Playing a role: i can so identify with that. Lately, I’ve even pulled back from expressing myself (or even trying new expressions) for one reason: I’ve had this sad reminder, oftentimes right when I’m expressing myself verbally or nonverbally, of “who are you pretending to be NOW?”
For ages now, I’ve detested being phony. And without some healing, I was a slave to it. I even don’t write much presently since the same question I wrote above surfaces quickly. Because I like to express myself. I like to share with others. I’m home alone right now, and I’d trade it instantly just to be real around others. That lie kept my heart and emotions safe for a long while, but I’m seeing it keeping everything in now, and that is time lost. Life lost. And love lost.
Presently, I (know) I’m procrastinating making changes since…“cool, healthy people don’t jump around so much” (my social insecurity). But you made a statement in a prior post which is exactly where I’m at. You sought food or other nice escapes to avoid an inner uncomfortableness. You said even walking didn’t take it away.
–I’ve been home in bed all day, and I had plans to get out and get a haircut and so laundry. You know…“be PRODUCTIVE!!” I began resenting these old busy routines since they don’t help me feel happy anymore. I can’t hide behind an illusion of growth just by doing them. My old resort is…to possibly go backwards when old illusions don’t work. I’ve been here a week or so–no, a lot longer. Old escapes attract me. Because going forward seems filled with “only facing pain”.
Note: old pain doesn’t bother me as much anymore. It’s present pain, which I’m habitually creating, which is hard to face. Lying to myself keeps this active.
And last night, I even considered asking on the forum point blank: “which sub can keep you from lying to yourself?” I’d used another vendor’s sub years back, not expecting that truth to pop up in me. But it put light in my darkness, and I value that experience greatly. I still own it, but the old feel from his culture tells me “hell no”. I don’t want that.
I do own RM and spent a little time on it years back. I’ve just been recirculating fear in my mind lately, which is partly why I’ve shared so much here.
I’ve not dumped in a while, but I relate a lot to your sharing. This is your journal. Not mine. So thank you for sharing what is possible on these subs.