Man, I notice I don’t handle stress well, at least stressful situations that I can’t handle myself. I finally decided, after calling many shops to take my car to the dealership. I find myself overly defensive towards everything I hear from them.
I’ve been carrying around this anger all week as if Im seeking justice for the unfortunate events happening in my life. I have to laugh at myself but also Im kind of disturbed at how Im behaving and responding to things. I’ve become resistant in so many ways. I don’t know if I’m expecting more for less or I’m afraid of being scammed or manipulated but I’m facing things from the frame of being at war instead of communicating openly and friendly.
This whole week I’ve been overly argumentative. I’ve also been highly guarded. Im not sure I mentioned it but I was written up at work last week but Monday it was withdrawn. I was told by my union rep that my supervisor said one thing but did another (escalated the level of write up) but didnt tell anyone. Granted it was thrown out but that’s shady and unprofessional and now I’ve been kind of withdrawing from work as far as openness, interaction and trust. Im guarded and feel less comfortable working now.
I’ve been somewhat scattered and unfocused this week too since my loop, im not sure if my level of stress now is less than it would be without Sanguine but all I can really say is that even with Sanguine…I don’t handle stress well enough, it affects me way more than I think it should.
Outcome independence is something I need to cultivate. Getting angry and indignant that things don’t get handled when and how I think they should is immaturity at its core and I guess im seeing just how immature I still am. It’s never easy embracing your own weaknesses but this has been a powerful lesson on my path to mastery over self. I can’t help but think that The New Hero stage 2 (water) would be a big help to this exact issue that im dealing with. I get the feeling that Emperor isn’t helping too much in regards to this as all I feel is an intense desire to say ‘fuck it, I’ll do it myself’ yet I know im unable to ‘do it myself’ hence the emotional immaturity.
Im just angry and tense. I don’t want to be, Im not enjoying it. Logically I can see behaving in alternate ways would yield better results, however the illogical mind seems to be ruling over me and im suffering somatically with all these physical manifestions of stress. I.e. tension, rigidity, muscle fatigue, jaw clenching and anger. I feel like im back in my childhood - trapped in helplessness, unable to solve my own problems. That’s the root of what im going through now because the issues im facing right now are not really that big of a deal but because it’s rooted in helplessness and reliance on others without trust, my whole being, especially physically is struggling.
This is a deep root
