Jim's Journal - The Seeker of Truth (RM/RoM/LE)

My Saturn is in Pisces. My Mars, Jupiter, and Venus are in Sagittarius (The 5th house) and Pluto in the 4th house. I’m kind of new to Astrology, have been learning about Human Design and Numerology. I Did a reading 2 weeks ago. I have almost none Gemini placements in my chart that I know of.

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Here you go.

I’m glad to hear that! I have the same thing with the ego. That you get some type of permission to start living again? I can’t really explain it, RoM makes you start really living life again. You also get a ton of recon when you’re not doing that.

Wanted is still the ego sub IMO. I’m scared to run that one lol. How is it going for you so far? I know you have done a lot of healing.

Exactly this. But I think this is because we have used so many healing subs. I hated when people said this a couple of months ago lol. You really need to go on at least 6+ months of healing before you start touching the “good” stuff. At least when you have underlying issues that keep pushing you back.

I think RoM is working on us this way because we did the foundation work. But that’s just my thought/opinion on the matter.

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Weird how yesterday was one of the worst days in a long time. And today is one of the best work days that I have had since I started to work here. I was sitting with my 2 favorite colleagues who were sitting upstairs as well. We had so many deep conversations about life, the occult, and religion. It was beautiful. I was fully focused when I was making my lessons. Having internship talks with my students and their supervisor online when I was not talking with my colleagues.

On the last call something funny happened. This guy Mohamed was the supervisor of one of my students that studies social work. For some reason, I really enjoyed how he was presenting himself and the way he spoke. It resonated with me for some reason, I can’t really put my finger on it. He was a youth worker like I did years ago when I was studying Social Work. He was like where did you work? So I explained the places and he was like “If you’re looking, we are having job interviews right now”. I was like alright, I will swing by these days to also see my students working in real life. I don’t know if I want it or if they even hire freelancers, but it was still a sweet manifestation.

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I’m glad I took the time to figure out what kind of sub I was going to use as my 3th sub. I listened to AM with RM this morning and it gives a great boost of confidence, grounding and clarity. Many things about my business are becoming way more clear. Things like starting a youtube channel, knowing that my coaching/teaching works best with the youth (16 to 30 years of age) and that I just have to do, not overthink to much. I also feel that it’s time to start transcending like I said before in this journal. I know this will be very hard, but the Universe are giving me multiple signs that it’s time to start moving again. I have to get through the resistance and I feel AM will help me with that.

Now I understand why I said this. Like I said, yesterday I had so many great conversations and could really express myself. When there are things that have more value to me, I don’t feel like smoking/drinking. It has to do with the lack of deep social connections and purpose in life.

I told my friend @Houdini over text that I had some struggles with quitting weed after my healing period. He said:

“Your Will is meek. Find a desire that excels far above and beyond your Desire to smoke weed and it will fall with ease”

He was spot on.

That’s also the reason why I know starting a youtube channel will help me express myself as well. But I love to work on something that’s creater then myself. The same goes for networking that I’m doing more of. Those are the things that fill something up inside of me. Before I always got mad that I need people to perform in life. I like to be alone, but that’s not my path in this lifetime. I should see and know so many people and be known for my service. It feels empowering to say that out loud.

Another thing is to remind myself that we have so much polarisation in this world, that it is normal to feel “disconnected” sometimes. I am reading a book that’s called “Braving the wilderniss” that explains how spiritual depleted we are as a human race right now. I’m starting to understand that I can change this by my presence alone. By helping people understand that part of themselves agian and enjoy life to the fullest. In my opinion she defined spirituality it the most beautiful way that the world needs nowadays

“Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.”

This communitie gives me that kind of connection.

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Oef the recon is really heavy on AM :joy: I’m really irritated and just pissed after listening today. Even when writing this I’m pissed that I can’t type as fast as I normally do. But I have seen it work instantly tho:

  • Today I was buying a coffee at work and out of nowhere I had this feeling that said “4 euro for a coffee is a waste of money”. I just felt like I should not do it, I should be more respectful to my money
  • A Colleuge wanted to go for a walk, I said yes but deep down I felt that I wanted to keep working.
  • Feeling angry and motivated. For some reason I’m really pissed. I think it’s some emotion that’s coming up.

I know this was a good choice, I’m grateful for this recon.

