Geoff's Journal - Evolution

[Geoff]

Weds

Evolution - 5 mins

Glm - 5 mins

The anger started to fade slowly this morning. There’s a growing resolve forming to never be weak again and to stop acting weak/doing weak things. My conscience seems overly sensitive in regards to overseeing this play out. Lots of thoughts direction my actions, catching me before I make a poor choice. Pushing me towards productive actions. It’s like having a strong guide keeping me on the straight path.

So far in the past month to 6 weeks

No ejaculations
No porn
No binging/junk food recon (I do allow a cheat snack but that’s not same as emotional binging)
Consistent exercise
Low procrastination (getting things done quite quickly, as needed)

Being able to continue in successful even while tolerating/embracing the anger, frustration and resentful attitude towards my job has been inspiring. In the past, a bad attitude or irrational emotions would almost certainly result is me backsliding or sabotaging something but now I’m more Resilient it seems.

Using Glm every other listening day has helped shore up my custom, feels like positive reinforcement when coupled with Emperor. It’s hard telling what comes from where anymore but the grounded feeling is comforting, it’s stabilizing and it feels damn good. The way you put your work boots on and stand there ready to go, it’s surety, confidence.

The messed up memories and scenarios of the past continue to come and haunt me but the intensity has eased a little, that or I’m getting stronger and less affected by them. I guess showing me weakness for days and weeks was the goal. In order to grow you have to see where you started? Idk, the sheer discomfort of reliving the past has definitely been a catalyst for this ‘never be weak again’ mindset that’s evolving. My favorite result lately? Consistency I hope Fire makes a consistency module unless VS: Diligence is already that?

Either way, I think I’m moving through it

[Geoff]

Sun

Evolution - 5:30 loop

Not much to say other than about 4 mins in I think my mind was saying too much, felt some aches come on. I guess I need more rest day since getting to 5 mins again. One more listening day on Weds then washout. Next cycle I’ll go 3 or 4 days between loops or just once a week. This new anti recon stuff seems promising, just wish they’d put it in a title I’d actually listen to. Hopefully the upgraded Glm has it and releases soon so I can try it out, it’d probably help greatly with this custom as even after 11 cycles it’s still giving me a hard time. Yep…few mins after loop and I feel the mental burden/fatigue and recon starting. Nights like tonight require digging deeper into that pool of resilience to get things moving.

My sleep has been suffering more and more this month. I’m not sure what to do. I cycle between sleep aids and shift waking times. I considered Paragon sleep next cycle but I’m not sure it’d help someone on night shift or make it worse.

[Geoff]

Tues End of Cycle 10/ Washout

Evolution - 6 Mins

Glm - 6 Mins

Weds was supposed to my last listening day yet I started my loops and then realized it was Tues so screw it.

This week has been a challenge. Less motivated, kind of grumpy and a lot of fatigue, both mentally and physically. Sleep continues to be an issue, I can’t seem to fall asleep with taking a pill and I really want off the meds.

I get irritated way too easily and I’m sweating all the small stuff, probably dealing with a lot of processing, I could feel the burden on Sun and now I I’m listening a day early by oversight. Next cycle will be less loops.

[Geoff]

After my loops I went to leave for work and I grabbed a gallon jug of water instead of my lunch pag as I headed to the car. Scatterbrained as hell now, driving to work I felt really detached and unaware like my subconscious was driving while consciously I’m off dealing with the processing. Yea…too much exposure. I got 11 days to sort it out but hopefully manageable. I don’t want to make any mistakes tonight.

On a positive note, I finally wore my 30x30 work pants I bought over 1 year ago. They are snug but wearable, so while I don’t ‘see’ visible physical affects or slimming, the fact I can just fit into these over my 32x30 (using a belt) is a good sign things are happening. Dropping weight without fasting is much slower but now I’m not screwing with my liver, leaking bile and recirculating toxins like before, so I’ll take this over doing damage any day.

This cycle has predominantly been low result. Granted I moved up by 30 seconds each listening day so I’m not shocked by the lower motivation, low enthusiasm, less exercise, increased fatigue and less friendly mood all probably a result of increased processing load. Even after 10 cycles it’s difficult to run 5 mins. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about just stopping this custom, sometimes I get sissy and think I’ve gained nothing but that’s just untrue. I just need to accept that my flow factor is low and it’s my issue to deal with. It’s more difficult to acknowledge results or even notice them when you feel less than ideal.

