Geoff's Journal - Reflections of a Hero

[Geoff]

Fri

Listening day 29

Regon - 15 min

Arete - 15 min

Its been non stop this week. My days are a series of Thoughts → Actions → Results. I was thinking back to my previous stacks, previous journals. I wrote a lot, had much to complain about ect. The longer I go with this stack, the less there is to say. I literally have gained so much inner peace that there is not much of anything to say anymore. No drama, hardly any thoughts about past traumatic experiences, rare anxiety if at all.

Ive been making big changes to my home environment, its been hard work but well worth it. Everything I seem to be doing naturally have a positive impact. Theres no self destructive tendencies anymore, no self sabotage or wallowing in victim mentality at all. Everything I do is aimed at one goal…getting better. I also have entirely lost the idea of comparison. I am my own standard now, others dont affect me like in the past. Im becoming such a self contained unit. Pure “me” as everything else is stripped away. My inner voice and character are on point. As weird as this sounds, it feels good to exist. I never used to feel that way but now I do.

[Geoff]

Fri

Listening day 30

Regon - 15 min

Arete - 15 min

Last week I listen to Regon first compared to Arete. I had an increase in recon symptoms most of this week. Mentally, a lot of resentment, hesitation, guarding/armouring was tackled. There was more memories from the past coming up, more analyzing and more acceptance of things. Its been a productive week, regeneration definitely took the stage this week.

I forgot to mention last week that I finished neurofeedback. It was agreed upon that unless anything bad happened or I regressed symptomatically that I dont need to come in. Its been two weeks and Im feeling good. I have my next Pri appointment next week, things are moving in the right direction.

In July I accomplished some good goals. Adressing issues with my living space/house was big. I had procrastinated and avoided doing it for years. I have started making a list of projects to not only fix but improve my environment. This year I have really invested in me. Its all internal based. Im truly learning to master myself and my environment. My dedication to myself is inspiring.

Work is going well. Im going back for work training in a few weeks for an advanced class after completing the basic back in June. I actually received some positive praise from my boss and thats rare to hear. I wasnt even looking for any.

I bought my son his first car, it’ll be a surprise. Months ago I would not have done that. I seemed to have changed in a big way. Theres much less resistance in me that used to get in the way of any action I wanted to take. Im more open and giving too, even with my time and attention not just material things. Im much less consumption minded too. I was never materialistic but my desire for external things has dropped dramatically since using this stack. Im more concerned with my character, who I choose to be everyday than anything else.

I will say though, Ive noticed a lot of thoughts and subtle urges to travel. Its been with me a month or two. I havent been on a vacation I planned ever. And no family vacations in 10 years, so this new desire is interesting. It relates to that new openness Ive been experiencing. Im not closed off from traumatic experiences anymore.

The past week also Ive suddenly wanted to buy a small motorcycle. A scrambler, café racer type bike. Nothing crazy but that sense of freedom, travel, experience seems to be searching for an avenue of expression. In many ways I feel like I am coming back from the dead and wanting to engage again. Its pretty cool. I dont have enough to buy the bike outright due to my money going to a vehicle for my son but I cant help but think why not both. The bike is on clearance and even if financed, itd be paid off by next spring. Im honestly thinking about doing it. Ive always deprived myself out of scarcity, fear or self hate in the past. I struggle to justify things and this is no different but we’ll see.

Ive become very settled in myself thanks to Glm. The Joy scripting is a real gift, the past two days have been a real nice bloom. Theres a few coworkers that seem to gravitate towards me and one even told me last night that they feel good around me and even used the word safe which I took as an energetically secure state. And I do feel secure these days and thats such a blessing.

Ive lost a solid 4lbs this month as well. I go longer between meals automatically and when I do eat, portions are smaller. Seems like Virtue Series: Temperance along with Glm is affecting this side of things. I do think Virtue Series: Patience is finally expressing, Ive noticed the impatience as recon months ago has settled. I do much better now, coupled with the detachment from Glm, Im much better at dealing with things outside my control.

Consistency has been the biggest key for me. It doesnt matter what you do for one day or two. Consistent action, good or bad will get you where you’re trying to go. Ive dropped so many bad habits, vices and impulses over the years, most before subs but not all. Virtue Series: Diligence, Glm and Power of Sacrifice have helped so much. Ardent Light is the cherry on top. I absolutely love this module for purity mindedness. I wouldnt have completely stopped masturbating 2 months ago without it.

