Sun
12:30am - Wtp - 15 mins
Last week I bought and wore a posture corrector brace. It’s more comfortable than I thought it’d be and I wear at work. As part of my new and ongoing self-care thanks to Love Bomb, I’ve been really noticing more improvements. I pay more attention about what I consume, wear or put on my skin. I’m more aware and engaged with my posture and I’ve even started sorting out clothes, seeing which fit and don’t fit. I can’t seem to get rid of anything though because I tell myself I can still wear them when I slim down but at least I’m separating what works now from the ones that don’t. Progress not perfection I guess.
I don’t notice much on Wtp compared to others. I know it’s helped me overcome l bad relations/connections that I had/was pursuing due to low self esteem. It’s helped me question why I was behaving and engaging with low quality people or maybe that LB, Idk. It’s hard seeing any purely Wtp results. I don’t interact socially as much as the average person so it’s only to my detriment but I do think I’m slowly taking actions in my best interest in situations that present themselves even if I’m not consciously aware of it at the time. Wtp feels very subtle and low key, operating outside my direct awareness.
Weight loss has stalled, still down about 4lbs since starting this stack, been moving foods in and out trying to best gauge my needs. My appetite has been decreasing over weeks I’ve noticed which is interesting because it feels like a good thing, like a normalization is occurring. I am more satisfied by the food I eat and really do not snack nor do I ever find myself wanting more.
I seem to be sleeping less, even with sleep aids. I have stronger physical energy and I don’t feel as tired as I used to.
I have been trying to to take more notice of modules and see what I notice. Gentleman’s Speech is one I haven’t noticed much from yet, seems whenever I get into a conversation that is more than surface level, I start using swear words. It’s awkward for me because I’m starting to realize that I think that I need to swear because the other person expects it? I’m not sure why. I think years of working with old blue collar machinists has set a standard in my mind that cussing is to be expected in that context or it isn’t correct. Or maybe I use swear words for emphasis and I do communicate emphatically it seems as I get rolling in conversations. I really do not like this habit and it’s not something I want to continue. There is definitely limiting beliefs around cursing that need addressing.
My self identity has been greatly improved. I am a lot more grounded in myself now, less wishy washy though I do seem to regress sometimes when in interactions. I catch myself reverting to old patterns in response or placatting. The new foundations need reinforcement through experience. I struggle with attachment, obsessive issues rooted in Ocd which has been greatly reduced with my efforts. Attachment really is the root of suffering, add rumination and obsession and it can be a real nightmare. I think with increased awareness that the attention I put on it will help me more consistently pull away from these old patterns but man oh man is attachment a slippery slope. I convince myself I’m in a state of detachment and the next thing I know I’m chained to something I wasn’t on guard for.
Since getting sober almost 9 years ago I stopped participating. I stopped connecting and kind of bowed out of life in favor of security. I never learned how to be around attachment and remain unattached, if that makes sense. Instead I isolated to avoid temptation, I’m a lot more open now and my circumstances with job and environment limit me somewhat for now but still I do think that I prop up avoidance as my number 1 tactic to remain “safe” from all things that could ensure me. I am no fool when it comes to my weaknesses. Having a highly addictive personality I’m not really sure what else one could do to remain “safe” but living in avoidance really deprives one of life. Yet if I indulge in life, then it seems one is never enough and I am easily swept away in attachment, in over indulgence. This is not really referring to alcohol but all things, people, connections, work, food, exercise, compliments, items/things. That bullshit line of thinking that if one is good, more is better.
Maybe being in a deprived state is the root of the intensity I feel when I experience a taste of whatever, creating a strong and instant attachment to said thing and then the pursuit of it destroys. In dating they call it being thirsty but I don’t date. I’m too afraid of getting attached, to anything. I don’t have pets, I experienced loss as a child and said never again. I’m not sure life is worth living in an avoidance bubble but it’s also not worth living in it’s opposite, my twenties. I’ve always had a black & white personality and it sucks. I’ve been told so many times that I need to live in the gray, that life is not black & white. Yet here I am afraid of parts of myself, unwilling to step out into the gray, into balance.
This is a big issue coming up, its just tiring to see how much of myself I’ve closed off because I didn’t have control. Maybe I will find that control soon.
thanks to Emperor and I keep it pushing.