Edit: 11pm, Called my coworker by the wrong name lol. I swear…I’m all effed up tonight.

[Geoff]

Yesterday at work ppl were looking a little too hard at me, felt like I was unconsciously attracting ppls attention. Not something I like honestly, my mind kept trying to figure out what was wrong that I was being looked at so much. That showed me I must not think I’m good enough or worthy since I defaulted to a negative lens over the situation.

Had a coworker try and help figure out the issue my work area machines were having. He seemed overly willing to help/assist and also ‘apologized’ numerous times for what he thought was imposing. I haven’t seen that before…when someone leads a statement such as ‘hey, I wanted to apologize, I didn’t mean to take over your area’ or ‘Sorry, don’t worry none of this is your fault if it sounded that way at first’. I ended up with 2 or 3 ppl all having my back over an issue that was originally attributed to something else. The whole thing was unusual, namely the sudden interest in assisting me and the sheer determination by coworkers to ‘show up’ for me as if I was somehow ‘Important’ - I guess the customs Auras kicked back on after the recon faded, Idk.

Lately I’ve also been overly preoccupied with my image. I’ve been gathering up clothes that are loose, don’t fit right or even colors I know aren’t the best for me and removing them. I find myself more and more concerned with getting in shape. Making my food choices even more strict and continuing to exercise. Weight loss is slow but I knew it would be after my yo-yo fasting last few years caused the toxicity to concentrate, it’ll take longer as my liver continues to process it all out. Man I wish I knew that before fasting, I would have handled it differently, correctly.

It could be a Glm bloom but there’s this nagging idea/belief in my mind that a Man does X and does not do Y ect. I am gaining clarity on what things a proper man does or does not do and it’s intuitive rather than overtly conscious. I couldn’t really describe it but it’s as if I’m being led internally by the Glm compass and slowly but surely refining my behavior and actions towards being a proper man, whatever that means exactly I’m not sure but this is all very good preparation for my future run of Hero.

I really enjoy the neverending pursuit of betterment.

[Trader]

That sudden shift of them into “respect” mode or whatever it is reminded me of this journal entry of mine

[Geoff]

Interesting, yeah your post is quite similar in experience. Like ppl not exactly tip toeing around us but being overly obvious with caution, hesitation, deference, or submissiveness ect.

The way ppl react to me sometimes is just…weird.

[Trader]

The guy I had the experience with was way over-the-top lol. Totally deferential. Reading back over that section of journal brings back some fond memories.

[Geoff]

I’ve been thinking about the past and now the present. I’m pretty sure as I become less toxic physically and reconcile my emotional and mental pathologies through subs, that I’m turning into a morning person.

I was on 3rd shift the past 9 years and it made sense. Working nights, away from attention and the hustle and bustle of days felt ‘safe’. I was also really unhealthy and neurotic. As I’ve been going through subs such as the healing focused ones when I first began and now more direct development ones, I’ve seen much less of an urge to run, hide or escape. I’ve never really looked at working nights as a coping strategy but it makes sense.

The incredible work I’ve been doing thanks to Love Bomb has yielded significant changes in my perception of myself, changes in positive behavior and openness to others which just wasn’t an option a year and more ago. I wake up at night still as I’m still on nights but I’m noticing the increase in tiredness at night upon waking, ywt once 5am comes at work I seem to just wake up and by 7:30am when I get home, I’m not even tired. Years ago I could easily sleep 10 hours and now I’m sleeping about 7. The cleaner my body gets, the cleaner the food and water I consume the more I shine.

With each passing week it’s becoming more overt that my body is literally fighting me over sleeping during the day. I’m glad because it’s a big sign of improving health but I’m stressed because there’s no viable option/opportunity around me to change anything.

I just wanted to document how much things are changing.

Putting more effort into my self image
No longer shying away from attention(not chasing it though)
Calm masculine presence increasing while insecure doubt fading when around others
Understanding that we are all lost and that we are all the same on some level, thus removing animosity I’ve held for a long time
Consistent exercise
More responsive, less reactive
Much less anger and frustration(outside of recon)
Cultivation of inner detachment(I used to be hypervigilant and hyper attached to things/ppl)
Detoxification and diet routine
The return of caring - I’ve begun to ‘care’ about myself and things again, after years of disconnecting out of trauma and pain.
Drive and ambition coming from within, to achieve whatever I’m interested in pursuing, the will to move. I used to just ‘survive, not thrive’ now that’s changing.
Renewed interest in righteousness, living pure and virtuous vs following the crowd of consumption and hedonism as if nothing matters.

