Hold on, let me overthink this


#1

Yesterday afternoon listened to two loops of my custom. Was doing my headspace daily in the middle of the second loop, drifted off and came back right as it ended with a nice sharp headache on my right temple.

Slept and my dreams were normal weird, just different contents. Dreamed I was hired to work at Google and immediately got put as a keynote for some conference. Did not want. Mean lady yelled at me for declining and then people were put into teams to make a working airplane out of popsicles. My team won, but I don’t recall doing any work.

Then they changed into being used for air conditioning (which I attribute to my AC being off and it being hot in my room. My bodily needs often seep into my dreams like I’ll end up in the bathroom there if I have to go for real)

Was apartment hunting in dream, but finding empty communal/ dorm like areas instead. Walked down a set of steep black marble stairs to the way-fancier-than-the-floor-above-it building lobby then out onto a city sidewalk (Reminded me of financial district). Went to a pastry/coffee shop and asked for something with oat milk. Wondered out loud if I wanted to do something like this with no answer. I had a trailing pothos plant with me for some reason and I set it in the window near my drink.

Stack:
AresQ + BlSkQ + DeAnQ + DeusQ + DiWiQ + DomQ + EnDeQ + EpDnQ + ExMoQ + InVQ + JoDVQ + MoQ + OmQ + QuLiSt4 + SedQ + SXQ + StarQ + SulQ + MeWXQ + YggQ


#2

Today woke up less sore than I should have been from increasing my kettlebell weight for my workout yesterday. Too soon for any of the healing modules to work probably. I did cut my time down by 10 mins.

Did my normal As Above right before reiki self healing session. Felt vibrations between my eyebrows.

Listened to two loops of my custom then one loop of aegis. I’d stopped all other subs since Thursday in prep for the custom so seeing how to weave that back in.

May do Alchemist ST1 x2 later. I have about a week left before it’ll be a month on it.

Have a remote energy session with a pranic / reiki practitioner later this afternoon to clear whatever.

Stronger tinnitus is back with a vengeance since yesterday’s first two custom loops, but not in a painful way just so very aware of the ringing when in complete silence. Some say it’s energetic, I just think it’s a little annoying.


#3

Interesting dreams. Seems to be a lot of symbolism to unpack in them.


#4

Do you feel something different from name embedded vs regular :thinking:


#5

It feels right, if that makes sense? Like running all the subs one by one together felt like a drag tbh.

Think it’s too early to tell for anything else.


#6

My dreams are always just about that random when I remember them. I’ve only recently started writing them down.


#7

Interesting choice of word haha, well see how it goes, I’m still waiting for mine :wink:


#8

Energy healing session was intense for lack of a better word. My legs wouldn’t stop shaking during parts of it and a lot of things came up. Was able to learn some new techniques on forgiveness, which of my chakras needed TLC and what I could do to continue after the session.

I think I’d already started a healing crisis from running my custom but it became way more concentrated in physical sensations/issues. It’s like my body wants to flush all the bs out of me by any means necessary.

Headspace meditation while listening to Alchemist ST1. I didn’t drift off this time. Did not have any averse effects of running the sub.

I’m finding it ineffective/ boring to do the headspace meditation sets. I kinda want to do something with more purpose and less of the same voice I’ve listened to for thousands of hours. That meditation streak, tho. Gamification is an addiction.

I have the Mind Illuminated book but am finding it hard to fit in another meditation when I’m already doing 3 different targeted ones.

I couldn’t sleep as much at all and my dreams were mostly forgotten. I’m assuming this is because of the energy work. I have the barest idea that I dreamed about performing some healing rituals and having it affect someone but cannot be sure.

I did an inner child healing meditation at the suggestion of the practitioner. He’d sent me the wrong link but I found one where the speaker has a very calming voice. Will ask him if it’s similar to the one he suggested.

Was able to sleep for a couple more hours right after.

As above and reiki was next, but my head still hurts from yesterday and I think I need more hydration. It’s more of a soreness than straight up headache territory.

Will do 2 more loops of my custom after morning workout and then see how I feel.


#9

Remembering less of my dreams still just odd snippets:

Was at an event for my HS that required me to wear a gown. Changed into sheer stockings for some reason as I looked myself over in a full length mirror. The image in the mirror was blurry like the bokeh around a sharp focused photo or when someone forgets to wipe off their laptop/phone camera before they start Zoom. One of my coworkers flitted through for a moment. She and I are close on slack but not irl since we’re many states apart.

fast forward to having to escape by private jet. Had to take off on the highway. My mom was there and I feel like I was embarrassed of her in the moment but I can’t remember.

Pilots changed shifts. Got grounded in a snowbank. Random military force comes to intercept and apprehend us then I wake up.


