Definitely improved a few hours after my loops.
Mood lifted.
Enthusiasm came back
Increased productivity and drive
More tolerant and less negative
I was concerned these loops might increase recon or feel heavy but I’ve actually felt a little lighter since listening. I haven’t even taken my L-Theanine yet, so pretty good state change.
I was searching for some entries on Chosen of Venus module and I found your journal. Man I really relate to your journey. We kinda on the same path with experiences and all that. I haven’t made it to the alphas again yet though. Still on Spartan, LOS, and LBFH/DRLD custom. Have decided TWTP is my next move when the time comes.
Hope it helped. I’ll say that Synergy: Venus Unveiled which is Blue Skies, Chosen of Venus and Depths of Love is legit the best module to have with Love Bomb. If I ever make Love Bomb a name embedded title, Venus Unveiled would be IT!
I definitely think the open receptive vibe I have, that air of loving invitation is partly from Chosen of Venus. The Synergy module has been super helpful to my development of Love, all the different types.
I have to say, I find my perception of myself to be highly sexy. I’m pretty sure Synergy: Apollon Unbound is kicking in. Besides seeing myself in the mirror and sexiness being the word in my mind, the way I stand, hold my body and walk ‘feel’ sexier. I can totally feel the embodiment of sexy at times, today was particularly strong. My mood has been quite elevated too. I feel charged up, I went shopping after work and I felt I brought energy of some sort to wherever I was.
Only took 10 cycles for me to really notice the sexiness scripting lol
How are you?
Sun
Evolution - 4:30 mins
Quiet weekend, still consistently exercising. Making slow gains at least to me. My weight just sits at 144/145 regardless of building muscle or cutting calories hence why I stopped restricting calories and am focusing on just getting stronger.
I chilled out a little bit on the aggressiveness but my intolerance for stupid hasn’t changed. Aversion has been increasing, it’s as if the more I level up, the less I want to a part of anything.
@RVconsultant things are consistent but I have cooled off since that post you referenced.
Which post?
The post you replied to when you asked how I am. I guess referenced was the wrong word.
In any case underlying frustration and hostility to authority especially at work. Less interested in general participation these days, increasing intolerance. I take 2 - 3 days in-between my two loops a week, once I get to 5 to 7 min loops I’ll probably listen once a week.
Quiet hostility and inner frustration. It’s not overwhelming but has definitely been affecting my mood and behavior. The persistent haunting and condemnation of my past is getting too me, like enough already. These really uncomfortable situations from my past show up and just really cause discomfort. I notice I’m experiencing dark thoughts, undesirable images in my mind randomly, I don’t believe these are ‘my’ thoughts but rather influences and I try to remain unattached to these external thoughts coming my way.
This week just hasn’t been anything else but what looks like burdens, old and new coming to the surface. I also seem to becoming overly aware of how ‘stuck’ I am in my current circumstances. When I prioritize certain things over the rest and my current life is the result, there’s no one to blame but myself. My unwillingness to compromise certain things keeps me from having the rest and I’m having a hard time fully accepting this as I’m constantly looking for a way out while trying to maintain the few successes I have.
The frustration I think is purely related to not having a solution, yet…
The barrage of my past, I don’t know what that is about, it’s probably a good thing but when you’re in it, it’s never fun.
I’m in a phase where I’ve increased effort but have yet to see the results from said effort and it’s causing some doubt. However I continue to recite my gratitude list, thank The Lord for my blessings and push myself to continue in spite of having doubt because doesn’t help you get anywhere.
That last post reads like I might have well written it. It’s extreme recon and it’s hell.
When going through recon, keep going. That’s what’s happening here as well.
Our feelings are useless on many of these days. So I ignore them a lot of the times (when it becomes too much) and continue stoically as much as possible).
Weds
Evolution - 5 mins
Glm - 5 mins
The anger started to fade slowly this morning. There’s a growing resolve forming to never be weak again and to stop acting weak/doing weak things. My conscience seems overly sensitive in regards to overseeing this play out. Lots of thoughts direction my actions, catching me before I make a poor choice. Pushing me towards productive actions. It’s like having a strong guide keeping me on the straight path.
So far in the past month to 6 weeks
No ejaculations
No porn
No binging/junk food recon (I do allow a cheat snack but that’s not same as emotional binging)
Consistent exercise
Low procrastination (getting things done quite quickly, as needed)
Being able to continue in successful even while tolerating/embracing the anger, frustration and resentful attitude towards my job has been inspiring. In the past, a bad attitude or irrational emotions would almost certainly result is me backsliding or sabotaging something but now I’m more Resilient it seems.
