Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

[Geoff]

DR Stage 2, cycle 3

Listening, day 3

1 loop LBH + ST2

Been a weird week so far, losing drive at work for sure. I’m either burnt out or a profound change is taking place within me. Something like my values are shifting, less about the world and it’s needs and more about me and my life.

I’ve had this reoccurring thought of “I need to get a life” consistently the past few days. It’s funny because I’ve spent the last 10 years recoiling from life, shrinking and minimizing my world in an effort to protect and preserve myself. Removing as much erroneous responsibility and burdens, trying to make my life easier to manage albeit at the cost of fulfillment.

Seems my journey thus far is removing that fear based reclusive living program I’ve been running for so long and now trying to reignite that “spark” of life I lost in High school.

I used to be so high on life in High School, people thought I was on drugs, no joke. Of course after being bullied and expelled sophomore year, I lost that spark and have been dead inside ever since…

Though I feel things…small glimpses, moments, feelings of that old, old me…the true inner child, that pure Spirit…I think with time, I might get back to that state.

If I could sum up this week’s state, I’d say I’m on the cusp of transition…into a higher level, or a more pure, filtered version of myself…being refined until I’m back to my true self…without the fear, pain, insecurity, doubt, emotional damage ect.

I’m in a low period, motivation, vigor and enthusiasm are not great but I’m not in a negative mood at all, more just drained and mentally lethargic. A lot must be happening…I get these weird and uncomfortable memories and random thoughts and I wonder where tf did that come from or why the hell would I be thinking about that. I keep waking up unnecessarily aroused too which means whatever I’m dreaming(if at all) is sexual so all I can assume is, lots of reconciliation and healing is taking place.

Lost in translation while maintaining a positive but tired mindset. Excited to follow the progression.

[Geoff]

DR Stage 2, cycle 3

Rest, day 4

I woke up under the weather, as if I’m getting sick. I haven’t been sick in 2 years. Never got that covid b.s. either.

I feel like I’ve hit a wall and glad I took tonight off work. The good news is, in no way do I feel any guilt for doing so. So that’s huge.

My dumbass got chicken wings for dinner and I’m already regretting it so now I’m making herbal tea. Got some citrus to juice for the rest of the weekend. I guess it’s going to be mandatory R&R after I tidy up/catch up on the few chores I have to get done.

I hope I’m back to 100% by Sunday.

…

So far subliminal wise I’m good, nothing too overwhelming and I’ll have my 3rd loops for the week tomorrow (fri)

I planned on getting out my laptop this weekend and just typing randomly on Word until I empty my mind.

But feeling like crap is postponing this, but it’s a goal for sure. I think being almost half way through DR that this would really benefit me. Reorganizing my mind, processing fragments of memories ect. Like running Disk Defrag on my laptop but for me.

That’s all for now

[ABC333]

That’s pretty common. I wasn’t happy in High School. And after high school people would tell me they used to be happy etc. Same kind of thing, other people sort of beat it out of them.

I got into self development/spirituality, releasing/letting go and I got to the high on life stage at one point myself. It was amazing and I wanted to share it with people but I felt like there were many people who wanted to make me into the enemy. I have my moments but I’m still recovering from a lot of things myself. I’ve been in a hurry to get it done with but now I’m thinking I may just go at least 6 cycles on stage 4 because it does get better.

[Geoff]

DR Stage 2, cycle 3

Listening, day 5

Ran my loops, definite woke up sick. Then I check my online banking and see my debits cards compromised, 2 fraudulent charges. I can’t describe how sick I am of this shit. I just dealt with my credit card having a charge a few months ago and now this.

This weekend is not going well at all. I’m starting to feel like I’m being punished or something by the universe.

Slept 3 hours too. I know life is chaotic and fluid but damn…

Feeling like I could use some luck.

[ABC333]

I had that bad luck experience on stage 4 for the first cycle. So it’s a bonus that you’re getting it out of the way now! But of course I won’t say it was the subliminal but it is just a potential side effect of how my unconscious responded to the programming. Sometimes it’s like clearing a pipe, there may be muck or clogs in there and so you just need to blast it out so it’s pure flow coming through again.

