Golden Man // Wanted StarkQ Emperor ZP

Journals - Major Programs
#41

Day 11

Listen to ezp once then wanted once as I prepare mentally for apple retail interview. I get a healthy? Smoothie and cappucino but when we get on call it’s terrible so he says he will call I rush out restaurant to look for quiet place.

Interview was interesting he asked some interesting questions that made me have to think back and my experience was able to help me answer them. For example he would ask for an example of when you made a customer feel a certain way etc.

Bump into old really good friend who’s like me in a lot of we are kind of mirrors ways and he’s super charismatic and when we are together it’s like a supercharge.

We agree to meet this Thursday. Worked on my cv with this work help person for the restaurant mentioned before. Got home and ate then kinda went into a depressive funk. And keep feeling fucking dehydrated today. I start listening second loop of EZP get mad and start cleaning while getting into this primal mad gorilla alpha lion dawg state and start listening to DMX. Made the kind of mistake of sitting down which breaks one of my rules if I’m on the 10-7 productive regime and went back in funk a bit but I’m tired. Ezp 2nd loop brought out all kinds of emotions this evening mostly anger. I have a lot of suppressed anger due to countless betrayals and abandonment from “fake friends” there was also depressive and sad feelings.

Planning to get early night tonight compared to last couple weeks.
Social Tennis 12-2 tomorrow
Maybe walking football? :thinking:
Also they mentioned this football 8 week course which maybe will get you into a team which is something I’ve been trying to manifest as I think it’s a fun competitive way to keep fit socialise and make mates.

Quite a few videos I watched on my phone this late afternoon and evening had personal meaning.

Feeling tired today didn’t sleep well.
Also I kinda view lying down feeling depressive as a spiritual attack so I fought back by doing some cleaning and purging emotions and blowing off steam.

Also while on sofa saw book called money on my window sill and it made me think to hire cleaner so I don’t get into this state of messy place messy mind.

Saw about the Custom ZP builds just got excited about the potential and added 11 items to the cart for when I’m ready to build my first custom. :smiley:

#42

Day 12 rest

Probably shouldn’t have run wanted before going to sleep but I couldn’t sleep and it actually helped me sleep but probably made this morning feel a bit sluggish.

Went to social tennis late and when I started to play one of my biggest problems atm flared up a really itchy heat rash whenever I start exercising rigorously or get hot or stressed or it can even just occur out of pretty much no where. So here I am sitting on the sidelines. I’ve been consulting doctor but so far they just give strong antihistamines.

I’m curious if there is a sub or module that can completely get rid of this disgusting ailment

Side note from ezp in general my voice has been deeper and more resonant.

Edit played another game and guy was coaching me helping me relax and on my footwork and I was playing better but sitting down again due to this hellrash

Also when DMX anger purging yday I had idea to sign up to this fight club place where they teach bjj and Muay Thai I believe. I wanna do kung fu “literal meaning hard work” but don’t know where there is a good si fu to show me tha waaaay.

After tennis arranging Logistics of cleaner coming tomorrow. Then I went for food had salmon toast spinach sourdough avocado and apple orange carrot fruit juice yumm. Feel hungry as I write this tho… I went to this shop that reminded me of @SaintSovereign and was speaking to the girl with deep voice good eye contact. Before eating I actually walked past and kinda wanted to go in but bricked it but after eating I walked in no resistance. Got a body cream for my mum.

On way back listening to music and I’m in absolute ecstasy and highest in the room starts playing lol. The music that was playing from my Apple Music algorhythm of my life was putting me into mental orgasm after orgasm but with a peace to it.

Apple must be trolling me coz it goes from highest in the room to after a few songs Baby - Justin beiber :laughing:
And now straight after it’s adagio for strings lol. (My headphones ran out earlier and I was like noooooo while getting cash out for cleaner)

Also side note about cleaner - paying someone to do a job for you kinda puts you in boss mode subconsciously coz you’re paying them to work for you and make your life better or easier.

Also just looked in mirror and I look more sharp wanted??

1 Like
#43

Also here’s one truth. Some of us who have had the toughest times socially and with dating and with women and feeling rejected and maybe you didn’t understand why because you are good looking or a good person or you look at your parents and they are successful and it doesn’t add up why you feel so behind.

