Hold on, let me overthink this

A time of contemplation, of being alone. How I used to revel in my “space.” I don’t feel lonely, but I often wonder if I should. This is the first time I’ve been truly alone without even a pet for comfort.

There’s an edge to it. A tense vibration at the periphery if I give it focus. It’s so easy to default to inner worlds and the realms of stories.

I’ve done it by choice partly, by covid safety more likely nowadays. It’d be different if the world was safe to roam.

The slight ringing in my ear is the only companion to my bout of melancholy till I break the less than silent drone of the air conditioner with some music.

I find if I don’t listen to or sing something during the day I don’t feel as grounded. So I will remedy that.

I wish the start of this official video didn’t creep me out. The braids in the air trigger something akin to those tryphophobia pics

Her words resonate some days.

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This is more important than what some might think. I’ve observed that many on this forum tend to shift the goalposts as some results start to come in. I’m not referring to a desire to switch to a completely different topic, though that’s also a problem. Rather, there’s the issue of (I desired this much of item A, I made some progress, now I desire a LOT of item A). Having some measure over time is important!

Agreeable. What I have noticed is that energetic aspects are much more nebulous and hard to pin down, though they may be important. That’s a factor in my custom design which emphasizes modules that are more easily connected to tangible outcomes.

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Played ME T2 x2, my chiaroscuro custom x2 and one loop of survival instincts while I slept.

My dreams were varied. My current apartment and the one I grew up in kind of melded and my dad was using my bed but stripped the duvet off. There were old coins near where I keep my scale and as I picked them up he admonished me for letting people steal his coin collection out of a decorative stein (this sort of happened in the midst of cleaning all his coins disappeared either from the cleaners we hired or my cousins. I still have the stein on a shelf). I shot back at him that at least he lived, then with the unspoken knowing glance between us because he isn’t alive now.

Fast forward and I’m staying in an impossibly tiny hotel room between a coworker with her guy friend on one side and a random couple on the other side. The walls are paper thin and don’t go all the way to the floor so I can see the light peeking through beneath. I announce that I’m leaving so both couples can have their respective sexy times without me hearing it.

As I’m in the elevator it shifts to one from childhood and I see a forum friend from ages past with her BF and we small talk.

Back to the hotel and there’s snippets of the lobby and sunken bar area. then I’m on another elevator that goes to the basement. For some reason I get upset that it went down there and stays so I yell at the maintenance crew, fighting even. They retaliate by welding the elevator to the basement so we have to pile out. I was angry for no reason and fighting “my people” even though they were workers and I wasn’t. I asked how long it would be that way and they said something like months. So I have to go up an antique rickety staircase to get back to the lobby. I wake up midway or I just don’t remember the rest.

There was another more fantastical dream before these vignettes but I can’t remember anything beyond how weird it was.

Listened to my other two customs and will do the sleep loop again tonight.

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I was helping someone with mythology books and remembered that long ago I seriously considered doing a PhD in mythological studies.

I obviously didn’t commit, but for a while, before my more practical side won out, I reveled in traversing the realms of mythology through any pages I could get my hands on. Fable, myth and fairy tails were my childhood and teenage escape and there’s still a significant part of me that feels drawn to it.

My “sleepytime” mix of mind’s eye, Chiaroscuro + aegis ended in the middle of survival instincts.

I’m currently on the second loop of Maia after a lazy day of pho lunches and existential crisis.

Still in search of self, or purpose, beyond what I can. I’d like to know what I should.

Dreams had covid mixed in with doctors, deities and who knows what else. I might need a recorder to speak into. By the time I get to writing it’s poofed.

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Last part of the dream had crushed multicolored (turquoise + golden yellow) scarabs that I had to pry off of furniture. Sorting through papers to shred in a shared/office space: b&w printouts of my face + miscellany.

Did not do my overnight stack as I felt like a break.

Sanguine this morning during meditation and will do maia + lakshmi customs. Hadn’t done an ultima in a while as airplay likes to cut out in the middle to the onkyo if I put on a YouTube guided.

The week before my staycation is also one when more elevated responsibilities start. today I need to run through my delegation plan.

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haha. That sounded familiar. Pacifica Graduate Institute attracted me too. I actually applied and interviewed.

That was such a long time ago. It was one of those ‘bifurcation points’ in my life. Large fork in the road.

I had a very striking manifestation experience last week.

