Love Bomb -
No one will ever love or care about me more than I do, so if I don’t love or care about myself then how unsuccessful will my life be.
It all starts here…
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Energy has improved somewhat but still tired 
everyday feels like a kick in the ass lately. Low key frustration popped up, feeling a little lost in the sauce today. Directionless vibe
Almost got into an accident on way to work last night, I really got mad at myself and my inner voice went after me. I was surprised by it. It wasn’t negative or toxic, just really stern and reprimanding. It was my fault too and I owned it and I felt quite embarrassed about it. It’s been awhile since I’ve experienced something like this.
Still dealing with my impatience. It really is a problem.
Definitely feeling less peaceful this week. Neck/shoulders are sore and I think it’s purely from tension as I’m avoiding lifting until this strain in right arm heals which is going slowly.
So far things are unclear in this washout
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The human body can store tension, particularly in muscles, as a response to stress, trauma, or unresolved emotions. This can manifest as physical symptoms like muscle tension, headaches, fatigue, or even pain in specific areas. Relieving this tension often involves relaxation techniques, addressing underlying stress or trauma, and practicing healthy lifestyle habits.
Man, I just did 15 push ups to see how my right arm was doing. I didn’t really feel that strain so I’m happy. However it’s been over 20 mins and I just feel sore and tense, like my muscles won’t relax. It’s not normal to feel this kind of discomfort after simple push ups.
I also did some side leg stretching and I felt pain in my back. Idk wtf to do about this. There’s nothing worse than developing a Beast Mode mentality and having a body full of stored tension, unable to perform what you want. It’s pretty upsetting.
Even as I’m overcoming my traumatic past mentally and emotionally, my body isn’t getting the memo…hell even texting this post on my phone I can feel my forearm and hand getting muscle fatigue…shit sucks. Why am I so damn rigid and tight and inflexible. Decades of guarding, tension and hypervigilance from childhood.
Maybe I’ll try Sanguine after washout. After all I can’t expect to exercise and get in shape with already overworked muscles just from existing. All I know if love Bomb and Emperor do not help with this issue.
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I had another neurofeedback session this morning. I slept pretty good, woke up optimistic. I started driving into work, smiling randomly. As soon as I walked into work I felt bored, disengaged and less enthusiastic. I’m starting to really recognize the way my job affects me. I’m sure it’s no different for anyone else.
It’s got me thinking about what I sacrifice, why I sacrifice and for whom. How much of my daily struggle is necessary, how much struggle is actually for me or on my behalf. Do I keep pushing everyday for me?
If I was to downsize my life, ignore all the media telling ppl to push and chase ‘success’ and focus on Peace, would I need to pursue a high paying job or could I get by on less? Would I be happier with less, probably. I seem to be mentally organizing my life lately and have strong urges to throw shit away, downsize and do with less. I’m literally preoccupied with getting rid of things…things that the world told me I needed in order to be fulfilled, high status or respected.
It’s more about me, my strengths and abilities. Cultivating myself, not creating an illusion of things that others perceive as making me valuable.
Awareness of what matters, what is right and correct. Everything in this world is designed to hurt you. I’m becoming fascinated with the idea of optimization and alignment. First you must define your beliefs before you can align with them. Then you optimize your life based on your principles, morals and values. My next stack will be all about this. But for now the Foundation is the goal of my current custom and it’s working beautifully.
I think I’m going to ‘spring clean’ for lack of a better term this weekend, figure out what matters and what is useful and what has no purpose just taking up space. I mean this this literally and also within my mind and Spirit too.
I spent my younger years following the hive mind, the world influence and all the vain, empty beliefs and ideals because I had no foundation and no standard by which to measure everything except for my own nieve, immature mind lacking wisdom and understanding. I was foolish, I still am but I’ve learned over time and continue to do so. I’m feeling quite optimistic about where I want to go, the how is the challenging part as well as developing full clarity. I get moments of clarity, flashes of a better way, a clear vision of the peace I’m looking for but it fades before I can fully internalize it.
