Geoff's Journal - Reflections of a Hero

[Geoff]

Sat

End of Cycle 5 / Washout

Reflections - 5 mins

Hero Origins - 5 mins

I figured I’d end my 5th cycle with 5 mins. I am not certain but it ‘seems’ to me that processing has been lighter/less taxing since moving to a normal day shift.

Today, Decent 20th 2025 is 10 years of sobriety. I know I have mentioned my sobriety in past journals but today is 10 years. I bought myself a really nice metal sobriety coin.

Back when I was an active alcoholic, I never thought id ever be able to stop. Looking back at my 2nd arrest I know realize it was Jesus facilitating my transformation, the preacher who wouldnt leave me alone in Jail, my strong resolve to ace sobriety court…it was all him. I never got sober on my own, Jesus took it all away and here I am 10 years later. I am a completely different person, doing amazing compared to back then. The gratitude I have today is unparalleled, the peace I was given…Every good thing about me is a credit to Jesus.

1 Peter 5:8 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour"

The stack I am on is not unlike sanctification, its is guiding me to my best self. Im growing stronger Spiritually. I am embodying Virtues, I am mastering myself slowly and surely and its awesome. Ive been quite emotionally open this week as Ive mentioned before, Inner child work is happening. I get these moments of clarity that feel so good but dont last long. I get the feeling the big picture will become clear in time but for now these snippets give hope.

I spent the past 2 days with son, celebrating Christmas since his mother always has him on the holiday. I saw a lot of me in him, he even pointed out qualities he thought that he got from me. I felt proud, it seemed like we connected much better this time. I think the authenticity thats being cultivated in me is really changing things. We saw the new Avatar movie today which I really enjoyed. I was much more participative than before, engaged instead of going through the motions.

This stack changes things for sure. I feel like I went from dead to alive in many ways. To be 100% Sober is truly the greatest gift. Removing all vices from my life is and never ending goal, Im happy to hardly have anything left. While ive been p.m.o free for over a month, completely erasing lust proves challenging but im not giving up. Ardent Light really helps, awesome module.

This has been a really last few days. Still struggling with sleep/clear mind but its moving forward, getting better slowly. Still coloring, its super therapeutic. Things are good.

[Geoff]

I dont have enough love. Im empathetic and think everyone should be treated well but I struggle with “Love your neighbor as you love yourself”.

I realized that I fall short, way short. I tend to be judgmental, condemning and uncaring if one doesnt operate they way I would in any situation. I imagine this is probably not uncommon to the majority but damn, it makes me dislike myself.

I was thinking about Love Bomb, I wonder if, given enough time I could cultivate truly authentic love for others in a powerfully genuine way. I started imagining a LB/LBFH custom. More and more I seem to be getting confronted with the fact that Love is all.

I definitely love myself after using LB but loving others, genuinely and selflessly…not so much. This point has been hitting home repeatedly.

Its so easy to dislike, to hate. But to Love, especially ones enemies or those disliked…that takes serious strength.

[Geoff]

I woke up this morning in a recon bomb. Full of self doubt, frustration and a self sabotage vibe. All of a sudden I miss night shift, mostly because my world was smaller and I felt less exposed. Im feeling lazy and unmotivated too. I wonder whats in 5 min loops that wasnt in 4 mins. Its been awhile since Ive experienced a fully negative shift. Of course I have no conscious understanding of whats conflicting, itd be nice to know but all know is a cranky mood.

Seems like the novelty of all the recent changes is wearing off. Now I am facing the fact that all the expectations I had for how Id feel and be once off nights arent happening and that makes me disappointed.

Being on a normal day schedule feels much more lonely and empty than nights. I know nights are terrible health wise but theres definitely a buffer that insulates you from feeling lonely because you know that everyone is sleeping and just not available. On days, you realize just how alone and empty your days are. This is obviously subjective and my last 10 years were basically on nights save a few months which I let go of any social connections I may have had. Its easy to hibernate from life on nights. Now Im coming out of hibernation and its like whoa.