Using Glm every other listening day has helped shore up my custom, feels like positive reinforcement when coupled with Emperor. It’s hard telling what comes from where anymore but the grounded feeling is comforting, it’s stabilizing and it feels damn good. The way you put your work boots on and stand there ready to go, it’s surety, confidence.
The messed up memories and scenarios of the past continue to come and haunt me but the intensity has eased a little, that or I’m getting stronger and less affected by them. I guess showing me weakness for days and weeks was the goal. In order to grow you have to see where you started? Idk, the sheer discomfort of reliving the past has definitely been a catalyst for this ‘never be weak again’ mindset that’s evolving. My favorite result lately? Consistency I hope Fire makes a consistency module unless VS: Diligence is already that?
Either way, I think I’m moving through it
Sun
Evolution - 5:30 loop
Not much to say other than about 4 mins in I think my mind was saying too much, felt some aches come on. I guess I need more rest day since getting to 5 mins again. One more listening day on Weds then washout. Next cycle I’ll go 3 or 4 days between loops or just once a week. This new anti recon stuff seems promising, just wish they’d put it in a title I’d actually listen to. Hopefully the upgraded Glm has it and releases soon so I can try it out, it’d probably help greatly with this custom as even after 11 cycles it’s still giving me a hard time. Yep…few mins after loop and I feel the mental burden/fatigue and recon starting. Nights like tonight require digging deeper into that pool of resilience to get things moving.
My sleep has been suffering more and more this month. I’m not sure what to do. I cycle between sleep aids and shift waking times. I considered Paragon sleep next cycle but I’m not sure it’d help someone on night shift or make it worse.
Tues End of Cycle 10/ Washout
Evolution - 6 Mins
Glm - 6 Mins
Weds was supposed to my last listening day yet I started my loops and then realized it was Tues so screw it.
This week has been a challenge. Less motivated, kind of grumpy and a lot of fatigue, both mentally and physically. Sleep continues to be an issue, I can’t seem to fall asleep with taking a pill and I really want off the meds.
I get irritated way too easily and I’m sweating all the small stuff, probably dealing with a lot of processing, I could feel the burden on Sun and now I I’m listening a day early by oversight. Next cycle will be less loops.
After my loops I went to leave for work and I grabbed a gallon jug of water instead of my lunch pag as I headed to the car. Scatterbrained as hell now, driving to work I felt really detached and unaware like my subconscious was driving while consciously I’m off dealing with the processing. Yea…too much exposure. I got 11 days to sort it out but hopefully manageable. I don’t want to make any mistakes tonight.
On a positive note, I finally wore my 30x30 work pants I bought over 1 year ago. They are snug but wearable, so while I don’t ‘see’ visible physical affects or slimming, the fact I can just fit into these over my 32x30 (using a belt) is a good sign things are happening. Dropping weight without fasting is much slower but now I’m not screwing with my liver, leaking bile and recirculating toxins like before, so I’ll take this over doing damage any day.
This cycle has predominantly been low result. Granted I moved up by 30 seconds each listening day so I’m not shocked by the lower motivation, low enthusiasm, less exercise, increased fatigue and less friendly mood all probably a result of increased processing load. Even after 10 cycles it’s difficult to run 5 mins. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about just stopping this custom, sometimes I get sissy and think I’ve gained nothing but that’s just untrue. I just need to accept that my flow factor is low and it’s my issue to deal with. It’s more difficult to acknowledge results or even notice them when you feel less than ideal.
Edit: 11pm, Called my coworker by the wrong name lol. I swear…I’m all effed up tonight.
Yesterday at work ppl were looking a little too hard at me, felt like I was unconsciously attracting ppls attention. Not something I like honestly, my mind kept trying to figure out what was wrong that I was being looked at so much. That showed me I must not think I’m good enough or worthy since I defaulted to a negative lens over the situation.
Had a coworker try and help figure out the issue my work area machines were having. He seemed overly willing to help/assist and also ‘apologized’ numerous times for what he thought was imposing. I haven’t seen that before…when someone leads a statement such as ‘hey, I wanted to apologize, I didn’t mean to take over your area’ or ‘Sorry, don’t worry none of this is your fault if it sounded that way at first’. I ended up with 2 or 3 ppl all having my back over an issue that was originally attributed to something else. The whole thing was unusual, namely the sudden interest in assisting me and the sheer determination by coworkers to ‘show up’ for me as if I was somehow ‘Important’ - I guess the customs Auras kicked back on after the recon faded, Idk.
