Journey into the Deep

Journals - Major Programs
#34

So, this is it.
The start of two weeks of washout, after two months of listening to subliminals on the regular.
I have no idea how it will be
Will it be easy? hard? soft? tender? delicious? Damn now I’m thinking about it like food lmao

Well, in any case it will be, much like how christmas will be
Christmas are a bit hard on me as I don’t have much if any money to do gifts and I’m otherwise uncomfortable with christmas gatherings, though this year I invested a bit in paint and canvases, so I can make gifts still without paying (that) much
and we’ll see how that goes, both this washout and christmas.
still, subs helped me take decisions that I feel might have been harder otherwise.
I still have quite a few actions to take, but I’m a bit more ready and willing to take them.

but hey, even if it makes it 20% easier, that’s already huge, though it would be foolish to try to quantify help and support when it come to immaterial things like the mind and subliminals lmao
but yeah, they do help.

#35

for how I see 2026… it seems like lots of things will start for me, following the many decisions and endings of 2025. also maybe finally starting to see the end of the tunnel of financial issues.

I still don’t know what to do with Cin, on one hand I’d like to have sex with her, on the other I know she got a fucking ton of issues to work on to get her life in order and so I’ll need to give her tough love, tell her stuff she might not like but that may help her realize that her lifestyle is a problem, if she doesn’t already know, and maybe get her to seek help regarding it.
Notably her huge addiction to alcohol that highly worsen her self esteem issues.
She tries to flee herself through alcohol but cannot flee feelings and emotions, as it only make her less conscious throughout. and so, she hurt herself and the people around her, people that she love, and people that love her.
Probably that I’ll listen to reason and the noble path and do what I need to do in the end.

For how I see the future… following the schedule described earlier

I will probably want to continue with preparing myself for my court date, as I will be the one who do the most talking and will need to be flawless to convince the magistrate.
and so will probably pivot over the cycles that follow toward RoD +L:RAIKOV + a third title (maybe L:Polyglot?), and watch a bunch of legal stuff and great jury, great lawyers, conference people, etc. prepare a speech, join toastmasters, do whatever I can to improve.

Once that legal stuff is done, well I’d really like to see spiritual stuff a bit like Alchemist or RoS, along with RoD still, though I know that money will also need to be developed…
I’ll have to check what way to go with my oracles and through meditation.
probably that if I lose I will have no choice but to focus on building wealth as I would have to sell my car, sell my appartment, or sell my agricultural land; That’d be a really low point in my life if that happened, so that’s all the more motivation to do my best.
Even then, I’ll have to continue Khan along with wealth titles eventually, to resolve any doubt or fear regarding money or lack thereof, and in order to get going financially.
So yeah, anyway, if I can build a good foundation there in the next 3 months, and then develop enough my charisma and speech by the time I go in front of court, it would be great.

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#36

Absolutely recommend these two.

I think having a wealth title to accompany these may also be helpful as well. Although keep in mind I’m heavily biased with most of these titles, so just do what feels right for you and your situation.

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#37

Yeah, I guess you’re right, something like the new Ascension, while not a purely wealth title, it got wealth scripting) could go well with them and prepare the way for other wealth titles afterward :thinking:
Thank you :blush:

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#38

I feel the lady at the bakery, might have a crush on me, I gave her my name and asked her’s, though I didn’t have the courage to ask her out for a coffee yet, not sure I’m in a position to be in a relationship but she’s cute.

This evening I’ll see Cin, I think I’ll have a talk with her tonight. About how her addiction and behavior is destroying herself and the people around her.
I should, and I should do it in a way that will help her digest this information and convince her to turn her life around.

Though, I should also have a talk with her BF, see if he’s ok with her drinking, sleeping around, and whatnot,
though idk, on one hand he’s a good dude and deserve the truth, on the other hand, it might ruin his evening or even holiday, and as my mom use to say “don’t get into a mess, and you won’t have to get out of it”, especially since I have unwholesome motivations behind…
I should throw out the part that my unwholesome motivation suggest and just genuinely check with him where he’s at, what he accept and want, how he see things first and foremost.

I have a belief that, each ego, each consciousness on Earth is part of a whole, and that we are all an evolution/reincarnated version of oneself across non-linear time-space, every possibilities of the self.
Which means that in my view, similarly to how I am my younger self and yet am not, similarly am I and “other” people (similarly and simultaneously the other way around).

so, with my belief, which I perfectly know is incomplete or I wouldn’t be on this Earth, it would be stupid to treat anyone badly.
If other people are me with another mind, another body, another ego, another personality, another circumstances, another specialties, and another spread of competency, then it would be stupid, unbecoming and undeserving to treat any living being with anything other than empathy, love, care, and honesty; Or to assume anything other than that people do what they can with what they got.

