Homecoming [ASCENSION SOLO]

Journals - Major Programs
#32

Day 7

I woke up feeling extremely tired. Didn’t sleep too well. Felt like I was having intense dreams throughout the night, though they weren’t vivid. Got prepared and went out for an early morning jog.

Now usually when I go out for a jog I don’t pay attention to people. I’m solely focused on the task at hand. But today I noticed I was more conscious and sensitive of people’s reactions towards me. It was also pretty annoying to jog today. Cars and people kept getting in the way. Might have to start going earlier from now on. Also had a couple of smartasses throw sassy remarks my way.

Got back home and had a good workout. No longer felt tired. Then I freshened up, ate breakfast and went out to the mall.

I was uncomfortable the whole time I was out. Also felt like I was getting more stares than normal.

Throughout the evening I felt down, tired and weak. Also had a bit of cough and cold. Though it got better in the night.

All in all today was a bit rough. No interesting changes to write about

2 Likes
#33

Day 8

I listened to 1 loop of ultrasonic by 1:00 am before going to sleep. Had a really refreshing nap. Woke up by 8:00 am feeling good, also a bit lazy. Decided not to jog or workout today. Spent like an hour going through this forum till I got an urge to check out fantasy books. I haven’t seriously read a fantasy book in years. Last one I read was ‘The black guard’ by A.J smith, which I really enjoyed. Had fun discussing the book with my classmates back in high school. So I searched up the best fantasy books and downloaded mistborn trilogy and maladan. Unfortunately I got bored and stopped reading before I even finished the first pages. Then I played 1 loop of Asc. chamber.

Next I went to the kitchen to make breakfast. I felt lazy(in a good way) so I decided to just do the bare minimum instead of trying to make something fancy. Was also feeling a bit zen. While I was preparing breakfast my mom walked in and began waffling about the usual. Noticed I didn’t feel agitated at all, nor did I feel the need to respond. I was also talking in a lower tone than usual. I felt like I was Jeff Goldblum or a stoner, just chill and good vibes. I was also pretty forgetful, had to tell my sister to repeat the details of the conversation we were having. Also asked my mum for her credit card pin multiple times.

Noticed that I wasn’t being desperate/obssessive over results. Usually I obsess over whether It’s working, whether I should listen to masked or US, whether I should listen to 1or 2 loops and so on. I need to get comfortable with the fact it will take some time before I see profound changes.

2 Likes
#34

Woke up feeling good. I had a bit of energy and eagerness to go out and do something in the world. Even began dancing in my room. I later decided to go out for a jog. Noticed that unlike yesterday I didn’t give a damn what people thought. I felt a bit free and confident. Like if someone said something sassy towards me id be able to retort back. After jogging I did my workout as usual.

Later in the evening I decided to go out to play football. I’ve been wanting to go for a while but haven’t because of fear. I was afraid of having to interact with strangers.

My social anxiety went through the roof after high school. Even though I was always shy and reserved I did make a lot of friends in high school. In college I was a ghost. I was there for 4 years and made zero friends. I guess being in college with such a large number of students, more onus is on you to interact with people, which I avoided. Missing lectures certainly didn’t help either.

Unfortunately when I got to the football yard it was empty. So then I decided to go to a college nearby. I got to the football pitch and saw a group of people in a circle passing the ball. I wanted to approach them and ask why they weren’t playing team vs team and whether I could join their little game. But I decided not to because I was afraid.

Next I went to the basketball court. They were 3 people in the court practicing their shooting and dribbling. I wanted to ask one of them for the ball to have 3 shots, but I decided not to because I was afraid. There were a group of boys next to the court practicing American football. So I just stood there and watched them for like an hour.

Eventually a group of people came in the basketball court and they started playing 2v2. I wanted to ask if I could join but seeing as they were already 2v2 I didn’t bother. I saw a free basketball by the side of the court and starting thinking if I should take it and play on my own. I spent minutes contemplating until I finally decided to take the ball. I dribbled up and down the court a couple of times and attempted a couple of three pointers. Then one of the players in the 2v2 dropped out due to fatigue and I volunteered to fill in. Unfortunately another player dropped out so we couldn’t play a 2v2 anymore.

