Update.
I just wanna live without fear. It’s such a pointless and destructive emotion. I can’t hardly think of a situation where fear makes your life or your performance better. What a racket fear is.
Total Reprogramming, BL, Dancer
Cycle 1 - Day 11 - BL, Dancer
Mood - annoyed.
I’m irritated. I had it so good with Wanted and Emperor. Every day I wonder why I stopped running Emperor and Wanted for Khan, must just be recon. Clearly, it wasn’t that amazing or else I wouldn’t have stopped.
Khan is just full of friction, friction all the time. Maybe Emperor and Wanted were too, I think I selectively ignore the challenges of Emperor and Wanted when looking back. I did have a hard time of it for quite a while.
There is something different about Khan that I really don’t like. On Total Breakdown it was unbearable, and on TR it’s bearable but still there. I can’t tell what it is. Something about Khan seems dark. It seems like Total Breakdown and Total Reprogramming work a little differently than Emperor but I can’t place it.
It feels like Khan makes use of negative reinforcement to cause a change in the user. I feel like I’m constantly getting punished for not doing what I ought to be doing, but then at the same time, I have no motivation to do what I ought to be doing because I’m constantly in a state of depression, fear, or anxiety because I feel like I’m constantly getting punished. I feel like I’m being kicked while down. I feel like the dog in the operant conditioning lab that’s been electrocuted so long that it’s learned to be helpless.
It’s like, I get it. I get that I’m still full of fear, anxiety, and sadness. I GET IT! On Emperor those things weren’t thrown in my face constantly–so I actually started getting over them. On Khan it feels like shit is just constantly being thrown in my face. Feels like I’ll just keep getting kicked until I stand up and fight back. I HATE THIS TYPE OF DYNAMIC. HATE IT SO MUCH.
Hard not to blame the subliminal, but I’m really not sure.
I’m not even sure if Khan is actually different. Is it subliminal or is it me? That’s what’s really difficult to tell. I’m remembering when I started meditating, for a long time I actually got worse. That’s a pretty common thing that happens to people when they start meditating. They actually get worse at first before they get better. When this happens, some people stop meditating because they think the meditation “caused” the bad mental states when in reality, the meditation just uncovered what was already there.
So, is Khan just uncovering what’s already there, or is it screwing with my head? I don’t know. This is yet another recon rant. I’ll just tough it out until the end of the cycle and then go from there. I’ll keep up the “no changes until the cycle ends” rule. That’s the only way I’ve found to navigate recon.
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I feel the same way, I’m not exactly having the best time right now, but I know I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do. The way that I look at it, Khan’s goal is to turn you into a diamond, and to do that you need to go through some amount of pressure. In my opinion, this type of challenge will lead to the fastest change and the most long-lasting.
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I resonate with that. So, when I was on Emp and Wanted (think we were both on at the same time) I kinda felt like an actor. It worked, but I didn’t feel deep congruence most of the time.
On Khan, when I do feel high, it feels deep and natural. So I hope that the pain is just what it takes to create the deep, congruent transformation that I’m looking for.
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I’m probably going to quit Khan because its a constant annoyance. Maybe it’s just not my program.
There’s been some good stuff that’s come from it but maybe it’s just not for me. If I do quit, then the lesson is simple: stop making commitments you can’t keep.
I feel like Khan is for a dude like Dave Goggins and other hard-core dudes. I love guys like that, respect the hell out of them, but do I really wanna be one? Maybe I just don’t want to be that guy. I’m at war with myself constantly. Heck, even saint doesn’t run Alpha titles because they just aren’t his deal.
I still don’t even know who the Khan is! Haven’t made it that far yet.
This game is about who I want to be just as much as it’s about what I want. I want what we all want. Money, power, Yada Yada, but there are many paths.
Heck, I still want everything (except college) that this journal is about, but maybe Khan just isn’t my path.
Gotta love recon.
Think I’m tapping out boys. 2.5 months of constant suffering with not a lot to show for it. I think I’m better off using titles that vibe with me–that’s how I’ve gotten this far.
