Geoff's Journal - Evolution

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#61

From the Wtp sales page…

“This scripting also helps you mine your unique experiences with power for lessons and ideas on how to build and exert power, as well as understanding when power was used to manipulate you — and prevent it from ever happening again.”

Exactly what has been happening. Everything hidden, comes to light eventually.

“Be prepared for those insightful, but depressing moments when you realize that the one you called ally may be setting you up for failure. The truth of power is not always a boon. Sometimes, seeing clearly is both a curse and a blessing.”

Puts the sting in the phrase “The Truth hurts”

I guess all this growth is a culmination of all three titles, as Ive read the sales pages and saw exactly what’s been happening in all three. This is a priceless stack.

#62

Being a giving person with low self esteem is a curse.

Being a giving person with high self esteem is a blessing.

#63

Weds

8am - Wtp - 6 mins

9pm - Evolution - 6 mins

Processing a lot. People at work seem to be acknowledging me more/more often. My sense of self is solidifying, I’m less and less concerned about things that used to seem important.

Brushing my teeth with left hand is no longer awkward, I’m about 65/70% proficient. Amazing

Weight has been holding, nothing lost in past week or so.

I kind of get the feeling that I’m in a retract/solidification phase sub wise, before results shoot out again. Consolidation is the word, everything’s being gathered and processed.

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#64

Does it mean anything if you, all of a sudden feel like nothing is happening, that the sub isn’t working. Is this part of reconciliation.

I can’t tell if I’m experiencing reconciliation fog or I’m dealing with disassociation. Kinda lost in the sauce, less awareness and haven’t really noticed much. I wonder if that jump from 4 min to 6 mins is the cause. I don’t have any of the typical recon symptoms. Not unusually tired, no pmo, no sweet cravings, no binge eating, no headaches.

I can’t remember what over exposure entails. Just a lot of nothing, empty, blank mind, spaced out, less enthusiastic about things.

Hopefully this settles over the weekend. First time in 3 cycles that I’ve felt off.

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#65

The past two days I’ve felt intolerant. Impatience towards the (subjectively) stupid. Is this recon or a feature of Emperor?

Today, everything seems annoying. I am annoyed that I have to drive 35 mins to my barber for a haircut. I’m annoyed with living, having to do anything really.

I had a conversation with my longest known friend and was told I screwed up socially at a get together. I fully owned it but at the same time I am annoyed by the responsibility of having friends. I didn’t want to go in the first place. I told him I wasn’t a good friend and that I am not a good person. The most honest thing I’ve said lately. I struggle with authenticity, I keep my self hidden, always afraid of being judged for my likes, dislikes and beliefs. It’s easier to be alone, safer but very unfufilling. Still, I get upset when I have to ‘perform’.

I feel exhausted listening to people, I’m not sure if it’s because I ‘think’ I know more and I’m over the B.S or zi don’t value them. Seems like ego dysfunction.

I get the feeling I’m not not where I need to be. Unbalanced. Coming from such a low level of internal value to now is unsettling. The boundaries of acceptable behavior aren’t clearly defined yet and I struggle with caring. There’s a side where I want to burn everything I know, discard friendships and reinvent myself and move. The other side thinks I should integrate my past with my present to make the future better where I am currently and maintain relationships already established. I realize that I do not like being told anything even though I know nothing, it feels like an attack. I think I’ve been holding a grudge with humanity for a long time. I don’t think much of people in general mostly because of my life growing up and I project that onto everyone assuming all are bad. Thinking one way due to past experiences but knowing it isn’t true fucks me up.

I’m definitely irritated with myself, I thought I read on Emperor reviews that this sub will at times show you your short comings and blindspots and maybe that’s what’s happening and I’m feeling agitation as a result. I can hear my inner voice saying I don’t care to change with a side of pissed off. I guess time, action and repetition is what it takes.

I think some of that fog I wrote about previously is lessening but the agitation is taking its spot. So I’m half pissed in brain fog, I guess it could be worse.

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#66

Ignorance pisses me off but how would you know you’re ignorant, if you’re ignorant. :thinking:

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#67

People pleasing is the ultimate betrayal of self.

How do I permanently remove people pleasing. I thought I was getting past it but upon further reflection I realized I simple started being avoidant in order to dodge situations where I might be asked for something. This is not the same.