All this scattered rambling - I can’t know for sure but what I do know, is that Less is More to me right now.
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Emperor - I will never get stronger by doing what is easy.
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Tomorrow is the start of next cycle but I goofed up thinking today was it. I listened to 3 mins of Sanguine. Hopefully it helps me fall asleep.
I had a seriously productive night/this morning. Who knew throwing away stuff I no longer use or organizing could feel so cathartic. I’m quite pleased with myself. Now I only have to continue the momentum all weekend as there’s more to do.
Execution of intentions feels good. Being disciplined feels good. I had a deep realization of just how much I checked out of my own life, for years last night. I don’t want to be like that any longer. Opting out of certain things could be okay but not living because of it is not okay. I really let my life go for decades, fuck man…broken mindsets kill…for real.
I’m finally on it now, the consistency is addictive and I love it…I love myself too and I never thought I’d ever say that. Extreme personal growth, SubClub is too legit 
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Cycle 12
Evolution - 11 mins
Man, this is really becoming an awesome weekend. Mindset is on point and I’m making great progress in what I’m trying to accomplish. I do feel a renewed a strength and vision for how I want the future to go.
Just taking small steps, getting little things done makes more of a difference than I thought. Instead of mulling over things that need done, just getting started feels so good. This isn’t new to me but it kinda is at the same time. I’m looking at life in a new way and things just hit different now.
As far as Sanguine yesterday, it took me 2.5hrs to fall asleep which 30 mins longer than usual but I did notice the right side of my neck trying to relax as I waited to fall asleep. After I woke up, I felt more ‘at ease’ than I usually am. Tonight my right shoulder feels sore when yesterday it did not. I think Sanguine is trying to unwind the tension, I found myself almost unconsciously massaging my neck today at times. Maybe this will be the trick I need to unlock the tension and heal the traumatic energy stuck.
I haven’t felt this satisfied in a long time. Things are good.
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I finally started getting back into consistent exercise again, my right arm feels about as good as it can get considering the whole body rigidity issue I’m trying to fix.
I’m feeling positive and dare I say kind of enthusiastic again after quite awhile. Sanguine bloom after first loop? I’d like to assume it’s Love Bomb but who knows.
At my job, I’ve increased my pace. My attitude towards my employer is improving out of nowhere. I feel less resentment and I’m more interested in just doing my job right and doing it fully, it’s interesting…not sure why. Feels like I’ve hit a higher level of maturity.
My work pants that didn’t fit or barely fit a month ago are almost just right. My scale still hovers at 145lbs yet I’m slimming down slowly but surely. Is this what recomp’ing is… 
This past memorial day weekend, I had my son and I ended up getting up early or staying up later to spend more time with him instead of sleeping or acting grumpy from my sleep schedule being messed up. I think he really appreciated it even if he didn’t say so. He was also much more open with me, not sure if Love Bomb affects him but it was great to see. I Definitely paid the price the day before work with total crap sleep but I’ve since recovered and it was worth it. I think I’m becoming more mature, stronger and resilient which allows me to be more self sacrificing on behalf of loved ones. I used to selfish towards the right ppl and ppl pleasing to the wrong ones. Now everything seems to be correcting itself and it’s going great.
I hardly felt any reconciliation symptoms the past 3 days, even at 11 mins where two cycles ago I was smacked with it. I know Sanguine helps with recon but I also believe Love Bomb has helped me improve my flow factor, hopefully I’ve gone from low flow to medium flow now.
There’s a definite zest for life within me but it’s not worldy. I’m excited about being my best self and living in the best way possible. My mindset is feeling stronger and stronger every week. I’m getting addicted to whatever this is…makes me feel Savage AF in the best way.
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This morning I got out of work at 7am. Immediately upon getting onto highway there was traffic. I spent 2 hours and 10 minutes at a bare crawl/stop waiting for 4 lanes to merge into one where the accident was.