I’ve also come to see that my urge to run a lot of different subs has really died out. There’s only maybe 5 subs in total I’m interested in listening to. This tells me that I’m really starting to understand the path I want to walk and what titles I believe will help me to there. I guess it’s just increased and refined clarity based on introspection.

Two more cycles with this custom and I’ll be satisfied with this run. This washout wasn’t very profound until this realization of the changes and why’s I’ve seen happen. It’s too easy to get upset looking back and seeing all the time I’ve wasted living scared and traumatized, so instead of getting upset over what could have been, I choose gratitude that I see it now, at 40 and not 60 or 70. There’s still time.

It looks like my 40s are gearing up to be my best decade. Nothing but opportunity ahead, as long as I keep moving forward and taking action like I am.

[Geoff]

I’ve been walking around lately with this aire of arrogance, this knowing of sex appeal exuding from me. - Synergy: Apollon Unbound is definitely at work here.

Even though I’m nowhere near what I’d call ‘fit’, I seem to be playing the part unconsciously. Getting new hairstyle at barber, playing with beard/goatee styles, improving clothes. It honestly feels weird, this ‘vibe’ I’m riding. It feels unearned but I’m working to earn it.

Started putting much more effort into myself, I always looked down on such behavior thinking it was vain and I still think too much IS vain, however to ignore making yourself acceptable is probably the worse offense. I find myself eager to capitalize on any strengths I have and continue to push for success.

[Trader]

I’d never looked seriously at the physical shifting modules such as that one before. But after what I think is WB making me think about “style” more seriously, I’m adding that to my list of modules to license. I’m basically setting aside enough $ to license one module each paycheck until I have all the ones I want.

[Geoff]

This morning grocery shopping after wor, I noticed two times being checked out. Once by a worker I see often and another time on the way out by a random young woman.

That really doesn’t happen to me, or at least it didn’t before this stack. I’m definitely feeling better about myself in general. Divine Self-Image and Pride Unbroken are two modules I underestimated. My self image is much, much better and with Pride Unbroken, I feel as though I walk around with a shield that grants indifference towards any attack or behavior aimed at diminishing me. Impeturbability (unable to be upset or excited; calm.) I guess.

This washout has been great. Only a day or so of past experiences coming up, introspection of childhood scenarios and the like. Mostly I feel a renewed sense of vigor towards getting into shape and I found myself searching for and watching masculine motivation youtube clips, which was surprising. A sort of priming of my mindset maybe. Two days ago I was dreading working OT, yet tonight I came in 3.5 hrs early and doing 8 hrs even though I missed 2 hours during the week, so even though I’m only getting 6 hours OT pay for working 8, I am still doing it. Normally I’d talk myself out of it aka cost vs. benefits ect

This washout gave me clarity on my use. I wouldn’t say that I’ve been over-exposing per say, rather I simply don’t process the sub input as fast as I’d like to think I do. So this next cycle I’ll be going 4 rest days per loop instead of 2 loops a week spaced 2, then 3. I’ll just go every 4 until cycle is complete. Hopefully this yields positive results as I do notice the 10 days on washouts do seem to be subjectively the ‘best’ experience where I feel the most empowered and recognize the little things more often.

[Geoff]

Cycle 11

Sat

Evolution - 6 mins

Next loop, no earlier than Weds.

Today, for some reason I woke up at noon instead of my usual 6:45pm. Instead of laying around I removed and replaced an area in my backyard used for a garden to now reseeded to grow grass. Laid out straw on top even, definitely put in the effort to do it ‘right’ instead of just hurrying through it. Got some spring cleaning done and burned up all the boxes accumulated over winter. I ended up cinging off some hair as I got a little close to burn barrel when the wind gust flared it up, lucky it wasn’t bad. I’m surprised today by the dedication, productivity and determination I have. There was no plans to do anything really yet here I accomplished a lot. Feels good.

I think Gentleman’s Speech is hitting too. I’m more concise with my speech. Saying only what matters, a lot less fluff in conversation, more direct and I’ve noticed that cussing is way down. If I do have the urge to use words, I’ll say “yeah, that’s effed up” instead of the usual. I’m also more creative sometimes finding and using unique words. I’m starting to want to expand my vocabulary as well and also use those new words when I speak.