Its not that I feel lonely where I need someone in my life, rather lonely because I feel disconnected. Being up on days feels like a different world that I am not a part of, I literally feel out of place. I went shopping yesterday around 2pm and the store was packed. I havent been around so many ppl in years. Everyone had a purpose or goal, walking with thier families or lovers and I was walking around almost overwhelmed by the sheer stimulus realizing how empty my existence is. Im not sure I could handle ppl in my life after being in solitude so long with small doses of interaction.

I was a small fish in a small pond that moved into the ocean and it feels uncomfortable. Seems like my mind is reflecting back to me all my worries and insecurities. Second guessing choices out of discomfort and fear. I guess theres no hiding anymore, not that im trying to. Ive been quite open lately but theres a part of me that wants to recoil back into safety by minimizing myself in all ways possible, usually by sabotage whether in my job or socially ect. Is this issue rooted in self worth/confidence? Do I not believe in myself. There is just a strong urge to walk away and I dont know why.

Super irrational state today, sadness keeps coming up too. It should be interesting once all this gets reconciled. I guess my job (consciously) is to control my behavior through this until I return to peace and rationality.

[Geoff]

Real success = needing less.

[Geoff]

Death isn’t just a destination for you. It’s a part of you. It lives in you. It’s woven into the fabric of your soul. There’s nothing you can do but embrace the fact that every day of your life ought to be your last.

[Geoff]

I ran a 15 min loop of Regeneration just now, So restarting my washout. A good 7 more days until the 1st when I start again.

The last 2 days have been tough. Trashed my 31 days of no fap, irrational thoughts, self-sabotage machinations. Depression just showed up and decided to stay, sadness and anger intense feeling of emptiness. Nothing has really changed lifestyle wise but my perception has. On nights I had a routine, a schedule and an identity…now, everything is scattered and unsettled. Its more distressing than I expected.

I looked up a lot. Shift work disorder, ‘relocation depression’ amongst all the circadian rhythm disorder symptoms im going through. Why me, I find myself asking. Why cant I just flip to days and be good? Everything is out of whack and its messing with me. My state of mind, behavior, choices…its out of alignment and I am frustrated. I slept better on nights than I do now. It ‘feels’ like I have so many more problems now.

If theres one thing my stack doesnt have, its motivation. I go back to work on the 5th and right now Im just nowhere close to ready. So I figure maybe Regeneration will help set me up better. I dislike complaining so much, Ive been trying to watch the words I use out loud, to stay positive or neutral at the very least. The perception of things has been a real struggle. Fear of uncertainty, no routine, new job learning stress, no idea if ill even like my new work. I just wanted to lay low and get paid and now it feels much more than that.

Im not sure what Rom & Ros are even doing anymore. At this point, I just want a positive mindset. Life is so much more difficult when tired and when negativity is in the majority. Its crazy just how isolated and disconnected I feel on days, hell Im ready to go to sleep around 10 am these days. I hated nights, it felt so draining and I looked/felt unhealthy but never really felt isolated or empty just alone but by circumstance. On days its much different, more intrusive, more real.

Hopefully I sleep better tonight with regen, I could use a solid nights sleep without tossing and turning. Thats enough venting…I feel slightly better now

[Trader]

Wonder if Python sleep stacked with Regen could help more. Or even just regular paragon.

[Geoff]

I bought a new TV today. I didnt need one, my current one is from 2015 and is 55", I paid $381 for a 65" Qled. After setting it up and checking it out I came to the confirmation that yes, I did not need it.

Irrational and maybe dopamine seeking behavior. At least it wasnt more $.

After listening to Regeneration the other day, my body felt more at least but mentally not much has changed. Frustration continues and this mild apathy paired with brain fog has just been a really joy (not). Things are still wildly unsettled internally, im just hanging on waiting for something to stabilize.