Nothing lost. Everything is a lesson.
Have you shifted over to Khan V2? The primer is shorter so it should help with your recon. If that doesn’t work, I recommend you move to stage 3 or 4 and stick to only using 2 subs. It could just be that your stack is too dense.
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No, I didn’t know Khan had been updated with the new tech.
I’m very on the fence about Khan, but shortly after the rant I did experience some positive results. I’ll finish the cycle and go from there.
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Screw it. On Khan for the long haul. Gonna finish like 3 cycles of TR, then push through the rest of the program. Run ST4 for like 3 cycles, then cycle back through the whole program to clean up any loose ends.
Gonna drop BL to make this shit easier.
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You can update to the new tech middle cycle since the script is the same.
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Yeah, change is just hard man. I don’t know why I always forget that change is just hard. It’s against our natural instincts. If it was easy, everybody would do it, but it’s not.
I need to focus myself. I’m unfocused and as a result, well it makes the journey harder than it needs to be. Part of TR is figuring out what really matters. Great people focus. They are amazing at a few things and getting good at something requires focus and letting other things go.
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Total Reprogramming, BL, Dancer
Cycle 1 - Day 13 - Total Reprogramming
I’m going to stay on Khan. It’s been a bumpy ride, but the pros far outweigh the Khans. Heh…
Following my flirtation with recon (where I resolved to quit Khan forever and join the circus) were several social manifestations taking place one after the other and all of them generally positive and in line with my goals.
Today, I went to the gym (added 10 lbs to my bench) and spent the last several hours drafting a long update that detailed my plan to move forward in life and into the new year. While writing the update, and thinking through the problems and solutions facing me, I realized that it would take far more work than I imagined, so I tabled it for tonight.
A small taste of the update is this: the importance of discipline, focus, and schedule for me to achieve my goals and a comprehensive plan for the next year, and 4 meta goals for the next year. I realized that the maximum number of goals I can have at the moment is 1 primary goal, and then three smaller goals of lesser importance.
By December 12th, I will have a comprehensive update and plan for how I will move forward with Khan and in life. Until then, I’ll continue to update normally.
Drafting the update was a pretty big, positive result from Khan and it uncovered much of the man that I’m becoming and the values that he holds. The update that I drafted also uncovered a lot of the wisdom that I’ve gained from my short time with Khan and gave me a lot of hope for the future.
There is much work to be done. It doesn’t have to be this hard, but there are certain things that I’m unwilling to let go of, which means that I need to work a lot harder, and plan a lot smarter. If I only had 1 meta goal, it would be easy. 2 a bit harder. 3 harder. 4 about the maximum that feels possible for me.
Listened to a talk by Neville Goddard yesterday and at one point he said, “just make a decision.” Well, that’s what the next two weeks will be about, just making a decision–4 decisions to be exact. If you never make a decision, you’ll never get anything amazing. Make a decision.
P.S.
Thanks, @Dark you did make me pause and reconsider myself and my commitment to Khan and myself.
Commitment
Refine, polish, think through, and finish the long update/plan by December 12th.
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I’m glad to see that you will be sticking with Khan. It’s a long journey but the reward will make it more than worth it.
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Total Reprogramming, BL, Dancer
Cycle 1 - Day 14 - Rest
I just spent the last hour working on the Long Update Project–hand writing in a journal. Yes, I got some good self-discovery out of it, but I also got a massive result that I can’t explain.
It’s been a long time since I’ve handwritten, and while handwriting I noticed that my thinking, energy, organizational skills, fluency, and so much more was different…it was a bit uncanny and I can’t really do justice to the experience but the “feel” was totally different. So, I’ve changed and changed more than I thought.
Subs Are Funny
It’s so funny to me how you can’t really see the change until you see it, then it’s so obvious.
Total Reprogramming is a really great subliminal. For me, it’s bumpy, there’s been some recon for the first 2 thirds of this cycle, but it’s working, it’s just subtle. It’s hard for me to really notice how profound the changes are. So far, it appears that my mental space has shifted dramatically from the last time I tried to journal longhand. My relationships are also changing in a positive way.
