Cycle 1 Washout Day 5 (Still)
Hmm.
Yeah, there have been some big changes, but I’m not really sure I can put my finger on what they are. Maybe it doesn’t matter?
It seems like my social situation has shifted again. People are suddenly being very kind to me, approaching me, trying to talk to me. This has been happening more and more since I started TB. It’s a very different energy that people are projecting toward me and it’s an energy that I’m not familiar with. I can’t tell what it is. It seems like I’m more approachable than I used to be.
I’ve never been approachable, I’ve always had an intimidating, unapproachable aura. Oh, on that note, that aura that I used to have, was one of many things that I realized I tried to beat out of myself due to being in traumatic situations. I feel like I need to say more about this:
Khan has shown me that many of the qualities that I want in myself, I ALREADY HAD ALL ALONG. Many of the qualities that I want, actually showed up in my personality in early childhood, but they were repressed and beaten out of me by abusive parents and partners over the years. Case in point, emotional non-attachment. That was a skill that I gained as a young boy and it served me well, but over the years I was forced by society to become a bit of a narcissist because I thought that my emotional non-attachment (a healthy and useful skill) was somehow wrong. So what did I do? I started dwelling on myself and my own traumas (because that’s what everybody else does) and slowly but surely, I lost the ability to be emotionally objective and traded it for being delusionally self-centered and a victim.
Why was this beaten out of me? Because I was surrounded by misguided and hurt people who didn’t understand what I was doing. I would make detached, objective comments, and my parental figures would freak out and misinterpret my objectivity and detachment for a lack of empathy. Here’s the reality, my parental figures were both highly emotional, self-centered, and incapable of viewing the world for what it actually is. Because they always became overly emotionally attached to every little thing, they thought that I was wrong for not doing the same thing. What they didn’t understand is that it’s totally possible to be emotionally detached and objective and still have a deep level of empathy for other human beings, as I did.
This also brings up memories of my empathy as an early child. I remember becoming a vegetarian early in life once I realized what eating meat actually meant. I was tortured by the thought of other animals dying to feed me. This empathy that I felt as a child, is where my emotional detachment came from. I had to learn how to cope with the overwhelming feelings of empathy for people and animals, so I did so by learning how to detach and be objective, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t care. Actually, now as an adult, I realize that the ability to emotionally detach is one of the most valuable skills that one can gain. When you can emotionally detach from situations, people, yourself even, you can make the best possible decisions. When you aren’t clouded by emotional attachment, suddenly the right choice is obvious. I’ve seen glimpses of this ability coming back into my life recently.
Now, years later, I’m trying to regain the skill of emotional non-attachment so I can be more objective and effective in my life. Emotions aren’t the enemy, it’s emotional attachment and self-centeredness. The problem is getting lost in the storm of emotions and no longer being able to act and think effectively.
Other News
I might not do the full 3 cycles of Total Breakdown. I have a rule that I can’t make any decisions until the washout comes. I’m at the end of cycle 1 washout so I’ve decided to run a second cycle of Total Breakdown, but I can’t decided on a third cycle until the end of cycle 2’s washout.
It’s very possible that I won’t do a third cycle of Total Breakdown. The healing is good, but my life is very busy and high stakes right now, so I feel like I can’t spend another 6 weeks in recon not really doing much, time will tell. Both arguments are convincing. On the one hand, the more I heal, the better the results. On the other hand, the sooner I get started, the sooner I get results. The path that I’m leaning toward is: heal just enough and then move on for now.
I can always run TB again next year after I finish the whole program.
Anyway, I don’t know what I’m going to do and I won’t know until the end of the next cycle. All I do know is that I’m going to stay with Khan because I feel like the door has been shut behind me and I might as well keep going forward. I’ve already cracked my psyche like an egg, why stop now when much of the hard work is already done? That’s the funny thing about these subs, they make it really difficult to stick to plans because you change so much and so quickly that a plan made 3 months ago just no longer makes sense with who you are.