Things are good and staying good. Im alive again and moving forward, and it feels good. This is how you become better, the right titles that align with you, consistency, action and patience.

[Geoff]

Fri

Listening day 31

Regon - 15 min

Arete - 15 min

Man, what a week. Regon first continues to bring on a bit more emotional recon than expected. Its manageable for sure but can make some days harder than they have to be.

I finally received my son’s car I bought him earlier this week, been getting things ready for tomorrow when I surprise him with it. Im actually pretty excited which is unusual for me as Id be more worried about other things instead of focusing on the positive. I feel like im doing the right thing, strongly and thats what keeping me going in all things.

I tried getting a small motorcycle last week but the salesman refused to remove certain fees even though it did not reflect the true cost of the bike, so I let it go. Im actually quite pleased with myself for how much stronger within myself I was, rather than letting him dictate the conversation. I felt pretty rooted and wasnt interested in the games.

This past week and even last week, since putting Regon before Arete, I seem to lost the desire to ask others about themselves. Im becoming one sided in brief conversations. Part of me feels its rude and I get a little guilty about it. Another part of me recognizes that my old way of social investment was rooted in insecurity, low self worth and people pleasing, so to no longer ask others questions seems like a weird win. I have to accept that not actively ‘chasing’ through communication isnt rude but more a newly healthy boundary that must be embraced. Trying to cultivate a loving heart while also building strong boundaries is proving a bit chaotic for me as I work my way through refining experiences and settling on the proper amount of depth/effort for each situation.

Physically things with PRI are moving in a positive way, breathing is improving, range of motion has improved in all areas and Im onto a next exercise set. I continue to feel grateful for all the opportunities to improve.

[Geoff]

Gave my son his first car, it went well. I felt good about it, hes 18 today. Ive been reflecting on the last 18 years, looking at how I was and how Ive grown over the years. Its truly amazing, the level of change Ive gone through and how much of a better person Ive become. I can see that my son likes the ‘new’ me as well, he reaches out more often, unprompted when before Id go months without a text/call. Im a lot more patient, kind and ‘parental’ minded. I was a lot more detached years ago and thats on me but this custom has installed some really grounded thinking and cultivated a nice masculine aura that I think my son appreciates in a guidance sense.

Since switching up the listening order, my physical drive has faded and been replaced with a strong preoccupation with rest. I was all about starting Spartan the end of September but now Ive backed off on exercise. I still ruck every morning but the rest of it fell off, not even consciously. My body just isnt ready for it. Doing Pri work alongside mouthguard, my body is untwisting and moving toward neutral positioning. My nervous system is recalibrating and when I started feeling relief from Pri the first time, it was an almost immediate off switch of that hard-core, vigilant mindset I had. All that tension built up, keeping me ‘on’ dropped and ever since Ive been on this rest mode. I still execute daily. I finished one home project Sunday aside from some clean up. I still work 6 to 7 days a week but that highly tense, motivated state is gone and I think its a positive thing overall. Im just wondering when Ill reach the point of wanting to work out. Its laziness as much as it is a signal of health, ready to move.

To be honest, the past two weeks my moods been a tad off. Not negative but tired, full capacity type of vibe. That light, joyous mindset is underneath the tiredness. Its a strange type, whole body/mind tiredness that sleep doesnt fix. Im saving up for a new bed which I should have by end of month. Hopefully that helps as I dont think ive ever had sleep that felt refreshing, regenerative or fully rested in my life.

When I rebuild my Arete custom, I might just use Peace alongside it. To further support the direction I seem to be going in. Everything I do daily seems to follow along trend. It all seems to moving me toward a peaceful, solo, low stress life. A lot of self investment, finally putting all the energy I have, back into me and my life. It all feels right, no more wasting time or energy.

[Geoff]

Fri

Listening day 32

Regon - 15 min

Arete - 15 min

Its been interesting. The quest for improved health is going strong. Emotionally ive been changing, especially the past 3 weeks. Embracing a less rigid, more accepting state especially towards the external but also with myself. I started off resisting myself and the slow change from hard discipline and relentless pursuits to this deep need for rest that I consciously labeled as laziness.