Only one 3 minute loop of Sanguine almost 4 days ago and I was only mildly annoyed at the traffic, my worst/negative thought was “The is effing unbelievable” which compared to my past is not bad at all. I almost felt way more patient and looked at the situation as more of an opportunity than some big problem.
I did get less sleep and I did wake up tonight not feeling the best but I’m not overly upset about it.
I also woke up to a text from a coworker telling me the parts I machined last night have lines from a bad tool and I have to rework them. Normally I’d be pissed off and feeling spiteful but aside from some low key irritability that is fading, I’m quite okay with it. It’s just part of life I guess.
So I’m thinking this is all a reflection of Sanguine. Of course Gratitude from Love Bomb and Maturity from Emperor but this peaceful acceptance of what is feels new and I think it’s Sanguine. It’s crazy too that my muscles ache, idk if it’s physical stress/energy being worked out of muscles or lack of sleep or what but there’s no obvious reason for this pain/tension but I get the feeling Sanguine is going to slowly tackle this issue.
I’m pretty happy with this state I’ve been in. Peaceful acceptance of reality vs. Fighting/resisting what is and making it harder on myself.
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Thurs
Evolution - 12 mins
Sanguine - 5 mins
Things have been consistent. Issues and problems are fading. Optimism is at an all time high. Since adding Sanguine even my sleep feels more restful. Someone knocked on my door at 1pm while I was sleeping and normally I’d be pissed and unable to sleep, but I was able to remain sleepy without upset. I didn’t fully fall back asleep but moreso rested half asleep until I got up. This in and of itself is a big change. I can tell my nervous system did not overreact like it used to.
Everytime I listen to Sanguine, my neck muscles feel more sore, my shoulders feel fatigued. I know this is a sign of relaxation and hopefully with continued use the tension will leave for good.
This week’s been the closest to ‘normal’ I’ve ever felt.
I’ve recognized that the key to growth in literally any area is Consistency. Even if you take small steps towards a goal, you can see big changes if you’re consistent. It’s so evident in everything I do now. I’m even making progress with my adductor/gracilis leg muscle stretching which really surprised me as trying to stretch them a month ago felt impossible.
1 loop every 4 days has been working really well for me. I was doing 2 rest days for the longest time but it just wasn’t enough. Just reaching 12 mins today, the last 30 seconds felt heavy so I’ll probably go to 5 days next or hold at 12 mins next loop.
Mon
Evolution - 13 mins
Sanguine - 5 mins
Been fighting sleep issues and tiredness all week. Seems like my body is rejecting nights again. I’m waking up after 4 hours. On weekends I’m falling asleep on my couch when I’d normally be up. Productivity in general is down, mentally I’m doing less as I feel sleep deprived. I had a neurofeedback session just doing Temporal Lobes T3/T4 for stabilization/homeostasis and ever since I’ve felt ‘better’ but not sleep wise. I think my circadian rhythm wants to go back to normal. It’s so frustrating. There is not a single job on Indeed in my area worth applying to. I’m stuck. Found out my clutch needs replaced as throw out bearing is wearing out. I’m getting quotes of $2k to $2500. That’s insane, inflation is insane. A little more stressed this week.
Sanguine definitely helps one from spazzin out or overreacting. I feel the stress of my situation, I’m aware of it but it’s not ruining me. I have noticed a decrease in drive though, I’m a little more laid back, maybe aloof about things. Disengaged I’d say, things matter a little less but it could be literally from lack of sleep because when you lack sleep nothing really matters as much as it should when we’ll rested. Idk how to solve this problem.
I have to leave for work in less than an hour and I’m ready to fall asleep at any minute, shit sucks. But hey, Man up cuz nobody cares lol
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The fatigue started lifting yesterday but man was the last week rough.it felt like my body was shutting off without my consent. No idea if it was influenced by Sanguine relaxation or detox related or what but it was a profound tiredness that sleep wasn’t remedying.
Yesterday I noticed A LOT of looks, I’ve been on this passive seminar retention for months now and coupled with Love Bomb, I think my Aura is really affecting others.
