Geoff's Journal - Reflections of a Hero

[Geoff]

Sometimes I get this frustrated feeling deep within. I know its not typical recon, its more this frustration over why Ive kept myself back for so long. It bubbles to the surface and cries out “Why do you do it, why are you so scared and holding back”

Im not sure what im holding back though, dont you have to know what you want in order to hold yourself back from said ‘want’. So if I have no idea then arent I moreso idling or stagnating calling it living?

Theres definitely a disconnection from myself. I feel the broken link, keeping me from fully understanding.

[Geoff]

My mind has been accosting me all day.

Im not sure what module is responsible for this ‘khan st.1’ - like assault but its definitely new. Driving home, essentially calling myself out on behaviors and actions that go against what I say I want to live my life according to.

That frustration - that ‘I’ve had enough of this shit’ state has been front and center all day. Im supposed to listen to my loops today, after 4 rest days but im not sure if I should if im getting such overt manifestations from the subs. If I dont listen today, I will remain at a deficit on my cycle schedule but if I do listen, I might cause some form of overload.

This doesn’t feel like typical recon, moreso it feels like a result. Chewing myself out for being an incongruent failure is definitely a good thing. I feel such a strong urge to change, to get things moving. Urgency + frustration is basically it. The wisdom and guidance however isnt quite there yet. Feeling impatient to be honest.

Tired of waiting for my body to adjust
Tired of not sleeping well
Tired of doing more and getting less
Tired of not being able to fix problems fully
Tired of feeling stuck in situations that im not able to overcome due to circumstances beyond my ability or control

My mind seems to want to just get shit done, it all takes times and all my mind has to say is ‘you’ve been waiting 40 years to live your life, times up. Im not waiting anymore’ and so I feel that fire of self indignation.

[Geoff]

Sat

Reflections - 15 seconds

Arete - 15 seconds

After examining my previous posts, trying to understand the inner state of frustration while trying to decide if it was a result or recon, or both Saint dropped the updated instructions.

After reading that through, I figure why not do a hard reset. After all both customs are technically ‘new’ so why not go for this pattern even though only Glm has newer scripting.

I think a lot of that frustration/urgent energy was due to needing actions so the script could manifest through those channels per the new instructions, it made sense. Im just not entirely sure why my daily living wasnt fufilling that ‘enough’. I get the feeling im supposed to search out opportunities moreso than passively waiting for a chance to present itself, at least in certain contexts.

I will try to harness my awareness towards a smaller scale, prioritizing smaller actions consistently and build from there instead of focusing on larger overarching themes of change.

[Geoff]

Had a haircut at barbers, I went much earlier and vibe wasnt the same. I also felt less comfortable and the conversation wasnt like it used to be. I miss Love Bomb, that sub really activated connection between other humans.

I did some push ups today, found out I have a sticking caliper after smelling burnt metal upon arriving to barbers. I feel a mild frustration today but nothing like the past few days. We’ll see how tomorrow’s rest day goes.

I’ll be spending Sunday out in 19 degrees changing out my brakes, no heat in my garage as usual. For some reason my mind is only thinking… “it is what it is” and I like that. Pure action, no time for b.s. as monday comes quick.

I feel steady regardless of circumstances. As it should be.

[Geoff]

Changed both calipers earlier in the cold even brought a bluetooth speaker out with me and listened to 90s rock which ive never done before. I’m feeling decent today with a stable mood and no real sense of recon.

Terrible sleep last night, maybe 4 hours then my car alarm went off and over the next 5 hours went off 4 more times. Really poor, broken sleep. I noticed I had no anger or upset, rather I just responded to the issue. Im really enjoying this calm and centered state, no longer letting the external circumstances sway me emotionally.

Mild ambitious vibe, felt friendly when out in public. Got called sir twice today, aura? Or just getting older lol.

Feeling accomplished, will go for 30 seconds tomorrow after work.

[Geoff]

“I’d rather take my chances following the light than choose to live in the darkness”.

David 2025

[Geoff]

Mon

Reflections - 30 seconds

Arete - 30 seconds

Physically drained today but otherwise was good. Lots of little issues and obstacles at work today. I seemed to view it all in a humorous way, never actually getting annoyed or upset over it. I even stayed late 1 hour. Mild headache hit me around noon as well, I seemed to be doing really well in the face of adversity, no longer so wishy washy. Its looking pretty consistent so far.

I did have a short window of time where I felt I wanted to stop my stack but it was so brief (maybe 10 to 15 mins) that I didnt give it too much thought. Random memories and moments came up as well, usually relating to past mistakes or moments of regrettable behavior but nothing too intense.