There are spiritual forces that are used against you to keep you down. Some of the fakest people with good looks friends social life a relationship etc their purpose is to make you feel bad so you give up and are depressed coz you have supreme potential. If you have all this adversity it may mean you are on the stars meant to shine the most but their is evil that doesn’t want love and creativity with the intention of love emerging. Some of these stars are committing suicide before their mission has truly begun.

If your eyes haven’t been opened yet spiritually there is a lot going on behind the scenes in the spiritual fighting for you and fighting against you x

Namasté homies

1 Like
#44

Wanted ZP anthem Chris Lake - I Want You (Official Music Video) - YouTube

#45

Also when i was haaving that space travel shamanic detox dream was that me in my ascended chamber? I think i listened to it a couple of times by accident haha. Well I know I did.

Got an email

Thank you for taking the time to speak with us and learn about career opportunities at Apple. At this time, we have chosen to move forward with other candidates.

just now at 12 am??? lol Tiny emotional hit but life goes on dabadeebadaaa

#46

Day 13

Did some old bad habits die hard snoozing. Got up for guy who is taking pictures of ceilings and walls of my apartment to paint over them but won’t be until late April.
Listening first loop emperor zp now.
If you want a better minds eye stop using toothpaste with fluoride in it. (Quick unsolicited advice)

Did yoga last night it was very tough and reminded me how out of shape I am and I wasn’t feeling very good after. Bought ice cream to numb the pain :sweat_smile: sadbois 2022

Finished 2x ZEP just lounging reading posts on the forum lel

Guy buzzes on door and turns out to be temporary housing officer for my flat while other woman (useless) is sick. He’s carrying out the flat check.

He’s really upbeat and we connect on many issues and he’s helping me sort things out with flat that have been on my mind for a long time. Was definitely a pick me up :up:. Getting ready to go mums to practice piano and other skills and eat lol.

Gonna listen to wanted 2 x

1 Like
#47

How was Wanted?

#48

It’s interesting I feel like my face looks better more sharp and im more photogenic and more comfortable with showing my face off on social media if that makes sense?

1 Like
#49

Yep, cool. :ok_hand:

1 Like
#50

Rest day 14

I’ve decided I’m gonna go to 1 loop of emperor followed by 1 loop of wanted.

Cleaner came and it was so nice to have everything clean. Only gonna hire her few hours every other week and I think it’s money well spent.

One side effect of going out recently with my sidekick and attempting to get hammered on cocktails is that it’s made me realise oh I’ve wasted this amount so I can easily spend this on xyz thing that actually improves my life.

Read @Saiyan4Blue ‘s journal and it was pretty inspiring. Got a few more pages to go.

After cleaner left went to free drumming lessons with awesome woman it’s like my third lesson with her. Super fun jamming with her on bass. And it also turned into a mini teaching on mindfulness too haha. Unfortunately I find it hard to do this while on my meds.

After left for a cheap meal deal but with a healthy green gut smoothie drink (emperor discipline?)

For some reason I was thinking about Ralph swan and teal swan yday and I concluded Ralph has a weird deceptive inauthentic energy where as Teal is the real deal. Then I was on a video of hers and she had the same avatar of @SaintSovereign tattooed on her arm so now I’m wondering what it means.

Felt this before starting subliminal but I just feel like this giant wherever I go. Definitely don’t want to grow any taller just leaner and muscular.

After drums I’m on bus now to practice the keys chez maman. Tryna get that consistent music momentum. I really feel music is one area of life that effects all other areas of your life like you become more creative and more in tune with the songs of your soul and more self actualised.

#51

The Philosophers Stone, or The Squared Circle. Don’t know the deep meaning or what meaning other people attach to it, since it seems to have many interpretations.

Seems related to alchemy / philosophy.

1 Like
#52

Last night I headed to meet that old ‘friend’ can’t fucking find him big piss take. I go across street to a cocktail bar semi reluctantly and have one cocktail. Have some small chat with guy next to me who got the better drink: smoked barrel.