So yeah, I should really thing through what could be the most useful for their path, wants, and circumstances, rather than what could be more useful for my lower carnal desires.
Spirit over Matter.

As Dale Carnegie said in “How to win friends and influence people”

The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind
when it is necessary to change attitudes or behaviour:

  1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget
    about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the
    other person.
  2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
  3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
  4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you
    suggest.
  5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
  6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the
    other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

For now, I have been conflicted on 2 regarding their situation, and I haven’t taken the time to really consider 3, 4, and 5 deeply.
Precisely because I didn’t respect point 1 “Forget about the benefits on yourself and focus on the benefits to the other person”.

Edit: in the end, I decided to not go see them tonight.
I’ll let them have a good fun Christmas, and that’ll give me the time needed to really think about it :blush:

Edit 2: He decided to end things last night (well, not quite, telling her he sees her as a friend but they can continue to see each others), well I should still call him to get news, but maybe tomorrow evening, he didn’t sleep last night since he looked after a very depressed and dismayed Cin and gotta work today

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#39

Reading my introduction post again.
me wanting to run Khan
I abandoned rather fast after one cycle, running other subs, cheating both Khan and myself, the ZP, telling me it’s a small break building myself up to be able to handle that sub, but can we really overcome without going through? I doubt it.
I really should integrate it again.
though I could never get over 3 minutes after a whole cycle.
I also got a syncronicity, seeing Trv Khan 🤘 suggested after going back here to this journal.

but I’ll be doing things right that time.
No longer sub hopping, washouts, microloops, and patience.

And also, I will keep my word. And it will be hard, there will be temptations, especially since I like thinking about stacks, but I must see to it, for my honor and for my self.
There is nothing worse than betrayal of the self. I won’t make a liar out of me.
I will do what I said I will.

My schedule for 2026, first half

Though I start this schedule at first, I already done two cycles before, in 2025, improperly:
Khan+Regen,
LBFH+AoH+Regen
So really, it could be called 3rd cycle, but hey this is the first cycle of 2026 and the first that’s organised using the official recommendation regarding rotations and Billions unofficial listening schedule (that seem to be somewhat close in listening times to the official rec)

First cycle: Regen-AoH-LBFH (jan)

  • Mon 5th: LBFH - Regen
  • Wed 7th: AoH - Regen
  • Fri 9th: AoH - LBFH
  • Mon 12th: LBFH - Regen
  • Wed 14th: AoH - Regen
  • Fri 16th: AoH - Regen
  • Mon 19th: AoH - Regen
  • Wed 21th: AoH - Regen

Second cycle: LB-Regen-AoH (jan-feb)

  • Mon 26th: LB - AoH
  • Wed 28th: LB - Regen
  • Fri 30th: AoH - Regen
  • Mon 2nd: LB - AoH
  • Wed 4th: LB - Regen
  • Fri 6th: LB - Regen
  • Mon 9th: LB - Regen
  • Wed 11th: LB - Regen

Third cycle: GLM-LB-Regen (feb-mar, my vacation should start around that time)

  • Mon 16th: Regen - GLM
  • Wed 18th: LB - GLM
  • Fri 20th: LB - Regen
  • Mon 23th: Regen - GLM
  • Wed 25th: LB - GLM
  • Fri 27th: LB - GLM
  • Mon 2th: LB - GLM
  • Wed 4th: LB - GLM

Fourth cycle: Khan-GLM-LB (mar)

  • Mon 9th: Khan - LB
  • Wed 11th: Khan - GLM
  • Fri 13th: GLM - LB
  • Mon 16th: LB - Khan
  • Wed 18th: Khan - GLM
  • Fri 20th: Khan - GLM
  • Mon 23th: Khan - GLM
  • Wed 25th: Khan - GLM

Fifth cycle: L:Raikov-Khan-GLM (mar-apr)

  • Mon 30th: RKV + GLM
  • Wed 1th: RKV + Khan
  • Fri 3th: Khan + GLM
  • Mon 6th: GLM + RKV
  • Wed 8th: RKV + Khan
  • Fri 10th: RKV + Khan
  • Mon 13th: RKV + Khan
  • Wed 15th: RKV + Khan

