Geoff's Journal - Evolution

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#121

This washout is digging into me. I’m starting to resent my job. Emperor has me seeing just how dead end it is. The joy and gratitude from cycles past is still missing. I’m feeling ungrateful, angry at myself and resentful for my life currently. Objectively I’m doing okay, I should feel blessed. Subjectively I’m a loser who quits everything he starts, plays it safe and is totally disengaged with his life and surprised by the harsh reconciliation designed to re-engage me with my life.

My moods been everywhere. Defeatist vibe following me around, beat down energy. I’d rather feel empowered and I wonder why I’ve been feeling so low. I woke up kind of sad and depressed tonight, reminds me of my first 3 months on Love Bomb, before I ever made this custom. It’s entirely possible that I’ve hit a new level in my psyche and it’s being dealt with. Some days I feel crazy, intrusive thoughts, unpleasant memories and images hit me and it’s like I don’t know what the hell is going on. I’m starting to think that I’ve been living in a semi dissociative state for years just to cope with the repressed experiences of my past which I don’t realize are influencing my current state of disengaged misery that I call my life.

I’ve been thinking of going back to using Phoenix next cycle but is more what I need or do I just need less.

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#122

Every new level comes with a new devil

I’m incredibly bored. My Soul is bored, it’s deep down boredom. Unfufilling existence.

I’m wearing my discont on my sleeve at work. I noticed the past few days, especially last night how I’m almost being avoided. Less eye contact, less acknowledgement. As I pass people, they used to nod or greet but now they literally look elsewhere.

The one coworker I was kind of cool with literally cut left down another aisleway as I was walking back to my area. I watched to see if he actively going somewhere specific but no, he literally was on the same path I was, just took a longer detour. I even noticed he was out of work later on, offered him to come over and work at my cell. He kind of light heartedly acknowledged me while also sounding dismissive. And he never came over. I’m honestly a little offended by the principle of going out of my way to help and being blown off.

So I understand I have no friends at work and I use that term very loosely. I’m probably giving an off putting vibe at work but regardless I can feel myself hardening towards/against my job.

Is this what others were saying about Emperor and jobs. It feels like a necessary waste of time to me now. Discontent blatantly advertised in my demeanor. I’m steadily losing whatever drive I had and whatever respectful good intentions that were in me.

I’m in a fuck this and fuck them mindset and to be honest it feels toxic and unproductive but maybe it’s not?

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#123

It is, what it is and so be it

Two phrases that have been on my mind since yesterday. Seems like its acceptance related. Once I snapped out of this Love Bomb inspired openness towards everyone, which devolved into me deluding myself that others would want to form friendships with me. I felt this shift of nonchalance and detachment. A sort of authenticity in accepting that I wanted more connection and to fit in, only to realize I’m unlike those around me and that I don’t have to feel bad about it as if I failed in some way because no connections were made.

I’ve been looking for connection in all the wrong places and all the wrong things. There’s no need to walk around with this vibe I’ve been carrying anymore.

Needing nothing, attracts everything and this is the goal.

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#124

Do not feed what you do not want to grow.

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#125

Cycle 6

Sat - 4:30am

Evolution - 9 mins

I was planning on going back to l 8 mins but I wasn’t paying attention so I went to 9. I has recon and processing everyday until today. It’s pretty clear I had a backlog to clear. Full loops of Wtp along with Evolution were piling up.

I felt good at 8 mins, noticed my heart rate rose around 4:45 to 5 mins. My goal is to not overload myself this cycle.

There has some some freedom of perception for me this washout. Namely with connections and my job. Something clicked and I just feel less attached, more outcome independent in general. It’s a stressful month but the resilience scripting keeps me moving forward in spite of it.

I’m still holding flat at 145lbs but I am noticing some definition forming. I haven’t felt much motivation or desire or drive on this journey. I guess if I pushed myself or chose to be more active then things would most likely start showing up physically. I seem to be way more in my head, working on mindset.

Since starting this custom my diet has become seriously simple. I hardly eat more than 3 ingredients at a time and my foods are all real food, single items. Aside from Salt, I don’t use any spices or sauces anymore.
I’ve been growing my hair out and my facial hair. I’ve always been a High & Tight guy until this year.

Both seem to correlate to masculinity to me, I’m sure Apollon is a big contributing factor as well.

Emperor seems to have 3 focuses. Personal power, Wealth and Romance. I realize that I’m focused and interested in only 1/3 of Emperor…Personal power.

Digital currency and tyranny is coming soon. I’m not even sure how wealth subs won’t be completely useless and obsolete next year and beyond. Programmable tokens and universal basic income tied to your social credit score, how’s Eog going to help anyone? Lol…

Romance…females today have absolutely no clue their role nor do they have any love or respect for Godly, Masculine Men. Pursuing a women today is just pursuing your own death. I look around at the immaturity, the whorish nature and disdain towards men as a flashing warning sign. I’m good.