My last unintentional streak of no fap was 42 days, before that Idk. And I’m about 2 weeks into another. It’s funny because I’m not really ‘trying’ to retain. I’ve just lost interest in it. I go on with my life until I get the itch and I do my best until it overwhelms me then I take care of it and continue on with my life. It’s actually been pretty interesting since I’m not attached to it, I’m not keeping score either. The only thing I do is just mark in calendar when I release and if I ever want to count then I can but I’m not actively counting days. No pressure.
I noticed my female supervisor in particular has become less friendly with me this past week, she’s not unfriendly just less l friendly. I’m trying to figure out how I’m affecting her because I’ll see her with other coworkers and she’s completely different.
As far as sexual energy goes ect, I don’t think I’ll ever run Khan Black or any sexual subs. Most people are into that shit, my goal is to actually kill lust & desire within me. To completely go beyond the carnal. To crucify the flesh so to speak. Society is sick, the culture is toxic and most modern females are full of masculinized garbage unwilling to accept their own gender roles. So I literally have zero reason to pursue or indulge in lust & desire.
Aside from all that above, my perception and outlook seem really grounded since starting sanguine. I noticed I’ve been less reactive and less impatient. If something does irk me, I acknowledge it and it drops off within a minute. The emotions don’t stick around, they dissipate. That’s a pretty big result for me. I’ve previously had big issues with attachment, control and rigidity. So I’m quite happy with this.
I’m up to 18 chest to floor push ups now without causing any muscle pain. Barely could do 3 when I first started.
10 dips from 0 a few months ago
100 squats from 10 a few months ago
My muscles get fatigued and sometimes it takes 4 days before I feel I can do anything which sucks but I’m trying to decades of issues, trauma and stuck energy in my body/muscles. Posture correction and deep stretching. It’s going to take time. I’m just happy to see I’m actually making progress, however slow. To walk a mile, you must take that first step.
Pants keep fitting better, I feel like I’m getting healthier. Diet is unbelievably satiating considering it’s so plain and ‘boring’ I noticed I’m eating less but always feel nourished and I barely even snack anymore. Binging and junk food is gone. Neurofeedback has been going really well. My sense of internal value gets stronger everyday. I look at myself and there’s no longer any negative thoughts, only inspiration to do better each day.
Emperor really is good for everything and I’ve said it before but Love Bomb + an Alpha title is just pure magic in regards to personal growth. I hardly recognize myself these days, I try to remember my past and it’s like it was completely different life/world back then.
Progression is so important. The basics, the foundation was the key. Running Glm like I did helped so much, moving to Love Bomb then pairing with Emperor was the right move. Jumping around or listening for only a cycle or two doesn’t do anything impactful.
If I didn’t want to run Hero next, I’d probably stay on Emperor. Emperor is so versatile, you could pair it with anything to focus more on any one goal. Best custom I’ve listened to yet, hands down. Always choose the subs that help you reach the goals you’re already working on, makes it so much better.
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Sat
Evolution - 14 mins
Sanguine - 5 mins
Woke up in a slightly perturbed state, I don’t have any recollection of dreaming. Waited a few hours to listen to loops. 14 mins felt more dense tonight, I think having something on my mind didn’t help.
This morning I set up some grow bags after work. I had removed my in ground garden space in my backyard a month ago and just sold most of my gardening stuff a few days ago but I did keep 3 grow bags and two containers.
My neighbor last week asked me if I was planting this year, numerous times before too. I wasn’t planning on it and even offered to give him one of my grow bags since he was complaining about the price of tomatoes. It didn’t click until after the conversation that he wanted me to grow him tomatoes. I have no issue sharing what I grow but I found myself offended this time. My neighbor has always had this weird entitlement vibe and selfish attitude but would always act friendly. I see right through it. He acts like his poverty is everyone else’s problem.