Using Regon first the last few loops has definitely reprioritized the slow and safe side. Ive been noticing a mild shift towards the parasympathetic side. Breathing, movement and my default state of existing is more calm overall. Even today where I was rushed and stressed at work the past 4 hours, I was not overwhelmed physically like I use to be. I still feel a sense of urgency and move to get things done but it feels more conscious than physical in effect which is great.

Sleep continues to be average, I keep waking up 2 to 3 hours early and not getting into phase 2 rem which has been reflected in my cognitive performance for a long time but overall much better than 3rd shift and earlier this year.

I find myself open to to things more but at the same time have become selective that there really isnt much worth doing. I entertain the idea of things like traveling but realistically the world is breaking down and I wont bother. Entertainment has lost 90% effect on me too. Its difficult to even turn on the TV. I hardly use my laptop as well. Im either producing value for myself, improving myself and home or working. The world has largely lost its appeal and I really like that. “Friendship with the world is enmity with God” so I feel strongly that I am on the right path. Lately to be honest I find myself wanting to simply become more like Jesus. To cut myself away from the world and live through the Spirit. I find most things and most people mundane. Im starting to notice that in a way, nothing is real. What I mean is its hollow, has no substance. Almost everything is a trick, trap or scam. This world/life is literally a prison and entertainment is designed to distract you so you die in ignorance with no hope of ever escaping. I cant be bothered anymore with the world. Chasing material vanity, money, females ect.

Hero/Glm has really helped me cultivate a simplistic mindset. The more I cut out of my life, the happier I become. I value mastery so much since Hero. Im taking a 2nd class for work training next week so I can become better at what I do. I get compliments from my boss more often than one would expect but I dont do things for any reason other than its the right thing to do and the proper way to be. Things are going great and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[Geoff]

Fri

Listening day 33

Regon - 15 min

Arete - 15 min

Spent all week out of town for work training. It was a good time, I could see my aura affecting others. People seemed to acknowledge non verbally that I was worthy of dignified respect. The people around me seemed to tread carefully around me, not from fear or concern but like a kind of honoring if that makes sense. It was like I could feel thier appreciation for my presence? Because my presence was calm and grounded, rooted like a strong tree.

I finally ordered myself a new bed as my old one was 10.5 years old. Ive been treating doing right by myself this year. Accomplishing things Ive ignored for years. Going to try out the new bed tonight. Things have all improved health wise for me except sleep. I just keep waking up between 2:30am to 6am and cant fall back asleep. Its either circadian disorder or some kind of apnea issue. Im procrastinating on a sleep dr/sleep study because im not really convinced itd do anything.

I was thinking back to my early run of Dragon Reborn, before the last upgrade in relation to Maturity. Every title ive ran has moved me closer in some ways to maturity. Dragon Reborn set me up well but Glm and Hero has dramatically increased my maturity, moreso than I thought it could be possible and with refining what maturity even looks like. Theres a very strong sense of solidity with this custom. I continue to feel remarkable stillness within. I used to be so internally shaky years ago and every sub helped a bit but Arete is truly an endgame sub for me. With the exception of Love, Im really fulfilled. I’ll be adding a 2nd custom end of September to address the love component for full character development. I spent months drafting it, letting it marinate and im finally satisfied. I usually give myself minimum 3 months to create a custom before I even think about ordering it.

Who I am and What I do are the main developments for me now. Character, Identity and Behavior are what I want to develop, everything else flows from them. Possessions, relationships and attention from the world just doesnt seem to matter anymore, its become so empty and vain. Ive changed so much on these subs, sometimes I get confused with who I am internally lol. One more Listening day next week then I washout for a month. Im ready for an integration break. It took a long time to reach 30 Listening days doing once a week loops but its been so worth it.

[Geoff]

Fri

Listening day 34

Arete - 15 min

Regon - 15 min

Last day of the cycle, will be washing out for close to 30 days now. This year’s had a lot of changes and things keep moving forward.

