Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Journals - Major Programs
#122

Washout

Day 2,

Was listening to the same music again last night. One song took me back to where I was with one of my exes (the one I was back in 2017) the one I completely fell for and lost my identity when she left.

Anyway, we were at the movies and I was giving(or taking) kisses and I was so full of love(or lust) and felt such pride being with her so when she half heartedly said “stop” I felt complete rejection and felt myself shutdown from the hurt.

As I’m remembering this, feeling this while the songs playing, I realize I’m not as affected by it. And oddly I feel I shouldn’t be listening to these songs anymore. I felt convinced I think.

Maybe DR was trying to move past things that the music was bringing back. Protection sequence initiated kind of thing.

Emotionally, all this music has been dull. It just doesn’t have the impact it used to.

And while this memory of my ex still crosses my mind today, I realize the point is the rejection. How much is affected me, how open and exposed I was. How little frame I had then.

I think the lesson is to see how this all happened, how my behavior created her behavior. How all the pain and stress of that relationship was a byproduct of me lacking masculinity, emotional control and maturity.

I should be able to let this memory go soon. It’s starting to make sense now why out of the blue I found these songs and started listening.

Everything happens for a reason, even when at first you don’t understand. Still in a great mood. Tired and sore from small consistent workouts. Looking forward to a productive, positive and restful weekend.

Cheers :grinning:

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#123

I’m on a One Tree Hill music hits journey right now. My first day of wash out from DR ST1 with lbfh

Feeling all the feels and realizing how far I’ve come in my healing journey. Even if there’s a lot left to work through, it’s still beautiful.

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#124

Washout

Day 4,

Sleep the last two days (fri/sat) has been trash. I don’t know if it’s paragon or what but I slept between 3 to 6 hours the past two days along with getting sleepy in the evening, and if I gave in and sleep at the wrong time(which I did) I wake up at 630/7am which is normally when I go to bed.

Point is, seems like my body tried to switch to dayshift this weekend.

@SaintSovereign - (see above) Does Paragon have scripting to affect circadian rhythm and adjustment of the body’s clock? Turning a night shift guy to a day shift guy?

All I know is I couldn’t fall asleep midday, and I had to consume caffeine to stay up this morning until the time where I can go to sleep. Maybe this is a bloom?

…

Aside from the sleep issue, I noticed a lot more looks out in public. Now I did get a haircut sat, which I don’t like and will be getting fixed but I don’t think it’s that. It’s been slowly increasing the past 2 weeks.

I’m not used to positive attention. In fact my whole life has been 90% negative based attention. I don’t react well to positive attention, I tend to wonder what ppl want. Or I am cynical in the fact that I believe ppl who give positive attention to me is them trying to manipulate/pacify me to their end.

I see compliments as flattery, a disarming technique to make me more easily manipulated.

Call me paranoid/pessimistic/cynical but it’s been the standard in my life, hard to break free from the automatic assumptions and expectations.

I have been working out yet I haven’t noticed much change in myself but maybe I’m walking different or others see something I don’t.

I’m still trying to figure out what it is. I can’t say one gender looks more than the other but I notice women look and their expressions are lacking. They don’t smile or scowl, it’s more just a blank look with a slight vibe of curiosity maybe. Like they are trying to understand what they are looking at.

Men who look seem to have this look of recognition and usually quickly nod to me, there is no long stare or longing look of comprehension.

Idk, maybe it’s improving body language from DR, increasing masculine behavior. Or just the real me shining through after 20 years of crap finally removed.

All I know is, there is Definitely a challenge I’m facing with attention acceptance. I automatically think there’s something on my face or clothes. That there is something wrong - that must be why I’m being looked at. I’m not sure what to do to embrace this.

LBH comes to mind, self acceptance, self love ect. But I’m just not interested in running right now. If I’m being honest I’m afraid that letting love in will take me in the wrong direction. Will soften me and I’m soft enough, I want to be hard…like cold steel full of discipline. (I’m trying compensate for living such a weak life)

I think deep down that I think love is weakness. I know it’s not, but deep down I fear love. I fear feeling weak, vulnerable and exposed and somehow LBH gives off that impression in me. But I do recognize logically this is all false. But emotionally it “feels” true.

