It’s been a rough week or so.
From Emperor sales page…I read it weekly.
"The second movement equips you with tools for deep introspection, unraveling the mysteries that tether you to the past. This exploration bestows a wisdom, a mastery over the subconscious currents flowing beneath the surface of your awareness.
Together — these elements orchestrate moments of sudden clarity, shifts in behavior that appear to emerge spontaneously — yet, in truth, they are the essence of your inner self, now revealed."
I thought it was Wtp causing the changes I’ve experienced but it’s Emperor according to this. 2-ish years of a friendship/romance with a woman who turned out to be a covert/fragile narcissist. Blocked and ended contact in my life. I still don’t fully understand and I try not to think about it because I’d be giving energy to a complex web of bullshit, keeping me stuck. However if it wasn’t for this stack, for Wtp showing me the understanding of power dynamics and Love Bomb increasing my internal sense of value…well I’d still be in this person’s game.
This person wished me happy birthday and the very next message was “I’m going to kill myself”. Of course me being me, started trying to support her and engaged only to realize they were draining my energy and gaining supply. Completely turned my birthday into something all about them. It took a new friend whom I shared this with to explain to me how evil this was. I couldn’t even perceive the reality of my situation. I’ve been dealing with shame over my failures but slowly been untangling myself mentally and emotionally.
The resilience in Emperor helps a lot. I’ve been craving longer loops and been introspective as hell. I’ve been having flashbacks of my past, feelings unpleasant feelings and fighting functional disassociation symptoms the past week. All this stuff seems to have triggered some stuff and I just feel out of it. It’s like a grenade has gone off in my mind and I’m trying to put the pieces back to together. I’m sure it’s a mixture of reconciliation, traumatic triggers and emotional damage.
I’m just super grateful this stack helped me realize the situation I was in, but it is painful to see yourself in damaging situations you were not aware of because of childhood traumatic experiences, low self esteem and caring about others more than yourself. You get targeted and used and the while seem to think that you can help them. I was in the ‘devaluation’ stage being told nasty things yet it was like my mind skipped over it and sought to help fix them. How did I not realize or come to understand what was going on. Reading about all of this gave me anxiety and brain fog.
I think in a few weeks I’m going to come out of this much stronger. I have to somehow reconcile love and kindness without usury or sacrificing myself in any way for others benefit. I’ve been thinking about Khan this week and some magic pill to fix this current situation but I know better. I’ll continue with my stack, it’s working after all.
I didn’t want to talk about this situation out of shame but what exactly am I ashamed of. Only that I let it happen for years…but it’s over now.