The past month ive noticed a reduction in nervous system activation. Ive seen my sense of urgency wane, my drive settle down along with becoming less reactive to people around me. Ive been struggling trying to look at this as a positive because it seems like a drop in performance across the board. I know that a hyperactive, tense body is not in a good state but it yielded higher performance. Now that im healing and settling into myself, theres much less engagement, at least in a hyper responder way. I do enjoy seeing myself not jumping to accommodate others at work when I was previously. I continue to see small progress in my sleep, only waking up once now and falling back asleep vs waking 4 hours early and staying awake. New bed has been better but only have using it for a week so far. I continue to wake up tired and still not dreaming though. Once I fully fix my sleep, I think my life will drastically change. For now though, I do think im slowly returning to center with all the work im doing on myself.

I continue to not have any interest in entertainment. Movies I can hardly bring myself to watch. I am either sitting/resting in silence, reading or being productive. Much less engaged with the modern or mainstream, theres a decent pull towards the old ways or the simple that feels much more fufilling to me.

Ive seen myself become much more giving when opportunities arise, giving time or attention and really being present for others when I sense they need it. Kindness and Charity modules have been expressing well but I do feel the drain of it due to my low capacity of internal love currently. I’ll be adding Love Bomb back next cycle in order to build a bigger wellspring of Love within and to support the Virtue modules. Arete is a fantastic custom, really satisfied with it and will be continuing it but using it has shown me that the Love aspect is lacking. Biblically speaking, Love is very important to becoming Whole so in my quest to become a complete man, this is the next step.

Ive been getting a decent amount of recognition at work, a Quality engineer who saw me start right on a request said in passing “Always trying to be the Hero huh Geoff” while smirking. First time I heard anyone use Hero with me.

I also has the 2nd shift supervisor (not my direct supervisor) tell the machine shop manager how great of a worker I am, that I actually care and want to learn and that he was impressed with how well I am doing. That was much appreciated.

Coworkers come into the quality lab to talk to me often, I get little compliments or just see how the respect/regard they show towards me. Its pretty cool. I can honestly say that Ive been trying to indirectly improve morale through my positive behavior, work ethic and willingness to help that I think its affecting things and others are simply gravitating to that grounded strength I choose to portray. Things are just better when you do the work with a good attitude, take accountability, give praise when earned, be willing to help always, never complain and express gratitude even when things are difficult.

Listening to Regon first the last few weeks definitely caused more past memories to surface, I ended this cycle with Arete first but the emotional state ive experienced this last month has been much more calm and manageable. The same memory/time has been showing up a lot and im not sure what the message is but instead of being intrusive or provoking a negative effect, it just kind of lingers in the background. Regeneration definitely helps contain things so you can introspection safely without feeling chaotic. Ive never been so calm and grounded overall in my life until this stack. I just wish it was easier or more intuitive when it comes to actively processing memories that show up and stay, I often ask myself why this specific scenario or situation of the past is here but I never seem to get anywhere so maybe its just a me issue.

Still working 6 - 7 days a week, I feel a lot more detached this month as if im disconnected from feeling the ‘stress’ or burden of life. Id say my action taking is almost on auto-pilot as I dont really get that inner indecision/hesitation anymore. I just realize theres something that needs done and I execute, my mind feels more clean, less cluttered with doubt or fear about things. I guess im becoming streamlined mentally. I cant complain about anything really, even the issues im working on are slowly improving so theres nothing to be unhappy about. Patience really helps and boosts inner peace. Times when I would get impatient, I could see a noticeable drop in peace within myself so now im careful not to let myself get impatient, after all what are we rushing for. The faster we live life, the sooner we arrive at death.

Couple things I need more work on

Profanity. @Fire Can you increase the Anti-Profanity scripting in Gentleman’s Speech? Or make another module that cuts filthy language from a person? I need something stronger! Please

Passion. Things I need to do, I do on auto-pilot. Theres not much enthusiasm, fire or passion within me. I feel lackluster, almost like I live dutifully but without vigor. Im curious how I can invoke more passion into my life. (All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy)

Love. This kind of relates to aliveness/passion but not entirely. I feel like I have a shallow well that is drained quickly. I dont feel like theres enough Love. Not for myself or others. I notice that ill see a situation where I could help but then ill start feeling defensive as if my subconscious is saying, we dont have enough to spare, protect yourself first and dont give yourself away. Definitely need to address this, living like Christ with a servants heart takes amazing strength and requires a deep, deep well of Goodwill and Love .