I think I would be better off if I had no tv at all to be honest. Its so challenging to live life when you dont want it anymore. How does someone get past that, overcome such a desire in order to continue pushing forward. Im just so bored with this world, theres nothing new under the sun. Theres nothing really worth doing. Am I just broken? Not sure subs or anything can fix that, lol.

Everyday feels like a mistake. My mindset is way too defeatist and negative. Where did it come from. I was doing pretty good with LB/Emperor custom, good resilience. Then I decided I wanted to explore myself, my Soul and now look…its really dark in here. Theres so much to react/adjust to.

[Geoff]

A constant reflection of opposition, everywhere and its maddening. The clearer you see, the deeper you see and its all around.

Ignorance is bliss, ignorance carries you and allows you to participate without frustration and angst. It supports your meaningless pursuits without resistance because if you are ignorant then wouldn’t resistance not exist for you? Ignorance = frictionless in this context. If you never see a problem then a problem does not exist.

[Geoff]

“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.”

– Charles Darwin

Very true and I am definitely guilty at face value, though is this earthly existence really “life”? It could be one form of life but id argue one of the lowest levels of it. According to the Bible, we are exiles so this “life” is a life of exile so to waste an hour means unappreciation? I think this quote only really applies in ignorance applied in a society.

I consider this “life” no more than a second chance, a final chance actually. All that we do is just busywork, our lives are wasted on vain strivings. I think my biggest struggle in life is that I lost hope in this world and that makes existing exhausting because everything seems pointless. Damn…thats an uncomfortable realization.

[Geoff]

According to Google search -

"A lack of hope in a man often looks like deep cynicism, withdrawal, and resignation, showing up as emotional numbness, extreme negativity, blaming others, intense isolation, lack of aspiration, defensiveness, low self-esteem, and even physical signs like lethargy, or a focus on destructive coping mechanisms, where he feels trapped, viewing change as impossible and life as a heavy, unrewarding burden.

Behavioral & Emotional Signs:

Cynicism & Resignation: Believes nothing good will happen, blames external factors, and feels life is pointless, often taking pride in this negative outlook.

Isolation: Withdraws from friends, family, and activities, preferring seclusion to avoid feeling like a burden or being misunderstood.

Emotional Numbness/Flatness: Appears detached or indifferent, with forced smiles only when around others, masking inner emptiness.

Defensiveness & Irritability: Reacts poorly to questioning, feeling attacked due to internal conflict and a denial of his true feelings.

Lack of Aspiration: No longer pursues goals, shows little interest in self-improvement, and lacks motivation.

Self-Sabotage: May engage in risky behaviors, substance abuse, or self-destructive patterns as a way to cope or feel something.

Thought Patterns:

Black-and-White Thinking: Sees the world in extremes (always/never, good/bad).

Persistent Negative Thoughts: Overwhelmed by constant negative self-talk about his future or current situation.

Feeling Trapped: A sense that he’s stuck in a hopeless cycle with no escape.

Relationship Dynamics:

Emotional Unavailability: Pulls away, avoids deep connection, and struggles with intimacy.

Low Self-Esteem: Feels fundamentally “not good enough,” leading to a reluctance to engage or lead.

Financial Issues (Sometimes): May become exploitative or avoid financial responsibility, seeing no point in building.

If you notice these signs, they often signal deeper issues like depression or severe low self-esteem, indicating a need for professional support."

Well that couldn’t be more accurate in describing my struggle. So essentially I am without hope?

The big question is how to solve this issue?

Do I just add Virtue Series: Hope to my custom and call it a day? Lol…

So far, nothing ive done has restored me. Love Bomb helped a lot, I do genuinely value/Love myself now but it didnt do much for this…ill say ‘yet’ because I only used for a year.

I wonder, in the context of subs available what would help most with addressing a lack of hope and the aforementioned beginning paragraphs listed effects.

