Jim's Journal - The Seeker of Truth (RM/RoM/LE)

2023 is getting close and it’s time for a new chapter in my book. This journal will be about me exploring my “I knows” and learning to express them in the most authentic way. To not lie and manipulate or pretend to be somebody else to be part of the group. To feel accepted and not alone.

After this 1-year journey healing journey, I am starting to feel like a new person, but that new person isn’t new, it’s my true self that’s slowly coming up and passing my built-up ego to express itself to the fullest.

I was scared to start this stack because it’s the definition of becoming free. Have been listening for 1 week now before starting this journal. Let’s say I’m looking forward to what it will bring me.

Much Love! :tulip:

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Every time that I do something that isn’t me, I first get angry, and then I get sad. For example, when I get the urge to watch porn, I know this urge comes from wanting to have real intimate contact instead of watching it. When I want to eat badly and still find it difficult to not eat sugar, I know this isn’t me but the younger child that always used sugar to comfort himself and change his internal state.

This combination is more powerful than you can imagine. I feel my ego is just dissolving and it’s trying to fight something that isn’t there. I wake up angry and try to run from the emotion by doing things like eating and training. Then I realize what I am doing, stop my behavior and instantly feel grief about that personality. Then the thought comes into my head “The only thing I truly want in life, is to be myself”

I have been going from unconscious behavior to conscious behavior. Now I’m still making the “Mistakes” but I recognize them in 2 hours instead of 2 months. RoM is helping tremendously with that.

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Tomorrow I’m going to do some magic truffles. I feel ready to explore more of myself. I haven’t done it for around 2 years and now it feels like it’s the right time. I’m nervous, but it’s more of a healthy kind of nervousness.

This has to be RoM working together with RM, but mostly RoM. It guides me into the ways to get to know myself better. And now I feel this is the right choice.

Oh also with Christma, my “bonus” mother bought me a book called Braving the Wilderness. I’ve read 30 pages and it’s amazing. It’s the exact knowledge I need right now to help me on this journey. It speaks so much to me, it’s crazy. I’ve only experienced that with a book that’s called “Can’t hurt me” by David Goggins.

I feel like RM makes me my most authentic self. It guides me into expressing and feeling my truest self. RoM amplifies that immensely and foremost spiritually. It gives me knowledge, insights, and a calmness of mind. I have been journalling way more in my notebook than before. Ideas are just pouring out of me and I feel like writing down all my emotions all the time.

I’m grateful for that. Normally I strived to be happy. I don’t feel happy right now, I feel sadness and anger. But it feels more fulfilling than chasing pleasure. It feels liberating.

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Oef, yesterday was heavy. For anybody that’s in the process of “ego death” or as you want to call it. I would strongly suggest using some magic truffles. It’s the only thing apart from deep meditation that made me detach from my identity. There was one moment it actually felt like dying.

I got many insights after using shrooms with RoM. I’ll try to name most of them:

  • I’m scared shitless to start my own company on the 1st of march. I know it’s the right choice, but damn it scares me.
  • Family means more to me than my career, but without a career I can’t take good care of my future family. I love the idea that I can provide for more people and that I have responsibilities. I’m getting in contact with my masculine side, but in a healthy way
  • I want to stay in healing mode, but my conscious tells me to start living life again. It said in a soft voice “It’s time to get your shit together”. → Especially about money and health.
  • The urge to be completely myself is insane. It’s like I just have to say what I think and be who I am. Don’t adapt to the world, let the world adapt to me.
  • I used smoking weed to get closer to my feelings and it helped me tremendously, but now it’s time to let it go. I feel the strong urge to go sober for a couple of months.
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I feel empty inside. Like there is a hole inside me that irritates me. I tried things to fill it up like eating and walking, but it seems that nothing external can fix it. When I really focus on the feeling I start to get angry/irritated and then a couple of tears then it’s gone. 10-15min later the cycle repeats. Anger → Grief → Sadness, it’s the same routine over and over again.

This is a weird fucking period in my life. I know it’s good but damn it is also confusing and sad.

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My intuition tells me that this is RoM’s way of releasing that feeling and its related issues out of you. But take comfort. It is the dark night of the soul but very soon the dawn will come.

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Funny that you said this. A couple of weeks I had this realization as well. I’ve always looked up to people that really suffered and then came out stronger. Those people with real-life experience and hardship. Today I was meeting with an old friend and he said the same to me lol. He said I don’t know many people that are 27 and have seen and done so much as you.

I realized that all this struggle from my 16 to my 27 has been a blessing. It sucks, but it’s a blessing. I feel way more comfortable standing in front of the class because I have the experience to back it up.

I still feel insecure about myself, don’t get me wrong. I have some vision of what I want in life, but I don’t feel ready yet to act on it. Maybe I need more experience and more dark nights to really find out what I want in life and who I am.