Washout

[Geoff]

Washout

Its been two weeks since I stopped listening and its been turbulent. I experienced a bit of a crash labor day weekend, along with a lower drive. It does feel like ive been processing a backlog, regeneration type blooms come and go. My minds been tying the past to the present, looking for connections and lessons to help overcome things that still affect me. Mentally and emotionally its been more challenging than I anticipated. Sleep the past two weeks has increased in tossing and turning and ive generally felt less peaceful than I did during active listening of my stack.

The overall theme of this washout has been a lost in the fog vibe, im not overly reactive or anxious but rather everything seems unclear. Im constantly feeling like doing less as theres a constant fatigue signal within telling me I need rest. The issue is even after sleep, I dont feel rested so its a struggle. Processing doesnt feel seamless.

On the positive side, at work I am kicking butt. I am the only one doing layouts and ppaps ect and considering theres 3 positions and im the only one, ive been numerous times that im doing really well. Yesterday a quality engineer referred to me as a superstar which was appreciated. I truly believe Hero Origins is the reason why Ive grown so much in this new position, I cant say ive mastered it in the 9 months ive been doing it but the dedication, relentless work ethic and hunger to learn has been impressive, i surprise myself daily.

My sense of self continues to feel more solid but ive also felt an urge to close off or retreat somewhat. I get a lot of deja vu moments then bits of memories coming and going. The other day a melody I heard triggered a weird memory I didnt really recognize and I felt like things I had forgotten were trying to reconnect but couldnt quite get there leaving me feeling puzzled and unclear. Theres been a lot of that happening.

Gratitude can make you feel really stable and less anxious among other things. My inner world though unclear lately is quite positive and my thoughts always react positively when some outside force expresses negativity. Its pretty awesome to respond to a negative event with detachment and freedom, positive outlook and empowering feedback. It makes you feel invulnerable in a way, untouched and thats really something. Now if only I can achieve that same result within and not let my emotional state dictate what I do or do not do so much. Though I think its processing backlog reconciliation lately and should clear.

When I start my stack up again, Im going to start back at the beginning and try 2-3 days a week vs once a week for awhile. I haven’t rebuilt Arete yet nor built the other custom, took me months too perfect them. Im still very much of the opinion that Love is needed more and will be bringing back Love Bomb, I feel the insufficiency everyday and I see the lack in my behavior and words often. The capacity I have currently is just not enough. So continuing with Arete and adding Love to it will hopefully be what im looking for. After all my entire goal put in the simplest way is to become a “Complete Man”.

[Geoff]

Both new/Updated customs ordered. My updated Arete custom arrived within 6 hours. Impressive.

This week has been much more stable. Ive become overly popular at work as more people seem to gravitate towards me. The 2nd shift supervisor and I seem to becoming friends which was unexpected. As far as my position, Im pretty much the “Keystone” now as my boss and coworkers have repeatedly expressed my indispensability.

I feel quite good in my body and mind. Resilient, empowered and diligent. Definitely on the right path, pursuing wholeness. I feel strong gratitude for all the opportunities to improve that I have now and blessed with the new mindset built through these subs and the actions Ive taken. Hyped for the next cycle.

[Geoff]

Day 1

Arete - 15 seconds

Agape - 15 seconds

Today is my 42nd Birthday and the start of my next cycle. I rebuilt Arete, adding Avatar and Faith Unyielding modules. I also built Agape, a custom ive refined over 4+ months finally satisfied with its modules.

Arete

Cores:

1. Hero Origins
2. Godlike Masculinity

Modules:

3. Avatar
4. Inner Voice
5. Ardent Light
6. Faith Unyielding
7. Divine Self-Image
8. Power of Sacrifice
9. Virtue Series: Hope
10. Breaking The Cycle
11. Courage Reclaimed
12. The Feedback Loop
13. Virtue Series: Charity
14. Carpe Diem Ascended
15. Gratitude Embodiment
16. Virtue Series: Patience
17. Virtue Series: Kindness
18. Virtue Series: Diligence
19. Virtue Series: Temperance
20. Synergy: Winner Overdrive

Agape

Cores:

1. Peace core
2. Love Bomb

Modules:

3. Eventide
4. Manipulus
5. Heliotrope
6. Art of Trust
7. Sun-Kissed
8. Living Truth
9. Golden Hour
10. The Keystone
11. The Boundary
12. Deep Listening
13. Photosynthesis
14. Pride Unbroken
15. Light of Humility
16. Path of Forgiveness
17. Discordia Deliverance
18. Attachment Destroyer
19. Love Without Attachment
20. Essence: Human Connection

These two should encompass everything I felt I was missing during my last cycle. This past washout was a lot of hit & run reconciliation which made me want to restart back at microloops. I was planning on going full loops with arete while building up with Agape but I think starting at 10 seconds for both is better.

I did lose a bit of drive over washout and that disciplined go, go, go drive I lost after starting PRI hasnt returned which I believe was the result of a dysregulated nervous system not a healthy mindset/state. Sleep is still challenging and has somewhat gotten worse lately but I keep working on it. Ive also noticed that im less engaged with others, not as attached or invested as I used to be. I think this is good but I cant help feeling like im coming off cold.

A big reason for Agape is to build within me, a deep well of capacity to which I can better serve others without needing anything in return. Kind of like Jesus who is the servant of all because he is greatest of all. I definitely think Peace + Love Bomb will help cultivate the things I presently lack while Arete continues to build the man I am meant to be.

I look at Arete as building the spine and Agape as building the heart of the man. Power then direction I guess. The goal is completeness. To me, the refinement of character through subs overtakes all other vain interests. Im looking forward to the growth. Im excited for Path of Forgiveness, Light of Humility and Heliotrope right now. Humility is very important to me, forgiveness for myself and others is paramount to my Spirituality and quality of life and the warmth from the Sun modules like Heliotrope will reduce that coldness and dismissivness I seem to carry natively that can seem abrasive at times.

[Geoff]

Notes from today -

Went to work a little after loops. Felt fine most of today up until about 7:30pm where slight agitation, fatigue and impatience started showing. Driving home at 10pm was no better. Impatient, intolerant and dismissive thoughts. Basically feeling cranky

Im not sure how much of a full customs script you get at 10 seconds or if its just the new zpu build im experiencing but 10 seconds is enough that I see noticeable recon symptoms. Theres this nagging irritation within my mind paired with a sort of unawareness that makes me feel empty minded and unfocused on the surface. Hoping I’ll just sleep this all off.

[Forexpreneur]

@Geoff

Im not sure how much of a full customs script you get at 10 seconds

Apparently quite a bit. I am building my 1st custom and Support recommended to start at 15 seconds then go less if needed, but to not go over 15 seconds for a while since it is mostly a healing title that I’ll be using for about two years.

I was specifically told to take it slow, that upping the listening time isn’t actually going to give better results. It blows my mind that only 15 seconds is sufficient enough. You’re doing 10 seconds and still getting recon, and I get it. It takes almost 5 seconds for the sound to fade in so there must be a ton of information right from the beginning.

It’s mind blowing to me. But the results I’ve had from just 30 seconds on name embedded majors the last couple of months is incredible.

[Geoff]

Today started slow, I was tired even after half ass sleeping an extra 2 hours. Once I started action through daily living things started moving. Exercised, used my light therapy then went to remove an aftermarket car alarm on my car that was causing problems. Two hours later I was successful which really inspired me because ive never messed with wiring before. The Feedback Loop definitely activated, I felt really good about my competence and could feel confidence in myself growing. Gratitude sprang up within me as well as I felt thankful for the opportunity and the result of said endeavor.

Proceeded to mow the lawn, repair a fence and some other smaller jobs too. Diligence scripting crossed my mind. It seems like mentally I felt empty all day but consistently worked through everything that needed done today, so maybe the empty-mindedness was actually just peace? Allowing me to just execute all day long. I could feel Inner Voice doing its thing when working on my car, ever positive, can do type thoughts flowed throughout my mind helping me to accomplish the daunting task. I had to replace my starter wire back together that was barely long enough which was interesting, I noticed just how utterly calm I was throughout the day. No anxiety, no doubt and no sense of urgency or pressure. Just pure, smooth momentum. Really quite impressed with my behavior today. I love it when I take a day off work and accomplish so much, so satisfying.