I’ve been thinking and what Total Breakdown really did for me (that I could notice) was show me exactly what was buried deep inside: pain, fear, anxiety, paranoia. I’m glad that I ran it for as long as I could stand. I’ll revisit it in the future.
I don’t need to be perfect right now, I just want to get better, day by day, and TR is doing that for me.
Got a social event tonight, wish me luck bros.
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Update.
Social event went okay. I was more calm than I normally would be around these particular people. I didn’t speak too much, but the energy was better. This was a bit of a test of my progress.
On the upside, I did gain some valuable information about the people around me. Maybe Khan was telling me to keep quiet because it’s more socially powerful in this particular situation. Maybe it was just showing me room for improvement. Regardless, my subconscious knows what I want, so I’ll just relax.
Didn’t get any recon, so that tells me that I didn’t make any glaring mistakes.
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Total Reprogramming, BL, Dancer
Cycle 1 - Day 15 - Dancer BL
Some results I’ve been able to notice recently.
Strength Increase: added weight or reps to all my movements, even training with the minimum effectivce dose–total body twice a week.
Lack of fat gain: Even with a completely crappy diet, I’m still maintaining a lower body fat percentage than I otherwise would have before starting subliminals.
Sexual Preformance Increase: Increased stamina and sexual skill. I was already good in bed, now I’m better. I’m less sexually anxious, that’s for damn sure.
Decreased Anxiety: This is a new result from yesterday. Anxiety is generally decreasing now that TB is finishing processing and TR continues to process.
Better relationships: Relationships are improving. People are talking to me more, trying to get closer to me.
Increased Confidence: A growing feeling that I actually can do what I say I’m going to do.
Increased Power: Certain aspect of power are increasing. Less attachment to emotions, fewer social blunders, ability to remain calmer and less reactive during confrontation.
Mental Reframing: Thoughts and memories come up, but the way I respond to them is different, sometimes dramatically different.
Increased ability to get in touch with reality: This might be a byproduct of BL (BL increases meditative ability). More and more frequently then mental chatter switches off and I’m hit with this feeling of appreciation and awe where I realize “This is my life, this, right now, I’m living it.”
Increased Mental Visualization Abilities: My mind is becoming far more visual than it used to be.
Increased Mental Organizational Skills: My thoughts are generally becoming more organized.
Looking Forward
I might never overcome the awe with subliminal club and maybe I don’t need to.
My Khan journey thus far has looked like this:
Excitement. Everything in my being was ready for Khan, ready for the challenge, ready to create the deepest change humanly possible and truly become the man that I wished to become.
Horror. My first loop of TB caused the most chaotic and intense recon that I’ve ever had with a subliminal product. That evening, I screamed, I cried, I was the most emotionally raw, terrified, and hopeless I’ve been since I was a teenager.
Bravery. Dispite the constant pain and suffering of Total Breakdown, I finished a full cycle. My relationships were deteriorating, my finances were wrecked, everything was going to hell, but I kept moving forward, trusting that this program would cause something good to happen to me.
Payoff. On the final day of washout, after my first cycle of Total Breakdown. The sky cleared, and for the first time in 3 endless weeks, I felt a sense of calm and serentiy. In that moment, I could finally see that Total Breakdown had done something positive to me. Suddenly I had a deeper awareness of myself, specifically of the disconnect between myself and reality as it actually is. It was really special.
Bravery become Recklessness. I dove back in to Total Breakdown, adding a third title to the mix (my physical shifting custom, Dancer). The recon was intense, and the physical manifestations became too much to bear. Financially I was ruined, I was being confronted constantly by everybody around me (or so it seemed), and all my friends and family started to grow more and more distant. Something needed to change, it was getting too risky. True or false, it felt as if I was about to lose every single person that I cared about all at once.
