Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Journals - Major Programs
#182

DR Stage 2, cycle 2

Rest, day 10

Just a quick note. I’ve had two migraines in the past 2 weeks or less. I’m not sure what’s causing it. Could be some effect from my health custom causing detox? Poor food choice from the bouts of impulsive eating out.

I haven’t had such a consecutive streak in years so I’ve taken notice. Last night’s migraine was pretty rough.

…

Anyways, I can’t tell if I’m experiencing subtle reconciliation today or just recovering from the migraine but I woke up an hour ago and I just don’t have much of a sense. I feel mentally slow, lacking awareness of myself, my state and thoughts.

There is either not much on my mind or I’m in processing where everything feels blank before the completion.

…

On a side note, I think Health Codex might be shining this week. I’ve been learning about health again in small ways, Also ordered some African bitters to help improve my digestion(one of my modules as well) I’ve also been feeling a little more resolve against eating/buying food that I Know gives me trouble.

Aps: Head - I’ve read that ppl have said their headaches/migraines have stopped. I have this and paragon in my custom and so far two. I’m wondering if I’m getting them as a side effect of being dealt with? Or could it be unrelated. - probably a support ticket but I rarely get an helpful response or at least not a detailed enough response to warrant sending one. So idk, I’ll just wait and see.

Hopefully tonight goes well, I’d like to stop feeling so physically down.

3 Likes
#183

I just heard of dunking your face into a bowl of ice water. Something with the Diver’s Reflex, it’s said to help anxiety and migraines.

1 Like
#184

DR Stage 2, cycle 2

Listening, day 11

This morning I was too tired to play my loops, that never happens…so I played them tonight when I got to work.

Gotta be honest, I’ve been feeling overly tired the past two days and kinda foggy, blank minded. Only listened to my stack twice this week.

I bet paragon sleep is taking affect because the way I sleep reminds me of when I ran regeneration which I think had deep sleep scripting. I wake up wanting to go to back to sleep, I sleep deeper and when I do get up, I’m okay. I’m not groggy or tired hungover.

I can’t really tell much else, time feels surreal. Dreamlike, I don’t feel super present but halfway detached. Less grounded. I don’t mind it but I’m lacking focused attention. We’ll see how long it lasts. I don’t feel like it’s recon, it’s less negative…but I guess it could still be.

Things in my just don’t have that air importance like they used to. Like nothing is so pressing I have to go, go, go. I think I just need a break…from work and resonsibility. This weekend should be nice. I plan on just sitting on my couch or laying on the floor for an hour or two with nothing on, just silence…trying to reset mentally.

…

Edit: Why do I feel so spaced out. You know when you end up staring at a spot visually but you zone out for awhile only to realize you’ve been staring at something, looking awkward? It’s been like this since yesterday, after that migraine. Functionally I’m fine, but I’m just way too spaced out. Way too distracted, preoccupied but without emotion.

3 Likes
#185

DR Stage 2, cycle 2

Rest, day 14

I feel like I’m just going in a circle. This weekends just been more of the same bullshit I’ve dealt with this whole time. I’m aggravated with myself and my weakness that just won’t quit.

I dropped $4k on a zero turn mower yesterday and put $6k on my student loans. While I don’t support student loan forgiveness, I’d be a fool not to accept it so I guess that makes me a hippicrit. Now that I’m down to $10k in savings I’m full of insecurity and Fear…there’s that word again.

Been doubting my decisions, second guessing myself and been comfort eating and even indulged in porn tonight…why? Because I’m weak and apparently have no coping skills. Seriously, how do I stop succumbing to these behaviors? What’s the action needed that I have to take?

I can’t stress how fed up I feel. I’m so anxious about my body, I’m literally sabotaging myself on the daily…all I think about is buying emporer fitness and fasting for two weeks. But at the same time my minds telling me “I just don’t care anymore” where is this coming from?

Is anything actually changing in my life? My minds a blank…a blur. I’m so tired yet haven’t slept well since the weekend start. Too much mental fear and anxiety…

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I feel shaken up to the point I’ve lost direction and I’m just failing daily. I really am.

I’m disappointed :disappointed: I’m a failure as a father, a friend, a son and a man. I’m not a good person and delude myself daily so I don’t lose my mind at the reality of my life. What the f is wrong with me.

I really hate pretty much everything about myself and my life. My house is just a series of bad memories and reminders of failure. My job is such a negative place I’m surprised I haven’t had a breakdown. The state I live in is full of ppl whose culture does not mesh with me nor do I really fit in and I have no real connection to anyone.

