Thanks brother for your kind and encouraging words, they mean a lot to me 
I wish you all the best on your journey as well
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Hmmm first day after a 6 day rest period. What I figure out is that the first 2 rest days give me heavy recon and then it is gone. I had a nice couple of days without the sub and I was hesitant to start again today. Because it was time for a new cycle, I did one loop of RM and LE. Bad mistake because I have been sleeping poorly. I had such heavy recon in combination with my leaky gut, it was not a nice teaching day so to say haha.
Maybe I should implement Paragon this cycle instead of RM or RoM. I really want to heal this gut problem of mine and it never really goes away. The problem is that I need to have such a strict diet what I find difficult to handle. Will find a way tho.
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They accepted my offer!
I will be one of the best-paid teachers there without a degree. Since I am letting God more into my life, everything is just getting better and better
and of course Subclub 
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Bro! That’s so inspiring. I read the whole thing and am so happy for you.
It was a journey of self-doubt leading to self-confidence. You came out winning despite everyone incharge of the pay standing against you. You stood your ground despite your doubts and WON!
CONGRATS! Now doing your job (which you are already doing surpassing your duties) will be even more of a pleasure.
Hope you can get your leaky gut resolved too .
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Thanks brother On to the next challange 
And thank you for all your support and guidance, I really appreciate it
I hope so too, can’t really find a solution for the pain yet. Still searching, will find the answer tho!
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It’s funny that many things that I did before make more sense now that I’m focussing more on religion. For some reason, I’m most drawn to Christianity. I have started with reading the bible, listening to preachers on youtube, and following a mini-series that explains the old and new Testaments. It doesn’t make that much sense to me, but for some reason, I feel some kind of presence around me. I feel calmer and more connected. Can’t really put it in words and I guess that’s the definition of belief. I don’t have to understand it as long as it feels real.
For me, Silence has always been fascinating. I did silence weeks and things like dopamine detox to wind down my brain. I said things like “It gives me more clarity and makes me feel calm”. After listening and reading more, I’m starting to understand that it’s because of the communication with my higher power. Instead of just meditation in the morning, I started with prayer. I have no clue if I pray right (If there is even such a thing), but I really like it. It’s such a clean way of starting my day and it feels grounded.
I don’t know where this path is taking me. I just know that Jezus feels right to me for some reason. I’m still fascinated by other beliefs, spirituality, and religions and will search for more wisdom. While doing this, it’s important for me to remember that all wisdom comes from within. The questions I need answers to are cultivated in silence and prayer. I have done this for many years, but now I’m reading and learning why we need to be connected to Source.
I don’t know if Jezus is my Shepard, for some reason it feels like it. I’m just glad that I’m getting on this path and seeking answers to understand the truth.
This evening I woke up at 02:45 and couldn’t sleep anymore. What I found fascinating is that it doesn’t frustrate me when I wake up. I can’t fix the noise and light problem right away, it takes time and that makes sense to me now. The same thing with my health issues, it will take time to heal and that’s fair. Just one step at a time. I’ll try to remember this message the next time I get frustrated.
Lastly, I’m thinking about taking a break from the subs until I get healthy again. The recon is intense what I normally fixed with smoking weed and eating sugar. Especially sugar is the best recon solver for me, but I don’t want to eat sugar because it makes my gut problem worse. I would like to state that I’m not blaming subs for anything, but right now I’m not in the best physical and mental state to handle more challenges. Because to me, subs really piss me off because my addictive brain doesn’t like change 
Maybe listen for 1 or 2 times a week, and will meditate on it.
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I was sitting on the train to go to my barber (I never cheat on my barber haha) and was feeling so tired. The moment I arrived I just felt terrible with no energy at all. Went to my barber and we were talking about religion and our businesses. He was so happy to hear that I got a better offer and was just asking so many questions. This is a thing when people have this inspiring energy, that feeds something in me. Like I get this renewed energy out of nowhere en I just want to work. It’s a reminder time after time again that I thrive with the right kind of people around me. Sometimes I find this difficult to accept because I want to thrive when I’m alone as well.