I’ve been having some really good days lately and I’m grateful.

[Geoff]

Love Bomb + Emperor really is a powerful pairing.

I’ve been consistently building habits that are actually lasting over time.

Exercise for example, I was always looking for motivation to exercise and it never stuck. However now, I’ve developed enough self love, self value and the desire to take care of myself that I look forward to exercising automatically. I don’t even look for the motivation to work out, I just feel like I want to do better for myself and exercise is just one way of expressing that goal.

I’m slowly decreasing the amount of food I eat at work also, realizing a lot of it is simply eating out of boredom. It’s all clean food too, just more calories than I need. There’s been no junk food in weeks, previously I had one cheat snack on the weekends but I have since dropped that too.

I haven’t moved on the scale. I’m still 144/145lbs. Yet I can tell I’ve built some muscle and my 30x30 work pants that I could not button in January, and that were uncomfortably snug in march are now just snug/slightly tight and I know they’ll only fit better with time. In fact, I even bought two more work pants at 30x30 out of celebration for moving closer to my goals. I have the confidence in knowing I’ll get there and I backed it with spending $ on it.

The reasons for why I am doing things is coming from a deeper place, a more authentic place of valuing myself. I’ve become so much less shallow. How I dress, how I talk and the way I carry myself have all matured. I’ve definitely created more pride in myself and my environment is elevating in proportion to my internal level. Bringing my life and self up to standard I guess.

When I first started Emperor, I didn’t like it. Even just a few cycles ago I was doubting continuing. It really is a slow burn . The sales page does say that Emperor is meant to be used consistently over time and it’s true. Not everyone will take as long as me to really start feeling the shifts but I’m glad I kept going.

I knew it before, but now I know it. Mindset really is the beginning, it’s the foundation of which your actions take hold. If you have the ‘correct’ mindset, you can achieve so much. But you have an unhealthy or damaged mindset, even basic things seem impossible. I’m speaking from experience, my 20s and 30s were terrible and now at 40, my Life begins

[Geoff]

Weds

Evolution - 7 mins

The past 4 days were pretty good, so I’m going for 7 mins tonight. Been feeling a little ‘better than this’ all week. At work I’m kind of calling out the inefficiency, lack of communication and time wasting in ways that don’t put a target on me.

There is definitely a low tolerance for b.s. mindset with Emperor, I’ve also felt less nice, kind or loving this week. That’s not to say I’ve been unkind, rather just maybe less emotional and less agreeable towards situations and people. I’m getting used to it, it’s probably just development of a more masculine backbone and higher standards for myself and others around me.

[Geoff]

There’s definitely been reconciliation symptoms this week at 7 mins. Firstly, impatience. Impatience intensifies when I’m going through stuff. Second, judgement. Idk if it’s recon or just me growing through my past. I’ve been very judgemental all week. I can’t over hear a conversation, read a forum post or look at anyone without mentally picking them apart. I don’t like it, it feels oppositional towards what Love Bombs scripting would provide.

Exercise has been going well. The new pants are snug but wearable but when I eat or drink they become uncomfortable lol, so I have a ways to go. I couldn’t find the post but I know 3 months or so that I could barely do 3 push ups. Now I’m up to 15 chest to floor, full extension quality push ups. 12 dips, 10 Nordic curls and 50 KB swings. I started at 10 bodyweight squats, now I’m up to 60. Who knew bodyweight squats could be such an ass kicker.

My lower body is overly tight, my gracilis muscles and adductors are brutally tight. I have to hold onto my couch trying to stretch. I still can’t hold in a full squat without falling over. It really pisses me off seeing how weak and unfit I am but we all start somewhere. The most important thing is consistency. I’m been increasingly interested in fitness over the past few weeks, it’s as if fitness is now mandatory in order to call myself a Man which is great and I’m all about it.

This past week at work I noticed less attention, a sort of disinterested vibe coming from people. Less greetings and less conversations. Can others tell I’m in a recon? Is my Aura full of ‘static’ when in reconciliation and giving off erratic energy? Seems like it and would make sense why others act differently. Is there something in my custom at 7 mins that’s drastically different than 6 mins? Either way, I’ve noted it. Honestly I don’t feel as open or friendly this week either so maybe it’s just a response to my own projections.