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I woke up terribly today because I ate some chips yesterday. I was frustrated by my bad night of sleep and I didn’t want to get out of bed. I did, took a shower, and went to the gym. I was so sad and angry that for some reason I keep falling back into the bad habits. That this part of me is holding on for dear life.

When I was walking back from the gym, something occurred to me.

That part of me will never go away. I have tried for years to “kill” it, but it is who I am. I’m that insecure, addictive, junkie kid that hides away from the world because that’s how he learned to deal with his problems. I was already addicted to playing video games when I was 11. My parents didn’t really know how to deal with that and I don’t blame them. I was gaming, watching porn, and eating unhealthy for many years. My daily ritual was monster energy with hamburgers after I came home from school. Then I started to smoke weed around the age of 14. And started to smoke every day from 17 to 22. After my 22nd birthday, I wanted to change my life and started my self-development journey.

I’m 27 now and I’m still that kid. I have been trying to get rid of it, but now I’m starting to understand that it is what it is. I still want to run away and hide from the world subconsciously and that will not go away. I’m starting to understand what people like David Goggins mean by “My mind is still weak, I have to discipline it daily”. In my mind I thought “This will be gone in a view years as long as I put the work in”

I thought wrong, my urge to smoke weed will be there, and my urge to eat badly will also be there. Even when it’s not there for weeks because I’m in the flow, it will come back when adversity is crossing my path.

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I’m going to a NA meeting tomorrow morning. For some reason, I feel resistant to going there. If there is one thing that I learn so far. When I do the things that give me resistance, they are the most rewarding.

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I called my Journal the Seeker of truth, well ask and you shall receive lol.

I went to the NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting in the morning and it was uncomfortable. Initially, I was fine but after hearing more stories and shares from other people, I became more nervous. I felt that I wanted to stand up and leave the group; I had never expected to get that feeling when I joined that meeting. It was weird for me to get hugs and people starting to clap, I was open but still judgemental about it. When it was over and I walked back home, the reasons not to go were popping up like crazy.

Luckily I knew this was resistance, and that means I had to go there. It’s weird, I have always said that I have addictive tendencies, that it’s better for me to stay sober and I have addictive parents, etc. But going to a group like that makes me sad. It feels like a step I never thought I have to take to handle this problem. I have coached clients towards better lives in the past and now I have to admit that I can’t control this problem, that’s fucking with me in a good way. It’s a very vulnerable thing to say and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’m glad I did so much “preparation” so to say last year with healing traumas, shadow, and ego work. But I really did not see this coming. It’s like some sort of force is pulling me towards it. I just know I have to go there and start that process, it will bring me so much good. I have honestly never experienced that kind of honesty with a group of people. And that’s exactly what I’m learning right now, to be completely honest and always speak the truth.

Therefore, this post :pray:

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It all feels really empty right now. I forgot how boring life can be without being high. I’m coming to the conclusion that I don’t really have a hobby. I don’t really know what to do in my spare time outside of personal development, reading, and watching a movie. Looking forward to expanding my horizons and learning new things about myself. Who knows, maybe I’ll start at a ping-pong tournament lol

But I’m proud of myself that I made this decision. I know it’s the right one.

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Pfoa, insanely withdrawn symptoms. I went to bed at 9 PM and woke up at 11 PM thinking it was the next morning. The whole night I slept like 30-45min and then I woke up again. I am tired, irritated, and angry and I have insane brain fog at the moment. The first night was not that hard, but the longer I don’t use, the heavier the withdrawal symptoms.

I have had many breaks from smoking weed, but this feels like the heaviest one. Maybe because my subconscious knows that this time I’m for real. Because I joined NA and told many people that I live sober now so they will hold me accountable.

It’s also important to dial back a bit on the subs. I don’t mind recon, but right now recon is a dangerous thing to have while detoxing.

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I can see that God is entering my life in a more visible way. I’ve been a spiritual person since I started my journey when I was 22-23. I believed in a higher power and sometimes I felt him when I needed him. Since I’m surrendering more to life, I feel him even more. Some examples:

  • I asked a colleague if I could go to his church this Sunday. He was so surprised and happy and was like yeah of course you’re more than welcome.
  • My friend bought me the Koran and another book about his religion. Looking forward to reading it
  • My classes are becoming more about belief and religion without even trying.
  • A lot of bible verses are coming on my youtube feed out of nowhere and I listen to them with so much joy. It’s not that I’m drawn to one religion, I just want to explore more of it.
  • Of course, going to NA that’s is all about finding your relationship with god.
  • I have been looking into the different bibles and doing some research about which one to buy.