Lots of work to be done, things are moving forward nicely so I’m happy.

Edit: Spelling

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#125

Do you listen to music regularly?

Do you find music helps purge emotions or put things into perspective?

…

As I said in my post, I don’t listen to music. I found it odd at first that I was drawn for a very specific group of R&B songs that I used to absolutely love years and years ago.

Unbeknownst to me I found it was to trigger specific memories so I’d go back through and feel it all to heal it. To understand my behavior and actions which caused the girls behavior(as a reaction to my dysfunction as a male) to cause me pain. A biofeedback loop so to speak. A reap what I sow experience.

I notice that since quitting music, the peace in my life, both inner peace and external (environmental) peace has increased exponentially.

Music is programming along with emotional influence and can cause a lot of unhelpful things and even complicate ones inner world more than one realizes.

But to each their own. Thank you for sharing :slight_smile:

#126

I got what you mean. Positive attention confuses and pressures me. I wonder what they want of me, what the expectation is.

Compliments to me is either people being polite or people are pacifying me. Either way they don’t mean what they say.

I feel this wholeheartedly. The reviews of LBH are overwhelmingly positive but to me one 5 mins session of LBH sent an army of recon. I know theoretically what love is but in practice the more pure the love the more foreign it is to me. Just like you I’d rather be tough and alpha. I distrust the unforeseen interference of love.

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#127

All of the above, especially the real self showing. I don’t know exactly how it works, maybe your authentic original spark is attractive.

But yes, flattery and cheap talk can be simply a mechanism to being toyed with and it’s only a self protective measure to be wary of it.

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#128

I’m a musician and love music very much, but I was drawn to very specific music to help me go back in time and heal those parts of myself.

Wasn’t my usual cup of tea per say.

I don’t allow music to program me but maybe on a sub c level it happens automatically?

Music is love and love is music for me.

I’m happy you had that experience though. :heart:

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#129

Hey Geoff awhile back I realized that I was afraid of success because all I’d ever known was not getting what I wanted. How would I deal with getting what I want, that’s scary! lol

But yea I know what you mean. For a long time I had this crazy experience of walking a tightrope of one one side there were the negative people who only wanted to bring me down and sabatoge me. and on the other side neutral or people who could only see the good in me. But that negative attention had me not wanting to take advantage of great opportunities of people who only saw the good in me. I didn’t want them to have to see that negative side of attention I was getting because it was the craziest thing it wasn’t even in their reality. I could see both sides and everybody else only saw one or the other.

Stuff like that is what helped me decided to go all in on Dragon Reborn. I’m actually coming up on a year and I’m only on my second cycle of Stage 3. I’ve made great progress and much of it was hard won but I’ve still got things to work on in myself. But with LBFH I think that adds a whole new dimension for us!

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#130

So you listen to stage 1 for how long? Like 4 months? I did 3 cycles and thought that was good but I’m impressed.

It’s crazy(in a good way) how this sub works. I’m in awe of the effectiveness most days.

There really is no better base then healing before moving to other types. It’s so important to commit to DR fully and I admire your dedication :slight_smile:

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#131

I did like 5-6 months. I was at the end of my rope. My idea going in was as long as it takes. Per stage. It was great for me. But after the fact I see the benefits of only 2 cycles per stage.

I’d already have one entire run through the program on 2 cycles per stage. I’d most likely also cycle back through each stage individually because it is Dragon Reborn. Right now I’m ready for a break but I’m still 3 cycles away from finally completing one run of DR.

So I think everybody has to do what’s right for them individually. I was also running supporting titles the whole time so my reasoning was that I’ll just run each stage longer because I didn’t want to do Dragon solo. I wouldn’t have stuck with it if i had to do it solo.

#132

Interesting, any reason why?

…

I feel the opposite, as if I run other titles, it’s only going to take away from DR. Granted I started running paragon on my 3rd cycle of stage 1 but paragon will be the only one. But non healing titles, that’s a no go.

#133

Healing isn’t a walk in the park.