One thing changed tho, I don’t see my life as a disaster anymore. Like Goggins says “God hooked you the fuck up, he was training you to become something different”

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Another point I want to make is how important people are to me. I’m very extroverted, but I’m picky when it comes to making new friends. A part of this is resistance, but also a part that wants me to be my most authentic self amongst friends. Today I could be completely myself without holding back thoughts. It gives so much energy and power to be with the right community. I really need that in my life

After talking to my friend for hours. I felt this urge to start my business in march. It was the first time in months that I became inspired to start again. It was like I needed a friend of mine to remind me why I want to start for myself in the first place. I’ve been so focused on this healing journey that my ambitions went to the background. Nothing wrong with that, just different phases in life.

Lastly and honestly this pissed me off a bit :joy:. Why do girls react so differently when you’re back on purpose…? I remember @AlexSQ was talking about this as well with his wife. When I’m in healing mode, it seems that people want to stay away from me. I don’t look attractive because there is almost no confidence and clarity when you’re going through trauma. It seems paradoxical to me sometimes.

After talking with my friend, I was sitting on the train and was researching accountants and a business coach to help me figure it out before march. I was in the zone and motivated to work and find the answers. This girl kept looking back at me and trying to make eye contact, I wasn’t really paying attention to her because I was locked in on my research. Then I went out of the train and another girl could not stop looking. I was walking on the streets and 3 girls tried not to look but just had to look.

Like really? Apparently, we are not good enough for who we are as men, we need to provide and have a purpose. I understand it, but it just feels so shallow sometimes. One part completely understands it from a primitive standpoint, but my soul sometimes thinks “Really? Without that, we are not worthy or something?”

I’ve had a successful business in the past. To be fair, I have more respect for people that try to forgive life when both their parents died in a car crash than one entrepreneur that made 1 million with his business. But I understand why our primal needs are working like this. It just sometimes feels unfair to people that are really working on themselves.

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Rom is amazing, it just gives me the knowledge that I need. Right Now I’m relaxing after talking to so many different people today. It gave me so much energy and inspiration. I’m thinking why I don’t network more while having strong communication/social skills, it’s maybe my biggest asset. I really don’t mean this to be arrogant, but 95% of people like me instantly when they met me. I’m very good at being myself while adapting to a group/individual I’m speaking with.

I live in Utrecht near Amsterdam. There are meetings almost every week where you can meet other entrepreneurs or people with the same interest. I don’t even have social media, but that should not be an excuse to meet new people. It’s a feeling of resistance that makes absolutely no sense at all.

Networking is almost the most important part of business and I’m really good at it. Why the hell don’t I use my talents more?

RoM helps me to see the things that are right in front of me. It’s like its destroying some type of wall.

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Women just love men on purpose because it means you’re in your masculine core. You enjoy life etc.

Just good energy. :grin:

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Starting things while not feeling ready is a strange feeling. I feel it’s time to start for myself. I see that the world is giving me opportunities without trying to manifest them or set goals. I feel this energy in myself that says “It’s time to slowly start moving mate. It’s time to heal and build at the same time”.

But I also feel that the next 3-4 years will be building years. Experiencing new things, going through trial and error, and failing time after time. So I decided to hire a business coach that can help me move through my ideas and visions and make it more straight with clear goals.

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I’ve been attracted to RoM since it’s a spiritual title, but I didn’t think it had a healing element to it. I know you came off of DR recently, and it’s likely still working in you, but do you think RoM is just reinforcing needed change to stabilize your emotional life?

I ask since I’m wishing to move into real life myself. I, too, keep looking to healing titles, and it seems never-ending. I’ve not been sure which direction to go, even if it were right in front of me.

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You have been on a long healing journey, that’s for sure. I think it’s possible to keep healing while not running actual healing titles except LBfH. I think RoM reinforced the subs that I have already played. Like a booster of some sorts.

Another thing and only you know the answers to that. When I was wishing to start my life again, that was for me my escape. It took me months before I finally let go and start working with my ego. Work or my purpose, I didn’t care one bit. Now I have to start again, but I would rather be in healing modus, I’m starting to like it to feel sad, grief and pain. That was when I knew, now is the time to start moving again. Because the healing starts to become comfortable. I don’t know how that is for you.

It’s the combination of the stack IMO. For me, a lot of pain came from now expressing myself. Most people that are healing are in “deep” “rest” (depressed) because they are playing a character instead of being their authentic selves. So RM helps you learn more about yourself, and feel comfortable letting out your emotions. Honestly, I still feel like I’m healing, maybe it’s even amplifying. But I don’t feel that “Pushed on my knees” kind of feeling from healing titles. That you just want to lay on the couch and be miserable lol.

