Malazan is one of my favorites. But if you want something a bit lighter but still awesome, I would recommend The Wheel of Time.
Won’t recommend the tv show.
WoT is LIGHTER than Malazan?
Well…
I know what I’m ordering next.
Malazan.
Cuz i sure loved WoT
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Looks like the sub is working too. Abs. Confidence. Cured daydreaming. Rereading your journal I see a lot of results.
She didnt say this to you.
You said it to yourself.
Looks like you’re reflecting on yourself and developing a deep deep deep deeeeep intrinsic motivation to change.
NOT for the money, girls, status, or pleasure.
But because you’re dissapointed in yourself.
You’ll probably have to stew in that for a bit before coming out the other side with results.
But what would be the ideal results you’re looking for?
Not your ideal lifestyle… thats the end goal. But is there an ideal outcome where it could happen this month, and if it did, that would be massive progress?
Progress is always the goal
How would you like to respond to this, in an ideal world, if you could rewrite your response?
With shame?
Or by proving her (yourself) wrong, and using that as motivation to work on flipping the script so that she ((yourself)) doesnt see you as desperate, but as a catch that is doing her a favor by saying he wants to have sex?
Your stonewalling (sudden stop of results) might be resulting from not living up to the challenge your subconscious is giving you
Slow down the loops, aka lighten the burden of the challenge, until you find a difficulty level that challenges you in a way that oushes you instead of breaks you. Maybe listen to 5 mins instead of 15. Or take a 2 day rest. Or an early washout.
And/or rewrite your response to what she said to you
What do you mean by challenge? How do I know when my subconscious is giving me a challenge?
I dont understand. How do I do this?
I mean this.
Maybe your subconscious is getting insanely good results from the subliminal.
And its trying to get your conscious to change, just like it did.
But your subconscious is changing so fast that your conscious cant keep up.
So you don’t “feel” massive results because your conscious just cant imagine doing everything the subconscious wants it to do.
That would be when your dream… your subconscious… told you it was dissapointed in you.
What I mean by “challenge” is the person your subconscious now wants you to be.
Maybe your conscious mind is literally overwhelmed because your subconscious mind is so far ahead of it that it thinks it shouldnt even try, because theres no way it’ll succeed at catching up.
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Slow down on the loops so that your conscious mind has a goal it can accomplish, an easier goal, a less gung-ho-excited subconscious to compare itself to.
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“Rewrite” your response… change the response that your conscious mind gives to your subconscious. Don’t be dissapointed in yourself and tuck your tail between your legs in defeat. Tell your conscious mind to live up to the challenge! You could do that by choosing to quit porn. Or by choosing to go for a jog every day. Pick a conscious goal that is an action you can take every day. That would be rising up to the challenge your subconscious gave you, so that its not dissapointed in you, so that you can be proud if yourzelf
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Day 16
I listened to one loop before sleep and one while asleep. Woke up with this urge to express myself creatively. Whether through drawing, painting or something. Thing is I don’t even know what it is I want to express. Like if I was sat in front of a drawing board with some paint, I’d most likely just be staring at it. I guess I also felt the need to do something that wasn’t online. Something that made me feel more in tune with the real world.
Thing is I haven’t painted before. I did use to draw a bit in high school. I had two creative friends that were really into comics and superhero stuff. They even created their own Marvel/DC like universe. So sometimes I used to copy some of the characters they’d drawn out.
So I looked up on google “how to get started on painting”. Found my way to a website that focuses on teaching people how to draw. Started going through the website and for some reason I found it very unengaging. Like learning to draw ellipses and stuff just felt monotonous to me. I also didn’t want to be good at drawing stuff like human figures. I want to make something from within that’s special and unique to me. Though I don’t think i’m naturally creative to begin with. I don’t really have creative ideas flowing through my head.
I was thinking of going to buy some paint and A4 paper but then I thought to myself "What’s the use? " I’m probably just going to get bored of it and dump it like everything I try to learn. So I didn’t even bother.
I later got the urge to watch Jojo rabbit(I like Taika) so I downloaded it. Also downloaded breaking bad season 5. I watched season 1 - 4 years ago but for some reason I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch the final season even though it’s a brilliant show. Watched the first episode of BB before I switched to Jojo rabbit. Though I didn’t find it to be that funny I had a good time. I was smiling throughout. And the Nazi boy is sooo cute. His friend too.
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Day 17
Woke up feeling like shit. I feel negative and trapped. Lacking abundance. I am trapped by lack of money. I’m stuck at home, stuck with being obedient to my religious parents because I’m dead broke. When I’m financially capable I’m most likely going to ditch my entire family. It’s not like I love them anyway so they’d just be a burden to me. I want my freedom. I don’t want to live a life that’s restricted by religion or financial issues. “You can’t have sex until you’re married”. “You can’t drink alcohol”. Fuck all of that bullshit. I want to do whatever the fuck it is I want to do. No holds barred.