But the weirdest part is that my gut doesn’t hurt right now, even after drinking some coffee. When I fast and eat very clean it works of course, but when I’m inspired or motivated, the pain and problems just fade away. It fascinates me how much human connection does to my body (I think in general, but for me it’s insane). That deep connection while talking with somebody that has the same ambitions and dreams as you. That’s what I love about this forum, having people with the same type of mindset and goals. Wanting to get more out of life instead of working 4-5 days and then getting absolutely wasted for 2-3 days and feeling terrible again on Monday.
Where do I find these people 
Maybe I should work on manifesting them and just go to places where there are entrepreneurs. Not to be short-minded, but for some reason, all the people that I really like are entrepreneurs like me. People that want to think outside of the box. Not that there is anything wrong with working for an employer. That’s a thing that sometimes frustrates me with my students. They think you have to be a business owner to be successful while having no skills to actually run a business. They see Andrew Tate and think that’s how every man should work. Wrong!
Lastly, I know that solitude and silence are important to get closer to Source. But for me getting closer to the source means meeting people and being around people. This is a bit confusing to me sometimes. I feel more connected right now than I did this morning while being alone. I just… I want to learn how to be alone and love it. But somewhere deep inside me, I know this is not my state of being. I remember doing 3-4 different types of astrology and they all said “In your past lives you were the Hermit, you have enough experience and wisdom now to be around people. You should be around people as much as possible” I always hated when I heard this because, in my ego mindset, it means I’m dependent of other people. I slowly start to accept that maybe this is my way of living and I need to embrace that. I am embracing it more and more, just need a bit of a kick-start when it comes to new friends with the same drive and interest.
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I’m getting so confused about religion at this moment, I feel like going into a forest for 2 weeks and not talking to anybody Man this is difficult to not know what to believe, and that in itself is a sin in many religions. Before I just believed in a higher power and that’s it. But all religions seem to have some truth in them, it’s confusing. Especially because everybody tells me their religion is the right religion and the others are false. While having 1bil+ that belief in Christianity and 1bil+ in Islam. Most believe the the religion their culture has the most connection with (I’m dutch so that means Christianity).
Maybe we need different religions for the same god, but with a different type of explanation. But when I read in the books that means that is Satan in itself because he’s trying to confuse everybody with different religions and wants there to be 1 religion for everybody.
I need some more RoM loops for these questions haha
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Yesterday something nice happened in the evening. I came home after meeting a friend and his friend and we had a blast that day. We were talking about the danger of being addicted to work and feeling to responsible for other people that we neglect our own needs. He was a teacher and my friend is a mental coach. These are the deep and meaningful conversations I long for.
By meeting friends and not let ego get in my way. I started texting other people that I know and one dude texted back “Damn bro, it sounds like a cliché but I really wanted to give you a text to meet up”. If I want to have new relationships and better friends, I am the one that needs to take action on it. Today I met a new dude and we exchanged numbers directly. It was such a fun day.
Now here comes the good part. I took the train home and the moment I came back to the city, it was so overwhelming. With so many people and energies, my brain wanted to complain about my circumstances because of living in the city, but I let it slide. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I went to the supermarket to get something to eat and last week the sugar cravings were Insane. If I walked passed the sweets, I felt like a crack addict that couldn’t walk past them. No judgment here, I understand the struggles of a recovering addict, and things like that happened.
But this time, no urge… Like I could watch the cookies and all the sweet stuff and have no desire to take it. I know why because I just came back from having 2-3 hours of deep, meaningful conversations that made me fulfilled. I came home and ate one sandwich with some meat. Because of the carbs and started to feel bored and lonely, and the sugar cravings came back. And there came the irrational thoughts
“You ate some gluten today, this day is already lost just go eat some candy”
“It’s the weekend, you can start on Monday”
and I can go on and on. I walked to the supermarket and was looking at the cookies. my mind was racing everywhere and I just didn’t know what to do. I knew in my heart this was a bad idea and that it would make me feel worse. I remember something I learned about the good and evil in this world and that evil wants me to do things that take me off the right path. I truly believe there is a force that’s trying to withhold us from achieving our potential and that thoughts made me leave the store with just some milk.
When I came home and felt frustrated, I remembered what some AA guy told me. “Go on your knees and ask god to take it away from you”. I was like, a screw it why not. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was somewhere along the line of “Can you please take away this craving, I can’t do this alone”
The Craving disappeared… How weird is that? Like I tried walking, reading, meditating, and doing all sorts of things. But by just asking to take it away, it went away!