RoM will be the sub for that particular problem brother. Really, it helps me so much with direction. Even when I know don’t know where to go, I have faith that everything will be alright. I hired a business coach, I’m expanding my network by meeting new entrepreneurs and people and I’m focussing on releasing emotions because I know that holds me back. So again, RM with RoM is for me the ultimate “Starting life up while expressing everything that came up after healing” stack.

So RM is something you have to decide for yourself. For me to be my most authentic self is my ultimate goal in life. I love being myself and only myself. I think every person in the world deserves that.
RoM gave me that vision, RM made me act upon it.

But RoM will help you for sure. It also gives a peace kind of vibe which I really enjoy. Like a clear mind.

Good to hear again from you bro, I remember you were supporting me and answering my questions when I was just starting here on SubClub. Thanks for that, I wish you all the best in 2023 :pray:

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Playing a role: i can so identify with that. Lately, I’ve even pulled back from expressing myself (or even trying new expressions) for one reason: I’ve had this sad reminder, oftentimes right when I’m expressing myself verbally or nonverbally, of “who are you pretending to be NOW?”

For ages now, I’ve detested being phony. And without some healing, I was a slave to it. I even don’t write much presently since the same question I wrote above surfaces quickly. Because I like to express myself. I like to share with others. I’m home alone right now, and I’d trade it instantly just to be real around others. That lie kept my heart and emotions safe for a long while, but I’m seeing it keeping everything in now, and that is time lost. Life lost. And love lost.

Presently, I (know) I’m procrastinating making changes since…“cool, healthy people don’t jump around so much” (my social insecurity). But you made a statement in a prior post which is exactly where I’m at. You sought food or other nice escapes to avoid an inner uncomfortableness. You said even walking didn’t take it away.

–I’ve been home in bed all day, and I had plans to get out and get a haircut and so laundry. You know…“be PRODUCTIVE!!” I began resenting these old busy routines since they don’t help me feel happy anymore. I can’t hide behind an illusion of growth just by doing them. My old resort is…to possibly go backwards when old illusions don’t work. I’ve been here a week or so–no, a lot longer. Old escapes attract me. Because going forward seems filled with “only facing pain”.

Note: old pain doesn’t bother me as much anymore. It’s present pain, which I’m habitually creating, which is hard to face. Lying to myself keeps this active.

And last night, I even considered asking on the forum point blank: “which sub can keep you from lying to yourself?” I’d used another vendor’s sub years back, not expecting that truth to pop up in me. But it put light in my darkness, and I value that experience greatly. I still own it, but the old feel from his culture tells me “hell no”. I don’t want that.

I do own RM and spent a little time on it years back. I’ve just been recirculating fear in my mind lately, which is partly why I’ve shared so much here.

I’ve not dumped in a while, but I relate a lot to your sharing. This is your journal. Not mine. So thank you for sharing what is possible on these subs.

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I realized today that things that I qualify as behavior from the ego, are actually myself. It’s coming from my most authentic self, but I used it in a different way than it was supposed to be. I’ll give an example:

I like to perform, I like to teach, make people laugh, and have the feeling that I’m playing. It’s a vulnerable way to live, especially as a kid. Throughout the years I started to get hurt like every kid, so I began to use my performance skills to hide my insecurities and Lie. I’m insanely good at lying. Now when I do it, I catch myself in the act and don’t do it that often anymore. But still, I can lie almost perfectly and show the world that everything is okay. Nowadays I’m getting so extremely honest that I have to tell the truth. I think after 1-2 cycles of RM, those lies are almost gone. I just have to say what I think in a respectful matter. I only speak what I know is the truth, I don’t have to make the world believe that my world is perfect to be accepted.

So after working with the ego, I just decided to let go of the performance. Not trying to be somebody that I’m not. I felt so empty that I did not really groom or made my hair. I did not train for months, partially because I have an injury at the moment. But also because of not want my confidence to grow while healing. That maybe sounds weird, but for me it was necessary.

Now I’m starting to see that communication, talking, speaking, teaching, and networking are my biggest assets. Yes, I used them wrongly, but that doesn’t mean it’s not me. It is me, just expressed in a wrongful way. Now I’m learning to perform again but in my most authentic way. Especially when I’m standing in front of the class.

I’m slowly starting to fall in love with my failures. I’ve heard countless times that you should fail and fail big and learn etc. But you have to experience it so much that it clicks in your brain. I’m starting to accept the years of trial and error and the more lessons that are needed to be learned. Years ago, when I was 21, an astrologer told me that from 0-30 my life would be extremely difficult. It was needed to water the seed so that it can grow the mightiest tree. I forgot about it and 6 years later after doing more astrology, I’m starting to finally accept that and start embracing life. I’ve been hiding out of life because I didn’t want to get hurt anymore. Now I’m starting to see that all that pain is good for something.