So all that to say, I’m liking the resilience and maturity I’ve been gaining. I’m contemplating going back to just Love Bomb after this cycle. Seems like I’m processing a lot of scripting that I’m not really wanting to utilize if I’m being honest.

Frankly I don’t see a future here anymore. This world is garbage (done on purpose) and I think a lot of my struggle is because I’m checked out yet it’s necessary I continue to participate if I want to eat and sleep in my bed. More and more I’m seeing less and less Subs I want to try, it’d be cool if there were a sub that was like Glm + Hero + Love Bomb infused with the goal of making oneself Christ like. Becoming as Masculine and strong and virtuous as him. Seems like that’s the goal for a custom sometime.

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#126

You should use them, they have antioxidants and trace minerals. I mean no sauces etc. but the real spices like rosemary, thyme, garlic etc.

#127
#128

Thanks, I watched it. Fair points on insulin resistance and the subtypes of body state.

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#129

Before my loop I was tired and bored, waiting for morning so I could go to bed.

Turns out by 9am I decided to go change the oil on my car, it’s 10 degrees out but I did it, it had to be done. I’ve been hearing this little whisper in my head saying “Don’t be a little bitch” … is this in Emperor’s script? Lol

I think my current subconscious programming does not like Emperor, why else would I be lawyer-gaming the phuck out of myself.

Truthfully I want to get my Spirituality custom I’ve been sitting on and drafting for 7 months. Fire approved it with a recommendation of solo listening because it’s a bit on the heavy side. So Idk what to do if I’m still on this Evolution. Do I redo this custom and make it lighter or just run the other custom, if I get it at 30 seconds until I master this one. Only time will tell.

After I showered, I weighed myself and I’m 142lbs, so my last post was 3lbs off. I guess results are moving forward. Honestly I just need to exercise but in my mind it’s just not an interest/priority and I own that. I’ve gotta do more. All I know is this loop this morning charged me up…should have ran it tonight after I slept.

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#130

Today I felt more ‘alive’ but had some aches in head and some moderate reflection. 9 mins seems just a tad over just right.

I gave in and tried The Art of Happiness - 1 min. I seemed to have felt an abrupt resistance or unsettleness around 35 seconds. I’m not sure if it’s because my custom already filled my queue or maybe the new script is a shock to my current mindset.

Been thinking a lot. Between processing old memories and scenarios that brought traumatic experiences and trying to excel in a dying world…I’m not convinced I really want anything. My desires have shrunk and fell by the wayside over the years to just maintaining the basic needs. Truly, I’m becoming less and less interested in the worldy. I noticed I’ve lost interest in a lot of subs I used to want to try. I seem to be letting go of people, my Fri from high school, people at work, even family. There’s a big pull to let go. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it.

There is such freedom in detachment. I used to feel so sad, wondering why I wasn’t part of this or that. Why other people were so social and involved, chasing each other ect. The less I feel, the less I care and the less connected I am, the more free I feel. I can’t tell if I’m building anything, am I building an empty kingdom lol. I swear, nothing I have can I take with me.

The only thing I have is my Soul, so what is all this other stuff, vanity. I’m starting to really like myself, to like the simplicity. As the brainwashing, programming and indoctrination is slowly washed away, I can see and understand my true self more and more.

Bees in a hive, escape the hive and see the truth.

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#131

I don’t want to play the game anymore. I don’t want to participate in the illusion anymore. The challenge is not getting drawn back into it, it’s too easy if you don’t stay separate and vigilant.

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#132

Just about 30 mins after that 1 min loop of AoH, I’m feeling a lighter vibe. There’s a sense of contentment in the simple and mundane. As in I’m just taking of laundry, about to watch Hugh grants The Heretic movie and I’m just feeling A’okay at the moment.

Not bad

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#133

Ever since running Aoh, I’ve just felt less stressed and nothing has really changed. I also noticed my mind thought about a game I played almost 6 years ago, apparently I was “happy” playing it. I’ve started the process of recovering my account with support. We will see if I still like playing it. I remember quitting it back when I was in a relationship. Honestly I have a disdain for gaming because you’re not producing actual value compared to the time you invest in it. But the sub definitely put my mind on it as a happy outlet.

I’ve also been feeling more mature, grounded since sunday. For some reason I’ve been especially sensitive in regards to my mother, childhood and how I am now as a dad. I seem to be easily upset/triggered during this holiday. I’m still trying to understand it all but at least it’s not stressful, it just seems to come up every so often which I guess is a hint I need to face it. I wonder if this is being pushed by Aoh for me to let it go. I thought I’d already forgin my mother for things but there’s definitely animosity still hanging around when she starts to push in her many ways, as all moms do.

Otherwise it’s been a good few days.