As reward I woke up at 2AM instead of 3AM Feeling okay tho, looking forward to this rest dat.
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Most of us have two lives: the life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.
- Steven Pressfield
I sometimes feel my life is just a never-ending game with resistance. It’s never finished or content, there is always this feeling that there is something to overcome. Only when doing things like meditation/yoga gives me a great sense of peace, but I have to get through a lot of resistance to get into that state. I can’t really think about anything that I love so much and at the same time hate to my core. Especially when I feel insane resistance, the greatest treasure is close-by.
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I’m grateful for this morning and yesterday. I called my sponsor yesterday because I was working on step 1 of the AA book. Usually, I would watch a movie or do something leisurely, but I was feeling a bit lonely and wanted to talk to someone. We talked for about 1 hour and after that, I read some pages and went to bed early. Woke up at 2:45 AM (Does anybody have any clue why 2:45? That’s way too specific), but slept perfectly after that. One of the first nights of sleep that felt rejuvenated. I think this has to do with calling my sponsor in the evening and talking with him.
Another thing this weekend has taught me is that my journey with religion doesn’t have to be an ego journey. I started to get frustrated because every religion says it’s the true religion. I wanted to know which religion I should follow and what would fit best for me. After 2-3 days of just making myself crazy and trying to read and learn everything at once. I decided to ask God and let him guide me through the right path.
The next morning I woke up and for some reason had the urge to look at an assignment my business coach gave me. In this assignment where all the values we had written down 2 weeks ago, but I had not the time to look at them. One of the first values was freedom. I won’t go through all my value’s here, but the weird thing was that he wrote down freedom twice. I thought maybe it was a typo but then I remember the question I asked the day before. What Religion is the true religion?
Then it hit me, there is no true religion for me at this moment. It’s the same thing that there is no perfect blueprint or course for me. I remember one year ago one coach told me “If you follow these steps, you will become successful and rich, guaranteed” My first response was this “That’s nice to hear, but I need to do it on my terms and my way.” I heard this quote from Nipsey not long ago that said
“I want every penny that’s mine. I don’t want a penny more or a penny less.”
I love that, just give me what is mine, I don’t need more of what’s not mine. I want to speak my truths and learn about my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings while being open-minded and respectful toward others.
Then I remember something on this forum that I shared about finding my own truths in the books I read. I don’t fully copy anyone else as I did years ago, I read and take out what I can use. That’s what works for me.
Now that I’m doing that with religion, it has become such a fun ride. I have been connecting more to God/Jezus with prayer and reading the bible in the morning. I don’t read the bible in an ego way of “Show me why this is true” No, I read it more like “Let’s see what kind I can learn from all this wisdom” Since I’m doing that, I feel this calm feeling in my body. I gave myself permission to explore and Seek my Truth
Edit: I found the post.
It’s funny that for many questions I asked myself these days, the answers to those questions are already answered weeks/months/years ago. I forget to check my journals and learn from my own experiences/wisdom. The paradox in calling my journal the Seeker of Truth but forgetting to look at my own truths. This mind of mine sometimes
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I was talking today to a new woman that just started working at the school I teach. I don’t know her age, I think between 38-45. We had such a wonderful conversation about not being able to have small talk, religion, faith, and more. We almost agreed on anything. Sometimes we have this, that we talk to someone that knows us after one second.
There was also this uhm… sexual tensions? 
(I’m 27 btw)
I don’t what it’s with me and an older woman haha. They have so much depth and experience that I find interesting. I remember I “dated” a woman when I was 21 and she was 33, it was so much fun. I tried dating girls my age or younger, but it just doesn’t work. I’m genuinely interested in the other person, I’m not interested in this hot/cold, hard-to-get game (I know how to play it), I just want to share deep thoughts and talk about the unknown. They also have less ego because they are “losing” their beauty. Something I find really attractive in women. I don’t know, let’s see where this is taking me haha.