[Geoff]

DR Stage 2, cycle 3

Listening, day 8

After my 3 day weekend of literally being in bed from a cold I got back to work. Still under the weather but at least my energy is coming back and I can work. I’ll be honest, a lot of frustrating obstacles and issues have appeared this month.

Ordered chicken wings for myself and coworkers last Tuesday. First delivery I get someone else’s order. 2nd delivery never showed, door dasher just went silent and kept my order. 3rd delivery never got picked up, restaurant closed before guy got there. I am still waiting for a refund.

Last Friday, Logged into my bank to see debit card was compromised and unauthorized charges. Still waiting for the bank to fix this.

I still don’t have hot water after plumber serviced water heater. The manager there is giving me the run around I feel like. Shit just isn’t happening and I’m tired of it.

Electrician rescheduled after spazzing out on me this morning over perception of a text message. Now I’m stuck waiting until October.

A friend of mine said all this is due to “mercury being in retrograde” basically nothing is going to go right for another 10 days. I don’t know astrology but my life sure is not going smoothly.

…

As far as subs, I’ve had some recon the past 24hrs. Sadness, F’d up thoughts, memories of old relationships, feeling really low and even though I still have patience from LBH…I don’t feel any positivity lately. I guess I’m healing through stuff.

I always like September as my birthday is on the 27th but so far this month sucks and I’m honestly looking forward to October so things can go back to being smooth.

Every day feels like an idiotic uphill battle.

Still running MWF loops with custom on sat night/sun early am.

[Geoff]

DR Stage 2, cycle 3

Listening, day 10

LBH + DR St. 2

Been feeling like an existential crisis internally. Must be reconciliation. Seems 3 days a week is too much. As last cycle two days a week was alright.

Lots of unpleasant memories. Reliving moments, feeling how I did in those scenarios of the past.

Reliving my most painful relationship and it’s end.
Reliving being arrested and going to jail.
Reliving my childhood and the emotional torment.
Reliving a lot of failures and losses.
Reliving realizations of just how lost and ignorantly toxic I was.
Reliving getting expelled from High School.
Facing a lot of moments where I failed to take action, quit or made the wrong decision.

I honestly feel like my whole life has been a waste of time, objectively speaking I regret choosing to be born. This was a mistake and The Lord knows it.

Im so averse to experiencing any more pain in my life that I’ve stopped living. I just work and be by myself and don’t do anything because it’s all never worked out. The fear of being burned again by another person keeps me from trying. Life is truly empty in an earthly sense.

I’ve been in a irritated and frustrated mood internally. I know it’s recon and I know more healing is taking place.

It’s just how objectively clear looking back has hit me. It’s hard to remember much of anything that was good and decent in my life. I’m sure things started out good but eventually rotted away.

Idk, sometimes I think I’m so messed up that a bright and happy future will always escape me. I’ve got to get rid of this pain so that the fear becomes irrelevant due to having no pain to justify it…because I’m stuck until I do.

I use these memories as justification to stop living and trying for more…

It’s been a rough day facing and feeling my life’s time-line. Very unpleasant for sure.

[Geoff]

DR Stage 2, cycle 3

Rest, day 11

Acceptance of the truths of my life. It’s helped relieve some pain that I was holding onto. Pain, bad things, hurt, negativity will always exist and I know that but I think the path to escape it lies in Acceptance.

I think I struggle fulling embracing the facts because as many times as memories have surfaced, thinking I let them go, some return. Does that mean those are deeper wounds that need more time? Or am I failing to accept them?

Reliving the past isn’t fun, for me at least as I have a hard time recalling any positive/warm memories…I can’t even remember having a birthday as a child, the memories either don’t exist in my mind or have been overrun by the negative experiences in my life. I’d like to break away and let go of the darkness so that the good stuff can come up.

Acknowledging how I really feel about things, such as my last post felt freeing. Not trapped by how things sound or look to others.

…

My cold still lingers but I’m pushing 50 hours this week regardless. I wake up with a deep tireness that dissipates after I’m up but returns again the next day. I bet it’s recon related…or just still dealing with a cold. I could sleep 9 hours yet wake up tired…I thought paragon sleep was supposed to deal with this…maybe it is.

I haven’t been able to notice effects in a long while, I’m sure there’s many but I’m at an awareness low and not noticing.