I thought LBH was supposed to elevate me not make me feel like gum on the bottom of a shoe…I’m beyond dissatisfied with life and I just look forward to it ending.

(This is not a pity party post, I’m just expressing the reflection of my inner state tonight) however toxic it may be, it should be documented.

4 Likes
#186

Is it correct to assume that the more reconciliation one experiences the more issues/problems one has?

Can I safely accept that since I seem to experience hella recon on DR that it indicates I’m quite toxic inside? Is that fair

2 Likes
#187

It is semantic but the general consensus seems to be that the further you’re from the ideal of a sub you use, the more recon you’d have. Some also say that the more recon you have, the more the sub is trying to work on you, it shows the sub is working.

Just like sports, when it comes to training, a person who has no experience with one sport is different from someone who played it before, let along someone who plays it his lifetime.

Don’t be disheartened, take your time, have more rest days, eat well, rest well, and if you feel like it go back to the basic.

2 Likes
#188

Not necessarily. It just means there are obstacles in the way that need dealing with one by one before your ideal self can flourish.

I would also argue that you don’t have “issues”, so much as having life lessons to learn. Being a father to a child is a great life lesson but don’t forget to nurture the big child within you too.

3 Likes
#189

Forgot to run my paragon custom this morning, not surprised as I was in a messed up mood. I tear myself apart when I make mistakes…repetitive mistakes.

So running 1 loop of custom now + asc chamber.

Tomorrow will be the two main titles. Then I think I’ll start washout early instead of last listening day weds. 6 day washout.

I’ve been feeling the urge to go to stage 3 of DR instead of a 3rd cycle of stage 2 as was planned. I’m wanting to just do 2, then 2 of 3 then run stage 4 longer.

Is this due to avoiding something? Reconciliation or is it a practical and reasonable adaptation? My first thought is I’m screwing around, I made a plan…3 cycles each.

I think LBH + stage 2 is putting things I don’t want to deal with, in my face. Of course I have no conscious awareness of the issues/lessons but since reading my post above again, it seems the healing really spurs my need for coping behaviors. I hate myself for engaging, it’s such a waste of time, money and effort and I end up feeling weak and full of regret.

I think if I went to stage 3 after washout, I’d regret it.

I can be too rigid and uncompromising towards myself, maybe that’s where all this lapse in discipline comes from. I’m rebelling from myself? Sabotaging my own progress…but why.

Didn’t think I’d experience a harsh hit of recon running twice a week but damn, here I am. This urge to change things up, desire for Emperor fitness, coping behaviors and obvious harsh self criticism :pensive: this morning makes it obvious now.

Yeah, one more listening day and I’m washing out.

Edit: After listening to Ascension Chamber following custom, I feel noticeably more tired. I wonder if this 1 loop per week is why I was so tired all last week. Or is it just asc chamber? I didn’t feel tired after the custom, just after asc. I guess I need to drop asc again. It must overcharge the physical shifting modules.

And I thought paragon sleep was just affecting me, interesting. I will say I took a sleeping pill the other night, granted it was at night(my awake time) but it did not have the effect it usually had. I slept maybe 6 hours and woke up in between. Usually I’m out for 10+ hours and wake up hungover. Does paragon sleep nullify sleep aids? I noticed if I take anything for sleep since running custom…they don’t have much effect or even counter my sleep experience. Just an ongoing theory…

1 Like
#190

DR Stage 2, cycle 2

Listening, day 15

1 loop LBH + I loop DR Stage 2

Woke up tonight with a bad headache/borderline migraine. I texted my boss to see is vacation was open to use tonight and of course he replies with a guilt trip line but says I can take off.

What do I do? I compromise and say I’m going into work but if I feel worse, I’ll leave half way through.

Am I just a pushover, a great employee or someone who has no love for himself or just full of fear? I can’t really tell why I decided to work when I feel shitty.

…

Not sure if running the subs caused the headache or what but this is 3rd nasty one in a month, a pattern is developing and I don’t like it.

I’m back to feeling hazy in my mind, less focused and alert, more surreal like. Could be the headache slowing impeding my brain or the subs.

Early washout for sure. 6 days to process.

I have this irritated feeling when thinking about a 3rd cycle of lbh/Stage 2. Some part of me is not liking it…so I should run a 3rd cycle for sure then right?

2 Likes
#191

That’s how I take it.

I’m on sanguine right now and been wanting to jump ship with it but I decided that means I better do 1 more cycle just to be sure.

lbh seems to be a set it and forget it title for me that I plan on running indefinitely.