Ive been doing some breathing exercises to help slow my breathing during sleep and I think its helping, last night I didnt notice as much waking or tossing and turning, only within maybe 45 mins of my alarm. Between myofunctional therapy and breathing, hopefully things get better. My circadian rhythm still doesnt feel right but it can take months. Sometimes I wonder if I should really be on Regeneration and Paragon until my overall health balances out but im committed already so might as well keep going.

[Geoff]

Its amazing what an extra 15 seconds can do. A lot of turbulence today, ranging from victim mindset, discouragement, desire to quit, sadness, irritation, anger and doubt. To me, this signals the new scripting is trying to overwrite all aforementioned states and my mind resisting and expressing them all.

So whats the move here…

Add extra rest days until no discernible recon then play another 30 seconds?

Or

Wait until no discernible recon and start at 15 seconds again?

Definitely feeling edgy, with an urge to complain. I better quit while im ahead.

[Geoff]

Feeling better today, not as much frustration if any. I find my thoughts keep entertaining the idea of switching up or cutting my stack, my mind tells me its for ‘density’s’ sake.

Im questioning if I need or even want my Reflections custom anymore, asking myself why I was listening in the first place and what ive achieved since using if anything. I changed shifts, changed the work I do and took some positive actions to realign my health. I credit Rom & Ros as facilitating the changes.

It definitely feels like the recon is the exact opposite of the scripting im listening to. Internally I feel unkind, impatient, self critical, doubtful, pessimistic and uninterested which are counter to a lot of the modules in Arete - patience, Winner Overdrive, divine Self-Image, Inner Voice and kindness. Is that how it works? You want to be more kind so your mind expresses its opposite until reconciled? I dont act out/express these counter states but I do feel them inside.

Im definitely taking today as rest day # 2. It wasnt a terrible day or anything, it was just conflicting internally which does not qualify as a non discernible recon day.

If im getting recon overwhelmed at 30 seconds, should I even bother with this stack? My minds really pushing to quit or cut. I feel too irrational to make any reasonable decisions. Looking back since I started the journey, it seems like ive been a mess in general with good days randomly in between. Between daily brain fog, intense mental work at my job and two, dense dual core customs I have to ask myself what was I thinking. I get the feeling ive been spinning my wheels for months but my mind is probably just lawyer gaming itself. It bothers me that I cant listen to more, it feels like im failing even though im not. My minds telling me to just take a break from all subs until April, after im done training. I used to have simple goals on nights, now theres so many more things to deal with, I planned on staying on this stack until September when my personal year changes from a 9 to a 1 in which my focus pivots based on that number in order to maximize growth in said focus area.

Since reaching 30 seconds, my inner peace has left. I wonder how many days itll take to feel no recon. If it takes 5 days then should I even bother…

[Geoff]

Today was better recon wise though I felt discouraged and frustrated half way through day not because of recon rather the inability of my brain to grasp gd&t concepts, missing steps in processes, forgetting what im doing mid action ect. Its overwhelming frustrating to feel so mentally stressed.

I think my Hero + Glm custom was premature, especially during my training time. The custom itself is exactly what I want to work toward though I do not honestly think I have the mental bandwidth to handle everything im handling. I took off from neurofeedback Jan, Feb and March so as not to destabilize myself in any way during this training time yet I somehow convinced myself that two dense custom would be just fine.

I really dont like to quit anything but I need to run only one title or 1 custom max. I just feel mentally taxed everyday, even without subliminals because theres just something wrong and im still trying to figure it out. Id say my daily ‘normal performance’ is a 4/10, I dont even feel average most days. Why am I pushing myself towards advanced development when its obvious my mind and body are struggling to reach baseline. Im going to put my Arete custom on the shelf for now. This week I noticed an increased in memory challenges, lower ability to recall things I learned earlier that day as well as the day before. Ability to conceptualize and visualize models on blueprints is unnecessarily difficult and adding sub processing on top of it is just me being cruel to myself. Focus is in and out, attention fluctuates and I do not feel confident in my mind, If anything I should be using Paragon though I dont have much faith itd do anything to help at this point. If using just Reflections rest of month yields no change in mental ability I might just cease all subs until things improve. After all, whats the point of this stack, these goals when I struggle just thinking straight. Ive been trying to be optimistic but really…im at a cognitive deficit and I have been for awhile and no matter what I do or dont do, nothing has worked to fix what broke. It started with neurofeedback and got a little better but it never went away. Subs arent going to fix it, doctors cant fix it and I cant seem to fix it, at least not so far. Its depressing, feeling stuck. I should have never done it, I feel inept everyday and am exhausted working so hard just appear like nothing is wrong, that im not operating on a below average level. I just want to feel normal again. No brain fog, clear headed and capable with a sharp and alert mind…like I had 4+ years ago.