Sixth cycle: RoD-Khan-Raikov (apr-may)

  • Mon 20th: RoD + RKV
  • Wed 22th: RoD + Khan
  • Fri 24th: Khan + RKV
  • Mon 27th: RKV + RoD
  • Wed 29th: RoD + RKV
  • Fri 1th: RoD + Khan
  • Mon 4th: Khan + RKV
  • Wed 6th: RKV + RoD

Seventh cycle: RoD+Khan+Raikov still, (possibly rising khan to the next stage, if ready, I’d have done a total of 4 cycles of ST1)

Khan will stay, so henceforth I’ll have to be thinking on what two titles I want to listen to alongside instead of three, since the third slot will stay Khan, at least until I get to 15m of each stage up to the 4th without recon. I don’t even know if I’m not gonna keep this three stack for some months, I’ll see how I feel.
But Chosen + Khan, and Asc + Khan feel tempting, especially with the new oncoming updates.

What titles, we’ll see. this is already quite enough planning, especially for me since I have yet to work on following the plans I set forth.
Especially since the later half seems like it’ll be harder/colder, but I hope by then I’ll have done the steps I have to do to better myself enough to take it.

Edit: Probably start to rotate Raikov, RoD and the new Asc, over two slots + khan

The cycle structure follows a rythm, I put it out there to make it easier for me in the future to follow a rotation schedule over three titles using Billion’s listening schedule:
new: new title
rot: the one who will be rotated
carry: the title who carried over from last cyc that stays

  • Mon th: new + rot
  • Wed th: new + carry
  • Fri th: carry + rot
  • Mon th: rot + new
  • Wed th: new + carry
  • Fri th: new + carry
  • Mon th: new + carry
  • Wed th: new + carry

if there’s no title to be rotated out (no rot, “a” being new if there’s a new title)

  • Mon th: a + b
  • Wed th: a + c
  • Fri th: c + b
  • Mon th: b + a
  • Wed th: a + b
  • Fri th: a + c
  • Mon th: c + b
  • Wed th: b + a

The meta-structure (what title in a stack) also follows a structure, as titles stay at least three months for a three titles rotation, though it’s more malleable and could stay longer by repeating a stack the next cycle.
I feel having titles at least three months at a time could be good, so with multistage like khan where I permute the full two titles (four titles total over two slots), it might be good to have a third month that keep the two non-multistager the same.

This would leave a gap every three month at most to go to the next stage. Though as said previously, it’d be good to stay at least three month per stage and until I can listen to 15 minutes without recon.

So like, (for a+b, c+d):
N+0: a+b+khan
N+1: b+c+khan
N+2: c+d+khan
N+3: c+d+khan (possible stage rot)
N+4: d+a+khan
N+5: a+b+khan
N+6: a+b+khan (possible stage rot)

And like, (for a+b, b+c, a+c, a three title permutation over two slots)
N+0: a+b+khan
N+1: b+c+khan
N+2: b+c+khan (possible stage rot)
N+3: b+c+khan (possible stage rot)
N+4: c+a+khan
N+5: c+a+khan (possible stage rot)
N+6: c+a+khan (possible stage rot)
N+7: a+b+khan
N+8: a+b+khan (possible stage rot)
N+9: a+b+khan (possible stage rot)

That way, I can properly complete the multistager, and make sure that I only ever need to run ST4 to get the whole benefits (as I’ll have done the proper work)

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#40

I personally love this approach. Having one sub that you stick with that gets to know you personally, while the rest act as “support”. Whatever your long-term goal is, I think that should be your main sub that you don’t switch, at least until you think you’ve made significant progress towards that goal. It makes sticking out the recon a lot better if you’re able to look at the copy and literally see your goals embodied in the objectives.

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#41

Thank you :hearts:

2 Likes
#42

Also, totally unrelated, average journal entry

So I came upon that thread that talk about the biofield after discussing with you about biofields and especially that post from saints,

I can attest that I went slightly mad after a chance encounter with archangels, digging a bit, and having a huge spiritual experience that left me very luminous (according to people who know me), very sensitive to energy (biofield) and very energetic, as attested by a reishi practitioner and other spiritual workers (psychopump and the such)

I wasn’t ready.
And though I got lots of results and synchronicities, like taking an hitchhiker who was a spiritual writer that came to my region from another country to die here to realise a prophecy he saw in a dream.
It did leave me mad and in acute spiritual psychosis for nearly a year. (On top of feeling like I had a dagger digging into my brain from my nape the few days or so following the initial big spiritual experience

Like, before that I have been an engineer in STEM with next to no experience with “the occult” or spirituality.
And I have been quite far from being pure or taking care of my body…

I didn’t even know about biophoton or biofields at the time so I had no way of integrating what was happening / what had happened.