I felt a bit irritated before writing this. I had this urge to get some candy or something, just something sweet. Instead of doing that, I decided to share my thoughts and see what would happen. It’s mostly boredom I guess. Now that I’m typing it gives some relief. Still getting used to doing things even after my workday. It just feels so right and unnatural at the same time. Normally it’s Netflix, smoke, and chill 
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So much has happened today, I can’t even describe it. I’ll try to sum it up:
- Standing still is dying. I have to keep repeating this to myself. I am here to work, explore, create and innovate. That’s my path and god keeps reminding me of that. I’m not here to netflix, I’m not here to chill. For me chilling is going into nature, walking a dog and being with families. Outside of that, the only thing that gives me peace is the grind.
- I was making an assignment that my mental coach gave me. I had to write down the peak moments in my life and what kind of values are attached to them. One of the things I wrote down was how happy I was when me, my mother, stepdad, and my best friend went to Dinant on the weekends and to France on Holiday. No internet, no cell service, Way up in the mountains and nature with starts and pure silence. God is missing that. I miss having a family, I miss not being alone. It makes me tear up every time I think about it. I know it will come, I know this pain is learning trying to learn me something. But man I miss having a family. Everybody died or left.
- "It is incumbent upon you to be with the Muslim group and you must avoid disunity. Satan is with a single person and it is far from two persons. " [At-Tirmithi]. I should strive to be around people as much as possible. When I’m alone, the weirdest thoughts are coming up. I have to pray or call somebody. That’s something that I learned today while talking and debating with my Muslim friend.
- I drank Kambucha because of my Leaky Gut, apparently which contains a very small amount of alcohol while on the bottle it said “Could contain trace of alcohol”. As a recovering addict was like well then it doesn’t have any alcohol I guess. I drank it and my brain went “Now your not sober anymore, you have to start at day 1 of sobriety” I know why he did that because it gives this “Aaah fuck this shit, I’m so done and because it’s day 1 I can drink again” Haha no no addicted brain, I’m 30 days sober and I’m proud of it. That shit doesn’t work on me. This idiot brain sometimes, it’s insane what kind of thoughts it gives.
Much more has happened, but this is all that I could sum up right now. Will share more later. It’s been a lot of struggling with my ego these past few days. Was felt that I was the most important man in the world and that the whole world is about me. It’s this inner child that was neglected and started to rise up again. I should not forget to keep talking and nurturing it, otherwise, the bad side of myself is coming up. The insecure, scared little kid that shows that weak boy shit behavior.
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I don’t really know how to start this post, so bear with me.
Jezus is coming into my life. I don’t know how to explain it differently. It’s a very confusing time for me right now. I do not understand why I start to believe in the Bible and God. I can’t rationalize it and I’m always rationalizing my circumstances. But time after time again, things are coming on my path that make me feel like a Christian and it’s beautiful and scary at the same time. I meet new people that are helping me on this path, but at the same time, so many things and people are trying to get me off this path.
I don’t want to offend anyone here, I’m just sharing my experiences. Since I’m focussing on my faith, people from everywhere are trying to get me off it. My bonus parents were scared when I said I was reading the Bible. A couple of days I told them that I got confused and that I’m maybe a spiritual person more than a religious person “Oef we are so relieved, We were so scared that you were starting this heavy religious path because it’s bad and manipulative”. It gave me this strange feeling that something is not right here. Also, I’m surrounded by Muslims, people I have always admired and respected because their values were close to mine before I went into religion. My students are mostly Muslims because right now in the Netherlands you can make a lot of money as a freelancer in healthcare (Something I find funny/stupid because it contradicts their religion completely, something I keep reminding them off. Only do this work with your heart, not for money). For some reason, since this week they are asking me if I am a Muslim. I said no, but I’m learning about Christianity and Islam, I tell them this because a teacher needs to be neutral in my eyes and I’m still honest because I did read the Koran a bit and listen to different kinds of speakers.
I swear, in every class I was teaching, people were trying to convert me to Islam. Saying that Christianity is bullshit, that you should not follow that religion, and that it’s not the truth etc. etc., etc. But like crazy, I have never experienced it before like this. They are even buying me books that explain why Islam is the right religion and why Christianity is false. The interesting thing is that nobody is asked me how I think and feel about it. They are just trying to push this belief system on me. Some students even had the guts to say that I have an identity crisis
Now on the other hand I met 2 Christian guys. One is a student and another is a teacher. They said interestingly that you’re focussing on Christianity. How does it make you feel? What are you reading and what are your thoughts about it? It made me happy and grounded to talk to them, it didn’t feel like an attack. After a couple of days while talking with this person he asked me:
"This sounds maybe a bit strange, but do you have this warm feeling when you think about the Lord and the Holy Spirit? I was shocked, how did he know that? The words Jezus and God make me feel kind of fuzzy, it’s almost impossible to explain and they knew exactly what I was going through. Just this feeling of pure love and warmth and kindness.