There’s a sense of deep hopeless futility in me that is hard to understand. It’s more objective than emotional. A grand scheme of ultimate surrender, idk…maybe it’ll become more clear soon. Like I’m supposed to stop fighting so hard for an illusion.

Deep processing once again.

[Geoff]

I was thinking about red flags and green flags…watching YouTube, the idea of knowing wether you’re good or bad.

I have this perception that I am a walking red flag. I’m preoccupied with “all the toxicity in me” and I’m starting to wonder if I really am as broken and “bad” as I have come to view myself.

How does a person even come to the conclusion that they are what’s wrong? Being the common denominator in a series of scenarios? External feedback from others who probably are not even qualified to pass judgment?

I look back on my life and it’s full of bad experiences and I have just assumed that I’m the problem. Granted I’m not innocent but the overarching belief that I’m a walking red flag just seems…dumb. I’ve carried such low self esteem for decades due to constant rejection from this world.

I can’t remember who said it but "to be well adjusted to a sick society is no measure of health" seems really important in this moment.

If I am not close to society and it’s mainstream ideology then does that make me bad? A reject, loser or unlovable?
If I cannot relate to other men and women because I do not share any commonality with their beliefs, forms of fun, entertainment choices or even social behavior…am I the problem? Am I toxic?

Or am I just different…am I evolved beyond the mundane of mainstream societal programming?

I’ve never fit in, my whole life. If I had a dime for everytime I was labeled weird…lol I’d be rich.

Without getting Spiritual, I’ll just say I don’t fit in, never have and never will. So with all the rejection and usury I’ve withstood, it’s not surprising that I’ve accepted the toxic, broken, unlovable label and carried with it the associated burden of shame and insecurity.

I’ve been holding myself prisoner…holding myself back. Now I can choose. I am not without flaws and I don’t claim to be better. But I am not going to carry anymore burdens of imposed labels from the external world.

I owe the world nothing and the world owes me nothing. I should embrace myself and stop trying to please my way into acceptance. Why would I want to fit in with a sick society? With people who think entertainment is what life is all about. Clubs, girls, cars, video games, drinking ect…who gives a fuck about any of this loser shit.

All the times…man, the rage of anger thinking of all the rejection then the disgust at myself for wanting to relate and join with those who had disdain for me.

I’m okay, this world is sick and now that the ultimate darkness is taking over, it’ll be over soon. I’m just grateful to understand why my life has been the way it has been.

I’m not as toxic as I’ve thought, I just don’t fit in. Time to fix my self perception and adjust myself. Looking forward to the light.

[Geoff]

DR Stage 2, cycle 3

Listening, day 12

LBH + St. 2

I’m off work until Tuesday. Feels good, though its supposed to rain pretty much everyday that I am off, and the cold has moved in. I haven’t worked out in…well, long enough that I can’t remember.

What is the solution to being emotionally fragile? I’m way too easily affected. I care too much so I try and isolate and tell myself I don’t care.

Seems like love would be a remedy, starting to feel like LBH is broken in this regard. I’m not getting what I thought I would be. Yeah, patience is a great thing but I still feel empty. Feeling low and sad today. Maybe all the dark stuff is being worked out but it’d be nice to experience what others have. I read the LBH thread and I’m just not getting the popular effects, lol…depressing.

Everything just feels sad and bleak. How can I gain/build emotional resiliency. I’d like to be a guy that is just unaffected…yes, just an impenetrable mind. Words, actions, information just hits me and falls away as if I am wearing armor. So…how does one accomplish this. I’m too soft inside. Not feeling any fight inside, no fire burning. I’m the opposite of what I want, and I try to act the way I’d like to be but all I come off as…is angry. Kinda pathetic, So I guess currently I’m at a loss as to what to do about all this.

[Lion]

Keep running this stack without any expectations while noticing your internal thoughts and feelings. All the above posts are valid so please continue them.

Only after a while it will make sense.

All those nice testimonials on the LBH thread are from people who either did healing before with another title or aren’t running LBH with DR.

Plus I remember that DR ST2 gave me more recon than DR ST1 when I first ran Dragon Reborn. I think you are going through something similar.

[Geoff]

Thanks Lion, I swear some days I feel nuts emotionally. Life feels FUBAR and I’m trying to make it make sense.