I’m using Ascended Mogul and LBFH alongside it right now. Money is essential for having the freedom and lifestyle I want. I’ve been unemployed for about 2 years and I really need to get something going but Dragon Reborn became a necessity so I can be free of some stuff that’s held me back. I reached the enough is enough point and so working through that was the only choice but part of that is facing fears and things I never wanted to face. But yea, I need to work on money specifically at the same time and relationships but mainly with myself so that’s where LBFH comes in now.

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#134

DR Stage 2, cycle 1

Listening, day 1

Paragon, stage 2, ascension chamber

So far it’s been a stressful morning. I tried to checkout at the Q store for my 1st custom, credit card declined. So I check my bank, there’s a pending charge of $2900. I have no idea who or for what. Banks not open yet.

2nd, quick meeting at work about benefits. My boss makes a comment about me not meeting numbers last week in front of others, it kind of hit wrong with me. Shouldn’t a leader address such a concern privately?

…

It definitely feels like a Monday.

Aside from my current problems, I’ve been consistent with exercise…a bit sore today.

Motivation for life in general has been waning, the zest for the external, outside myself is going down. I seem to just want to be at home, with myself in my micro environment. Seeking comfort, there’s been a lil discomfort since this weekend past, uneasiness. Still waiting to uncover it. But I have this urge to retreat, to take refuge.

That’s the mood anyways.

I hope today gets better

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#135

DR Stage 2, cycle 1

Listening, day 1

Part 2,

I noticed that I had listened to the experimental flac version of ascension chamber this morning.

Half way through stage 2 of DR and especially during ascension chamber I felt very, overwhelmingly tired. I almost straight passed out. Now I’m not sure if it was just the 1st time hearing stage 2 or the flac version of chamber but it was intense sedation.

Then 20 minutes later, I couldn’t seem to fall asleep, took over an hour. But I woke up feeling quite tired and just wanting to rest.

These listening days always hit hard at first. Or it could just be the unnecessary stress I experienced today.

…

As far as thoughts on effects, todays been kind of “up in the air”. I don’t have my mind on anything really. Today’s been full of autopilot activity, just doing what needs done.

I do however notice that worries are dull, I’m not sensitive to the fear porn around me through media, coworkers ect. I’m aware of the many problems but the emotional connection has been severed and I’m not feeling the stress or fear like I used to. It’s more just a slight annoyance in the fact I’ll need to deal with things vs. The emotional roller coasting or obsessive worrying and speculating and planning ect ect.

To much processing going on to really know anything. I’m okay yet confused…yes, that sounds about right.

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#136

DR Stage 2, cycle 1

Listening, day 3

Been hyper all night at work. Focused and productive yet without motivation, meaning I felt no inspiration for what I was doing. The productivity was just there. Internally driven? Cool

I’ve been working out at work lol. We have this plug gauge that’s probably 10lbs or a Lil more that’s basically a dumbell shape. I do arm raises with left arm, trying to balance out my arms since I use my right arm 90% due to the set up of area.

I do bodyweight deep squats too. I Crack myself up. I’ve been doing something everyday. I’m becoming borderline obsessed, especially with my hip area. Apt, tight hip flexors, I can’t do a primal squat without falling backwards unless I hold onto something. I feel like my body’s just phucked up. But! I’m actually working on it consistently for once in my life.

Normally I would have given up by now. But I’m still at it. Gotta order this custom soon, once my bank unfux that fraud charge…stresses me out.

…

My coworker told me to “stop making so much noise over there” at lunch…basically I’ve been not talking often all week. Feels good seeing how calm, quiet and composed I am vs the old me…anxiously talking and over talking, over explaining, asking questions out of some weird obligatory sense of fear I had.

All gone, I speak when I want. I don’t joke around as much now, and I don’t laugh as much either…I don’t find things as funny as i did before DR. It’s like sensivity to stimuli has been turned down.

…

Short term memory was a little off yesterday. Couldn’t seem to remember things recent. Part of reconciliation/overexposure/processing I’m sure. Not as noticeable this morning.

So far I feel pretty good. Not sure what to expect from stage 2 but so far the ride is easier than stage 1. Smooth would be how I’d rate it so far.

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#137

DR Stage 2, cycle 1

Rest, day 4

Was talking to a friend online, she told me I was "Hella smart"and asked if I thought so.