I’m on Stage 4 of the Dragon and I know it’s best for me to stick with my stack for one more cycle for sure before going for another major.

1 Like
#192

I try to pay attention to y mindset toward things ad after reading so often about urges to slow, stop or switch subs. I’ve come to the conclusion when wanting to stop, you should do the opposite.

It’s such a powerful feeling one gets when wanting to skip or stop. Stage 2 has been getting on my nerves and I think deep down, continuing is the right choice.

Glad to hear it’s the same for you, refusing to take the easy way is what gets results right. Even if it sucks in the moment.

How does sanguine make you feel? I thought about it, but LBH is what I went with.

#193

That’s the thing. I think I’ve gotten recon with sanguine instead of the feel goods. I think it’s all one big healing package and so it wasn’t the instant feel good that I anticipated.

1 Like
#194

That’s how LBH with me. I don’t feel happy, warm or loving like most feedback. Definitely a full healing kick. I’m right there with ya :sweat_smile:

#195

Washout

I’m overly tired this morning, it’s quarter to 4am and I just can’t wait to hit the rack. My custom is starting to become draining, I knew it’d happen sooner or later.

I haven’t noticed anything much other than the lack of soreness of tension I used to feel, it’s less intense now. Harmonic Singularity i believe.

Nothing else really stands out, I guess all in due time.

I’ve missed a couple days of kb swings/body work since the weekend. I needed some downtime but I gotta keep pushing or I’ll lose what habit I’ve built. Stay consistent

#196

I’ve left work early the past 2 days. I’m on overtime, so as long I get 8 hours, it’s no issue. But still, I’m not the one to leave early. 11 hrs Tues, 10 hrs today. I wonder why I’m doing this…

It seems I’ve been feeling the desire to work wane. I don’t have much to do outside of work so it’s not a press for time issue. A lot of things just don’t seem as important and I guess I’m valuing myself or my time much more.

I’ve been in a quiet mood at work, quite reserved but quickly open to coworkers who engage. Mood is positive. It feels like LBH is shining through, still trying to catch all the subtle changes. I felt compassion these few days. An increase in understanding and patience is blooming. Phone conversations are more pleasant and when things don’t go my way or happen right, I almost have no reaction, I just do what I can and move forward.

It’s a nice change from the old highly volatile me who’d stress out over anything.

I also spent some money on a bunch of personal care items off etsy, from creative individuals. It’s unlike me to shop for things for myself. I think health Codex and LBH are changing my direction from external, to internal. It’s like I’ve started investing in myself all of a sudden.

I’m thinking about taking this Friday off(no real reason to), let’s see if I do and more importantly if I feel guilty about it.

3 Likes
#197

I’m surprised by my level of patience, I handled coworkers dogging me, throwing jokes with the utmost peace. I talked to a female friend through her anxiousness and felt totally unattached and unaffected. She even was rude yesterday and I thought about just dropping her but I simply stopped talking to her that night and felt compassion for her after thinking and emphathizing with her struggles.

This is all LBH. I’m impressed with the compassionate peace within me. The masculine stability of DR is blooming too. I feel such a stable, quiet strength but it’s still developing.

…

However today, I put in my vacation request for tonight off…well my boss comes up to me 15 mins before end of shift. Saying he needs me to work so my vacation is canceled. And that “we’re working saturday” as in telling, not asking … aka mandatory.

So…this is what happens when I choose to take a night off? I am rewarded with 2 days of work.

I definitely need assertiveness training, I didn’t question it or defend my request. Wether I wanted to or not isn’t the point. The point is I lack a backbone for going after what I want and/or defending my position.

I don’t know know how to feel about this. I should be grateful that I’m such an asset and blessed to be working when there’s so many ppl hurting and homeless in this country…but at the same time everything in moderation, balance and if I’m being honest…I definitely lack a work/life balance.

6 Likes
#198

Glad to see the positive changes happening slowly but surely. Genuine compassion is a great gift. It is a reward by itself but will also reward you in your interactions with others.

All good things will come to you in due time.

3 Likes
#199

Finally mowed my yard today with my new zero turn, silly I know but it’s been 2 weeks since I bought it. Cut my time down by 1.5 hours.

Feeling accomplished…and tired from not sleeping well after getting home from work this morning.

Speaking of accomplished…I think the Masculinity scripting in DR has helped me to take action on things I’ve been avoiding and putting off for many reasons.

I set appointments with a plumber and an electrician. Things I’ve put off for over a year.

