Im going to start again actually for emperor and QL! Ill tag you bro
Dragon was super tricky for me, many times i felt sad, many times i felt nothing, random days i felt great, but one thing that was consistent was the push towards doing everything i needed to come to my ideal form or version of myself. But like people said dragon and other healing can be tricky since alot of the results are inner and you might not see crazy external shifts
This is definitely a support question. A 6 day washout might be just what you need.
See what support says about what you might do next.
If it were me, I would start with 3 minute loops of stage 2 and run it Monday and Thursday, and notice what happens. Then re-evaluate.
Washout
Continued,
Been having lots of mini memories specific to moments of me being in trouble. Times a child, or young adult. I donāt know what to make of itā¦I have realized that almost everytime I think of the past itās negative.
I either canāt remember good times as a child or my mind is so filled with traumatic experiences that cemented themselves in memory that Iām unable to see the positive.
Trying to examine these memories but the more I try to engage, the farther away I get. As if Iām not supposed to actively participate. But when I stop thinking about the memories, itās like they appear right in front of me. Whatās up with what.
Iāve always been a negative person and Iām starting to see why. My whole life has been a series of unfortunate events which caused significant damage. I donāt want my identity to be so negative. No wonder Iām alone in life, as who wants to be around such darkness.
Iāve gotten glimpses of inner peace, happiness and itās fantastic. Maybe this is why stage 2 for me is so full of recon. Iām going through my entire 37 years of darkness, reconciling everything I can.
The awareness of the heavy darkness is burdensome for sure. I wonder how I must look to others. Do they see someone filled with pain and unresolved issues? Do they see a child in a manās body? Do they see suppressed anger and rage?
Feeling a heightened sense of rejection tonight, through all these memories where Iām being shown just how unwanted I am, and how Iāve made that my identity all these years. Iāve acted and behaved in ways that inevitably got me rejected by people too, as a self fulfilling prophecy after so many years of having been rejected. Thatās sadā¦why would I do this.
Iāve taken others opinions to heart way to much growing up. Iāve never had a strong identity. Never felt strong convictions or if I did have convictions, they were easily dismissed. This must be why I have a tendency to lash out at times. I was always over looked, dismissed as unimportant or used and tossed out easily.
People walk over me because I let them? Or because I didnāt have enough strength to hold firm or has my body language/behavior always attracted people who rolled over me. 
Lots to mull over, too many thoughts, too many paths. 3 more days of washout and Iām feeling just as mentally full as ever.
I now realize how pathetic I have been. How pathetically disillusioned I am towards myself.
It must be a coping mechanism, to morph self perception in order to protect oneself.
I really need to open my eyes. I am not what I think I am. Letās take off the layers of self fed b.s. and look at what is truly there.
There is nowhere left to hide.
Sunday morning
Running 1 loop of my Paragon custom. I will be running this once a week.
Iām also dropping ascension chamber as everytime I run it, I end up in reconciliation from the boosting effects.
As for DR, I think Iāll try out Mon and Thurs vs. MWF. This cycle. Iāve been in processing ever since I started stage 2. This stage is going deep.
I canāt say to what effects Iāve noticed yet. Iām just moving through it, trying to cope while maintaining lifeās responsibilities.
Iāve been feeling overwhelmed, pressured and rushed trying to do everything myself. It never stops, normally I handle everything and still do but without the stress and sense of rushing.
Even on weekends I canāt relax well enough, Iām always tense and heightened.
Letās see how this week goes.
Random thoughts of the momentā¦
I donāt like how emotionally driven I seem to be. During the whole washout, continuing through today Iāve been short with others. I canāt handle small talk, or even just conversation thatās just not to the point. Been really impatient all week. Internally I feel rushed. Even when I get home after work, Iām rushing to get to bedā¦why? I canāt even relax these days.
Iāve been using food as a crutch again. Pisses me off how I donāt seem to have any self control. Or Iām just talking myself into bad choices citing the worldās going to shit, or I donāt have anyone to impress or whatās the point of blah blah.