Switched headspace track to pro meditation and resting awareness practice. Did it a little too close to bedtime so was hard to focus.
Upped workout back to same amount of time but still 5 less reps per set.
Will start active flexibility training to protect hyper mobile joints. I do miss yoga.


Custom x2
Alchemist ST1 x2
Aegis x0
As above x1


Headspace 20m
Reiki:40m
Inner Child: 40m


#10

Think the reconciliation is settling in. I just didn’t feel like doing my meditations or workout this morning. Luckily the workday is light and we’ve part of it off for Juneteenth so I can double up later in the day if I feel like it.

My dream had a chase in it. Droves of people ( I think they were mostly male) turning into wolves/dogs and ripping out my spine in a loop (I wasn’t afraid, it didn’t hurt, thought just like lemme run these mfs crazy). Some of them were docile friendly breeds that just sort of lay down in the middle of the hilly streets (it felt like I was in SF but not as steep). I was not the only person running away from them.

Running through dark velveteen corridors and landing in a room walled in mahogany. “Evil” woman With a blonde bob adjusting her green blouse into a dark flowery skirt.

Beyoncé and Janelle Monae having an outdoor Korean bbq cook off while trying to kill each other with the food. The sidewalks were also grills?

Woke up but fell back asleep then the dream switched to a game where pairs were supposed to find each other but everyone else was trying to kill you (including helicopters shooting from the sky). It began to drizzle lightly and I was walking towards a line of black colored golf carts with someone that looked like a white haired version of the Author from Once upon A Time before I woke up for the final time.

Custom 2x
Alchemist 2x
As above x 1

Hopefully:
Aegis x1
Reiki x2
Inner child x2


Have a meeting next week to discuss my expanded scope with my boss basically choose your own adventure job mode. It’s been a long time coming (well before starting sub) but still exciting.

Got a pastry delivery but I I just made a tart so will have to freeze some of it for later.

Irrational craving for soda that I haven’t had in months.


#11

My dream journal just up and vanished. I guess I’ll find it when I need it. The pen I use to write in it is still around though.

Dreams were annoying last night. There was a dorm room and my largest rimowa luggage stuffed with the most random things. Had to rush and pack because some sort of guard/authority was trying to round up a friend and me.

A manipulative encounter with a woman who hated her husband and tried to lure unsuspecting people her way for brief trysts. She smelled like ammonia and urine. Her facial skin was pinched and leathery. Her husband looked much more youthful in the brief flash I got when she talked about him. I don’t think I was “me” at the time, sometimes I’m just an observer in someone else. The whole while I was like “don’t want to be here,” but there I stayed. Escaped as soon as I could.

An unrelated boat trip and the promise of a seafood dinner but I woke up before that happened. Luggage showed up again.

My mom was in the boat portion of the dream. There might have been a lecture or a conference or an informal church ceremony. I honestly don’t know why I’m remembering less and less of my dreams for the past few days since the cleansing.

Took a break from my custom. Did my catchup meditations. Still have two more to do for today’s batch.

Almost forgot to do my Headspace daily but managed to keep the “streak” going. What is it about seeing those numbers of continuous days?

Felt like I should ease into the next stage of Alchemist. Tomorrow is the day I’m “supposed” to switch over so I did them both.

Looked up Kundalini… immediately said nah. Don’t trust myself to do it properly.

Alchemist ST1 x2
Alchemist ST2 x2
As above x1

Headspace x1
Reiki x2
inner child x 1


#12

Uh did a different inner child meditation and broke down into tears. Guess I know which one resonated. Will try again soon.

Started back my custom today. Had to go outside for the first time in a while and whew it’s summer. My body was not ready. Only when I leave my apartment do I realize how well my new AC is actually working.

My local bar is doing to-;go drinks so I’m glad they’re still thriving though I haven’t drunk much at all since stay at home started. My laundry place is operating well so I don’t have to do all my laundry anymore just the things I was hand washing anyway.

The line at the Whole Foods closest to me was even more ridiculous in the middle of the day. Will go at 7am like I do to the other grocery. It’s not like I’ll perish if I don’t get reasonably priced black cod.

Since I left during mid day instead of the wee hours of the morning I got to get fresh branzino and shrimp at my fish shop. I told the owner that I was normally out before they opened. He told me next time I was out early on Mondays if the lights were on and they had the fish I wanted I could still shop ( guess they get in at 5am that day). I was planning to move pre covid, but getting to enjoy the little creature comforts of an area I’ve been in for a while isn’t bad.

In a virtual conference and shared my LinkedIn & insta profiles. This is very odd I normally never share anything personal about me together with professional (but there’s nothing odd about my insta, my boss follows me lol )

Hopefully I made/make some good connections. A lot of talk of intersectionality and the work we have to put in. Potential mentors and mentees from this.