The Wisdom of Knowing My Limits. I quit Total Breakdown. It was too much at the time. Again, was it right or wrong? I don’t know. It felt as though if I continued that I might lose a lot more than I barganed for. I had already strained every single relationship so I quit TB after three loops, took 6 days off, and started TR.
Welcome to Instant Results. I started Total Reprogramming, and got some social results the very same day. What a massive relief.
The Rebuild. The three loops of TR last cycle stopped the downward spiral. People started coming back into my life. The intense negativity lessened, and I started to feel better.
Recon Returns. I started this cycle (the first official cycle of TR) and, as has been reflected in this journal, there has been some recon. TR isn’t easy either and it was never meant to be easy. The pain of change made me want to quit.
The Recommitment. I recommitted to Khan after an uniterupted string of positive manifestations.
Today. TB was taking me down in to the lowest depths of myself in order to heal. TR is taking me higher. TB shows you the lowest. TR forces you to try a little harder everytime by holding you to a higher standard. I’ll save Total Breakdown for a future time in which I have more liberty to break down.
What I’m Going to Do Today
I’m going to work on the Long Update Project right now, and then I’m going to go out with a friend tonight.
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Update.
I did a stand up comedy open-mic tonight. It was the worst possible case scenario, with the best possible ending. I didn’t bomb, nope, I did get some laughs, all improve. Khan forced me to face this fear tonight.
What is Khan doing? Khan is working with my subconscious to create an underdog story. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s not just making me the man, it’s making me work for it. It’s making me embarrass myself and overcome. Khan is a beautiful thing, man.
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Total Reprogramming, BL, Dancer
Cycle 1 - Day 16 - Rest
Added weight to all exercises in the gym today. Felt pretty good. Minor recon. Positive social manifestations: people actually respect me.
Total Reprogramming, BL, Dancer
Cycle 1 - Day 17 - Total Reprogramming
Ethereal Presence is in effect now. The physical shifting custom is working rather well. Strength continues to increase, physique is generally improving, still holding at about 15% body fat or less without much effort. I’m instinctively becoming more diet conscious, so that’s cool.
The only complaint is that I want to work out more often, but I won’t let myself. Exercise needs to stay at the minimum effective dose. Part of this journey is learning how to structure my life according to my priorities. Exercise is 4 hours a week max and it’s working better than I could have imagined. Sometimes it really can be easy. So easy that you over complicated stuff by putting too much effort where it isn’t required.
Fitness goal is simple: be strong, healthy, and sexy–that doesn’t require much time in the gym.
Total Reprogramming, BL, Dancer
Cycle 1 - Day 18 - Rest
Ehh, I’m bored with life. I need to find a way to make it more entertaining. I need to find enjoyment or create the enjoyment.
Been getting some small social results, but I’m kinda listless and lazy recently.
Be the change you wanna see. I’m gonna be the life of the party. I’m gonna make people feel good. People are gonna want to be around me because I raise their states.
Total Reprogramming, BL, Dancer
Cycle 1 - Day 19 - BL, Dancer
Ran both. I half considered dropping BL, but that’s recon. I need to constantly remind myself not to fix what isn’t broken. I’ll reassess the stack at the end of washout. If I drop a title, I would drop BL.
Khan Total Reprogramming is a wild ride. It feels subtle, very subtle. I still miss the deep internal power of Emperor. Of course, that internal power is still with me, it’s just hard to bring out with the constant recon from Total Reprogramming.
The road to Khan complete seems so long and far off–it’s at least 5-7 cycles away–but I’ll get there when I get there. I might as well enjoy the Total Reprogramming ride, and boy, has it been a ride.
I’ve felt like I’m rebuilding myself from scratch. I was broken down to my core, a core of pain, fear, anxiety, self-loathing, and anger. Now I’m rebuilding, brick by brick, I’m rebuilding. Every day is tough, but I make less mistakes, I get a little better and a little better.
What I still find tough is that Emperor seemed to just activate the latent power within, which made it easier and more effortless.
Of course, I need to keep reminding myself that I dropped Emperor because I believed I needed to suffer to really change at my core, so I got exactly what I asked for.
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