Maybe this is RoM working as well.

I was exploring the concept of depression in combination with addiction with my students today. It was a wonderful conversation with different people with different backgrounds in culture and religion. One thing stood out for me. One female Muslim student said “When you move something bad out of your life, you have to change it for something good” For her, this is her religion.

Maybe that’s why I’m getting more in touch with god and with my spirituality and religion. It’s a strange feeling. It’s not happiness or sadness.

I can’t really describe it.

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I was watching Life of a King tonight, what a fantastic movie! I would really recommend it, especially if you love teaching and chess. One of the mottos of the film is “Always think before you move”. For me, long-term planning and thinking about the consequences of my actions are not that developed yet. Especially with money and planning for my business and work. For some reason, this is difficult for me.

I think AM with RoM is going to help with that.

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Can’t describe the fucking rage I’m feeling right now. Man, I am pissed.

I know my anger is a disguise for sadness, it’s energy that gets stuck. Mostly I do weightlifting to deal with my anger but my body is so extremely stuck that my chiropractor told me to not train until I get loose again. I have not been able to train fully since 2021. I should meditate and stretch more, but in my mind Fuck that. I need to let out my steam and I feel stuck right now.

Jezus christ wtf is happening right now

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This anger is coming up because I try to fix the problem myself. I get angry that I have to admit that I’m addicted and that I can’t control it.

This morning I woke up so angry again and went straight to the gym. I didn’t care that my body was hurting, I started to train harder than I have done for one year. I was so done with all these “pains” and muscle problems. It was absolutely awesome to finally let all that anger out. For the first time in months, I felt peace without using any substance.

I made an appointment with a trigger point specialist here in the city. I do not have the money for it, but I’m done with this problem. If I want to stay sober, I need to have my outlet in training. That’s my therapy.

I told God that I need help with this. I can’t do it alone.

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There’s a lot of judgement here for that past self. Indeed you can’t kill it. More than likely that part of you needs acknowledgement for the past pain.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned addictions don’t just happen. There’s always a story or root cause. If you were playing video games obsessively at 11 you may have been trying to escape something in your environment.

Also it’s the job of the parents to look out for this stuff and help. If your parents didn’t know how to deal with it, sweeping it under the rug and hoping it fixed itself is not a valid strategy. Did they get you help? How did they try? Or were they hands off and placed the burden on you? Some parents think kids “should know better” but they don’t. This is their first exploration of life, the parents project their years of experience onto the kid and completely fail to realize they need guidance.

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I have been acknowledging it for about 4-5 months now. Saying it’s okay and that I love “you” on the moments that I get frustrated. But you’re right, there was a lot of judgment there in that post. Today at the NA meeting some guy was telling me about how hard he was for himself, and that it only made it worse when he did that. He just finished university after living on the streets for years. But still, he wasn’t happy with himself because he should do more. I resonated with that. I am proud that I have not used anything for a week, but it makes me mad that I can’t control my eating habits.

It’s funny that you say this because I was visiting my grandmother today and we were talking about this subject as well. She said “Your mother should’ve never become a mother, that was not in her path” and I understood what she said. My mom was a very free creative person that couldn’t express herself properly because nobody told her how to. Her family was very demanding about school and grades. She had her demons and was sexually abused. She tried very hard, but she could be emotionally manipulative as hell. One time my step-dad almost filed a report for mental abuse because she could kill you with words. On the other hand, she was the sweetest person in the world. Nobody taught her that it was okay to be her most authentic self before she died.

My dad was raped when he was very young. So he was a heavy drinker, but never physical or an angry drunk. He was just trying to cope with the pain. He didn’t know where it came from until he was 51 and went to a hypnotherapist. He left me when I was 11 and after renewed contact when I was 14, he left again for good when I was 16 to live in Spain with his new wife. That also really fucked with me, but I just waved it off. I got used to people leaving me and not holding their promises.