The only spiritual things I knew was that there were religions and that I didn’t believe them. (Was an atheist)

Well, to be exact I didn’t go mad directly, it was when I started digging further, against the advice from the archangel I knew, into all that crazy stuff Saint mentions :

Like, yeah that was a big mistake.
I could explain it away like “oh silly me, I couldn’t figure out what exactly happened to me, what was good for me and what wasn’t at the time” but I was directly warned to stop digging into stuff that don’t concern me.
But I did, and went mad, and now that I’m more based on the practical application of old traditions mixed with newer scientific understandings, I’m getting better.
Well, though I am religious now lmaoo

And well, this is in part why I’m attracted to subliminals.

I got a similar sensation and results when running the subliminals as to afterwards (though to a much lesser degree and without the fear of possibly being erased from all planes of existence, including from the memory of everyone I ever met, lol),

And the effects seem to be of a similar nature feeling and effect wise as to what I got from the archangel blessing/spell (casted without words in a language I don’t understand, possibly using biofield information or direct communication with the subconscious?)

Though, here with them I can integrate what kind of technology they are without just brushing it off with “magic”, though I don’t get the exact working mechanics (don’tneed to for it to work), I can figure how it influe on the body and mind globally and make sense of it.

This is also why eventually I would like to run Khan Black and Alchemist, but yeah with what Saint said, I should probably do Emperor Fitness first for training the body as well (or just, find a good qigong trainer and seriously start practicing it as part of my lifestyle, maybe alongside calisthenics and/or yoga)
But yeah, basics first. I won’t do the same mistake again of trying to go too far too fast.

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#43

That’s quite a journey, I’m glad you’ve found something that works without the worrying about getting erased from existence part. From what I’ve read of the thread, KB is definitely worth the full run at some point. Looks pretty fun too.

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#44

So, a follow up to that story,
Yesterday I didn’t meet up with Cin and Ju, in the end as it wasn’t clear in my mind how I could concile all parties.

In the end, things resolved really well on their own, as things tend to do.

She had a feeling these last couple weeks that he had been seeing other girls, notably going to at the house of a long time friend of his who took her distances at the beginning of his relationship with Cin because she realised she like Ju.
Last night, after she went back to his place Ju told her that he’d rather be friend with benefits or an open relationship of sorts, well though she was quite a bit dismayed at the news last night, she’s come to be ok with it in the end, she called me this morning,

things went a bit like this (with some bits ommited for length):

Me: Hey, how are you doing?
C: I’m ok, much better, there were misunderstandings last night but it’s fine now.
Me: Good!
C: You know how I told you I felt something was going on
Me: How you felt like he’s seeing other girls?
C: Yeah, so he went to repair stuff at A’s house, she’s a kind of old time friend who has a crush on Ju and took her distances
Me: Oh yeah, you mentioned her before
C: Coming to the place of someone who has a crush on you…
Me: You always had a good intuition.
C: So, in the end he’d much rather we stay friends and we could always spend the night from time to time
Me: mmhmm friends with benefits, like us
C: Or he’d be fine with an open relationship of sorts, where we see other people
Me: Oh, like we could the two of us?
C: Though we’re not in a relationship, being friends and seeing each other from time to time is fine
Me: Of course
C: It won’t change much though, since we where only seeing each others once every two weeks.
Me: Yeah, as long as you’re fine that’s what counts
C: We could even do it together
Me: Of course :wink: so we could see each other this week end?
C: yeah of course that’d be great! We’ll stay in contact before then
Me: No issues ^^ have a god day, kisses
C: I love you
Me: Me too :stuck_out_tongue:

So yeah, it looks like I could even possibly manage a threesome with Cin and Ju if I get along even better with Ju, and if he’s ok with that sort of thing, I think it could be fun for all parties ^^
I should call him.
Otherwise I could also just do it Cin and I, but it feels like it’d be less fun than Ju, Cin and I.
Being poly and bi, I like getting to know metamours :wink:

Also, I have been quite tired these last few days, and haven’t been able to finish painting the christmas gifts even while borrowing from my sleep time, I feel lethargic a bit.
This might be due to both the high processing in the background, the high demands of family meetings, as well as sleep debt.
I’ll have to take care of myself in the next couple days.