I was thinking about Manifestation in general. I went to take a shower and while in there it hit me (or I remembered…) that what I’m manifesting right now more than anything else is Calling. Vocation. Clarity of Path.

There was a kind of satisfying click of recognition.

Then I got out of the shower and was checking e-mail and saw an announcement for this:

It is the fastest manifestation experience I can remember having.

It’s free (but, of course, one will receive advertisements in the future if one signs up).

I was busy that night, but got it and listened to it the next morning. It provided some extremely useful food for thought and structure for thought.

One thing that is said about INFPs is that it is our nature to be Searching. It’s important to integrate Seeking as part of the path. I think the quality of the search changes as we see more and more things over the years. I think as we become less insistent about simple resolutions, the search becomes almost a kind of feeling of movement that we accept as part of being alive.

Anyway.

Bottom line: that program is one hour and is pretty practical and specific and worth the listen. (It identifies three specific features in one’s natal chart that are definitive of one’s vocation and purpose and then provides a quick summary of how to personally apply them. In my case, it works.)

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One more thing about Purpose. I think there’s an energetic component to it. Almost like a mood element.

In other words, it’s not always so much about the specific answer or specific direction. But about the quality with which we engage the moment.

That is an intuitive observation. But I really feel it.

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I would also say regarding our purpose. Just take a look at the subs you’re running and the intended goals and there’s a 90% chance that’s what it is. I think it’s really easy to overthink purpose, but it’s always been there with us. It’s less of a discovery out there and more of letting go of the things that hold us back from exploring our most aligned desires.

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I have been absolutely slammed at work and disinterested in journaling. Trying to do all the things before my staycation.

Tuesday I took a completely break.
Wednesday morning was maia on loop till I stopped

Wee hours of the mornin mind’s eye t^2 x2 and now lakshmi till I stop

I have been spotty with my meditation and my sinuses plugged all the way up so I did a bit of acupressure.

Before the mind’s eye loops: more dreams with wearing masks and vague threats of infection. I was immune, but still adhering to procedures. Lush green plants and vibrant tapestries decorated the rooms of my dreams. I hid or just lay beneath a blanket but it was more like I was avoiding facing something. Too many things come to mind to pinpoint.

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Interesting descriptions and observations. Write it all down.

I will take some time and listen to this today.

I know I’m hoping to not be disappointed if my purpose is not as grand as my ego would like.

————
Dreams before yesterday I remember feeling the exact moment when I went from waking to sleep. It felt like a cold stream from the base of my head near my neck that flowed towards the center.

Towards the end of the last dream there was a rampaging bull at the ground floor of a building “we” were trying to exit. There were people I knew, but mostly those I didn’t. I conjured, I suppose that’s the only way to describe it, a large red ceramic cow (just as big as the bull) painted around the neck and flank in white lace. She had long tapering horns that pointed in lazy arcs. I used her as a distraction to allow others to escape. As we were leaving the area through subway turnstiles I felt a pain in my back and knew the bull had attacked her.

My parents made a cameo and I gave my mom a hoodie that was much too big for her to wear (she’d never worn one that I knew of)

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Yesterday just did loops of Maia till tired of it. Probably from 9am to 2-3

I don’t remember the early bits of my dream but at the end of the last I was following someone through a park in bloom. Flowers adorned the trees and bushes as we walked up a path. They reminded me of someone who leads one of the committees I’m on but not quite.

Today is loops of chiaroscuro till I tire of it. I am enjoying the set and forget-ish play more than hoping my playlist doesn’t conk out in the middle on AudioShare or having to stop and switch to each one after a certain amount.

Meditation felt right today so I did a little.

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Don’t worry. It doesn’t really work like that. It’s more of a general shape than a size or scale limitation.

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I’m going to get this too,

really curious to what you discover

Also, if it doesn’t support you in doing what you want to do or what you feel is right for you, I’ll be the first to support you in flinging it the hell out of your window.

Part of how you’ll know it’s right is that it will feel right. If it doesn’t, fuck it.

These things have a way of coming together when the time is right for them.

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Fortunately, purpose/mission doesn’t work like this. It is a matter of whether it resonates with you. For example, one woman in Samoa in an interview declared THIS to be her mission as part of fighting obesity.