Lately I’ve also been overly preoccupied with my image. I’ve been gathering up clothes that are loose, don’t fit right or even colors I know aren’t the best for me and removing them. I find myself more and more concerned with getting in shape. Making my food choices even more strict and continuing to exercise. Weight loss is slow but I knew it would be after my yo-yo fasting last few years caused the toxicity to concentrate, it’ll take longer as my liver continues to process it all out. Man I wish I knew that before fasting, I would have handled it differently, correctly.
It could be a Glm bloom but there’s this nagging idea/belief in my mind that a Man does X and does not do Y ect. I am gaining clarity on what things a proper man does or does not do and it’s intuitive rather than overtly conscious. I couldn’t really describe it but it’s as if I’m being led internally by the Glm compass and slowly but surely refining my behavior and actions towards being a proper man, whatever that means exactly I’m not sure but this is all very good preparation for my future run of Hero.
I really enjoy the neverending pursuit of betterment.
That sudden shift of them into “respect” mode or whatever it is reminded me of this journal entry of mine
Interesting, yeah your post is quite similar in experience. Like ppl not exactly tip toeing around us but being overly obvious with caution, hesitation, deference, or submissiveness ect.
The way ppl react to me sometimes is just…weird.
The guy I had the experience with was way over-the-top lol. Totally deferential. Reading back over that section of journal brings back some fond memories.
I’ve been thinking about the past and now the present. I’m pretty sure as I become less toxic physically and reconcile my emotional and mental pathologies through subs, that I’m turning into a morning person.
I was on 3rd shift the past 9 years and it made sense. Working nights, away from attention and the hustle and bustle of days felt ‘safe’. I was also really unhealthy and neurotic. As I’ve been going through subs such as the healing focused ones when I first began and now more direct development ones, I’ve seen much less of an urge to run, hide or escape. I’ve never really looked at working nights as a coping strategy but it makes sense.
The incredible work I’ve been doing thanks to Love Bomb has yielded significant changes in my perception of myself, changes in positive behavior and openness to others which just wasn’t an option a year and more ago. I wake up at night still as I’m still on nights but I’m noticing the increase in tiredness at night upon waking, ywt once 5am comes at work I seem to just wake up and by 7:30am when I get home, I’m not even tired. Years ago I could easily sleep 10 hours and now I’m sleeping about 7. The cleaner my body gets, the cleaner the food and water I consume the more I shine.
With each passing week it’s becoming more overt that my body is literally fighting me over sleeping during the day. I’m glad because it’s a big sign of improving health but I’m stressed because there’s no viable option/opportunity around me to change anything.
I just wanted to document how much things are changing.
Putting more effort into my self image
No longer shying away from attention(not chasing it though)
Calm masculine presence increasing while insecure doubt fading when around others
Understanding that we are all lost and that we are all the same on some level, thus removing animosity I’ve held for a long time
Consistent exercise
More responsive, less reactive
Much less anger and frustration(outside of recon)
Cultivation of inner detachment(I used to be hypervigilant and hyper attached to things/ppl)
Detoxification and diet routine
The return of caring - I’ve begun to ‘care’ about myself and things again, after years of disconnecting out of trauma and pain.
Drive and ambition coming from within, to achieve whatever I’m interested in pursuing, the will to move. I used to just ‘survive, not thrive’ now that’s changing.
Renewed interest in righteousness, living pure and virtuous vs following the crowd of consumption and hedonism as if nothing matters.
I’ve also come to see that my urge to run a lot of different subs has really died out. There’s only maybe 5 subs in total I’m interested in listening to. This tells me that I’m really starting to understand the path I want to walk and what titles I believe will help me to there. I guess it’s just increased and refined clarity based on introspection.
Two more cycles with this custom and I’ll be satisfied with this run. This washout wasn’t very profound until this realization of the changes and why’s I’ve seen happen. It’s too easy to get upset looking back and seeing all the time I’ve wasted living scared and traumatized, so instead of getting upset over what could have been, I choose gratitude that I see it now, at 40 and not 60 or 70. There’s still time.
It looks like my 40s are gearing up to be my best decade. Nothing but opportunity ahead, as long as I keep moving forward and taking action like I am.
I’ve been walking around lately with this aire of arrogance, this knowing of sex appeal exuding from me. - Synergy: Apollon Unbound is definitely at work here.
Even though I’m nowhere near what I’d call ‘fit’, I seem to be playing the part unconsciously. Getting new hairstyle at barber, playing with beard/goatee styles, improving clothes. It honestly feels weird, this ‘vibe’ I’m riding. It feels unearned but I’m working to earn it.
Started putting much more effort into myself, I always looked down on such behavior thinking it was vain and I still think too much IS vain, however to ignore making yourself acceptable is probably the worse offense. I find myself eager to capitalize on any strengths I have and continue to push for success.