at a laundromat, and I got instant respect from a man there, which caught my attention. I’ve kept in my stack, and I pulled Regeneration off. Looping ST1 and GM alone.

When I began playing GM at the laundromat, I began wondering how often I’ve looked for emotional healing or support when what I really needed was to believe and know I was adequate as a man. I’d say a lot of damage came from having no father around along with a mother who always spoke ill of him. I realize I blamed myself, feeling unlovable and not desired. ST1 may be digging in this too, as I’m questioning a lot of things in my life.

I’m actually seeing the value in ST1, seeing my whole foundation as not that useful in (all) areas of life. ST1 is dismantling it consistently. Thank you Saint and Fire.

2 Likes
#69

Saint replied that we all have a model of masculinity within us, despite not having a father role model around. Mine was around, but he wasn’t the most helpful.
Godlike Masculinity sounds good.

2 Likes
#70

I’ve remembered reading that, and I have seen some really impressive role models in my life.

I began writing something, and I felt uncomfortable in it. The victim mentality, which I identified with for many years, DOES NOT FEEL OKAY anymore. I’d actually initially put on GM for that reason Sunday since Saint had suggested using it along with Ascension and Rebirth to rewire victim thinking. That was in my Ascension days. It worked in the moment Sunday, and I intend to change my thinking, replacing it with something more positive, more assertive. I am making this change.

2 Likes
#71

Kahn ST1 Day 10

I have 2 good things to report thus far today.

First, I worked with a regular driver who I’ve enjoyed since he’s very entertaining and social. He’s a black man a little older then myself, and his life experiences are much different from my own. For example, I said honestly on our way home (talking about women) “I’m pretty clueless”, and he laughed, him telling me he’s tried counting how many women he’s had sex with and lost count just as many times. He said he was a whore during his years in the service overseas.

Well, earlier this morning, we were both quiet. I was thinking we were both moody and he was judging me for no apparent reason, though I was avoiding dealing with this initially. Maybe 45 minutes later, I finally began making some effort to see what was happening in me. I just knew when I’ve avoided dealing with my own emotions, I can “throw up” on someone around me, usually someone who was in no way responsible.

When I took the effort to look at my thinking and mood, I saw I was blaming him–for my bad mood. However, while doing this I was a little detached from it, and I took responsibility for it. Something changed in my thinking right there, and all the poor thinking and anger disappeared. I saw I was being a victim–and seeing this gave me power to change it. I did. My shitty thinking disappeared, never returning all day.

My 2nd positive happened in the last 2 hours. I got home from work at 3, and have lied here resting. But with mixed feelings about it, I put on Emperor4. I’m a little nervous about being around many strangers tonight, and I’ve been moodwise somewhere between tired and defensive. Tired mostly–too much coffee today. I thought Emperor would “wake me up” moodwise. I noticed about 20 minutes ago that…I wished to return to the Kahn mindset, for strangely enough, it makes sense to me internally. Like I was given a signal that it’s working for me. So I turned off Emperor and resumed Kahn ST1 and GM.

What I’m reporting is that ST1 is growing on me. It’s not all black and white, hot or cold. It’s working on stuff deeper, and it just feels better running it. This feels good taking responsibility for myself here. Small victories count :slight_smile:

2 Likes
#72

The way we’re taught to look outside for our problems is so pervasive it’s disempowering - and it sells for big bucks. So it’s not surprising is in all of us. Turning it round is a lifetime job sadly.

1 Like
#73

I know it was modeled to me directly by my mom, and she’s gone now. I’ll take the lifetime job of addressing it in me though. Doing the opposite…is what I’ve been doing, not enjoying the journey.

Other people are not responsible for the choices I make. I am. Knowing that is empowering.

2 Likes
#74

After reading Michel’s writings last night about Regeneration (different threads), I chose to loop Regeneration solo all night. Shame and guilt are old standards in my life, I’d been around people last night who reminded me of old passive ways, and I didn’t want to accept that. My emotional eyes were wide open, so I put on Regeneration to sleep to. I woke up with a slight desire to stay in bed, did so, but it’s not lingering still.

I came to write here since I felt good realizing where I am financially, though I’ve been squelching it emotionally lately. I’ve made some mistakes this past year, learned I was being cheated by one person, but am presently working with a good guy who’s hooked me up with a nice additional income stream in addition to powerful mining capabilities (bitcoin ming). I felt relaxed this morning knowing in the next couple of months, I’ll have a choice whether to sleep in or not. Subliminals opened up this door for me, and I am SO grateful.

Concerning subliminals, I’ve been desiring to add QL to my Kahn stack. I heard it may allow quicker processing of Kahn’s (or any SC sub’s) messages, and I’m desiring that. I’ve not jumped yet, mostly due to funds, but also due to knowing it might be heavy initially running 2 stacks. But I’ve had thoughts lately of “what am I really good at?”, and learning is definitely one for me. I enjoy acquring information and linking it with other data where it formerly seemed unrelated. I did this with nutrition in years past, and my focus has drifted more into businesses. Some of the most successful companies have a very attractive “why?” in their mission statements. I’m also seeking my own “why?”, so my brain is stirring.

QL will come. … As I wrote that, I thought of leaning on Regeneration more, but remembered QL focuses on limiting beliefs and trauma clearing. Hmmm…

Merry Chistmas everybody!!

2 Likes
#75

Regeneration kicking up stuff? Yes.

I ran Regeneration by itself all night last night, until maybe 8 or 9AM. I called my daughter around then but left a voicemail. Replied to my ex an hour later (forgot to respond, actually).

Midday, still no word or text from my daughter, and I began getting mad. I texted her asking if she was busy. No reply. Anger building more. I texted my ex, saying my daughter was ignoring me again, but said clearly for her not to force her to call me.

I knew a deeper truth existed in me, and I’ve skirted around it. Years back, when I was still married, I’d formed an emotional bond with my daughter that I relied on much more than anything my wife provided. In truth, I depended on my daughter unhealthily, meaning I expected her to fill some part of me. It’s just not damn fair nor healthy, I’d realized it maybe 5 years back, and I’d thought I’d gotten past it practicing actively loving her intentionally. I’d not seen or felt it much in the last 2 years.

But no. The anger today was linked to a fear of abandonment, and it pointed out my expectations of my daughter, things causing pain. Expectations of anyone are premeditated resentments, and this was festering.

I took a walk and considered what I was feeling and thinking on Kahn and Regeneration lately. Kahn has been much more dominant, though I’ve been very hesitant about getting assertive with my daughter. I remembered Dimitry telling Michel that maybe shame and guilt still lay in him, discounting his assertiveness. He advised Regeneration to remove this, and Michel has done very well on both.

Since this is still fresh, I’m looping Regeneration along with GM (it promotes action), and I’m doing that now. I’ve looped Kahn, Regen, and GM all day, but I’m needing some focus work now.

1 Like
#76

The missed text thing is definitely abandonment issues. Oh boy, I had a very close friend who I’ve chatted on and off who has completely stopped replying to my texts. This cause me some anxiety.

Then I realised that if she no longer wants to be in my life, I would accept it and move on. Tough as hell but it’s the only sane way of looking at it.

1 Like