I’m walking around this week with great, solid posture and mostly feeling good about myself. I’m still working out but my weight has stayed the same. I have no room in my stack to change anything nor do I want to, things are looking up finally. But physically improving has been a nagging voice in my mind. I guess that’ll be the ongoing goal as I progress through time.

…

Recognizing fear in my life has been what my minds working on this week. Looking back and seeing how fear has kept me from finishing a lot of things.

I’ve attended 7 different colleges in my twenties to now, never finished anything. I’ve realized that I’d rather just work in trades and that traditional school isn’t for me. Regardless of that reasoning, fear definitely played it’s part as to why I never completed any program.

I joined the Marine Corps out of H.S., 3 weeks in I changed my mind, 7 weeks later in total, I’m on my way home. Fear of taking responsibility. I was unprepared and let myself be pushed into shipping off early with no real guidance. Nor did having zero masculinity or frame help me in boot camp. My reasons for joining were not strong enough nor did I really have a good “why”. I don’t think I wanted to join, I think I joined because I thought I thought others would approve. Fear got the best of me.

3 long term relationships with women from early twenties to now. All failed due to my own life traumas, zero masculinity and fear. Inability to communicate my wants/needs, covert contracts, manipulation and neediness. Interpersonal dynamics dysfunction. Fear of being a leader and protector…I couldn’t even protect myself/stand up for anything and they saw it.

The major goal here is to literally build a masculine foundation/frame as I’ve never had one. The fear that exists from not having a foundation just wrecks your life. I’ve pissed away 15 to 20 years of my life being a reckless fool and then a bitter recluse because of fear and a lack of foundation. I’d be lying if I didn’t feel major resentment…I do, but dwelling in it is not productive so before it gets to that point, I’m going to use it to fuel positive habits and take action towards being better.

Hope is not lost. And I am not done.

1 Like
#200

LBH…

Since adding to stage 2 of DR, I’ve calmed down.

The anxious, quick to respond, neurotic behavior has almost disappeared. I feel an uplift in mood when I’m around friendly people as if I want to open up automatically. It used to be the opposite, I’d put up a wall and immediately look for an exit out of an interaction as soon as I could.

I tend to steer towards the positive of things, when ppl complain or vent, I usually point out how good they have it or things they should be happy about. I have situations that happen to me and it literally almost doesn’t phase me. The mechanism in us that facilitates getting upset is deactivated on LBH I swear…or I’ve just become way less volatile. I don’t react much anymore, I respond…this in itself is priceless for me.

When I see others out and about, it’s no longer nit picky, fear based, bitter attitudes…I feel compassion, patience and positivity within me and usually my behaviors towards others is nothing but kind.

The patience and sense of compassion really get me. Who knew I could go from an angry, bitter, pessimistic cynic who held such great aversion towards humanity(because of all the hurt and pain I’ve experienced) and turn into…

A warm, cheerful, friendly, patient and compassionate person who works daily to embody The Lord’s Commandments and be of service to any who needs it while maintaining a mindset of appreciation and gratitude, focusing on the positive side of anything and everyone.

There is just a bunch of sunshine inside me and it’s growing everyday. LBH + Dragon Reborn is a great combo and I’m glad I finally gave in.

I’m scared to eventually stop running LBH, I don’t want to stop being the guy I am now.

2 Likes
#201

DR Stage 2, cycle 3

I thought about moving to stage 3 all week. I came to the conclusion that I was trying to run, from something. So here I am persevering, 3 cycle per stage as I started out to do. It’s too easy to lose momentum and talk yourself out of…or into something else.

Discipline = Freedom - Jocko Willink.

…

Ran custom Saturday,

Monday(today) LBH + St. 2

Last cycle I ran T and TH.

This cycle I’m really feeling running M/W/F with custom on sat. If I get overloaded, I’ll revert back. But I keep getting this mental hunger effect…like I’m ready for more which is new. So I’m rolling with it.

…

Slept well today, had a cbd gummy this morning and I love the relaxed state it puts me in. I’ve been craving peace and relaxation.

Being at work is becoming quite draining, management is getting bad, coworkers stressed out and frustrated and a lot of our equipment is barely working right. It’s becoming a fight just to do our jobs. I try to just stay focused and avoid the drama. But I’ve been working less hours and am feeling an aversion growing. I need to redirect my mindset and get back to gratitude and acceptance so I don’t end up sabotaging myself out of emotional frustration.

Outside of work, I’m pretty good. Getting things done, exercising, really enjoying my time, even if I’m literally sitting in silence.

4 Likes