Everpresent and ego adsum, part of the synergy grouping. I’m not sure I’ve noticed better presence from these. I’m sure dissociation probably overpowers it but it’s something I have yet to recognize.
Appollon synergy has helped me look healthier. My skin seems to have a fuller, creamier look compared to that tired, thin look from stress. My haircuts get better and better or I just look better. Growing my first beard at 40. Things I’d never have done before. Between this and sps: Fat Burn, I’m slimming but my weight doesn’t change, it’s like a static recomposition.
Even though I seem to be in a depressive spell right now, self care and posture have been impressive. I continue to do what I do, I just don’t feel good while doing it. After reading in the forums, I got some insight. Recon can be harsh when you don’t know your purpose, have no real goals and lost site on the why of using subs. After all it’s a tool, a companion of utility to help realize the self you wish become in the future with positive action.
I just struggle with how stagnant I feel. I think about actions to take and I have taken steps to improve but the bigger picture is missing. There is no grand idea I’m working towards and perhaps that’s where the depression stems from. Dealing with daily dissociation, it’s hard to harness my consciousness and focus it on introspection and strategic development of self when I’m disconnected from my self. I guess fixing that would logically be the first step. I’ve been trying to cure it and so far I haven’t reached that point yet. Whatever exists in my mind that’s feeding the dissociation is keeping me stuck, frozen. I have caroe vitam synergy in this custom and I swear you’d think I’d be full of drive and ambition yet it feels like that module was put on ignore in my mind.
Man I really don’t know about DR, I’m just not feeling the pull nor do I feel the energy to run it. Emperor has really helped me to “just keep swimming” as Dory would say (finding Nemo reference) in spite of a nagging sense of futility following me around. I suppose I’m grateful for finally understanding this issue that at first labeled as brain fog. Honestly I don’t think subs are meant to do anything regarding trauma based dissociation, it’d be nice it they were but if neurofeedback therapy hasn’t broken through I guess I shouldn’t expect anything from subs either.
I will say that I’m getting very close to ordering my Rom/Ros custom…I get the feeling that deep exploration of the self might help create a connection to my past so I might face whatever is so bad that my mind is literally disconnecting me from it daily. It’s been an enlightening journey these 6 cycles, I’ve definitely had improvement but I’m starting to feel I’ve hit a wall. A trauma wall unwilling to allow more growth maybe, either that or I’ve over exposed and can’t see it. Holidays never help either, I always feel low on holidays for some reason. It’s funny, I hardly recognize that it’s about to be new years, the idea of new years feels so far removed from my mind. There’s no thoughts towards 2025 or any excitement or emotions at all. Sometimes my mind just feels broken.
On the brightside I think Gentleman’s Speech is blooming, I think I’ve not cussed in awhile and when I do communicate with others, I say less and my points seem more accurate with less filling. It’s so odd to walk around feeling like there’s a cloud in my mind yet my verbal capabilities, Speech ability seems untouched. I can verbally ramble or write a lot but problem solving, reading, mentally connecting to an idea, computation, attention, attunement, focus and concentration all feel dysfunctional.
I’m already getting bored with the game I started to play 2ish weeks ago. I can’t understand why I started up again. I’ve enjoyed this custom and I still agree that it’s the best one I’ve made so far. It feels right, always has but I’m not convinced it’s what I need to continue with.
Thought dump complete
but it’s always felt like cool water to me. Dousing the neurotic flames of dysfunction within me.