Tomorrow’s Loop will continue at 10 seconds

[Geoff]

Day 2

Agape - 10 seconds

Arete - 10 seconds

Switched the listening order today. Doing alright, about to head to work. Feeling slightly chipper, maybe hopeful overall. Time seems to be subjectivley moving faster today, for me an hour seems to go by as if it were 5 or 10 mins.

[SaintSovereign]

@Geoff

Proceeded to mow the lawn, repair a fence and some other smaller jobs too. Diligence scripting crossed my mind. It seems like mentally I felt empty all day but consistently worked through everything that needed done today, so maybe the empty-mindedness was actually just peace?

I mentioned similar experiences with PEACE and Summertime. Based on our research, for those of us who are not used to having “peace” in the system, it can express as “boredom” or as you’ve put it, feeling empty minded. It is the side effect of a society that values non-stop intensity and stimulation. When inner peace begins to rise, the system is not used to it and the end result is that sensation of emptiness. It will pass and eventually, a sense of joy will occur even when doing something non-stimulating.

[Forexpreneur]

@SaintSovereign

Based on our research, for those of us who are not used to having “peace” in the system, it can express as “boredom”

I don’t want to hijack this journal but this video is very fitting about why “boredom” is very important.

You Need to Be Bored. Youtube video.

[Geoff]

Today became stressful. At work one cmm went down, the queue board is not getting any smaller, work is piling up and the supervisor is subpar to put it plainly.

For some reason Ive been able to carry a somewhat humorous inner state all day. Sure there were moments of frustration expressed verbally but it stopped there, almost disconnected from the rest of me. I just kept working, kept moving through issues. I am quite impressed with this level of detached resolve in spite of increasing stress and burdens. Glm and Peace both seem to be creating such a powerful resilience paired with a light joy that this is honestly the most unaffected ive ever been. Feeling unpleasant emotions yet seeing my behavior unaffected by them is incredible. Thinking back to all the times my emotional states caused poor choices or impulsive reactions and how that made my life more difficult to now is wild, what a gift.

Recon seems low to nonexistent today but I cant be 100% certain. Zpu build is definitely more effective than my last custom build, no doubt.

Ive seen that video on boredom before and agree. I live in solitude outside of work and often spend time just in my head away from stimulus. Boredom inspires creativity, solutions and self inventory. I appreciate opportunities of boredom, good things always come from it even if boredom itself feels unpleasant.

Im also noticing the fatigue comes on earlier this week since starting this cycle. As if my body feels tired earlier but my routine hasn’t changed. I think my nervous system is relaxing more, allowing deep, true tiredness to express more freely. I think im moving more toward a parasympathetic state in general. Its 9pm and I feel how I would around 11pm. Its been fairly consistent, probably 2 out the 3 days. Will keep tracking but so im pleased, makes falling asleep easier even if my later sleep is still messy.

[Geoff]

Day 3

Arete - 10 seconds

Agape - 10 seconds

Yesterday went well. This internal sense of lightness is pretty cool. Im not sure if its Glm, Peace or Love Bomb but I get these moments of blissful joy, where I start smiling and feeling this deep gratitude and affection for how everything just feels ‘right’ or dare I say complete.

Today the empty-minded state continues and im starting reframe it in my mind towards inner peace instead. I seem so unpeturbed. I have to leave an hour early to work this week and get stuck in traffic due to construction for an average of 25 minutes each day along with mounting workload and pressure at work due to losing capability of equipment and being short handed yet I feel 85% unbothered. Sure theres moments of frustration that creep up but its easily and quickly let go and I continue on. Its really quite something to witness in myself. Its like Nonchalance but different, stronger.

Last night I caught myself questioning my life. Awareness I think is growing. The point of my efforts, the whys of decisions, my end goals. I think my reasons for doing things are being questioned and updated in order to improve my life. I got mandated to work Saturday and I normally volunteer for every weekend but today I got out of it. Im still not entirely sure why I am choosing not to work, it feels almost subconscious. Like the decision isnt fully mine. As previously said, I think my nervous system is overriding something and im making uncommon decisions for my own benefit. I seem to want to value my personal time more at least since starting this cycle. Im coming to terms with the fact that working as much as possible benefits me financially and that also no matter how much I sacrifice that any company I work for wont fully appreciate my devotion. Since yesterday I’ll feel these stretches of deep tiredness come on throughout the day as well as noticing fatigue coming earlier than usual. Its funny as well because I’ll also get these urges to spontaneously exercise, whether I bang out 5 - 10 dips or 10 push ups the urge doesnt last long but leaves me satisfied when I take the opportunity. A weird dichotomy.