Then I’m sorta heading home see a pub that I’ve been to a couple a times before say nah but then notice this other place I’ve been to once where the live music was amazing. Meet this guy who calls himself a ‘healer’ we talk and it’s interesting but we have some underlying different world views. My world view is very hard for most people to understand. I get a few drinks and then just outside the floor I start talking to guy who runs event and this cool girl. Hit it off with the girl and we are talking comedy music life blah blah. She’s saying she’s anxious but then we go in she gets a red wine and I go for one too and then she goes on stage and fucking steals the whole show and actually captures peoples attention. I’m friends with her whole night and she’s friends with 2 cool blonde girls and a black dude is with one of the girls. I ended up pretty fucking drunk. It was cool coz I was solo but by end of it had made friends and was really at ease. Traded number with original girl coz I filmed her second performance. Anyway she was super fun and she put her number in as xyz beautiful girl.

Had very fucking weird vivid dreams sometimes they were hard to get out of and wake up if that makes sense. Didn’t sleep too well.

Also the night was both inspiring and intimidating to improve my art of music and learn piano singing rapping drumming whatever. To explore my potential. But it’s an intimidating crowd once it gets busy and the heavy hitters have graced the stage.

The healer dude was very encouraging and he himself was awesome on stage with this husky big booming rock voice - think the guy who sung I’m only human. He was also very eccentric wearing three hats including 2 fez hats I believe. I read him a spoken word I had on my phone outside in smoking area and he was like perform it and I was like nahhhh lol

Didn’t really have any sexual energy… flatline? T_T

Day 15

Emperor ZP x 1
Wanted ZP x1

2 Likes
#53

Day 16 rest gonna get haircut

So last night ended up at this strip / night club got my first dance and then another and then another and a longer one with the third who was my fave probably because she being more touchy with me and scratching the back of my neck in a kind of sensual way(which could be entirely manipulative technique) I also paid for a couple dances for my friends and paid for drinks.

To be honest I got a bit turned on but not fully.

I think I don’t count sex as a playful fun enjoyable thing due to some previous experiences. There’s a heaviness and seriousness attached to it especially coz it’s been so long. I think subconsciously I am avoiding opportunities or behaviours that will lead to sex because of this.

So yeah I spent way too much money but I’m okay with it and it was a learning experience dare I even say inspiring to hustle more. My younger self hated strip clubs and had negative view of them but once you realise it’s all a game and you are surrounded by sexy liars (who probably have selection of their truth they want to share) it’s fine.

Also I noted when I entered and these women in lingerie I felt self conscious and not comfortable in my masculine sexuality. But after sitting down having a beer and talking to an Italian girl with a huge ass I was more at ease.

I guess people could use strip clubs as a law of attraction for sex if they just did like one short dance a week haha. Im kiddding… or am I?

It’s good to have balance and not be too judgemental which I have been in the past.

One thing that bothered me is I knew that if I was home on my phone watching porn I’d be more turned on than when I live naked chick is grinding on me. But it’s only been a few days of nofap. If I was on 30 days of nofap may be an entirely different story.

Another factor could be my medication fucking up my libido so it’s just a multi factored stressful thing to think about.

Moving ON

Before going to that place watched the series the woman across the street from the girl in the window on Netflix and I was so passionate I’m just becoming more passionate emotionally it seems.
Also it’s worth noting I wasn’t in a good vibe going out to the stripclub. We made an Indian curry which was fun to be learning to cook but I got bloated and we were pre gaming with jack and coke but it wasn’t doing the trick.

Today after haircut got some cbd vape juice to try and also took a cool Instagram pic (wanted zp?)

Also on the music note I’ve been thinking more and more about it and dreaming about it and I even got this app called Beatstar on my phone which is fun maybeeee it helps with rhythm I dunno?

Also at the club I found myself having an appreciation more for all ethnicities?

3 Likes
#54

Just watched

And

Felt uncomfortable to watch but something I needed to listen to

Some of it definitely rung true in my life.

1 Like
#55

Playing with a concept that I’ve just been born 3 years ago and I’m learning my passions consciously as if I was a child where ANYTHING IS FRIKKING POSSIBLE.

My dummy is a mango flavoured cbd vape :pleading_face::innocent::joy::joy::joy:

TW!TCH INSPO: Twitch

Positive feedback from strippers
(I know they can be saying what U wanna hear but they also see a lot of guys and let’s focus on the positive)
I have a nice body and seem like I have muscles lol
And
Nice falsetto voice

#56

Wanted ZP: haircut has made my face look less wide and more focused and I look younger.