What am I trying to cope with. This uneasy feeling Iām carrying has been with me forever it seems, when is this going to leave. What do I need to do.
Seems like Iāve lost all direction that I used to have. I go to work everyday so I can pay to exist. Other than thatā¦I donāt have a clue anymore
DR Stage 2, cycle 2
1 loop DR Stage 2,
Getting ready for bed. Canāt shake this frustration Iām in. It just tags along with me everywhere I go. I wear my mood on my sleeve and I dislike it. I gotta work on removing stress from my life. Maybe thatās where the dopamine hit behavior chasing comes from. Or I just dislike my life so much that I try to numb or comfort myself with food.
If you could only survive in this life and not thriveā¦would you want to. Itās easy to be grateful for what I have in this life but itās quite difficult to āwantā it. This world is shit once you know, and being hereā¦waiting can be overwhelming sometimes.
Maybe Iām just over it, over myself and my b.s. neuroticism.
Well just made an impulsive decision and am running 1 loop of LBH(Love Bomb for Humanity).
I was in the middle of listening to 2nd Corinthians, Ch. 4 when I felt utterly compelled to play this track.
Drifters post in the main thread really hit me and Iāve been feeling at odds with this title since it was released. A true love/hate mood towards it.
I just donāt know anymore. It feels quite valid, the thought that Iām struggling so much from being unloved, abandoned emotionally and rejected literally since I was 1 or 2 years old.
Maybe this title will break through a wall, or get me to cry. Iām just about fed up with myself and I guess subconsciously I was lead here, to this moment.
Half way through this loop and I just feel heaviness in my chest/lung area. Not hot or cold, not happy or sadā¦just heavy.
Idkā¦I feel really confused and internally irritated, hence the impulsivityā¦ I also ordered tacos from uber eats tonight even though I brought food for dinner.
Thereās something just really wrong, whatever it is, it needs to be addressed. Iām tiredā¦ Iām tired of carrying this unseen burden thatās just out of sight enough to be understood and dealt with. Iām tired of hiding myself out of fear, tired of eating away the discomfort. Tired of depriving myself for a time only to go wild later. Tired of acting one way when Iām really the opposite.
An inauthentic life.
ā¦
Edit:
Itās been about 1 hour since the loop. Heaviness left but I am more noticeably tired, physically tired. And I still have 5 hours to go at workā¦
Edit: 2
Looking back, why do I and my journal look bipolar?
One day Iām raving about how positive, strong and stable I feel and how things look greatā¦to I donāt know who I am and what Iām doing while being haunted by the ghosts of unwelcome baggage.
Is this ānormalā on Dragon Reborn? Or is it just a testimony to how unstable my emotional core is?
I truly do not like looking back. I donāt like reading old journals on here nor can I even bring myself to read my old written ones that are put away. Maybe itās shame or pity.
DR Stage 2, cycle 2
So far since running LBH, Iāve been processing reconciliation. So much questioning going on.
I donāt feel anything related to humor, happiness or feelings of love. Nor do I feel sad or angry.
I did feel some self care vibe, which produced more and more questions towards my behavior and choices in life. It seems like Iām being asked why I do things in life that lead me farther away from self care and love.
So far today, I didnāt sleep well due to interrupted sleep waiting for a signature required FedEx delivery. And Iāve looked at porn quite a lot today. I seem to be wanting to look at breastsā¦Iām at work. I never look at such things at work but here I am. Itās all escapism.
Iām wondering why Iām trying to escape and comfort myself. Itās damn near constant. Food, entertainment, sexual imagery. What is it Iām just not dealing with? I canāt express how much Iād like to stop engaging in behaviors that produce no value and that cause myself harm.
I can honestly say that love makes me uncomfortable. The idea of it/receiving it gives me a feeling that is hard to allow or accept or embrace.
I thought that maybe this is why DR Stage 2 is such a rough stageā¦healing/love and I guess the only logical choice is to up the power with LBH.