I should read the salespage for Peace to see whats expressing and get a better understanding. I havent read it since release.

Im feeling an impending sense of reclamation. A return to self or a return to wholeness building. I think if I remember correctly, thats mentioned in the copy for Peace. I for sure feel that.

Im not sure wether to do 3 days a week leaving weekends to process or just follow every other day until 30 then washout. Im leaning towards weekends off atm but we’ll see.

[Geoff]

Last night I felt drained at work. Pushing myself through the shift until a second wind hit around 8pm. My son’s mother texted me out of the blue relating belated birthday wishes and sending me walls of texts about our son. I dont usually hear from her, and we have a detached civil relationship so last nights outreach seemed irregular in itself. Ive been wondering what spurred it.

This morning I woke up tired, like not getting out of bed tired. My eyes just wanted to stay closed. Theres such a deep tiredness in me thats kind of annoying and that rest/sleep does not address. I am confused if this increase is reconciliation based or an actual result of scripting. Granted im using my mouthguard, doing PRI and specific exercises to help with asymmetry ect so its not all isolated to my stack but has noticeably increased since restarting this cycle.

At work today my supervisor offered me her lunch she never got to eat before leaving. I chalk this up to Love Bomb effects. I accepted even though some ingredients are on my avoid list.

My mood, drive and energy overall have been up and down in all honesty. My demeanor is pretty consistently positive if not neutral at times but internally I carry this sense of exhaustion and lack of capacity that tries to express externally but I do my best to maintain an appropriate character. Thoughts of love and loving thy neighbor have been on my mind too. Thoughts of forgiveness, needing to let go of past hurts keeping me from expressing love or even acknowledging and celebrating others joy. Its processing. Last night I was a little emotional at times as stuff came up. Today im a bit agitated from the inner excavations but still able to function properly. I think ill listen to a loop tomorrow then start Mon as 3 days a week schedule with weekends off. If I feel more rough tomorrow then ill know its recon not results.

[Geoff]

1st Peter 1:22 Kjv

“Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently:”

Unfeigned is an adjective that means genuine, sincere, and completely free from pretense, hypocrisy, or fakery.

Ive always been unauthentic for many reasons. Mostly fear. It boggles my mind when I see genuine love towards people, I mean I can relate emotionally and I can psychologically agree with it but theres a disconnect in me. I can play the part with the best of them but im not sure ive ever truly felt selfless, sacrificial and supportive love towards anyone. It bothers me, I feel like im failing. I should carry within me a desire to love and help and most days I have the thoughts and ideas of it but recoil from the action/application of it. I’ll fantasize or entertain scenarios of opportunities to help, love or support but I dont go out of my way to pursue charity.

I can acknowledge that my past is still unresolved and is interfering with authenticity and genuine love. I keep everything at a distance, never get close and use my past as justication for not acting in moments of opportunity.

I added some decent modules to Agape to help me with this. Just responding to my ex last night, I felt contempt, defensiveness and an unwillingness to acknowledge the things shes shared that shes done for others. I of course replied back positive words but it wasnt genuine or authentic. It was as if I became offended and hurt at hearing how she had expended effort to help others and was mad that she would would tell me as if I was expected to validate her achievements after the history we’ve had. Her betraying me, me willing to forgive in order to give our son more stability back then and her separating regardless choosing selfishness. The clear lack of forgiveness scares me, I dont want to hold grudges against anyone but apparently these resentments are still with me. Its things like this and fear of judgment, acceptance or connection that block the light of love from expression.

Ive lived in relative solitude since sobriety and I thought I was good. I am good, as long as I am alone. This is going to be harder than I thought. My ex is just one small trigger. I push everything away…yet I want to love and serve as Christ did. I am one hell of a hypocrite.

Love - seems to be the most difficult thing ever and dare I say the most important.