On ig I got advertised 7 day free trial to Centr so I am trying it and it’s like fitness nutrition lifestyle app by Chris Hemsworth I think I’m gonna start working out every day!

Has a bunch of no equipment workouts too.

I’m currently around 240pounds 6ft4 I googled healthy weight for this height and it’s 182-222 so I’m gonna do their lose weight stuff till I’m around 220 then do the tone up and maybe after the muscle gained stuff.

1 Like
#57

Day 17

So today starts badly. It started with night before. Shiny white bright screen without night shift (and I think night shift should be stronger on the iPhone) and I’m getting very hyped up playing beat saber and raving with awesome dj on twitch. This is all great but it’s very hard to switch off. So I can’t sleep for ages. I also start getting this sore throat for some reason. I listen to rebirth Q one loop and that helps finally at god knows what time.

Morning arrives and I’m meant to wake up at 8 15 for 10pm flowers shop shift but I just feel so dead tired like this massive tired heaviness is over my whole being and I miss it then keep snoozing til early afternoon (anyone can relate?) when I do finally get myself to keep my eyes open my self talk is super Negative I’m calling myself a fucking idiot etc. I do sort of have an excuse for missing work experience because I have a bad sore throat and it’s similar to symptoms I had when I had Covid.
I do a Covid test and it says negative thank god but I will test again tomorrow.

Anyways play some Beatstar as I’m waking up and then finally put on emperor zp not long after I decide to overcome my resistance and get up shower and clean up a few dishes. Then I decide to go buy all stuff for shopping list from the app to make good nutritious food. This has been a weakness of late and I’m just eating with no discipline etc.
I listen to

2 x EZP
2 x Wanted

And by the time I reach the end of the loops I’m entering the supermarket … tbc … realise I’m late for yoga…

Best hot pod yoga session I’ve had so far being at the back gave me more space and I could still pretty much see the instructor. Also instructor (woman) was very friendly with me.

#58

Day 18 rest
Did my first HIIT workout was tough. Also wtff it didn’t feel like beginner workout lol…
Didn’t cook healthy food.
Saw friend and went for pizza and drank and also went to a bar. Monday night so things are quiet. Woke up late feeling bit depressive when friend came it lifted my spirits.
Ended night playing Halo 3 ODST on Xbox 360 while eating sushi.

Money making outside of job wise there’s an old idea for e-commerce store I want to try and give my best shot at.

1 Like
#59

Day 19
1 x EZP
1 x Wanted

Met mate was in good mood good laughter and bantzz looking for electric keyboard / digital piano to make them music gainz broski. We went to yamaha and they recommended to check out xyz street but the place was closed. there’s salsa place right next to there so we go there for a couple cocktails and also i take a pic with the hostess who is pretty cute (was her idea). In exchange for a good google review and using her name got a free shot lol.

Ended up meeting mum with friend at a art exhibition. Drank some wine.
Went for lebanese food.

Listened to ascension chamber x 1 just a bit earlier

getting so many urges nf wise and im not even horny it’s like a mental thing i dunno it’s weird.

#60

Day 20 rest

woke up late - theirs this weird self sabotage with this. I’ll feel guilt for not getting up earlier and then not want to look at the clock and force myself to keep sleeping until I can’t sleep any longer and of course this makes me unable to sleep the next night til later and then eventually after not long my sleeping pattern is messed up. It’s almost addictive the negative feelings I get from not waking up when I want to.

In recent times I’ve done a lot to counteract this but in the last 5 days or so felt myself slipping back into old ways.

Then I eventually get out buy some paper towels etc. Then I head to a pub by myself and I feel calm just being by myself which is cool. Head to the music venue this week again. Made like one good friend with a guy who does psytrance and he also raps sings and plays a couple instruments.

I was mustering up the courage to share my spoken word poem/ rap and there was a guy on stage waving for me to come up so I start going up the stairs to the stage and then the dude firkin music blocks me and pulls me back. It was annoying coz I had to get over so much mental and emotional nervousness in the first place to be ready since I’ve never really done an open mic before and I find it pretty intimidating - especially considering the talent level of some of the performers.