[Geoff]

"A Quick Technical Note:

Because you are including 2 Cores and a full suite of modules, this is a ‘heavy’ build. Since you are already experienced with 5-minute loops, you’re in a great position, but just be sure to listen to your body as you transition to this new custom. The ‘Virtue’ modules can sometimes bring up a lot of internal ‘cleaning’ (reconciliation) as they displace old habits."

The above is a snippet from support back when I asked for a review of my hero/glm custom.

Idk what exactly it is in Arete but I feel strong upheaval. Unsettled and a lack of peace. I seriously underestimated the Virtue Series modules. Its exactly like I said in previous posts, the opposite comes up as recon. Impulsivity instead of patience, unkind thoughts, dismissive behavior instead of kindness and aversion/avoidance with others instead of charity.

I cant make up my mind about shit. Im feeling like I cant stand myself right now and thats a really uncomfortable place to be. 3 days after the loop and self judgment is ridiculous. It occurs to me that the intensity and persistence of the recon could be showing me just how much I need the scripting.

I do not like who I am, I pursued the scripting that would change me and now Im metaphorically falling apart after just starting. Is it all really just ‘too much’, im doing too much right…I should make a support ticket.

[Geoff]

Okay, I think I might understand. Two words came to me this morning. Victim Mentality. Then I thought about my custom and how the modules are frontloaded, so 30 seconds probably covers most modules and im thinking my toxic core identity was struck directly by courage reclaimed and the success/righteousness scripting.

I can see now that theres no way I can be a righteous, masculine man with things like victim mentality. I was reading about it and with my historical background it fits unfortunately. This makes me want to continue the journey, recon be damned. Most of my journals seem to be various forms of complaining with not a lot of changes.

Im still concerned that its all too much for me right now yet im starting to get the sense that ive been deluding myself into actions that preserve the source of the problems.

I remember going hard with Jim Rohn and psycho cybernetics. Taking inventory of how many mindset diseases I was carrying and then it seems like it all stopped. Im having trouble with balance. Balancing work, growth, healing ect. Stretched thin basically. Im not really sure what my goal is anymore but I do know that my mindset needs work.

[Geoff]

“Nothing in life is to be feared; it is only to be understood”.

Marie Curie

[Geoff]

Fri

Reflections - 30 seconds

Arete - 30 seconds

Today I had increased brain fog and no enthusiasm for work. All day I felt disconnected, I’d zone out or space out way to easily as if my attention was being immediately pulled into a black hole the second I became mentally idle.

I got tired of debating myself on what to do, so decided to just run some loops. I get to work all weekend too so we’ll see how this listening day affects me.

I went shopping after work as I usually do and I had at least 3 different people stop and let me cross thier place or go in front of them. It was odd, as if I was overly important or something. I also caught a few ppl checking me out through glances or one girl locked eyes with me as I passed by. It all felt very direct, purposeful not ambiguous. Its weird being treated with regard and a sort of admiration when you feel cognitively impaired and disconnected.

Anyways, going to keep going no matter how retarded I get.

[Geoff]

Its been a really decent day, 5 hours OT at work went by quickly. I had a good time as far as vibe but also I had better clarity today. Brain fog continues but unexpectedly it was not as bad today unlike yesterday.

Sensations and intermittent fullness in head, forehead and top area. I had poor sleep, maybe 5 hours and a little bit of achiness when I woke up but no escalation.

Mood/emotional state is stable, no freaking out or intense reconciliation. I’ve been in a good mood all day. I’ll probably take 2 rest days simply due to the head fullness.

Theres this sense of “should” in the background im noticing every so often. Its like my thoughts are primed or focused on things I ‘should’ do. The intention feels positive or productive. Just a small inner voice almost whispering about the opportunities I could or should be taking but the interesting part is it feels suggestive not forceful. It feels like a wise guide just pointing out the better or higher ways of living if that makes sense.

I’ve had a few moments as well where the motivation to workout comes on which surprised me because my stack doesnt really give that impression to me, its a nice touch.

[Geoff]

Started to want to clean and so I went to mop the floor after sweeping up only to find Im out of swiffer wet refills. Instead of skipping or going to store, I grabbed a pack of lysol wet wipes and got personal with the floor, wiping it down. It was oddly satisfying and felt good. Must be that stoic joy from Glm…

I Act, I Decide

Progress is claimed by those who move. Action cuts through the fog that waiting only thickens. Decisions made in motion carry more weight than perfect plans left idle. Even missteps sharpen the blade, teaching the hand that wields it. Momentum becomes its own kind of strength, building with every choice owned fully.

In life, this looks like moving without waiting for the “right moment,” creating that moment by stepping into it. Your work and relationships benefit from this refusal to linger — people sense the certainty in someone who chooses, acts, and adjusts rather than hesitating in the shadows.