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Yeah so the Part 1 Mars & Venus overview for my sign and house had me wanting to yeet my phone away (maybe a little, f a nurturing Mary Poppins archetype). While I might enjoy being nurturing I do not enjoy being taken advantage of. Those seem to come hand in hand too often. Plus his job examples beyond a couple were so banal for virgo and IV/cancer. I know, representative sample… but then he was a little condescending in the Capricorn bit where he brought the protests and statues up that I side eyed. “Underachievers tearing down the monuments of overachievers,” just rubbed me the wrong way and I’ve not knocked anything over besides the occasional teacup.

With the guidance from the first audio I pulled up my natal chart from cafe astrology and got more perspective from their descriptions. It’s closer but not quite there in all aspects. :
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Venus

Venus represents an interest in emotions and values, exchange, and sharing with others.

Venus is in Cancer

Love for Venus in Cancer is best when it is committed and rather predictable. These people are sensitive in love, even if their Sun sign is the more playful and outgoing signs of Gemini or Leo. You may even say their egos are a little underdeveloped when it comes to love, but they have a lot to give in return: namely, security, comfort, and care. Venus in Cancer people show their love by caring for you. They pay more attention to your feelings than your words, and observe you rather carefully. They want a safe, solid relationship. They can be a little moody in love, and some go so far as giving silent treatments and engaging in pouting routines to get attention from their mate. They are turned off by anything too impersonal, and too much rationalizing leaves them cold. They are not afraid of emotional confrontations (even if they have a Gemini Sun and appear flighty in other areas of life). Still, these lovers are always worried they’ll be left high and dry. If you’ve hurt them, they’ll have a hard time forgetting. Every so often, they’ll retreat into themselves (not unlike a Crab), and it can be difficult to pull them out. This is when they use their extraordinary “nursing” abilities on themselves, instead of you…and you simply don’t want that!

This part is BS: Pleasing Venus in Cancer involves lots of snuggling and sentimentality. /BS Recognize their attachments to their family and home. Help them to feel confident with you – when they are fearful of being rejected, they can resort to some frustrating tactics to find out just how loved they are. Think about how a crab (the symbol of Cancer) moves towards its goal, and you will get a fair idea of Venus in Cancer’s approach. Do your best to make them feel secure and cared for, and you will be rewarded with a patient, dependable, and loving mate.

Venus in II: Venus is in the second house
There is a link between her emotional life and money. She is helped by friends or by a person to whom she is emotionally linked. May take advantage of friendships for professional success. Activities connected with beauty, aesthetics, finery. Danger of big spending.

Tangible expressions of love and affection are important to you. Your tastes are usually “simply extravagant”, well-defined, strong, and something you are proud of. Some might feel you have a talent for finding items of value and good taste. You are attracted to items of quality. You may use generosity for your own benefit–in other words, you might give gifts with expectation of reward. Some of you might be hedonistic and overly attached to winning admiration from a partner, at the expense of discovering true love. Your neck and upper chest are erogenous zones, and your voice is unusually attractive. You generally don’t jump into a new relationship. If you do, your feelings grow gradually. A partner who makes you feel safe and secure is ideal for you. Once committed, your love is long lasting and sincere. You have strong values and others will find it hard to sway you in this area. Sensual, the world of touch and smell is most appealing to you. Complex or mysterious partners are not as intriguing to you as simple and genuine ones.

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Mars

Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.

Mars is in Virgo

These productive and busy people are goal-oriented, practical people. Although they can be a little scattered at times, simply because they are doing so many things at any give time, Mars in Virgo natives get things done–quite well! They have a knack for handling a wide variety of tasks at once, and a tendency to take on perhaps too much at the same time. Most Mars in Virgo natives are not particularly aggressive by nature. Although they can be a little hard-nosed and critical at times, they rarely resort to pushing others around. Still, an annoyed Mars in Virgo native can be difficult to be around! Arouse their anger and they turn into complaining, over-critical nags. Generally, these natives don’t make themselves nuisances, so this stage is unlikely to last for very long. It is a sensitive position, however. It doesn’t take much to make these people nervous.

Mars in Virgo people are quite protective about their “system” for getting things done. Although rather humble in a general life sense, they can be quite particular about their methods–how they organize and accomplish their goals, mostly with work. Theirs is a nervous energy. Although they have some staying power, they can be restless and are not given to sticking with the same projects for too long. These natives derive plenty of energy and life force from the things they do–their work, hobbies, and any kind of projects they take on. An idle Mars in Virgo native is a sorry sight, indeed. Fidgety, nervous, worried…all of these things are a sure sign that Mars in Virgo people have either too little to do, or far too much on their plates. There is a perfectionist at the heart of all people with this position. They’ll be the first to deny this, but it’s there! They worry when they are not producing anything, and they worry about whether what they’ve produced will measure up.