I’m at a point where my internal frame sees the behavior and I know I don’t want to do this or that or believe saying no thanks is best but the actual expression of this internal mindset is proving to be really difficult. I tend to fold in the moment or act eager to solve the problem and I hate myself for it. Is it just that old habits die hard or what.

I’m trying to think would help with this. I should have added The Boundary to this custom at the very least. A lot of the agitation I feel today is apparently related to this. I am wrestling with how to be kind and Christ like yet selfish in a healthy way and protective of my peace without feeling the pure guilt within for wanting to disconnect from everyone and tell people to Eff off. I have imagined scenarios over the top of me just going off on ppl I know and not just saying no but unleashing a rage. This is a pretty big sign that I’m too weak and scared. Internally I’m so fed up, how the Eff do I externally manifest this growing frame in a way that shows maturity and strength, because right now it feels like an immature, chaotic anger ready to destroy every connection I have.

I guess this is all growth but at the same time not really because I fold everytime a situation manifests…it’s pissing me off.

Got my haircut and beard lined up. Total came to $60 which was unexpected because the barber previously said he would hook me up, it’s been a month since that conversation so I can’t really expect him to remember I guess but I paid the 60 and left without tipping. I’m sitting in the car and this fucking guilt is just hitting me. So I take $10 from money dedicated to something else, walk back in and gave it to him. I felt submissive as hell doing it, like I was trying to make up for doing something wrong.

Don’t get me wrong the guy is damn good and worth the money, cool dude :sunglasses: the issue is with me. Why did I feel guilty? Why didn’t I bring up the implied offer he made (maybe I took it wrong) why didn’t I ask what the cost was at the start.

This was just one example that happened today. This shit has got to stop. Even with the post above with my ‘friend’, I immediately apologized when he let me know his disappointment with me at that party. Granted I did speak inappropriately but again the conversation turned submissive, I give away what power I project and it’s literally automatic from doing it so long.

I keep betraying myself for people. The female covert narcissist I removed from my life only after years of abuse because I felt no worth. What happens is most ppl swing from one extreme to the other and I’m afraid of becoming a raging asshole, that never ends well. Honestly I’d probably just end up self sabotaging my life before I lashed out because I’m too much of a pussy to exert boundaries and hold steady in confrontation. I’ve always been someone to walk away, fawn(pacify/please) to keep peace or avoid.

Is Emperor helpful for this?, I remember Michel saying Ascension helped and I assume the foundational stuff in Ascension was incorporated into Emperor. Not sure if Love Bomb deals with boundaries. I have Rogue module in the Synergy: At the Top, maybe that’s the influence that is making me want to unleash on ppl.

I can’t keep living like this…not to mention the dissociative depersonalization symptoms I deal with. Why is everything so good and so bad…I could use a win soon.

#68

Sun

8am - Wtp - 6 mins

9pm - Evolution - 6 mins

A new day, a new opportunity to be better.

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#69

It’s rough, I’m thinking 6 mins is my limit. Experiencing the same stuff I eas a few days ago. Recon confirmed. I’m even getting upset that I’m listening to Emperor? It’s like part of me is pissed that it’s part of my stack, questioning why I’m listening to a sub with wealth scripting because that’s not a goal and the romance isn’t either. Idk why I’m feeling anti-emperor today but I know it’s recon.

My psyche is getting wrecked this week. Lots of memories inducing guilt and shame, anger over every situation where I don’t behave/act perfectly and the intolerance…a lot of intolerant attitude building. I’m not sure how to alleviate it. I’m super calm physically but inside the urge to rage is there. But rage about what? The injustice of life I brought on myself or let happen, I really only have myself to blame. Extreme Ownership, take responsibility.

One more listening day of this cycle then washout, I should probably reduce to 5 min loops next cycle.

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#70

Happy birthday!

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#71

Finally woke up in a semi blissful state. Whatever reconciliation was taking place, something changed. It’s irritating that I struggle to understand/know what was reconciled but hopefully as it manifests in changed behavior, I might take notice.

I think Synergy Apollon module is working. Even though I’m still 10lbs over my goal weight, I have noticed some slimming. Weighing about the same for past 2 weeks but I look better. Growing out facial hair, had the barber line me up and I just seem more mature physically too. I am either neutral or positive towards my looks now and I seem to be behaving in ways that would increase my attractiveness. More effort into shaping my hair, growing it out longer ect. I’m not sure if I ‘feel’ sexy as two modules accompany this one but I do think I carry a small but growing sense of sexiness within my demeanor. Small, subtle changes is how it starts.