Appreciate the support.

[Skadoosh]

@Geoff

I haven’t worked out in…well, long enough that I can’t remember.

Better get on it then, lol.

If you can’t find time to go the gym then do like a circuit of pushups, squats and planks or something. Do you have an injury/are physically incapable?

[Geoff]

Thanks for your comment, it annoyed me enough to manifest some motivation.

I have a Kettlebell I use for swings, clean and presses. Along with an adjustable bench with 20lb and 30lbs dumbbells.

Did some swings tonight, decline chest press and dumbell Flys. Will be running some more KB drills and I like the RKC plank. Being a 3rd shift guy, gyms around me are not 24hrs. So I do what I can.

No reason for not working out, just a lot of clearing of emotional garbage which can get in the way too easily. But I’m getting on it.

Thanks again

[Geoff]

DR Stage 2, cycle 3

Listening, day 15

LBH + St. 2

As I near the end of my last cycle of stage 2, I can say stage 2 is an ass kicker. The sheer amount of emotional reconciliation can be overwhelming. I’ve spent the past 2 weeks in some deep, sad moods. Going over things that were painful to relive. Very uncomfortable cycle.

My cold is just about gone, the last lingering bit is subsiding since I’m off and resting. Was able to do some exercise last night, strength was better than I expected so that was a plus, that I didn’t lose progress

I always seem to get sad around around my birthday, every year same deal. I think I reflect on my life and who I am and see that I’m still unhappy. Things do change, life has improved each year but I’m still unfulfilled and realizing that each year makes me sad.

I’m going to shift this unfortunately overdone cycle into gratitude. I will spend time writing down the achievements I’ve made this year, all the progress…instead of focusing on what didn’t happen.

This would be much healthier.

…

Still struggling to find a solution with my house/shower. It looks like a total shower replacement is required to fix my hot water issue. I’ve had nothing but ineffective solutions or very high quotes $15k+ and my gut feeling says to walk away or wait. So for once I’m listening.

Winter is coming and maybe I’ll just have to buy Spartan and take cold showers all winter lol.

Play it safe, play it smart is the internal message I’m getting. I’m hoping a good option manifests for me. This is not the time to be spending that kind of $ on a shower. I’m feeling more cautious and I thank DR for the cautious and mature stability, in the past I would given in to pressure but I’m growing through the insecurity and fear.

…

I don’t know what to say about LBH. I think it’s responsible for the past weeks of grief and sadness tbh. Not really feeling warmth or love but I think that’ll come later. Lately it’s just been “you need to feel these things” and I’ve been going through it. Emotionally unsettled and generally uncomfortable, but the end is near I can see it. I hope to look back and really see the growth soon.

But you can’t see the forest through the trees and I’m in the forest right now. Only when I finish will I be far enough away to look back with clarity.

Patience and faith…

[Geoff]

Washout

Going to cut my cycle short by 2 days. No real reason why, not feeling overwhelmed just figure 6 days is better than 4 before stage 3.

Been thinking about turning 38 today, how far I’ve come yet how much more there is to come. I’m grateful that even though I’ve had a lot of struggles and difficulties, I’ve been able to take care of myself on my own. I see too many people dependent on others and that scares me. I couldn’t cope if I had to rely on others like that.

I’d like to be more openly authentic going forward. I’d like to be honest with others and say what’s really on my mind, regardless of the subject. To just stop censoring and hiding myself. All I’ve done is hold myself back out of fear. I’ve got to develop a backbone, in many ways. Tell the truth, stay true to myself at my core. Be the real me unapologetically. This is the goal.

Gotta work on self esteem, self love. I’m not beneath others, I don’t need to minimize myself anymore.

[Geoff]

Reconciliation is a weird thing. Seems like I’ve been in perpetual recon when I think I’m not. It’s been 2 days going on 3 on washout and my heads anything but clear. Things are jumbled up and not much makes sense.

So this must mean that I’ve needed much more processing time. What does it indicate when you suddenly overwhelmed and full on a washout?

Part of me wants to just stay on washout until I feel clear, other just wants to move to stage 3 in another 4 days. I think the 3 days a week pattern is too much. Maybe I should drop my physical custom even though it’s once a week. Not really sure what to do but I haven’t felt like myself in awhile. Coherent, grounded and sharp…nope. more so detached and fluid.