If someone feels the way described in the summary, Id understand why reconciliation would be so rough for them, its quite an uphill fight if your subconscious holds these features of hopelessness.

Seems like ive been digging deep in the darkness of my mind and finding unpleasant truths, I cant complain as I literally paid for this, to see whats really going on with me at the root.

[Geoff]

Usually the things a person without hope does are limited to the ones they absolutely must do to keep surviving (getting up to work, finishing tasks…). But anything else just seems like too much work and effort they can’t spare, which is why one of the things that starts failing is their social life.

No hope in this world, only hope for the next. Running on pure survival mode surrounded by emptiness in the present. The picture is getting clearer, once you understand you can find a solution or at least reach for balance.

Randomly wanting to read Psycho Cybernetics so I got the audiobook, ive known about it for years but never pursued it. Must be a manifestation. A man without hope is a serious issue and I must deal with it as it gets in the way of everything. Im starting to see how and why Im not successful, in shape, disciplined or ambitious and very inconsistent…hard to be when theres no hope. Its making sense. But how does one thrive in a literally hopeless world…

[Trader]

@Geoff

Psycho Cybernetics

It’s a decent read/listen. If the audio has the exercises, definitely do them. It will pay off immensely.

[Geoff]

If you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves.

[Geoff]

Ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person you see. I swear I look at myself and it just doesnt seem right, I dont feel that sense of recognition. I understand thats my reflection, Im not delusional lol but it lacks connection, recognition. I dont feel like I relate to what I see.

[Geoff]

I have listened to the first 3 chapters of psycho cybernetics so far. Understanding Self-Image a little more. Listening to chapter 3 made me think about Minds Eye, visualizing yourself and using any positive memory as a foundation for creating a better image.

Ill be working on that. Ive been realizing a lot of things about myself. I have a Negative Cognitive Bias and complain a lot. Most of my posts are just complaining, regular complaining can be therapeutic but excessive or constant is not and I believe I am excessive. Its a sign or underlying issues of course. I dont want to dwell on negative things, I want to solve whatever is wrong.

Ive been making drafts of customs aimed at inner mindset, positivity, negativity nullification, gratitude, motivation ect. I ‘feel’ like pivoting and attacking the things that are coming up in my psyche as needing addressed. Im concerned this is an attempt by my subconscious to thwart my current growth. To be honest, Ive been depressed and frustrated, full of a negative mindset but becoming painfully aware of it all at the same time.

I am having a hard time discerning whether Im experiencing growth from my current stack and all this is a result of processing and reconciliation or is my stack causing stagnation and recon and im just whining in my fog of life looking to listen to something to give me a sense of doing something.

I kind of want to listen to Love Bomb because I feel like shit but then Id be abandoning Hero, the urge to switch is recon but its more than switching. I feel like I am narrowing down the issues and creating a better, more targeted sub to use. Im not sure what the right move is.

I go back to work soon and start training and currently Im just not into it, so im looking for relief from my mindset. But maybe my current stack is working and I just need to keep going. Im just exhausted. I slept 9 hours and went to neurofeedback today and the lady said I looked tired. Im just not sleeping well even if im sleeping long.

Switch Hero for LB or another custom or stay the course. I had so many expectations for how life would be and how Id feel so much better after taking new job and being on days but its been almost 30 days and im not sure anything is better which is causing grief.

Commitment is the right choice, even if my feelings say otherwise.

[Trader]

Hero AND LB might be the ticket.

[Geoff]

Today I ran 15 min loops of Love Bomb and Love Bomb for Humanity. I’d been debating on it for 2 days and it just felt like a need so I gave in.

Last week was really rough. Recognizing my lack of hope in life and the future, feeling so empty while things were being reconciled. I could see in my past few posts that I was pretty unsettled and scrambling for relief and understanding.

