Wait, what?!
yup, half of these meditation teachers have one sex scandal or another.
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Had a leadership meeting yesterday that dragged on, but the minute it started to run over I had a palpable need to drop off zoom. Immediately. So I did after venting to a subgroup about it and realizing they all felt just about the same. It was going to make me miss a menteeās presentation so I was extra irritated. It all turned out fine, but Iāve normally been able to endure more than this.
Noticed Iām a bit snippy/agitated and unwilling to be inwardly patient while enduring inane questions from certain people. Today is nothing but self care an a little cleaning. Muting slack and hoping thereās nothing urgent.
A queen ant will find its way in through my bathroom window every so often, maybe once or thrice a year. Flitting about on her wings. Mistook it for a mosquito early yesterday but itās still around. I tend not to bother with anything that wonāt immediately harm me if thereās only one. There was a ladybug too.
Listened to (more than two) loops of my custom + alchemist ST2 yesterday, I lost track.
Skipped as above before meditation but will add it today and see how I feel.
Looking into complimentary reiki forms to add to the Usui Iām practicing once this time of self healing is over.
I tend to veer into esoteric and spiritual pursuits for balance. My job isnāt soulless, but many would say the industry is. I build products for people to help our customers, but Iām not saving lives or healing the world. I donate and support, but I probably wonāt be at the forefront of any revolution. It feels good to think I could possibly benefit others more deeply while still attaining my dreams.
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Hereās a tweet from someone I consider one of my teachers and who I can actually recommend: Kenneth Folk
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This is going on pause for a bit, but I listened to Aegis once then 2-3 loops of my custom yesterday. Didnāt have to work but did post one thing that people could mull over for the weekend. Felt good to do something for me. Mused about how lucky/thankful I was that I didnāt open a bakery pet project people were pushing me towards because Iād be suffering right now. Plus I like making things for people to enjoy and would probably hate it if it was my ājob.ā
Sensations during my mediation were slightly stronger. I still always wish for more and have to reel myself in. like Iāll have clearer mental images, at will, in time, for instance.
Besides dreaming and during childhood Iāve always had more sensitivities in touch/feeling within the body and sounds vs being able to āseeā in my mindās eye. (I can read/ hear about something and āfeelā it especially injuries so I try not to) Immediately after waking the after images can be intense but beyond that itās difficult. More practice I guess.
The last part of my dream that I remember is walking into a dark lounge bar areaā¦ All deep browns and lacquered wood. The woman behind the bar was thinly slicing a cube of iberico ham with a thick fat cap. Idk yāall.
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I feel if I were maybe better at visual visualization I would enjoy it more. I just run through the same mental images. Body turning translucent then sort of growing to meld with the cosmos, the light etcā¦ when it gets to the part about energy cultivation I feel like I donāt really know what Iām doing and I donāt want to pretend to be some wuxia/xianxia heroine cultivating the energy in her dantian. I normally āfeelā something at the return to the body and the music after she stops talking feels the best to me.
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Thank you. Iām thinking of superchargers to use when I have insomnia.
To help with the insomnia or might as well because youāre awake?
I am tired of listening to the same thing over and over but I did it as a maintenance. After the ultima test is over I will go back and see if I can stomach it better.
Might as well because Iām awake.
But itāll probably help anyway.
So far Iāve used The Commander and The Elixir.
Used to use them everyday, back when the tracks were only 45 minutes long. Itās been a while now. And Iām thinking of when and if. to fit them back in. weāll see.
They were never hugely dramatic, yet I kind of liked them. hmā¦
[1 July 2020, Edit: I realized that the above statement was not true. I had very strong effects when I first used The Commander. And The Elixir actually reinvigorated my qigong practice. I guess this was a kind of amnesia effect because Iām not using them now.]
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I mean itās only 13 mins long so itās not gonna hurt anything. Still would rather hear Cate Blanchette over the VA though. Wishful thinking.
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Tell me brother, what are you the God of, again? I am not ashamed that a small part of my time at SC is used to find opportunities for MCU referencesā¦
Feels good to be back on my custom. Didnāt remember dreams last night. I turned my sleep schedule on its head and slept a bit fitfully.
I just tried to order some Thai food that got delivered to the wrong apartment (long story involving a broken elevator) and then when I got that refunded and reordered it never made it through to the restaurant so Iām gonna just chalk it up to not needing Thai today and eat the food Iād already made partially. Thinking bagna cauda pasta with seafood.
I didnāt do my meditation at my normal time this morning again because of the wonky sleep schedule but I feel pretty good. Itās bright and sunny out and I got to grocery shop in the wee hours before most people were on the sidewalk.
I will try to get my meditation schedule back to normal by tomorrow and double up one that I slacked off on yesterday
Excited to try out As Above Ultima whenever that releases. gotta decide which custom will be my next.
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Also trying not to be petty and think about leaving a note about whoever got my order enjoying the $50 of free food. mostly because I would never, but also thinking about it is silly for me. my mind can be busy other ways.
Since covid, people in the building have had a bit of sticky finger syndrome. If I have something expensive arriving I watch the delivery window like a hawk. Where I used to get things delivered to my office if they were small/ expensive enough I now have to remove opportunity from whoeverās doing it.
Last month when a delivery person came to my door by accident I made sure they knew they were on the wrong floor/at the wrong door, so I suppose I expect reciprocity.
Think I do need my meditation today 
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Good to read you back here again.
Oddly, itās the same feeling as if youād returned from a vacation or a business trip.
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Yeah, plus I just bought sanguine instead of the Thai food so I guess thatās a better payoff.
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Wish you some delicious food
Iām actually an amazing cook and had already got through 80% of the prep for the pasta (already made the sauce and had things set up). But I was randomly browsing seamless and a place I used to frequent when I worked in the theater district actually delivered this far (I think restaurants have expanded their delivery zones for more profits during covid). It was more nostalgia for the taste vs an actual need.
They do make the best yum woon sen outside of Queens, but thereās always another day.
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