In all seriousness, I feel quite uncomfortable. Iām just really uncomfortable 
but that tells me that Iām right where Iām supposed to be.
You got this, bro.
Remember the sine wave and remember the spiral staircase.
We see the same terrain again and again, but each time from a higher altitude.
DR Stage 2, cycle 2
Listening, day 4
1 loop LBH + 1 loop DR Stage 2
Less recon this week in total, though todayās run only puts me at 2 loops(each title) in total all week.
Iāve had two migraines in the past 2 weeks. Not sure if my paragon custom is working on something and these are manifesting or if itās unrelated but I havenāt had this many in awhile.
LBH is upping DR or maybe Iām just in overdrive with past memories once again. Theme is the same, showing me my part in scenarios that are just completely wrong. Choices I made, actions I took ect. Itās nice having less emotional attachment to those moments though I do feel strong aversion when in those moments, like how could I have done/said that type of thing.
Iām surprised how I donāt feel anything related to love. No warmth, no compassion, no sense of acceptance or love towards myself or others. Iām only 2 loops in so I wonāt complain but so far there is only this slight increase in understanding. Understanding of my foolishness.
Itās not indifference Iām feeling, maybe impartiality? Just dead center, equalā¦not sad or happy. My attitude towards others is neutral but willing to be friendly. Though I notice my tolerance for certain people is low. The ones who offer no value or look to take what they can, I feel exhausted just looking at them.
Idk, I think I carry too many expectations and create resentment and bitterness. If I can kill attachment within me and drop expectations, I think my life would change drastically for the better.
Now if only I knew how to make that happen in the literal sense.
Iām having hesitant thoughts towards working as much as I have been and I attribute it to LBH. Got a text earlier offering OT for Saturday and my first thought was āwhy, do I really need to?ā When before LBH it was ALWAYS YES.
While I donāt feel warm and loving internally or externally, I do see this stop and think feature coming up when opportunities present themselves. I find the urge to turn down or turn away from things this week. I donāt really feel like visiting my buddy, nor working OT Saturday. I had requested tonight off but then canceled it.
Things are trying to change, I guess Iām starting to seek out balance vs. always pushing myself all the time trying to maximize value.
Who knows what Iāll end up doing but just recognizing this change in me is good, hopefully I get rid of the guilt I always feel when I choose not to work OT, especially the guilt I feel when using vacation time. I donāt know why I feel so much guilt but Iād love to stop feeling it.
Iāve had a stability emotionally, that I donāt remember ever having. So far since running LBH I havenāt over indulged in snacks. I havenāt gone out and bought junk or over ate. All the times Iāve gone to comfort eating, PMO or shopping to fill a voidā¦I havenāt felt that anxious need all week. Thatās gotta be LBH
Tonight will be the real test when I go get groceries, to see if I get impulsive and ātreat myselfā (code for justify unhealthy choices/actions)
The twice a week schedule this week yielded much less reconciliation symptoms. I havenāt much noticed the healing frustration from DR Stage 2 this week, itās been much quieter in my mind, inner peace increasing while mental and emotional distress is decreasing.
I kind of miss feeling the angst in just that I knew I was processing. Lately I just feel calm, almost too calmā¦makes me think detached when I kind of want to be more of an observer in my process. Like Iāve been removed from my own home(mind) in a sense and my stacks saying āIāve got thisāā¦points to my uneasiness in relinquishing control, my struggle with control issues.
One problem at a time.
Iāve only ran my custom once, maybe I should try twice this coming week? Kinda lost on how to set up my listening pattern now since things have changed.
I did last week,
Sun - Custom
Monday - DR 2/LBH
Thursday - DR 2/LBH
Do I try Sun/Weds - Custom and Mon/Fri - DR 2/LBH
Or just add custom to thurs. Idk, maybe I wonāt change anything. ā¦things went well this week.
Listening, day 7
Ran 1 loop of my Patagon custom + Experimental Flac Ascension chamber.