I then took a shot with the ball I was with. One of the other guys took it on the rebound. He started dribbling with the ball a bit and taking shots. I kind of expected him to pass it back to me but he didn’t. And for some reason I was afraid to ask him to share the ball with me. Like if I’d just asked he most likely would’ve given it to me. He then began competing in free throws with his friend, while I watched on. I still wanted to ask for the ball, but I didn’t. I guess I was afraid that I would seem a bit confrontational. So I just stood there, watching, thinking, until the sun went down. Then I packed my bags and left. I’m not going to lie this stung me a bit. It was a reminder of how low my self esteem is and how much of a pushover I am.

4 Likes
#35

Definitely relate to this, seems like avoidance is easier but the sting of regret and frustration is all too common.

I praise your level of awareness over your actions and choices, the good news is, you can work on changing this one situation at a time.

The worst that can happen is whoever can refuse, or reject or turn down. So you kill them with kindness or say thanks anyways and bounce.

I appreciate the post, very relatable. I assume from the post you’re not in the U.S? Getting a euro vibe

2 Likes
#36

Day 10 - 13

I haven’t updated the journal for a while cause there’s hasn’t been anything interesting to write about. I haven’t noticed any results for the past six days, nor have I felt any effects from listening to the sub. Am I stonewalling or something?

I’ve been thinking of going out and doing something uncomfortable like approaching some women to help push the sub. I’ve also been thinking of switching to ascended mogul a lot. The reason I picked ascension over it in the first place was because I thought I could cope financially in the short term, but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. So i’m most likely going to make the switch.

2 Likes
#37

It’s called “the honeymoon phase.” And is completely normal.

Subliminals start really intense.

They give you a taste of what the full program feels like.

Then, it can sometimes feel like you lost all the results.

But you didn’t. Your mind is just adapting and is currently at the “omg this is too much i need to go back to the way things were when I was boring and safe!” Phase.

All you need to do is be patient and wait for your mind to slowly adapt to the new way of being you’re suggesting to it through subliminals.

I went through this and literally everyone goes through it.

A few minutes ago AlexSQ posted about it too and I wrote up a metaphor on how we all do this in our daily lives too, not just with subliminals, and its just something we do as humans, not anything to do with the subliminals not working.

So read the post but also feel free to take a 2-3 day washout to get some results blooming again, if you like. I wouldnt switch subs right now though… thats not a logical decision based on the facts. Its your mind wanting something new due to boredom and the loss of euphoria that comes from a new sub. Switch to AM after a cycle or two, but no reason to change subs at the first sign of boredom.

3 Likes
#38

Day 14 - 15

  • Listened to 1 masked loop by midnight

  • I haven’t gone out for a jog or worked out since day 9.

  • For the past few days I’ve averaged 30 mins - 1hr per day watching porn.

  • Maladaptive daydreaming is still under control though

  • For some reason I feel like I’ve gotten a bit taller.

1 Like
#39

Is this more, less, or your normal amount?

#40

Yeah.

#41

I was asking you if it was more than usual or if it was less than usual, but I guess you’re saying its the normal amount?

Ok just checking because sometimes that can be a big symptom of recon.

How you feeling on processing the loops?

#42

Yes I mean it’s the normal amount of time I watch porn for. And as for processing of the loops, I really can’t say. I don’t feel any different on the days I listen/rest days. Like no mental fatigue, no mood changes, no nothing. I’d say my headspace has been a bit negative the past 7 days. Like I’m desperate for results, and I feel like the sub isn’t working. I was going to order asc mogul until I saw your comment that made me hold off.

#43

Malazan is one of my favorites. But if you want something a bit lighter but still awesome, I would recommend The Wheel of Time.

Won’t recommend the tv show.

#44

WoT is LIGHTER than Malazan?

Well…

I know what I’m ordering next.

Malazan.

Cuz i sure loved WoT

1 Like
#45

Looks like the sub is working too. Abs. Confidence. Cured daydreaming. Rereading your journal I see a lot of results.