Definitely noticing this.

Its becoming abundantly clear that victim mindset was/is the major block for me when it comes to success, achievement and pursuing anything. I never thought it was add/adhd, laziness, depression or procrastination…it was pessimism from a victim mindset adopted from my childhood experiences. It makes sense why my mission statement for life was “Whats the point” and the intense dismissiveness towards anything and everything. That coping behavior kept me ‘safe’ but also locked me away from everything. I get a little emotional at the thought of years wasted not pursuing success or quitting so many things.

Theres most definitely a shift in my mindset happening. Opportunities abound, feels like life is opening up to me. Its like standing in line forever and then one day you reach the front and the door opens for you. That sense of vigor you feel at the thought of finally being given the chance. A roadblock is finally being cleared, a limit removed. The energy to act on whatever “I decide” is flowing and the resistance is fading.

What a gift…

[Geoff]

Sun

Reflections - 30 seconds

Arete - 30 seconds

Paragon - 30 seconds

8 hours OT at double time finished, pretty chill day surprisingly. Really solid mood. Only real drag was tiredness but no big deal, comes with having no days off. Ah, the power of sacrifice when you want to achieve your goals. Honestly though, I worked all weekend because I have nothing better to do.

I decided to see if Paragon will do anything for my sleep issues and brain fog, not expecting much but you never know. I also acknowledge that listening to 3 subs on same day is not following the instructions fully, thats on me.

More detached today, in a good way. Nonreactive and grounded. Its nice not feeling so affected by the external environment. Starting to have moments of insight, self awareness of ideas and beliefs I used to have. Feels like Rom & Ros peeking through, showing me contrast from the past to now. Im feeling extra grateful whenever I have a realization of growth after looking back.

[Geoff]

Man, I fell asleep quickly and without my usual sleep aids last night. I still woke up early as usual but, while I was half asleep/awake there was dreaming or at least awareness of thinking/processing which tells me I was in a rem cycle because prior to Paragon I didnt have that.

I also felt really tired, did not want to get out of bed. I have a mild achey head and fullness/sensations on top of head and forehead areas. Stuff definitely is happening. I also have this feeling that if I would have slept longer, I might have woken up sick, as getting up I felt very slightly stuffy as if deep stuff was happening.

Just hoping I dont end up with a headache.

Besides all the above, I’m not recognizing other recon so far. Super surprised by Paragon honestly. We’ll see how the rest of day goes, after all its only 5:30am and I got up at 4am.

[Geoff]

Interesting day, headache never happened so im grateful for that.

Now, It feels like some of the ‘fog’ in brain fog lifted slightly however Ive felt intensely dimwitted all day. Im talking very easily tuned out, poor attention to detail and just a general lack of alertness and awareness which pretty much sums up dimwitted.

Now this is nothing new and wasnt caused by Paragon but I find it interesting just how much more intense the above felt and im wondering if the small decrease in fog allowed the negative features to be more pronounced. It sucks all around, everyday like this trying to do math, program CMM and think in gd&t, its so fucked but I continue to try each and everyday because what else am I going to do…be a 3rd shift stocker at a supermarket? Some days thats all I feel qualified to do.

So the tiredness got less intense around noon but I definitely feel checked out and probably need to sleep for 16 hours (I wish that was possible)

As far as typical recon, I had a few moments of irritation and frustration but it was during times of working with blueprint dimensions and I was feeling cognitively incompetent, ready to give up. Not so much sub recon but it could be. I’d say most recon is physical recon today.

It seems to me that I should keep using Paragon but maybe just once a week on weekends so I dont crash like I am today. To me, today seemed like a positive result but the actual performance of today has been shit, as usual.

Tomorrow starts the Year of the Horse and I’m looking forward to just laying low and avoiding as much trouble as possible. This whole year is dedicated to self work, refinement and flying under the radar, no big moves and no risks. This is the year to play it safe if you’re a rat .

[Geoff]

I display a lot of insecurity related to competence. I am always making comments at work, trying to give disclaimers or caveats about how things might not go right if I do it.

I just realized this. What is this about. I get that I feel utterly ‘less than’ but why am I so often pointing out the handicap? Is this a feature of victim mentality, where Im looking for acknowledgement, sympathy or whatever. Or am I just trying to preemptively explain my future failures? Either way its stupid, I shouldn’t be doing it. No point in drawing negative attention to myself let alone speaking continued failure into existence.

We all know words/sounds are vibrations and also reality programming and I keep inadvertently programming problems into my daily life. Controlling my thoughts and my words is necessary and I have to be more engaged in guarding what I think and speak.

It all seems to come back to awareness, paying attention…