I remember when 5-6 months ago that I told my dad on the telephone “Question, why did you leave me to go to Spain?” and he said, “Well because I felt like going and I just had to go. When I feel like I need to do something, I do it”. You could hear in his voice that he just didn’t understand the consequences of leaving your child. He didn’t do anything on purpose, he just has to deal with his own life. I remember when I moved to Spain and went back to Holland after a couple of months, he told me “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you’re looking for” and that was an emotional moment for the both of us.

So both my parents had to take responsibility for something they didn’t want to take responsibility for. That doesn’t mean that they didn’t love me but they were just not capable of helping me. Also, they argued all the time with a lot of vocal fighting in the house. I tuned out by gaming and later in life using drugs. It was my coping mechanism to deal with living in a chaotic household. After that when I was living with my mom, it was difficult because instead of my dad, I got all the emotional damage from her when she couldn’t handle her own emotions.

I have a good relationship with my Dad now, I don’t blame my parents for not being there. He is more a kind of buddy for me than a father, but I made peace with that. He sometimes calls me because he needs to vent about his problem, I know this is not the way it should be, but that’s the relationship I have with him. I understand that they had their own demons and that it was hard to raise a kid that way. I believe all that struggle made me who I am today and it will serve me now and especially later in life. When I teach about depression, addiction, and childhood trauma to my students, I know exactly what I’m talking about. Yesterday the subject was grief and I explained how I grieved when my mother died and how I run away from her for years. I don’t teach something I learned from the books, I lived it. And to me, that’s always more valuable than being a theorist.

It’s not that they didn’t try, they just couldn’t do it.

Looking back at this post, No way in hell I could type this 1 year ago. I’m kind of shocked how honest I am about this. It makes me happy in a weird sense.

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Damn that’s heavy. Thanks for sharing though.

You clearly know your stuff and I agree lived experiences regarding this stuff always has greater value than pure theoretical understanding. I don’t follow enough journals on here to get everyone’s background, so I apologize if I came off as presumptuous. Hard to tell sometimes when things like that come up. Hope things continue to improve for you.

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Not at all, brother. Your questions were the reason I took the time to type it all out, and for that I thank you. I like it when people are direct and honest towards me and make me think about my shares here. I do not get offended that easily. I think your statement about the judgemental part was spot on and the questions were honest. That’s all I ask from other forum members, to be honest about their thoughts.

I was born and raised in Amsterdam tho, we are known for our directness haha.

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I decided to change AM for LE for the time being. It’s not that AM is bad, but I feel that LE helps me build in some disciplines that I need. For an instant, this morning was the first time in 1 month that I did a morning meditation for about 30min. It was the change beliefs meditation of Joe Dispenza. It’s so weird how well that one works, but still, resistance is strong when it comes to Joe Dispenza meditations. This makes sense, because it works deeply on me. I have been eating badly for 3-4 weeks straight now. Every day I was eating something unhealthy.

Today is the first day that I eat clean without that much resistance. I was focussing on the belief “I only love to eat healthy, healthy food makes me feel amazing and I don’t need anything outside of me to change my internal state” Well it worked! Sometimes these types of meditations (And subliminal) feel like you put the disk out of the computer, rewrite it, and put it back in instead of shouting to the monitor lol.

Also start to clean my room and cook for the rest of the day. The morning was absoluut hell tho. My mind was racing and I was extremely angry and pissed until me friend came. I find it difficult to be alone these days. The moment that I’m alone, all the negative thoughts are coming up. Still didn’t use tho and I’m happy about that!

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I was watching a scene from an episode of daredevil today. There was a moment the girl was standing in the middle of the woods and I heard the silence of the woods. Can’t wait to live in nature in the future, far away from the city. I know right now is not the right time, but man I’m looking forward to it.

I did the meditation again today and it helped me so much with my anger and pain. I will do that meditation every morning when I wake up for sure. Looking forward to the new meeting tomorrow

Interesting, do you have a label for your beliefs? You say that you can feel God’s presence in your life, how does that feel like?

Since God has helped you before and you have a special connection with Him, I wonder if for you developing a stronger personal connection to God will be your way of healing, growing and developing yourself as a human being. This could be through meditation, prayer or some unraveling of the deeper layers of your soul so that you may be closer to Him. That’s what I feel will help you :pray:

I tell you: ask, and you shall receive; seek, and you shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and everyone who seeks, finds; and to everyone who knocks the door will be opened.

Luke 11:9-13 FBV

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