#46

She didnt say this to you.

You said it to yourself.

Looks like you’re reflecting on yourself and developing a deep deep deep deeeeep intrinsic motivation to change.

NOT for the money, girls, status, or pleasure.

But because you’re dissapointed in yourself.

You’ll probably have to stew in that for a bit before coming out the other side with results.

But what would be the ideal results you’re looking for?

Not your ideal lifestyle… thats the end goal. But is there an ideal outcome where it could happen this month, and if it did, that would be massive progress?

Progress is always the goal

#47

How would you like to respond to this, in an ideal world, if you could rewrite your response?

With shame?

Or by proving her (yourself) wrong, and using that as motivation to work on flipping the script so that she ((yourself)) doesnt see you as desperate, but as a catch that is doing her a favor by saying he wants to have sex?

Your stonewalling (sudden stop of results) might be resulting from not living up to the challenge your subconscious is giving you

Slow down the loops, aka lighten the burden of the challenge, until you find a difficulty level that challenges you in a way that oushes you instead of breaks you. Maybe listen to 5 mins instead of 15. Or take a 2 day rest. Or an early washout.

And/or rewrite your response to what she said to you

#48

What do you mean by challenge? How do I know when my subconscious is giving me a challenge?

#49

I dont understand. How do I do this?

#50

I mean this.

Maybe your subconscious is getting insanely good results from the subliminal.

And its trying to get your conscious to change, just like it did.

But your subconscious is changing so fast that your conscious cant keep up.

So you don’t “feel” massive results because your conscious just cant imagine doing everything the subconscious wants it to do.

That would be when your dream… your subconscious… told you it was dissapointed in you.

What I mean by “challenge” is the person your subconscious now wants you to be.

Maybe your conscious mind is literally overwhelmed because your subconscious mind is so far ahead of it that it thinks it shouldnt even try, because theres no way it’ll succeed at catching up.

  1. Slow down on the loops so that your conscious mind has a goal it can accomplish, an easier goal, a less gung-ho-excited subconscious to compare itself to.

  2. “Rewrite” your response… change the response that your conscious mind gives to your subconscious. Don’t be dissapointed in yourself and tuck your tail between your legs in defeat. Tell your conscious mind to live up to the challenge! You could do that by choosing to quit porn. Or by choosing to go for a jog every day. Pick a conscious goal that is an action you can take every day. That would be rising up to the challenge your subconscious gave you, so that its not dissapointed in you, so that you can be proud if yourzelf

2 Likes
#51

Day 16

I listened to one loop before sleep and one while asleep. Woke up with this urge to express myself creatively. Whether through drawing, painting or something. Thing is I don’t even know what it is I want to express. Like if I was sat in front of a drawing board with some paint, I’d most likely just be staring at it. I guess I also felt the need to do something that wasn’t online. Something that made me feel more in tune with the real world.

Thing is I haven’t painted before. I did use to draw a bit in high school. I had two creative friends that were really into comics and superhero stuff. They even created their own Marvel/DC like universe. So sometimes I used to copy some of the characters they’d drawn out.

So I looked up on google “how to get started on painting”. Found my way to a website that focuses on teaching people how to draw. Started going through the website and for some reason I found it very unengaging. Like learning to draw ellipses and stuff just felt monotonous to me. I also didn’t want to be good at drawing stuff like human figures. I want to make something from within that’s special and unique to me. Though I don’t think i’m naturally creative to begin with. I don’t really have creative ideas flowing through my head.

I was thinking of going to buy some paint and A4 paper but then I thought to myself "What’s the use? " I’m probably just going to get bored of it and dump it like everything I try to learn. So I didn’t even bother.

I later got the urge to watch Jojo rabbit(I like Taika) so I downloaded it. Also downloaded breaking bad season 5. I watched season 1 - 4 years ago but for some reason I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch the final season even though it’s a brilliant show. Watched the first episode of BB before I switched to Jojo rabbit. Though I didn’t find it to be that funny I had a good time. I was smiling throughout. And the Nazi boy is sooo cute. His friend too.

1 Like