So I planted two tomato seed varieties along with snow peas and green beans. I’m trying to figure out why I planted tomatoes. Am I just charitable and willing to help? It’s not much effort to grow for me or did I plant them out of some weird ppl pleasing bullshit? It’s honestly hard to figure out, maybe both. I felt offended by his assumption and entitlement yet part of me also thinks that “loving your neighbor as yourself” and charity is the right thing to do. I guess it was just his expectation of me that was offensive and my test is to overcome things that like.
The longer the loops I listen to, the more intolerance creeps in. I noticed since about 11 or 12 mins that I get a little harsh and intolerant towards others and it’s probably reconciliation but also I see myself trying to internally justify the quiet disdain I feel when I’m being judgmental. It’s not a good look, I am quite ashamed of myself when that side of me shows up. Thankfully I have enough awareness to reign myself back in and focus on compassion instead. I think Love Bomb will be in my stack for a long time, I definitely need more purification.
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Washout/ End of Cycle 12
Decided to end cycle 4 days early, skipping one last loop. I had neurofeedback this morning and I kind of just want to let my brain rest. Been training stabilization sites and it’s been going well. Between pushing my detox diet, subs and brain training I just need a break.
I think one more cycle is all I’ll do just to cement some full loops. I’m not really noticing anything new from custom, just maybe deeper impacts and stronger realizations. Things are generally good and I really can’t ask for more.
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I’m glad I decided to washout. Yesterday was like a wild recon attack. This flood of feeling unwanted and being unaccepted hit me out of nowhere. I was feeling very emotionally fragile all night, I felt awkward at work, anxious and just completely uncomfortable.
Today has been better but lingering anxiety, over what I have no clue. I’ve been stuck in my head the last 36 hours, definitely feeling less present because of it. Even exercising, my strength dropped, energy is less and my mind feels full/busy. Recon definitely jumped me.
This kind of reconciliation definitely feels on the Love Bomb side, not Emperor. Some worthiness, guilt and shame issues. Social acceptance, feeling normal ect. All this stuff just crept up on me, what is surprising is how much it affected my behavior. It damn near felt like a panic attack but I got a grip, I know I must have looked neurotic on the outside. Just when I said ‘I’m not noticing much new stuff with this custom’ I get all this. There’s brain fog going on for sure, mixed up and lack of clarity, just a lot of intuitive feelings that cause struggle between my old perception and new.
I was feeling complete and confident a few days ago, all of a sudden there’s feelings of inadequacy, doubt and questioning if it’s all real. Like have I been faking things this whole time, is my core really changed for the better. Crazy stuff, to switch in an instant from confident to insecure. I’ll just give it time.
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Doing better tonight. Woke up with a semi renewed sense of empowerment. Exercised, felt purposeful.
That recon was wild, it was as if the old me was dying and took one final shot at sabotaging my new identity by throwing all this doubt at me, questioning if I had even changed(for the better) making me feel insecure as if it was all a facade. What a bunch of trickery. All the old limiting beliefs of unworthiness, victim thinking and low value inner talk came out looking to pull me me back into self hatred and victimhood. Who knew old ideology could be that sneaky.
Tonight I’m feeling confident in my understanding of what happened, I’m thinking since that attempt failed and is passing that I’m now going to achieve further subconscious reinforcement of the new, stronger me and the current results will compound into increased permancey. It feels good to know I’ve overcome a barrier like that, defeating the old stories about myself I had carried all these decades. I’m not saying every bad thing is gone and I’m perfect but a big part of my flawed thinking has been overcome…and that, is an amazing thing.
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Just a rant…
My car needs the input shaft bearing replaced. Basically a sort of rebuild as it requires pulling and opening transmission. I’ve been trying to cope with mounting stress the past week, the resilience scripting is working overtime.
I got wrote up for failure to catch a machining defect at work yesterday and the other guy who also machined them did not. This bothers me.
Having to wait and rely on others is such a shitty feeling, I hate it. I’ve been trying to reconcile to myself that I literally can’t do everything and that relying on others is just part of being human. But man do I have a lot of messed up beliefs surrounding this theme.