Why don’t I have the drive to get myself out of this mess? No wonder apathy is so low on the scale of consciousness chart. I’d rather have anger fueling me than being apathetic. With apathy there’s no fuel in the tank to begin with.
So I later decided to go out and buy some poster colour and A4 paper. Got back to my room, prepared a table and got to work. I first drew a naked female body with red colour. Then I sketched another curvy female body but this time in a gown, with like a mini jacket . I coloured the top part and jacket yellow, then the rest of the dress was coloured red. I also tried to sketch a character I had created back in high school. His name was Druid (I know not particularly original. Got the idea from merlin). He was a villian who was well versed in the dark arts. I tried drawing him though I couldn’t do it in nearly as much detail as I wanted. Like I’m pretty much a beginner when it comes to drawing. I remembered that his rival was supposed to a hero I created who could control wind. Though I’ve forgotten the name I gave the character.
Just realised that the past week or so I’ve been sleeping pretty late. Before I started ascension I usually slept by 11:00 - 12:00. Now I’m sleeping by 3:00 am.
Decided to deactivate my twitter account. I only followed football accounts but I’m tired of seeing and being influenced by people’s opinions on something I don’t feel knowlegdeable about. I’d rather first build my own personal opinions and views, then decide if I want to be challenged on them or not. Though what’s the point of arguing about sports online? It’s a complete waste of time and mental effort. I’d rather use my time doing something that actually improves the quality of my life.
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I always had it with subs that when they make me feel depressed or make me feel the negativity it was more like opening my eyes to reality and to see my situation in good light so I can find the energy to change it.
A situation 6/10 might still feel like acceptable but if it feels like a 4/10 the motivation to make changes will increase.
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Day 18
I listened to one 5 min loop at a really high volume. I felt like I needed a bit of a jolt.
Dreams
First dream
Dreamt that I was back in my first high school. Was with one of my friends who was wearing a white Real Madrid jersey. I told him that his jersey couldn’t shine as brightly because the worlds colour filter was brown (Kind of like how Mexico looks like in movies with the yellow filter). As we kept on walking the world then changed to my 2nd high school. This worlds colour was normal, no filter. Then a girl popped up beside me, spoke to me then walked past. I found her to be kind of cute. I recalled that she was a girl who one of my friends was hitting on. I remember trying to figure out how many years she was below me.
Second dream
I was talking to one of my friends on the phone and he asked if my room was available for bringing girls over. I told him hell no. He then said one of my other friends(call him Sean) was coming over to my house the next day and he’d be able to find a room for us. So Sean came over and we talked for a while. I hadn’t seen in him years so we had a lot of catching up to do. I don’t remember what happened next though
Third dream
I walked into a kitchen and saw a young lady who was my relative (she was maybe like 10 yrs older). I greeted her. Then I remember seeing an old woman who was cooking in the kitchen and greeting her also. For some reason she wasn’t pleased with the way I greeted her and was voicing her dissatisfaction towards me. Next thing I remember I was in a heated argument with her while arranging plates. I remember I was boiling with rage and shouting at her. I was so angry that I was throwing the plates on the floor. She then told me that I was going to have to pay for the plates and I told her it was her fault for making me break them. Next thing I remember I was a bit fearful of having shouted at her cause maybe she’d report me to some men and i’d be confronted about it.
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Your third dream and second dream especially show massive progress. Your brain’s getting more comfortable with conflict and testing its limits in a safe, dream environment. You set a boundary with your friend, and expressed your anger with the lady. Nice stuff!
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The fact that you’re having dreams is a strong indicator that you are being receptive to the sub. If I’m not mistaken they came after you did 5 minutes of the sub. Maybe 5 minutes is your sweet spot and what can really work out for you.
I too am running Ascension currently and have done so for a year but unlike you I stacked with other subs and honestly wish I hadn’t done that. The fact that you are sticking to Ascension solo is badass you’ll be progressing quickly if you dedicate to just this one for a long time.
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Day 18 continued
The third dream I had was really intense. I could literally feel the rage I had in my sleep. Woke up feeling on edge, like I had just gone through something intense. Also woke up with this specific urge to listen to STARGAZING by Travis Scott. Played it and had a great time. Gave me that trippy feeling which I really enjoyed.
Decided to go out for a jog cause I was feeling like shit. I actually haven’t jogged or worked out since day 9. My mom told me the day prior that she wanted me to accompany her to visit some relatives . The idea of being around relatives made me uncomfortable. So I planned to jog then stay outside for a while till she left by 11:00am.