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#134

It’s interesting at work. I’m really getting the vibe that I don’t fit in. Am I giving off a weird vibe or a higher vibe than the majority? I’m definitely feeling set apart in general. There’s a distinct feeling of being on my own everywhere I go.

It’s not emotionally charged, or sad. I’m just feeling isolated, alienated and separate. It’s so matter of fact.

No idea where this is coming from but it’s strong. Like an alien in a strange land kind of theme.

I’ve also been facing a lot of past scenarios and memories about be included, avoided or cast/left out. Maybe I’m manifesting the past theme now and it’s affecting my daily life. Feels kind of like a lesson in the making. I know the world is about to turn so maybe this is message from my subconscious to get ready to be set apart or accept being on one’s own on a greater scale. Who knows but things really do get weird sometimes.

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#135

Weds

8am - AoH - 2 mins

8pm - Evolution - 9 mins

I started playing the game I mentioned previously. Been feeling empty lately, in a good way. The stuff previously that was just eating at me, stressing me out seems to have faded away and I now feel empty.

Stronger feeling of resilience too. I’m feeling very ‘whatever, I can handle handle it’. Much more unconcerned, almost feels like a super bloom of Total Nonchalance specifically.

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#136

I find myself a lot less interested in what I was just a week ago. I’m more focused on ‘doing what makes me feel good/happy or brings satisfaction’

In a way, I don’t like it because it’s unfamiliar almost uncomfortable. Previously I was plugged into my reality on a visceral level. Feeling the boredom, stress and inevitability of problems coming into my life. It fostered challenges for me to meet head on, preparing like sub model alpha, going over scenarios, events and what ifs and then planning to mitigate them in whatever ways I could. That was a big part of my existence daily. But now, I feel so careless. I seem more focused on for lack of a better phrase…pleasing myself. Focusing on fulfilling myself through positive choices and avoiding things that I used to see as necessary.

I kind of feel like AoH’s scripting is giving me permission to be a child again, in a way. Child like mindset in regards to being content, simplicity and curiosity. I care way less for the world, for grinding, for chasing anything. It almost feels like pleasurable complacency? Truly, I’ve never felt ‘so’ content at idle. I can literally just be without any pressure or urging to ‘do’

It’s all very interesting.

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#137

Sun

8am - AoH - 3 mins

9pm - Evolution - 10 mins

I woke up tonight feeling typical recon in internal hostility, intolerance and agitation. Seems 3 mins of AoH hit a nerve. Adhereing to my schedule I listened to 10 mins of Evolution, felt smooth in the moment.

I had my son/mother over for early Holiday yesterday and all that. It went okay. Tonight feels more hollow, The holidays always affects me in an empty way, I never understand it. Aside from the Holidays, the past few days have been apathetic maybe. Saints post of AoH resonated with me a lot. It seems AoH has been pushing me to just drop all the dead weight. Becoming my own beacon of Happiness. It’s just weird because shifting from external action to internal feels odd. I find myself doing less but feeling content. I’m thinking less about things but somehow I feel okay. It’s like parts of who I thought I was are shrinking/fading away and leaving me lighter but also a little confused. I’m in this ‘okay…now what’ type of situation.

I still want to order my Rom/Ros custom but the desire for subs has reduced. I no longer feel as strongly about stopping this custom as I did weeks ago. Part of me feels a little indifferent about it. A lot of my goals have just fallen by the wayside and I feel way more passive. The passivity doesn’t affect me getting things done or letting my environment go, rather I’m passive with what I used to want. It kind of feels like I’m heading towards complacency but at the same time I don’t think that’s the correct word. I’m not sure what it is yet.

I definitely feel less clarity overall and am struggling with direction. Hopefully things become clear in time.

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#138

I’m sitting in my car as I read this post. And on my shuffle happened to be playing “Streets of Philadelphia” by Springsteen.

It’s from the movie “Philadelphia” with Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington.

The lyrics always hit me different. Reading your post and hearing the song at the same time hits too. The song kinda describes what I THINK (but not sure) you’re talking about.

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#139

I’ve never seen the movie but I just watched the music video/lyrics. Yeah it relates, the tone/vibe of the video. Yeah, You got it right. Interesting how things happen.

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#140

Sun

7am - AoH - 5 mins

9pm - Evolution - 12 mins

Things have been a blur, seems like time flys when off of work. Could be processing but I’m still lacking clarity. I don’t know if it’s AoH but my demeanor feels like non chalance mixed with a complete lack of interest.

Emperor really keeps you in resilience. I notice that no matter how I feel or what’s happening that I continue doing the things that I regularly do. I don’t notice such motivation as there’s no goals, I don’t have anything I’m aiming for. I haven’t felt that inner childlike joy from love Bomb since cycle 3. Even with 9 day washouts it hasn’t come back, I wonder why.

My mind feels like it’s been tackled or hijacked. Mentally indifferent and passive detachment. Cycle 6 is almost done, I probably just need a good 3 week washout.

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