I’ve made drafts of a Hero/Glm custom, a LB/LBFH custom and another version of Reflections, trying to fine tune the features and focus needed to address the things coming up. I tend to forget that my current stack is the reason why im seeing these issues im so desperate to address in the first place. I get why people pivot so much on subs, always adjusting thier focus to the newest or loudest issue at the moment only to look like a dog chasing its own tail.

I do completely believe that I have to commit to the Love Bombs soon but I dont believe switching is the right move but was willing to give myself full exposure before next cycle starts. I think for some reason that both Loves Bombs are very synergistic to the Revelation subs, they seem like they would do very well together. If I was just starting my Revelation stack I might have gone with them over Hero.

If I had my way, I’d be using Hero/Glm + Rom/Ros and LB/LBFH all together but thats not something I am capable of handling at this time, its just too much and Im not an experimenter.

I think my naturally negative mindset has held me back from gaining more in my stack and I feel the urge to permanently fix that. I remember using LB and posting about how my pessimism dropped away and in most ways thats still true today but my negative cognitive bias + cynicism and lack of trust causes issues. I want to have a more positive mindset regardless of whats going on but that takes incredible strength and not easily cultivated let alone maintained. I can see Glm supporting this goal.

Maybe Q-pro will somehow allow me to combine all 6 cores mentioned above and the corresponding 30 modules I have saved into some awesome sub but until then, I’ll just have to do one thing at a time or find a way to create 3 customs of 2 cores and rotate them in and out. But with such an endeavor my results would take a long time to show up so maybe just going one at a time would be ‘better’.

All I know is, without positivity everything is more difficult. I could use Emperor or Khan but if im negative or hopeless then im hardly utilizing the capacity of the subs. If I feel good then I tend to do good and that seems to be the whole point. At least this is the realization ive come too after the harsh recon/depression of last week.

[Geoff]

I was listening to chapter 4 of psycho cybernetics and maltz said that “thinking about what you dont want is not rational.” That surprised me as Ive spent my whole life thinking that the best way to figure out what you want is to eliminate all that you dont want to eventually narrow down what you do.

Now, Im thinking about it and it makes sense that I still dont know what I want. Ive been operating in an irrational mindset for so long. It seems vitally important as well to audit your own beliefs every so often.

For me, “What do I want” is one of the most difficult to answer questions Ive ever come across. I ask myself and its crickets…everytime. How can someone succeed in life or move towards meaning if theres no goal or project or want. Thats explains my stagnation.

Can you be a Hero without knowing what you want?

[Geoff]

The 7 Diseases of Attitude by Jim Rohn.

1) Indifference - The Mild Approach to Life

Indifference may seem harmless, but it quietly erodes our passion and drive, leaving us stagnant. Take charge of your life by reigniting your enthusiasm for your goals.

2) Indecision - A State of Mental Paralysis

Indecision leaves us stuck in limbo, unable to move forward. Break free from mental paralysis by making decisive choices and taking action toward your dreams.

3) Doubt - The Worst Form of Doubt is Self-Doubt

Self-doubt undermines our confidence and belief in ourselves. Challenge negative self-talk and cultivate self-assurance to overcome this debilitating disease.

4) Worry - The Silent Killer

Worry consumes our energy and focus, robbing us of joy and peace. Practice mindfulness and adopt healthy coping strategies to conquer the silent killer.

5) Over-caution - The Most Unexpected Disease of Attitude

Over-caution holds us back from taking necessary risks for growth. Embrace calculated risks and step out of your comfort zone to unlock new opportunities.

6) Pessimism - Seeing the Dirt on the Window

Pessimism distorts our perception, clouding our view of the beauty around us. Cultivate gratitude and optimism to shift your perspective and embrace life’s wonders.

7) Complaining - Absolutely Deadly

Complaining breeds negativity and victimhood, trapping us in a cycle of discontent. Practice gratitude and proactive problem-solving to break free from this toxic habit.