Not one of them told me that Islam was bad, they just said how they looked at it. They just asked me what I was feeling and were happy for me that I am starting to get this one on one connection with Christ. One thing that struck me the most, is when this student told me “Just pray, it’s your relation with god, not mine. He knows all the answers” Something I needed to hear instead of trying to rationalize and find answers only God can give me answers to.
That’s what I’m doing these couple of days and my life is… I don’t know, can’t even explain it in words. It feels like the world is changing around me, things don’t look the same. I feel happy, sad, and confused.
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John 15:16
King James Version
16 Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.
…
It was the same for me. I wasn’t looking for him in my past, but he found me. I’d say everything that’s supposed to happen, is 
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Thanks, brother, seems like it is
Nothing interests me at this point. I don’t know what to do honestly except for work.
Tomorrow I’m going to grab a coffee with another freelance teacher and then going to meet some family. This Sunday I will go to church for the first time, but outside that, I don’t know.
Normally I would eat badly to mask the pain, today I did it because I had honestly no idea what to do. I don’t know what to watch on Netflix or Youtube, I don’t really know what to do. Does it feel like a void or something? I think because of all the things that are happening, something is shifting inside of me. I think after being an addict for quite some time, I honestly don’t have any hobbies haha. So the things that I did before while high, are very boring to me nowadays. I don’t like bing watching things anymore, but I also don’t like to work like a maniac as I did before. I was living so much in extremes before understanding that I have an addictive brain.
It just feels weird, I’m going to read something and go to bed I guess. Just riding the wave.
Oh last footnote, I did unintentionally keto today. I did my green shake in the morning and some big omelet with veggies in the afternoon. I was so sharp and focused on work, I forgot how nice it felt to have this feeling of focus and fulfillment. After that I was walking back home and did not feel any desire to eat something sugary, I just did because I didn’t know what to do. Normally I have to do it because I feel this urge, but now I just did it out of habit/routine. Not good, but at least it’s progressing.
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I was in heavy recon the last couple of days. Trying to seek answers that only God knows the answer to. All good tho, though I’m glad I didn’t do anything stupid and was respectful towards myself. One thing that AA is teaching me, is that I should not get angry at my brain, that only makes it worse and it’s true. I still have some resistance to calling myself “addicted”, but that’s because of the meaning I give to the world. Some fellows told me that being addicted means almost nothing to them anymore since they are sober for years, but they say I AM to remind themselves that they have to keep working/prayer otherwise they fall back.
Once an addict, always an addict. It’s a harsh thing to say, but it’s the truth. I’m starting to realize and respect that. I have tried everything, doing dopamine detoxes, meditation, and training 6 times a week. You name it, I tried it. I have to accept that I cannot control myself and I have to give it to God.
I’m starting to accept the things I cannot change, having the courage to change the things I can, and having the wisdom to see the difference.
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I have that prayer framed, I keep it in my bedroom. Once an addict, always an addict. We need constant vigilance and reliance on a higher power always.
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I went to see my family to give my step-brother some presents. While being there, I had so much built-up energy that got stuck from all the experiences that I had these last couple of days. When everybody was away and I was sitting with Marlies (Bonus mother) and we talked about the religious path I’m on right now and how much it’s confusing me at times. When I read something and listen to certain people, some other people say the complete opposite. It’s the same with every subject in the world, everybody has a different opinion with valuable resources to back it up.
I was focussing too much on how I should live as a Christian and what I can’t do anymore instead of the joy and love that it gives me. I have been trying to rationalize it and do it the best way I possibly can. I forgot that focusing on religion is something you do with your heart, not with your head. I’ve been too much in my head lately and it’s taking a toll on me. I think I should lay off RoM for a couple of days and give myself a break to gather my thoughts.
Tomorrow I’m going to Church for the first time, really looking forward to it. Just enjoying the people and the new experiences and not judging myself on how I should be a good Christian or what else. Just enjoy the journey and everything will be alright.
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