Glad to be feeling much better after all that overwhelm the last couple days.

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#72

I sense that I’m looking(subconsciously) for opportunities in which I can say no. It’s weird, I’m a little consumed with the idea of empowering myself, boundaries and saying no.

Feels like a Wtp bloom as I’m imagining situations and dialogues in my mind of how exerting myself would look like, how I’d feel doing that ect.

Interesting…

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#73

Weds

8am - Wtp - 6 mins

8:20pm - Evolution - 6 mins

Yesterday was a pretty good day, mood had that LB optimism I was missing. I definitely broke through something I was stuck in a few days ago. Tonight I woke up calm and grounded.

Had some labwork done and got my results of great news. Previously I found out I had copper toxicity and since changing my diet, my levels dropped 24 points which is awesome. Things just keep getting better.

My medical massages are finally reducing the pain I’ve had for years, I’m able to go two weeks with hardly any discomfort, soon I’ll be trying to incorporate some training and see how it goes.

Motivated optimism grows, inner frame has really improved now that I think about it. Since starting this custom I’m way more solid in myself, unmoved, less reactive and other ppl’s antics make me laugh now instead of getting emotionally triggered. I used to see others and compare myself or think/assume they were somehow better than me. Now it’s just indifference. I realize we all have issues and that my priority is myself and my energy should be utilized for positive growth and not low value thoughts and behaviors.

#74

Love Bomb is the greatest.

I just keep marveling at how transformative self esteem is. How life is when it’s low compared to high.

It makes total sense why I avoided wealth and sexual subs, there is no point if your internal world is a mess. Belief in self, I think is step 1. How could you capitalize on opportunities with out?

I look back at my adolescence, if my self esteem was higher, my whole life would be different. I might have stayed in the USMC or went to one college and actually got a degree or maybe would not have brought a child into the world at 23 with no real way to provide.

If I was just listening to Emperor…I don’t think I’d be where I’m at currently.

Makes me wonder if Ascension Chamber would be easier to listen to after many cycles of Love bomb.

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#75

End of Cycle 3

Fri

11:30pm

Wtp - 7 mins

Evolution - 7 mins

Call me crazy but my cycle technically ended Weds but I feel an urge/desire to listen again, so I’m going with it. I’m going to end this cycle with 7 minute loops.

Everyday I wake up, my mood is just great. The enthusiasm has returned, receptive energy abounds and I feel capable in whatever I set out to do.

#76

Washout thoughts

I don’t know what it is. I seem to swing from blissed out joy to holding contempt. It’s unsettling, feels like something stole my joy. This weekend was rough on me sleep wise. I had my son and came to a realization that I am not a good dad and what followed was a mental storm of past memories, ego defense and the struggle of taking accountability without condemning myself with shame and guilt. I had no baseline and no guidance, so how can I be hard on myself.

While I sacrificed my own wellbeing for quality time, I couldn’t help but feel this contempt over how unappreciative those around me were, as if I’m expected to give everything of myself without hesitation or complaint. I guess that is a parents job and this is isn’t about my family exactly, it’s just one example.

This seems rooted in ppl pleasing but also there are times when we must reject selfishness for the benefit of others. The lack of acknowledgment I think bothers me but from where do I believe I should be praised or thanked for what I do? As resentment would grow and lead to dismissive behaviors, that only creates spite and distance.

I haven’t figured out balance yet. I do what must be done but not always without complaint. I look at my life with a lot of regret and wish I hadn’t done what I did. I seem to abhor responsibility, not because it’s a necessary burden that creates growth but because it demands sacrifice and I’ve had enough of giving pieces of myself to the world. I do my utmost to shrink/cut as much out of my life as possible in order to increase peace and ease. I don’t shy away from responsibility but I do limit it to what I value and that seems to be fading into less and less in these end times.

I fantasize about moving, to a small town in a low density area, living alone and without unnecessary responsibilities. It feels like I am done with others. The ignorance of today’s culture seems to infuriate me. The vapid and amoral generations taking but not producing disgusts me. I try hard to stay open minded and not lump everyone into one category but it proves challenging.