An earthy and sometimes nervous sexuality generally characterizes people with this position of Mars. In a sense, their performance in bed is similar to their work. These people want to be good at what they do. They will generally be open to experimentation, if only to feed their curiosity and to feel savvy. There’s often a shy and humble side to Mars in Virgo in any area that involves putting themselves out there and letting go (areas ruled by Mars). But experience and knowledge are important to these natives, and this drive generally wins over their natural reticence.

Mars in IV: Mars is in the fourth house

Quick decisions; she may have a lot of things on her plate and wants to succeed. She will succeed through a phenomenal work-rate. Stormy or simply active family life, where her leardership or aggressiveness shows itself.

You can be fiercely protective of your close friends and family with Mars in your solar fourth house. Anger may be deeply felt and possibly deeply buried, too! As a result, it can be difficult for others to pinpoint your true motives, and you can be considered a real enigma. You can be passive-aggressive in your approach to the outside world when younger, which could lead to resentments if you are not careful–or confident–enough to take a more direct approach to pursuing your desires and expressing your anger. With time and experience, as well as substantial work towards achieving a healthy balance between emotional self-control and expression, you’re likely to deal with frustrations in a more empowering way.

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The north node thing in part 2, however, was something I hadn’t explored. So I stumbled upon this site to go into a bit more detail. A hell of a lot of my frustrations made sense if this node stuff holds true. It also talks about the south node and what you’re trying to move away from even though it’s most familiar.

My north node is in the fourth house and Leo which seem to lead me towards focusing on myself and stepping into the spotlight, both of which I’ve been reluctant to do in the past. If moving towards these things is supposed to make it easier then you might as well give it a shot. Finding out what I actually want to focus on vs simply doing it for recognition or because it would make someone else happy is a thing I should work on.

The audio states the north node in the fourth house is:

Don’t focus on others
Get your own house in order
You might have had authority in your past life and assuming you should have the same again will frustrate you
Be aware of your motive
Don’t do things for recognition
Focus on family (whatever your definition ) + emotional maturity

And that north node Leo is:
Creating a life for yourself
Realizing your own desires
Friendships may disappoint at critical moments
Create for yourself
Capable of great achievements
King, royalty, spotlight
Embrace fame wealth luxury

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Your cafeastrology report should also contain a small section on North Node, with Qualities you need to work on.

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It does. I wanted more detail:

True North Node in Leo

She can be a friend to many but may stumble a little when things get too personal. Her path is to embrace her individuality and to allow herself to be the center of attention or to strike out on a unique creative path. She is learning to be more personal and less intellectual when expressing her feelings. Qualities to develop: Intimacy, sharing, self- expression.

North Node in IV: North Node in the Fourth House

Her path is to allow herself to be vulnerable, and from time to time, release the need to feel in control and on top of things. Once she does let others in, her life improves. Fixing her home life can enhance her career. Qualities to develop: nurturing and trust, tenderness, willingness to be vulnerable or to accept support

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Rabbit hole of the moment: still north node stuff as it’s novel to me.

This site combined the house with the sign of the north node:

Not sure if I’ll listen to anything today. Maybe sanguine. I should play around with the modules in my first custom as some of them repeat in the third (was just waiting for the pack to drop). I’ll probably free up some space and hold as there are some modules I want that haven’t come out yet. I supposed it depends on how long between releases. The longer I wait to switch the less I have to thread my money custom into all the others.

The end of my dream last night had dead mice behind “my” fridge but instead of being right next to the sink in my actual kitchen it was next to the bottom of a staircase painted in deep, faded red with obvious hole where they could have entered from and the dust of ages peeking out from one of the larger holes.
There was a voice in my head during another scene telling me I knew who they were. They sounded a little like a coworker but I brushed it off. Forgot the rest of it, but there was some sort of resistance against a crazed person wrecking havoc in a sanctuary.

I also glanced at a chat convo but my last cat (name was in the chat and I “knew” it was supposed to be him) stuck a reply in the middle of it like n(owo)n and that startled me awake.

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