I can literally feel the increased tension I’m holding in my body, the increase in frustration about having problems I’m not able to solve quickly or easily. Maybe things will change for the better Sun when I start listening again. For now I’m vibrating with an anxious energy to solve problems…having to wait in idleness kills me but the world doesn’t operate the way I think it should.
When something goes wrong, I almost become uncompromising and singularly focused on a solution. When I’m unable to execute my plan for whatever reason, I become mean. I think this is immature but still it’s the truest reflection of my behavior under stress. Why? Idk yet
I abhor problems, I notice I structure my life around minimizing problems. Around reducing the need for help from anyone as much as possible. I seem to overvalue and over pursue self sufficiency to my own detriment. I value peace and simplicity so much that I have and do sacrifice much to obtain it. In the end my uncompromising attitude, rigid minimalistic thinking and controlling lifestyle has yielded me a peaceful existence yet at the expense of not having many people in my life. I always seem to choose my comfort over people, my success or accomplishments too. I’m quick to detach from others who interfere with my plan or peace ect. Am I in the right for this?
It’s basic life problems that seem to bring up questions about my humanity in a way, my distaste for other ppl ‘not like me’ and the inferiority I feel when actually needing help and how it becomes apparent that I’ve painted myself into a corner in the way I live my life.
I don’t think I am a good person. But I know it’s not unfounded because Jesus said it himself that is ‘no one good’ here and I’m paraphrasing.
This all ties completely into impatience and the anger and frustration that is born from it. So much work to do on myself, I imagine 10 lifetimes would not be enough to unravel and correct all my flaws.
I hope things resolve soon and I will continue to work on not letting life circumstances affect me so much.
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Sometimes Emperor just feels ruthless and relentless. I don’t like being impatient, uncompromising and sometimes cruel yet at the same time there’s a sense of being proud of those qualities too.
There’s a sense of this raging ‘Get shit done’ mentality, if you have to push then push vibe. Then I start thinking there should be refinement to that beast mentality and I end up in a weird cognitive battle in my own mind wether or not my behavior or internal compass is ‘right’.
All I feel is this push inside - Get it done, solve the problem, stop waiting. I’ve been unable to relax for days and probably won’t until I’ve accomplished what needs done.
I think Emperor definitely fuels my already uncompromising state, do it on my own and Eff everyone else…pretty sure that does not foster connection and social cohesion.
I downsized quite a bit in the past few weeks, and it will continue. It’s as if subconsciously I know something is coming and I’m preparing for it. I’ve been doing things and stopping other things as I’m auto adjusting for the unexpected, or maybe I’m just becoming more organized. Who knows but things have definitely been changing in my life.
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I realized tonight, while ruminating on all this stress. I have a fear of losing or not having competence.
I couldn’t figure out why not being able to fix every problem myself made me feel inferior, weak and unworthy. Like I should be able to just pull my transmission and take it apart and replace 2 bearings then reinstall it my car. In my mind, a Man should be able to. Granted I wouldn’t shy away from the challenge if I actually had the tools, equipment and a place to attempt it given enough time off as well but that’s not realistic. That’s why we have professionals in different trades.
But I just can’t seem to shake this sense of incompetence within myself for not being ‘Superman’ for lack of a better word. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of the fear of incompetence and it’s probably a good fear to have as it definitely drives me to become more capable in life. I guess going forward, it’s my duty to myself to develop ever increasing competence.
I’m starting to see a relation of the skill Mastery and self Mastery approaches in Hero, it seems similar to what I’m reconciling with this whole competence thing.
Do everything I can myself. What I can’t do, do my best to never need those and if I do, then handle it as best I can.
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So…basically this a limiting belief then. A deep one probably formed by society and it’s programming.
If I can’t do it all myself like I should as a man, then I’m weak and incompetent and of little value.
Hmmm…reminds me of when I’d have the thought that Men are human doings and Women are human beings.
I’ve been indoctrinated (as we all have) to carry around damaging stories about ourselves and I’m just angry. I’m angry at myself for not being more. I’m angry at myself for not meeting my own full potential, for making excuses and for making poor decisions too.
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