Is Emperor giving me recon because I want to disconnect yet the archetype is about building an empire. I think it’s useful for my pursuit for a small life but there’s a resistance towards this world and this strong contempt I feel…I don’t know where it’s coming from. Is it a contemptuous state for weakness? Both in myself and the world at large? Definitely could be…

All I know for sure is I’m tired of giving myself, I’m tired of even listening to the absolute trash I hear around me. I’ve never craved peace and solitude more than I do lately.

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#77

Rogue

Profound state of not caring for opinions of others unless they are helpful. Massively develops your status and establishes that your attention is a luxurious commodity for others. Rogue will make you express yourself freely – don’t be surprised if it causes offense.

It could be this module but I’m not sure. I haven’t been vocal about it in my life. It’s just a deep State of contempt and disgust. It’s like no one can tell me anything. Ignorance and misinformation abounds and all I see is regurgitation of bullshit and I can hardly stand it. Internally I feel offensive as can be but maybe Gentleman’s Speech is playing counter to Rogue.

I don’t feel anti-social as much as I feel anti-stupid. I know Emperor makes me feel like I’m on the outside looking in, in the background and I like that but I can’t be nieve and believe I can do all on my own.

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#78

Overcompensation and righteous indignation.

How do you know if you’re ever in the right? By what standard do we measure ourselves. For me The Bible serves as that standard. Yet when 5 people read the same book, you get differing interpretations so again, how do you know you’re right?

I have broken down words into Hebrew and Greek to get a clearer understanding but for anyone who knows, the one word you broke down ends up having 3 to 5 other words for it’s root, so then you have to look at context and try each word to see if it logically makes sense.

I question my thoughts and behaviors. What if I’m speaking as though I’m not wrong and don’t realize I’m actually wrong. What a scary position to be in, would you call that ignorance?

Feels like a definite lack of foundation. All these worries and concerns, questions and doubts I have. I’m looking for a sure place to stand, a line in which to defend. Things are getting clearer.

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#79

Synergy: Venus Unveiled

The ultimate love module, Venus Unveiled combines the powers of Chosen of Venus, Blue Skies and Depths of Love. Each covering a different aspect of love, through this module you will get all-encompassing knowledge and understanding of love. First, through Chosen of Venus you’ll develop an outward expression of love – a powerful aura that touches those around you. With Depths of Love you’ll create the inward expression of this phenomenon, where a greater inner understanding will unfold within you. You’ll let go of traumas that stop you from loving and make all the love you feel much more transcendental and potent. Finally, Blue Skies is a potent module that develops your wisdom and all the different concepts of love. Through it, you’ll be able to glimpse beyond the normal veil of reality and the usual idea of love, and instead grasp at something much more infinite.

After digging through module descriptions and thinking about my inner state, it seems this Synergy is the reason…I think. I don’t know why trying to pinpoint the catalyst for my recon but it’s subjectively makes me feel better if I can understand.

I oscillate between bliss, joy and open receptivity of live and then contempt, anger and disgust.

It appears that these modules move me forward and I feel amazing until I run into a ‘trauma’, limit or triggering experience that refutes the newfound beliefs causing me to go from peaceful, loving and joyous to the opposite. Is it just me or have I been repeating this pattern? I’ll write about how great I’m doing then the next time I’m raging about some injustice. I can’t say this stack isn’t working, lol.

I think the more aware of this process I can be, the easier time I’ll have. It’s when I’m unaware and just moody that I feel the worst. I guess lack of understanding is a big fear for me. I just have to know and that’s okay. I can totally see why Fire put these modules together. I have a lot of blocks when it comes to Love that I’m starting to see, all the forms not just Eros. My unwillingness and fears, ect. Blue skies I think helps open up the wounds and ‘explain’ them so I’m able to reconcile and grow better.

Synergy: Venus Unveiled is more powerful, impactful and healing than I realized. I didn’t think Depths of Love would strike at my roots of dysfunction like it is nor did I expect Blue Skies to be so effective at untangling my psyche in regards to Love. I think soon, Chosen of Venus will be better able to express once these issues reconcile.

So the negative perceptions, anger and disgust stem from fears and hurts of the past trying to keep me safe from experiencing bad things again. That’s valid, but building new ways of coping, boundaries, awareness and value in myself are all ways undermine and prevent new traumas from affecting me like they did as a child unprotected.

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#80

Are you glad you included Emperor in the custom?

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