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#45

I had an awesome very loving holiday with all of my family, it was awesome <3 really good :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::pray:

I am blessed to be surrounded by love and care like that

I wish all of you a very merry christmas, may all your dreams come true :pray:

Mine do !

5 days of washout so far, and I feel great
this is awesome
I am love
I am gratitude

and very grateful to have found that thread: The Complete Guide to Manifesting What You Want

It felt awesome doing affirmations in front of the mirror this morning right after waking up
I was used to singing along affirmation songs in the morning, but never in fron of the mirror, looking myself in the eyes, affirming all the love and care that come from my heart.

so yeah, thank you
Life is Love

Edit:
Also, I finally gave my number to the bakery lady :blush:
A gift from Santa,
a “Voucher for 1 coffee” with a drawing of a coffee
and my number “to plan the date”

Edit:
Also, I had a money issue where I didn’t know how I would pay for the formation I wanted to do and signed up for, that would allow me to access a government program that would help make me opening a business possible.
This was solved as well through my mom unexpectedly wiring me the funds, even though I didn’t ask that of her. (or any money for that matter)
So that’s awesome as well! My story is unfolding little by little in great and unexpected ways :smiley:

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#46

Also expanding some more on the details here.

If we take that view of us as an aggregate of particles with energy running through us in patterns (the energy running being the “conscious” and the patterns engrammed from that energy movement being the “subconscious”)

We can remember that “memories” are also patterns of brain activity, and so are part of the subconscious and influence our conscious thoughts and actions

though, much like how the pattern that make the subconscious may be changed, so can the memories and especially their impact on the conscious (conscious influence on the memory pattern)

and similarly, in the universe, archetypes and other egregores and ideas are running through the “collective subconscious”, which is the ensemble of all pattern of collective interactions “energy exchange” engrammed onto all that makes “the universe”.

That’s what makes sense to me when I think of “angels”, “demons”, “dragons”, “gods”, and others.
Patterns within the local universe that influence interactions and greater movements of ideas and actions.

Hence why, in my view, when someone is “possessed by the Spirit” in the biblical sense, that Spirit is an “angelic archetype” pattern on the collective subconscious influencing the individual’s conscious such that this person’s speech follow an universe pattern, becoming a “thought of the world”.

And so, these patterns and archetypes also evolve and are either reinforced through the participation, “belief”, “faith”, “thoughts”, “ideas”, and imagination of each entities that interact with the world, or weakened through being ignored and forgotten.

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#47

So, follow up on that.
Apparently I “misunderstood” and they broke up but they are super close and call each others and she love him but can’t pardon him yet they have been super close calling each others and stuff.

Still, it’s been like three days she said she’ll spend time (and the night) with me and found reasons to report, apparently we’ll spend the evening tomorrow “for sure”

Though I have a feeling it’ll be the same stuff as the two other times that I almost slept with her, that she’ll find someone while at the club and ask me if he can come to my place so she can fuck him instead while I get to hear everything from the other room.

So that’s decided, if that happens, if she asks, she’ll have a choice:

  • Either he come back with us and we both take her
  • Or she say sorry to the guy, share numbers for later, and come back with me alone
  • Or I leave and they do it wherever they want but not at my place.

I’m done putting myself second or third.
I’m done with disrespect.
She disrespected me a lot in the past two years. like, really a lot.
and afterward I’ll prob take my distances from her, for my own sanity.

Edit for clarity:
and I don’t mean “disrespect” in the dudebro sense of the term,
I mean like sleep with a guy she knew from the day of in front of me, three days after I told her I loved her and she jumped from joy at the news.
I mean like me getting an arrest report from saving her life, only to have her sell the two consoles I lent her (worth 2k+) for 100e a few month later after I blocked her for a day.
That’s what I mean by disrespect.

Edit 2:
Can’t tell y’all how many times I listened to Game Over By Maitre Gims feat Vitaa while thinking of her, I’ll def send her that at some point especially from 1:41 to 2:09, it fits so damn well, but yeah, the whole song.