That makes 2 loops in total now, Ascension chamber I havenāt listened to in awhile, figured it might give me a boost as I havenāt noticed much except maybe Paragon sleep core manifested me talking to my buddy who happened to mention he was selling a king size bed/mattress.
But of course I am gonna pass, I donāt want the hassle of getting rid of mine and bringing in another. Seems like a dumb reason not to spend $450 on an upgraded sleep experience but I think my guts just saying nah.
ā¦
Aside from that, I went grocery shopping last night per post above and did not buy any junk, no food to acquiesce coping needs. Though as it got closer to the stores closing hour, I felt a sense of fear and thought if I leave now and speed I could make it. Funny how that fear of missing out hits you when the whole time earlier I was solid in my choice not to indulge.
I think LBH is filling the void that I was using P/MO and food to fill. Along with healing emotions that caused a need for suppression and escapism.
I do feel much more balanced since I started it as stage 2 of DR was really hitting me hard with the past, LBH softens it. I havenāt experienced much reconciliation side effects so I think depending on tomorrow I might run M/W/F to see if it goes well still.
ā¦
Had a nice phone call and text conversation with a female friend in another state last night. I didnāt realize how much contact I donāt have with others until the night ended. It was a good conversation too, mutual exchange and I didnāt feel drained for once, as most ppl just take when interacting.
I also noticed while shopping last night quite a few ppl looked at me deeply, wide eyed and some after looking, could not seem to look at me again if I was looking at them, they avoided looking at me again.
I couldnāt tell the perception. They werenāt smiling, not scowling either. It was almost like they were surprised and intrigued at once, then almost ashamed or nervous to lock eyes with me again after breaking visual contact. Iām guessing LBH, but I donāt feel warm and friendly at all. I feel straight up neutral 
, total emotional balance as an expression. I feel in the middle when I look at others, almost blank.
So idk, interesting seeing that.
How does one escape FOMO(Fear Of Missing Out)?
I bought from this taco place on uber eats tonight. Not because of a craving or emotionally driven desire for comfortā¦but simply because of a 40% off offer that expired today.
So I spent $35 to save $13.xx. lol, I mean how can I let myself be manipulated like this. I clearly understand the theme.
What is it within me that keeps finding reasons to act in my own disinterest?
ā¦Iā¦
Is it living in the end times. Seeing how the economy is being purposely driven into the ground. Is it thinking that things that are available now wonāt be in the future. Am I choosing to give in to impulse now because I wonāt be allowed the level of freedom I have now, in the future when peopleās freedom will be restricted by the new system being developed.
I donāt know, but it all seems driven by a central theme which is fear.
Fear of missing out
Fear of lack
Fear of rejection
Fear of judgment
Fear of accountability
Fear of failure
Fear of losing (what I have)
So what can I do to gain control over fear in my life.
Itās being beat into us daily from within our environment and I know itās not just me, but itās affecting everything in my life. Iām starting to see just how pervasive Fear is in my life.
So far, no matter what I try to do to get around an obstacle, another seems to take its place. My justications get in my way. What do I need to develop within myself to circumvent this?
Discipline comes and goes just like motivation. Habit building is good for Discipline, just like doing a few reps of an exercise each day just to keep consistency.
So what can one do to combat fear each and everyday? Increase awareness and check on my thoughts more to catch when Fear is trying to influence?
What sub, if any deals with the Fear aspect the best? Sanguine? Limit destroyer?
Or is a lack of masculinity the central point of which allows Fear to live within a man? And drive his actions/lack of actionsā¦
I donāt walk around cowering in Fear, its not like that. Itās that the fear takes control of my decisions or lack thereof in a lot of my daily life.
Employment
Love life
Social life
Food choice
Spending habits
How I sleep
How I spend my free time
Itās everywhere.
How do you get a grip on the influence of Fear. And how do I take back control of my life and itās direction.
The opposite of fear is knowledge and understanding - according to psychology today.
Faith, peace, and confidence are the opposite of fear - according to Christianity today.
The opposite of fear is safety. The opposite of feeling to being scared is feeling secure. Safe to be real. - according to a response from Quora.