I’ve basically detached from trying to find a solution to my shower issue. Priorities seem like they are on hold. I’m not making progress with anything, I’m lacking focus and resolve.

Definitely feeling confused, I guess my minds trying to catch up with all the scripting. Starting to feel like I’m running behind. Haven’t been able to notice results, or see anything like I used to. Mentally taxed?

Today I had the thought if it’s possible that I’ve been depressed for 10 years? Idk, nothings clear, nothing makes sense.

I guess the answer is time.

Maybe…

Sunday - custom
Tuesday - stage 3
Thursday - LBH

Instead of lbh + dr together? Maybe no custom? Maybe no lbh?

[Geoff]

Washout

Day 4

Lots of processing today, makes me happy to know so much is unfolding and being dealt with.

I still feel overloaded mentally, definitely getting flashbacks of my adolescent life. Always uncomfortable moments, I haven’t recalled any happy or “normal” moments. Just a lot of painful or bad situations. I guess that’s normal since how do you reconcile a happy memory? Lol

…

I’ve spent a lot of money on items pertaining to personal enjoyment and self care. Basically things for me. Definitely a manifestation of LBH I think.

Less need of reaching out to others. Feeling more okay with myself, no urge for external anything. Been snacking on crap here and there but not in an effort to suppress or hide or run away. More just an enjoyment and it’s regulated now. Aka moderation. I’ll take that a small win for now.

Got sent some nudes the other day, unexpected but appreciated. Formed a bond, am portraying strength in conversation and receiving respect and praise from her. It won’t go anywhere due to a few factors but I’m happy because no attachment issues, no neediness and I’ve been handling myself well vs. the past.

Still looking at contractors for jobs on my home, something I haven’t been bothered to take action on all year. I find myself not being pushed into things and presenting a more solid stance regarding what I want. Better frame control and communication towards other men when discussing business.

Coworker offered to buy me tacos for my birthday tuesday. I must portray a stronger aura or vibrate respect/authority from DR. This hasn’t happened in the 8 years I’ve worked at my job, so Definitely related to subs.

I’m starting to take action on things I’ve dismissed or avoided. Exercise is still at least 2/3 times a week. Working back up the momentum since recon and a cold was effecting me. I’ve definitely been running more loops than necessary. 3 loops a week of lbh/dr and 1 loop of custom per week was just more than I could effectively handle.

Going to run LBH and Stage 3 twice per week and probably skip this week with custom. Slow and steady. No point in running subs if I’m getting in my own way. I might even extend washout into this next cycle and just start later if I still feel mentally full by Sunday.

At least I’m starting to be able to reflect on changes/progress. I’ve been locked up in a daze for awhile. Less loops from now on.

[Geoff]

Went to the Credit Union this morning to get a check for a shower replacement. The lady teller looked at me in a way I haven’t experienced before. I made small talk and held her gaze but it was something else. Not sure if she saw me glimpse at her cleavage at one point or saw my account balance but the look she gave me the whole time was tense and really foreign to me. It was exciting though.

Secondly, as I went grocery tonight walking through the store I notice that I’m assertively scanning my surroundings vs a narrow focus of just getting what I need. I feel open and engaging yet my face remains neutral and I guess non animated. I tend to look at others in the eyes and 90% of the time they look away first. I think others sense my presence more so lately than before. Slight aura effect or the way I carry myself has changed.

…

Things are happening, just all around more action taking. I’m not avoiding things anymore nor am I making excuses for inaction.

I guess less loops, less recon allows execution. I’ve been unnecessarily limiting myself/slowing results. Need to pay more attention to my state on these subs, I haven’t been realizing I’m overwhelmed or in reconciliation then reducing exsposure…no I just kept the schedule.

I’ll be adjusting and keeping track more, going forward. Important lesson learned. To support myself is good. I’ve been running these subs to fix myself, instead I should use them to help and heal myself. The perception was skewed. I was rigidly following instructions regardless of impact thinking it would work out sooner or later. That’s unhealthy

[Malkuth]

Happy Belated Birthday, @Geoff.

Was just catching up on your journal and saw the news.

Wish you many more trips around this beautiful Sun.

And may this year bring you blessings beyond your imagination.