[Geoff]

Sun

Evolution - 7 mins

Paragon - 7 mins

Man, I’ve felt hit all weekend. Exercised Fri night but nothing since. Definitely feeling detox symptoms, must be pushing too hard. Woke up feeling whole body fatigue and just no energy or enthusiasm which has not been the norm. Looking forward to this lifting. Got a slight headache, really want to call off work tonight but that won’t solve anything.

I wonder if it would have been wiser to listen to Paragon before bed not before work…

[Geoff]

Man, this week’s been a struggle. Less energy, less urge to exercise though I’m doing something. Feels like I strained my right arm and doing scapula dips instead of regular dips didn’t help and I’ve been sore all night.

It’s been 7 days off Unisom sleeping pills and after talking to a friend, found out about histamine rebound. I’ve been dealing with this rough itchiness for a week and it’s still going. Who knew antihistamines could mess you up so much. My moods been all over the place.

I haven’t really noticed my last loops at all. Even Paragon hasn’t helped this histamine rebound. I guess it’s just going to take time.

I’m more and more wanting to listen to my Spirituality custom again, the urge has been increasing.

I’ve suddenly lost the drive for work too. Don’t care about OT, cross training or doing anything but 40 hours a week. Is this recon based or me realizing my time is more important. I used to give everything to my jobs, now I’m feeling detached and just want to do the minimum while spending more on ‘me’. I think this is a good thing but I’m not sure yet. I get the feeling I’m lacking some grounded clarity on things but this seems to be the path I’m on now…developing healthy selfishness.

[Geoff]

Needing nothing, attracts everything. I want to be free. I want zero vices, detachment and complete self empowerment.

I’ll be 10 years sober on Dec 20th this year. Looking back, I quit alcohol, drugs and cigarettes. This year I’m pharmaceutical free, done with all that poison. I’m finding out that even herbs aren’t good. Stopped using my herbal sleep salve after doing some digging. So far it’s just Homeopathic tablets for sleep. I’d like to get to the point of using nothing.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come, years ago I was taking so much crap just to sleep. Histamine rebound sucks, I swear I’ll never take another antihistamine product again. The more crap I remove/cut off the more ‘tired’ I feel. As if my body is finally free to feel what was being hid or suppressed by the substances. The older I get, the more I realize the less I actually need. You grow up and see the world and think you need to eat this, take that, use ect. I don’t need the crap, I never did.

I’ve been slowly reducing calories too, trying to see if I indeed eat too much. I’ve cut out stuff I bring to work and I’m still doing okay. It’s been tough trying to convince myself that I don’t need as much food as I’m used to. Started making cooked sorghum + ground beef and man is that filling. Clean, simple foods. The more fake food you eat, the quicker you get hungry because it’s empty crap.

Purity has been on my mind a lot. Less is more. Urges to go through my home and just get rid of shit. I keep going through my clothes too, removing stuff that doesn’t fit or isn’t a flattering color. There’s an odd desire within to ‘streamline’ things. Honestly my overall drive has faded somewhat, I’ve become more disinterested in things yet at the same time more focused on me/my environment.

I used to let myself/my home/my needs go in order to invest at work or in others. Now it seems to be reversing, I’m way more interested in me and mine. I’ve been incorrectly investing my time, until now.

Do better, be better - theme of the week.

[Geoff]

Mindset and how you feel about yourself are key for any change.

Introspecting my life now I can see why I put so much value on the external. Over investing in my job, acting as if coworkers were better than they were, being a people pleaser, following others instead of myself. I had a broken mindset and I had zero love for myself. Because of that, my life was terrible. The worst part of it all was I couldn’t see why, I had blinders on - no clarity into my own issues. I pacified myself with drugs and alcohol which solved nothing. I continued crashing into life awkwardly until the Law forced me to wake up.

Since that time 9.5 years ago, I’ve slowly, too slowly started changing. The mindset, if your perception is negatively filtered then life will be negative like mine was. Self Love, if you hate yourself then what’s going to change? I had no foundation.

This custom has been drilling me deep. I’ve had such deep realizations which are actually pretty simple but I think with the wrong mindset, you can’t see the simple yet profound truths waiting for you.

I’ll go a few days where it feels like absolutely nothing is happening. Then I’ll get hit with a wave of insight and a renewed commitment to myself.

Changing your mindset - Simple, not easy.

Consistent positive action + resilience can be life changing, it’s working for me.