What is the opposite of fear?
Courage: bravery
Assurance: audacity
Faith: fortitude
Fearlessness: confidence - according to word hippo.
āThe opposite of fear is hope, defined as the expectation of good fortune not only for ourselves but for a group to which we belong. Fear feeds anxiety and produces anger; hope, particularly in a political sense, breeds optimism and feelings of well-being. Fear is about limits; hope is about growth." - Jon Meacham, The Soul of America: The Battle for Our Better Angels.
ā¦
So many definitions. I like the one stating Fear is opposite of Safety it strikes a chord with me.
My childhood was full of fear, my adolescence was full of bad coping mechanisms due to fear and my life now is full of fear which is limiting my life.
I have been searching for safety all this time. Since a child really, itās never really stopped. I wonāt let myself do things or have things out of fear Iāll lose something, anything.
I was molested and abused at age 1ish to almost 3 by state sanctioned ābabysittersā. I was corrupted and I didnāt know up from down. My mother flipped and began criticizing, chastising and correcting all the things she āsaw in meā. Do you know what itās like for a child growing up who has no identity yet is trying to form one while being verbally accosted and made to feel like their very being is āwrongā?? Constantly/daily being attacked for behaving what I thought was normal? I had no ability to reason nor did I have a self concept at ages 3 to 6. Age 7 is when you develop the ability to discern right and wrong. I was under so much stress, constantly yelling back and in defense mode damn near 24/7. No wonder I have a disorganized attachment style. How can you rely on a mother like that for love and safety when a switch flips and they lash out at you then try to be a āmomā later.
Yeahā¦I was messed up(still am).
I wonder how I developed OCD at age 8(when diagnosed)ā¦I became obsessive and irrational and neurotic trying to quell the extreme anxiety within me.
When I found alcohol and drugs took away(temporarily, only to make worse later) my anxiety and pain, I began a detrimental habit that led my life into chaos when all I actually wanted was reliefā¦
Never had a healthy relationship with a female. Male mother need issues. No sense of masculinity whatsoever when you had zero male influence in your life.
Couldnāt hang out with people without being under the influence of something.
Once sober and on this journey, I became passionate about self improvement and here I am still, working on it. But Fearā¦itās always been here. I donāt hang out, I donāt go on vacations, I donāt travel, I stopped dating. I stay with my job, all out of Fear.
Fear of consequences. I think Iām even afraid of success and even have fear of being accepted.
I donāt think Iāve ever shown my true self to others. Maybe I donāt even have an identity to identify with?
I hide my passions, interests when talking to ppl. I wonāt dare open up to others. I try to focus on others in conversation yet get frustrated when it feels one sided.
What a messā¦I spent my adolescence in therapy, my teens as well. Even drug counseling in my late twenties per court order and not much ever came of it. Ppl donāt really care, thatās why you have to pay themā¦lol.
I need to remove fear, thatās the point. Thatās the goal. I suppose DR/LBH are working on thisā¦never thought Iād post about my childhood but I must need to write it out.
Looking back on my life, Iāve never felt wantedā¦by anyone.
I donāt know my dad, nor does my mom remember anything about him even though she had two kids with him. About to be 38 and I still wish to meet my dad.
ā¦
My whole life Iāve never felt like I fit in with this world.
Iām not suicidal but Iāve always had more hope in leaving this place than staying. Hoping that my real life is somewhere else.
All Iāve known my whole damn life is Painā¦and Fear.
But I keep moving forward trying to do right and make up for my mistakes. I want to forgive as much as I can. I want to let go as much as I can. I want as much peace as I can get.
I want to remove fear. If I died tomorrow, Iām sure it would bring such relief but Iād never take my own life, thatās murder and itās a sin. We all know where those who do, go.
Truth, Peace and Freedom seem to be what drives me most in this life. But Fear is a constant impediment. I guess tackling fear is the goal now. If anyone has any adive(who reads this) on taking action against fearā¦Iām all ears.