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#48

Thinking about it, I might just break my 15 days fast washout now at on the 6th day to run a quick loop of primal night a few hours prior, just for fun
Afterward I’ll continue washout of course ^^

Done 3 minutes, we’ll see how all goes down.
I should tame my expectations though, too much expectations lead to suffering

Edit:
I was right to lessen my expectations.
After all that she said in the last couple days, after all she is still with him and I was right in the first place.
Nothing happened, she thought I was horny which I very well might have been with 3 minutes of primal nights lmaoo but well I slighlty dodged the question as “I was talking about food!” Or “I was talking about an escape game, what did you think?” And other funzies.
Though she did say that she’ll talk with J if it’s possible to have a threesome or even a trouple, all three of us, so that’s a good path forward at least ^^

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#49

Ok so today I went with her, so during the day she start complaining about how she feels her BF is cheating on her (well, her bf, but they’re no longer together, but they’re together and she don’t want him to be with someone else despite him breqking with her…)
and giving me a ton of reasons as to why.
So ok I validate her feelings and tell her she should do what she wants.
She call him, tell me he told her he’s at “insert far away city” to see his kid, I say ok, she claim it’s weird and send texts to a friend of his that mentioning it, and tag him in a publication where they kiss. While making a story with me.
And then some time afterwards she start to claim he’s not at “insert city” and I lied and was the one who told her and made them fight??

So I point out “I don’t quite remember if I was the one to call, but whether or nor it was me, how would I possibly know about this city being important to him amongst any other city?”
And then she start to blame me for hitting on her yesterday ???
Even though she was very open to the idea?
While we where at the house of the brother of a friend in common?
Hell nah
So well, I kinda unloaded a bit about her not being there for court and selling 2k of console for 100 bucks,
She tell me the consoles are still at her place and again that I was hitting on her and called her “”“ex”"" the morning after they “”“broke up”""

I was pulled apart by another guest who told me kindly I should drop it and leave, I agreed, said sorry for letting my emotions get the better of me, and thank you for taking me out on the balcony for fresh air, and started to leave.
The host told me to stay, so I meditated a bit on the balcony.
She went trying to say sorry, then the host came and told me I shouldn’t stay alone.
she tried to pull her bs again so I asked
Me: What did I bring you these last two years?
Her: joy and happiness
Me: and what did you bring me?
Her: joy and happiness
Me: and a court case.
Her: what? So that’s how you see it? Blah blah blah
So I asked her “where were you during court?”
Well, she wasn’t there.
Although I went to court for saving her life.
Although she broke or sold 2k worth of consoles and games afterwards (although she now claims to still have them)

You know what, I have enough.
She can handle her bs alone.
Good luck with her in that life, if she’s gonna try to use the “but you hit on me!” Card every time there’s a disagreement while there are videos running around of her in gang bangs with people she barely knows, like, I don’t need that ki.d of problems in life you know?

She tries to say sorry even though she claimed all these things like I manipulate everyone into her sending certain texts and other people responding a certain way.

Duuude, I barely control myself how am I gonna control other people?
Madness.

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#50

Do you think that she may be projecting some of her insecurities/negative traits onto you, and that’s why she may act so inconsistently with you compared to others? I 100% agree with you putting your foot down and distancing yourself, I’m just trying to make sense of why almost every time you bring her up, she reverts to some childish behavior or blame game that shows she hasn’t really matured past that age.

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#51

I know that
I also know, now with some time, that I can’t get her to evolve past that if she’s not willing to.
I’ve tried for two years.
It’s just, I have to think about me as well, I can’t keep being stuck in the same place waiting for her to get out of the same patterns she complains about.
I told her all I could. All the wisdom I could muster to get her to stop getting into the same self destructive patterns.
And all I get is to see her destroy herself again and again.
So yeah, nah.
I went beyond because it felt like I knew her for centuries from the very first day I met her (and it may very well be so with past lives) and because she was/is interesting and got me to meet a ton of people for better and for worse, but I don’t wanna play that game no more. Enough is enough, I gotta take care of myself too.

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#52

Her having caused this court thing too could almost be like a direct message of that too

#53

It’s not her who caused that.
It’s me, by getting in between the guy who wanted to slaughter her and herself.
(because she kissed a girl in front of him, him being homophobic and jealous because she got him to buy her a ton of dtuff and give her a ton of money, using the fact he love her, without her giving anything back.)

I got myself in that situation by defending her, no, I only blame her for abandoning me afterwards.
Like, not even blaming her much, I can understand that’s a bother, but maaan I would have liked some support.
My lawyer whom I pay a fortune because he’s the dean of the university of law gave my case to a newbie and I basically had to defend the case myself.
Still do now that I appealed.
Basically alone in front of the judge and jury and prosecutor and attorney.

This is also why I look ahead for subs, I gotta really up my game if I want to do the job that I pay my lawyer to do and not have to sell my home or car to pay for the aggressor’s / wannabe murderer medical fees.