And that’s exactly what RoM is doing. I’m so impressed by this sub. It took me 3-4 weeks to figure out this stack, but it’s absolutely amazing. I’m so thankful for Sub club and the programs that you guys make. It’s still mindblowing that a 15min track can change so much internally.

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Thank you for sharing so openly about your experiences. Especially because I’m learning from you aswell and it’s reaffirming to see that you also come against the same obstacles in life as me. I also related a lot to the post you wrote before mine.

I’m glad to see that you are sharing your thoughts. I’m also somebody that can keep thinking and overthinking because I’m alone. Being alone can sometimes be a dangerous thing. I’m glad to see that the old pain is not hurting that much anymore. Now it’s time to start healing it in the present moment. I think you’re on the right path. Thanks again for your honesty.

I do not mind it at all. Feel free to share your thoughts and insights here if you’re not ready to start your own journal yet. I actually appreciate and enjoy your shares here. It gladdens me to hear that the experiences that I share are valuable to you. :wink:

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first day at the office after 1 week of holiday and 1.5 week of this new stack. It was difficult to start up, especially because it was only answering emails, preparing my classes and meetings. Because of RoM/RM I’m starting to understand who I am and what I want. The administration work became much harder to do. This happened as well when I was using Stark and working at this job. Not that I really dislike it, because soon enough I will only teach there as a freelancer. But still, I don’t really feel like working lol. I just want to sit, think and feel. Maybe it’s a bit of resistance because I have been smoking weed a lot. Anyway, I have to look for a productivity sub to balance that out.

It’s very important to have the right kind of people around you. Today a colleague that I really like was talking about investing and the risks that it brings. He said, “well when the world goes like it’s going right now, you just have to spend less”. So I replied with “Or you can just make more and don’t have to worry about that”. Not that I blame him for that thought, because subconsciously I have the same belief. But I’m trying to remove it and go all in on my business and the freedom that comes with that. The last couple of days I was meeting all sorts of different people. They inspired me, made me think, and honestly made me better by just their presence. I didn’t have to think about what I could or could not say. I could express everything that came to mind.

That kind of freedom. That is what I want.

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I’m fighting for dear life right now, at least that’s how it’s feeling. Because of this:

I was almost tempted to join Narcotic anonymous lol. Just to be around people that understand the difficulty to have addictive tendencies. Maybe it’s me ego, but I really don’t want to join that type of groups. Maybe because I find it difficult to admit that I have addictive problems. But also because deep inside I know how “easy” it can be to change it.

I was walking to work and out of nowhere I was thinking about Joe Dispenza. That addiction is nothing more than One set of habits that’s trying to create the same feeling that it has before. I’m starting to realize that the things I used to be scared of, is now becoming addictive. I just want to smoke a bit, focus on the pain, and then release my emotions. Because after not releasing any emotions for about 10-15 year, it feels so amazing to just let go. But deep down, I know, it’s time to start moving again.

I have been off weed/alcohol for many months without any problem. The only reason I started using again was because I feel alone, or I was bored. Going to meetings won’t solve my problems, going out and meeting new people will. But damn, the resistance is insane at the moment. I can’t describe you how much I want to run away from everything right now.

It feels good to be so honest about it

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Okay, I got it. I understand why the recon was extremely high and it’s still high. The programs want to be executed. RM makes me want to express myself all the time in the way I want to. Yesterday one colleague told me “Is everything okay”? I replied, “Nah not doing very well but I’ll be alright”. I wanted to say “No bro, working here drives me nuts” The boring office work is killing me with an RM and RoM stack.

But I know it’s necessary. Without that job I have a problem, it is the perfect start-up for my business. One thing I know and feel the most. I have to get my shit together before starting this business. I need to have a solid foundation.

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Very interesting you should mention that because this just cleared a lot up for me.

Ever since running RoM, the “ego” is coming back stronger. Even getting me back on track with Wanted.
And I was like, “Hmm, do I like this part of RoM? It’s making my ego stronger.” Trying to go back and forth with the necessity of the ego and all that.

Now I realize, after you realized (we must go deeper) this is just who I am. Deep down.

Now, of course, one does not necessarily HAVE to FULLY be his true self. Some things don’t serve you and can be undone/changed. Other things are potentially NOT your true self, but what happened to you and you took it on as your persona.

Either way, it’s a deeply reflective sub, but also a liberating one. At least for me.
You enjoy yourself more because it is who you are.

We seem to have a very similar experience on RoM. You have a bunch of Gemini placements by any chance?

Saturn in Sagittarius?

This is precisely why I dig RoM so much over general healing subs. The healing in RoM lets go and accepts without bringing up negative emotions, so you can keep functioning. It’s a much smoother process!