I assume facing it is an obvious one, similar to exposure therapy I had with ocd. But Iām not fully clear and how that would look like in everyday life. The steps to take ect.
I was going to run DR Stage 2 and LBH today, Wed and Friā¦however Iāve had an increase in anxiousness, fidgety/compulsive touching(random things at work, repetitive actions) when my anxiety level gets too high and general uncomfortableness this morning. Most likely pertaining to the above posts and me clearly processing.
I got home and did a decent workout, got some nervous energy out. Itās good to stay consistent.
So I think Iām going to not give in. Not to the fear of missing out by running my stack today. I think my new normal will beā¦
Sunday - Paragon custom + Asc chamber.
Tuesday - LBH + DR Stage 2
Thursday - LBH + DR Stage 2
Saint is right, less really is more with ZP. I can see that more is happening with me this cycle than the one before where I was in reconciliation literally the whole time and had to take a 6 day washout before starting this 2nd cycle.
Part of growing is paying attention, accepting reality in some ways and challenging it in others. Building the wisdom to know when to change and when to hold strong.
I think questioning myself before doing things is great(if i can actually put this into consistent practice), but what do you do when you logically know the right thing but emotionally you get over powered and end up exactly where you knew you didnāt want to be.
You are doing excellent, my friend. This journey is even better than therapy as you let the subliminals release your past traumas and your writing about them buries them six feet under. You are doing great.
As far as any advice is concerned, you might have heard this one:
Feel the fear and do it anyway
So the opposite of fear is also ādoing it anywayā.
Some (Uber Eats) food for thought lovingly delivered to you all the way from where I am lol.
DR Stage 2, cycle 2
Listening, day 9
LBH + DR Stage 2
Stopped at the grocery store after work, as I was grabbing a basket I hear Hey, didnāt think it was for me but then Hey again, so I look and itās my exgf and her dad.
I somehow was cheerful and energetic, talking to her dad for a few minutes. I looked at my exgf once or twice but didnāt not engage with her at all.
Idk, I think LBH really helped me there. I looked happy and lively. Not that I was angry or upset seeing her, but the vibe coming off me said āIām okay, Iām doing greatā and I guess I just had good frame.
Thinking about the interaction now, All I can say is that I just donāt find her behavior towards me back in June when we last talked wasnāt very good. And if she ever tried to reach out, I feel the only reason to respond would be to let her know my thoughts on her character and choices in regards to our end. So no real hard feelings, I hope sheās happy. I just donāt want shitty, inconsiderate people in my life anymore, regardless of their reasons for why they did what they did.
ā¦
I find myself desiring forgiveness, desiring to forgive everyone I can as memories come up and thoughts of people Iāve known. Not so much trying to find forgiveness from othersā¦no. Just me wanting to forgive and let go for my own well being and purity of Spirit.
At the same time I am feeling irritated watching people have such disregard to responsibility. At work seeing people loiter, slack off, not pick up after themselves, abuse privileges ect.
Seeing people out and about acting poorly, being unkind, littering, avoiding taking ownership ect.
Iām trying to detach from the situation and just focus on ābeing the change I wish to see in the worldā. I am striving to focus on only what I can control and cultivate a strong sense of accountability, of responsibility. Extreme ownership.
Seeing others and just accepting that they are on their own journey and may not be ready to level up or mature yet. Accepting that some may never take ownership of themselves and their actions.
ā¦
Worked out the last two mornings. Consistency waned for about 2 or 3 days last week but Iāve been working hard to do at least something every day and itās been working. Itās starting to feel wrong if I come home and donāt take action.
Iāve definitely added maybe 3 to 5lbs of muscle overall since I started but the slight bulk really made me realize that I need to cut, about 10 to 15lbs of weight.
Iām seeing things I need to take action on more clearly this week. I plan on making step by step actionable plans soon. Plans that I will actually follow and stay accountable to. Just acknowledging I need to do A, B or C isnāt cutting it anymore. I canāt rely on myself to do the right things on autopilot anymore, it doesnāt workā¦it never did.