Fully on Alchemist ST2 starting tomorrow. I have a custom sub waiting for when I get to 4 to weave with mind’s eye a few months from now. Hopefully some of the requested subs will be available, and I won’t have an overabundance of choices.

Dreamed I was married into a family of dwarves? Like Tolkien/fantasy style with the beards and all in modern clothes. The “husband” was fully immersed in a custom fit sensory deprivation chamber. The “father in law” was trying to shame/guilt me into taking action in some things. Bleh. Had once in a lifetime & digging for fire playing in my head as I recalled it, “this is not my beautiful house,” “no my child this is not my desire.”


#13

I don’t feel like doing anything. I have to force myself or else I’ll just play games all day between meetings/tasks. It’s like I’m reverting to an earlier version of me. But also people normally get on my nerves more during certain weeks so I might chalk it up to that.

Kudos for my work keep rolling in. I’ve always been confident in my ability to “do” whatever I’m tasked with but normally unable to differentiate whether it’s exceptional or just “well it’s my job, duh.” Here’s hoping for a killer mid year.

The main reason why my custom has so many healing elements in it is because there’s a dissonance between how I view myself and how others do. I’ve been very negative (mostly self directed) since childhood. Prone to arrogance, but also feeling unworthy of… you name it. Impostor syndrome? Who could love me if I feel I’m broken, truly? All the compliments are lies, they just don’t know any better. Tragedy follows me. Why even bother to be happy? It’s horrible to feel like you “know” untruths so well they cloud the view of everything. And doubly horrible to not be able to appreciate all you have beyond fleeting moments of insight.

My previous therapist called me a nihilist once. I couldn’t refute his statement. “It is what it is,” my mantra.

My new one questions my “truths,” and gives me insights with the most simple words sometimes. And I’ll be thinking in my head like, “damn, she’s right but also you knew this and chose to ignore it. How will this time be different?” Then I try not to spiral into the “it alway turns out this way, I always give up” self talk. Filled with woulda coulda shouldas. I didn’t like her at first. Took some time to warm up. She keeps me from thinking like the 100 things I’m doing isn’t enough when I want to be doing a million (at least during our sessions).

Amber alert jolted me out of my meditation this morning. Haven’t seen one since before covid.


#14

What are the modules in your custom?


#15

Here’s the list for my first custom. It has 3 cores of the programs I was running before and is more generalized but tons of healing as well:


#16

This seem very dense (not that there’s anything wrong with a dense sub at all), yet very balanced at the same time.

What do you hope to achieve from this custom?


#17

Initially it was just to consolidate the cores I was already running and boost the healing/manifesting physically, mentally and spiritually.

I’d like to fine tune the influence I have in the professions I choose to pursue, increase my health and overall well being, build substantial wealth and triple down on my knowledge seeking of all things random that strike my fancy. Basically amplifying my strengths and removing any self imposed limitations, traumas and unnecessary beliefs.

I don’t have a particular path, or goal I want to follow/reach yet. Hope the first sub is a balanced deep cleaning so I can gain clarity in that respect.


#18

Got it. If you need a resource on finding a path/destiny, check out Mastery by Robert Greene.


#19

Culadasa. That book is so systematically written and clearly expressed. Really motivates one to approach meditation with structure and goals. The explicit, discrete stages of practice and so on.

Shinzen Young’s teaching has a similar effect. He teaches with such clarity. I think Vipassana teachers tend to really develop this quality, due to the nature of their practices.

I actually like Shinzen Young’s work a bit better.

But after reading Culadasa, it fired me up to set more explicit goals in my practice.

But I found after a while that my own meditational inclinations asserted themselves. I was not willing to stick so close to his instructions and guidelines. The main contribution from that time was helping me to establish/re-establish a very regular practice. I’m grateful for that.

If you’re already doing 3 targeted practices, I can see how The Mind Illuminated would be a challenge. Maybe you’ll do it later. Or maybe, like me, you’ll find another way.

Recently, I was experimenting with combining a number of practices into one session. It got a little bloated so I pulled back.


#20

Thanks for the suggestions. Greene creeps me out a bit from some of his previous works and the story of how he snagged his partner, but I’ll take a look. I mean, I got Culadasa’s book even after his whole stepping down post indiscretion debacle. Separating the methods from the men, I suppose.

Only remembered the last line someone said in my dream about cutting off NY from the rest and that one of my work friends was there.

Work progression is slow even at full speed but it’s the frustrating nature of how promotions work normally. I was just promoted last year before a full year at the company so I guess I shouldn’t complain (but I am).

Might be padding the timeline in case it doesn’t happen end of year given the current environment. Either way, I know, and am told that I’m valued. I get along with my immediate + extended teams, and probably need some time to figure out what I really want to do anyway.