Went out to the mall with the intention of approaching any girl I found attractive. I hadn’t even showered or brushed my teeth, so I was going in expecting rejection. In my head I was telling myself that getting rejections didn’t matter, and that the whole point of me approaching girls was just to interact with them. I went round the mall a couple of times but didn’t see any a girl I found attractive. I didn’t want to approach any girl I thought was “in my league” cause then it’d be too easy. Probably just my mind playing tricks on me so that I didn’t have to talk to a girl.
Next I went to the airport. Got up to the top floor and began looking down, searching for girls. It felt like I was batman, sitting atop a gargoyle, looking for criminals to prey on. Then it occured to me, maybe I should approach this like i’m batman. Instead of going in expecting the worst, maybe I should go in expecting the best and do whatever I can to increase my chances of success. Also what time of the day does batman operate in? Nighttime. Should I go to a night club? Think it’d be easier to approach given the nature of the environment. Would also be an interesting experience for me cause i’ve never been to one before.
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Day 18 continued
I spent up to 4 hours painting today. Painted three pieces. I wouldn’t say that I particularly enjoy painting, but it does serve as a nice way to pass the time. It’s also a good way to express myself creatively. I just sit down, and try to paint whatever pops in my head. With music playing in my ears, it can be quite the vibe.
I’ve tried looking up tutorials to improve my drawing/painting skills, but I just haven’t found them engaging enough. I guess i’d like to improve my painting skills, but the process to do so just seems so boring to me(probably my ADHD speaking). Maybe i’d enjoy it more if I was being taught in person.
Logged on to Instagram and began checking out my former classmates. Went on a girls account and she had pictures of her eating at fancy restaurants, wearing fancy clothes at fancy events. I then thought to myself that if i’d seen her outside, would I be able to approach her? No. She’s out of my league, what could I possibly offer her?
Got some urges to watch porn, but I resisted it.
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Day 19
I went to the store to buy some food stuff and there was a woman sitting on the cashiers desk, causing a scene. She was saying stuff like “I am not a child”. “My eldest son is 40 years old” to the employees. I was this close to telling her “Damn, you look really good for your age” . But I decided not to, not out of fear, but because I didn’t deem it cool enough to say in that situation.
I noticed that I actually enjoyed talking to the cashier today. I felt like I was smoother than usual in our conversation. When I got home I was also looking for more social interactions.
I was thinking about visiting an old friend of mine. He lives pretty close to where I live. I used to visit him a lot back in high school, but we’ve barely seen each other since we graduated. Normally when I think about going to his house I get thoughts like “He’s cooler and richer than you”, “This isn’t like the old days. He’s grown up. He probably doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore”. But this time I wasn’t thinking any of that. I just felt excited to visit an old friend of mine. Like how I was as a kid.
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That’s a result right there. You’re starting to see the value in yourself. I can tell based on this paragraph that your confidence and self esteem is starting to strengthen. Might not be at the level you’d like it to be but you’re starting to gain the momentum. Also you’re wanting to put yourself in situations that are aligned with the sub which is another indicator the sub is having an influence on your subconscious.
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Right on the money bro.
Day 20
I got prepared to visit my old friend. My self esteem and confidence definitely went up a notch or two today. I was really feeling myself. I even had a bit of swagger in my walk.
I arrived at his apartment building and went inside. The last time I stepped foot in his compound was five years ago. I had this uncomfortable feeling in my chest while I was walking towards his apartment door. I got to the door and knocked twice before his mom told me to open it up. I walked inside and saw that she was sitting on a chair, watching TV. She instantly recognised me and got up to give me a hug. She seemed really happy to see me, and so was I. I sat down and we talked about my schooling struggles for a while. She then said that my old friend wasn’t around but she’d give him a call. She reached him and he said that he’d come back soon. He walked into the apartment ten minutes later. We talked to his mom for a while before we went outside to have a talk.
He rolled up a joint of weed and started smoking. We then began talking about our high school life, future plans and other stuff. We later had his friend and sister join in on our conversation. It was a fucking vibe man. Words can’t describe how good it felt. In that moment we just felt so connected, like we were brothers. He later opened up to me about how he appreciated me for being there for him when his father died. He said that my constant visits really helped him a lot during that period.
Another one of his friends showed up. I listened to them talk for a while before I decided to leave. I bid my old friend’s mom farewell, and exchanged numbers with him. I even collected the number of one of his friends who i’d just met.
I left his house feeling a bit emotional. That was one of the best experiences I’ve had in a while. I could’ve ended the day there, but I wanted more. So I decided to go out to the mall to approach some girls.
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