I acknowledged that I tend to go deeper in thought and conversation than most people I’ve been around. But that I don’t think I am societally speaking.

I asked her if she thought that was why I was alone. That my mind is too much for people.

She said I was intense. Not sure what that means. That I can see things others can’t. “That most people just want to be dumb, silly and ignorant”

…

This got me thinking to how whenever I’m in conversation with people, they tend not to hang around. They don’t engage with me. No one ever asks to know more. They change the subject or crack a joke. People just want to be entertained. They don’t want to think, discuss or take responsibility.

I realized I haven’t been my real self for as long as I can remember. I can’t be myself, everyone leaves. I mean I don’t have anyone in my life now but you get the point.

Friends, lovers…they couldn’t handle the complexity that is me. No one wants to think anymore, to talk, connect or discuss ideas. I’m starting to understand just how much I don’t fit in and how that breeds such solitude in my life.

I’m pretty good about adapting though. I don’t get lonely often, as long as I have some thing to do or pursue.

I felt a little sad in our conversation earlier but understanding this dynamic, Realizing I’m just different not there’s something “wrong with me” is freeing. I spent decades carrying rejection, guilt and loneliness thinking I’m broken when I’m just not average in this regard.

The quote “You laugh because I’m different but I laugh because you’re all the same” comes to mind.

I don’t need to carry this rejection any longer. I don’t need the external, I never did.

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#138

I definitely relate with your entire post there man.

I’ve also had a sense of humor though and even that got me outcasted and seen as a weirdo by some people. Usually the type who want to be serious, who aren’t happy with their lives. Like if I’ve been full of energy I learned not to even go try and share it with people because it would almost make their day worse or again, they’d have judgement of me. But occasionally there would be those who saw it for what it was but they coudn’t let themselves have that freedom because they could maybe see what I couldn’t, the consequences, being outcasted or shunned, but for some of us it isn’t really a choice.

We’ll learn to be more accepting and to play the game as needed. I’ve had to just be okay with whatever and calculate how I approach things and what I say sometimes. I also had to learn to hold back even though that’s not what people like, they judge that so you be more open and they don’t like that either. Not always easy man. But we learn and find our happiness and freedom because I don’t think we have any other choice. :smiley:

So it’s unfortunate that being genuine is not something the world seems to value, and maybe it is because on some unseen level they do sense and know that this world isn’t built on authenticity. To fake happy is celebrated, to be happy is shunned.

And yet I like to keep in mind that I’ll never know everything, it’s impossible. Yet I don’t need to. I can leave possibility open and understand that not everything is so black and white. It’s not always this or that and I think that might be partially the issue with us, we see that on a more conscious level than most people. It’s not always easy to see reality as it is, most people won’t.

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#139

Wow, Thanks, I really needed to hear that in my past few days of recon. A breath of fresh air.

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#140

DR Stage 2, cycle 1

Rest, day 6

Been having many flashback memories regarding past relationships, sexual encounter and just romantic/intimate scenarios. The theme is always romantic/sexual.

I’m not sure what’s being healed because these memories just come up and I see my past behavior and recognize logically that it was bad, cringy or the opposite of the correct behavior/move at the time. But as these scenarios dance in my mind, there is hardly an emotional component.

It’s weird because “healing” to me always had emotions, emotional release but I’m recalling things that should produce profound emotional reactions…yet…I hardly feel anything.

It’s been an interesting day or two, experiencing all these sexually related memories. What an unexpected theme.

This…from the sale page

“Dragon Blood will help you heal and recover from everything that ever wounded you. Your innermost scars and wounds will tighten up and heal.”

Or possibly these two objectives…

1.Reframing of past adversities as learning moments—giving you insight on how to overcome all future challenges (replacing the “manifest challenges” scripting).

2.Energetically and physically release trauma as it happens, remaining unaffected by negativity

Things are definitely shifting, changing. There are these moments I have where I feel mentally blank, emotionless. Like clearing the memory cache on a laptop.

Long term memory seems like it powers up on stage 2. However this whole week I’ve been struggling with short term recall. My awareness of the past day or 2 is not clear. Simple things like daily activity, foods I ate, what I did that day are hard to recall. Is it because these things are not that important? Or because I’m too preoccupied dealing and healing with the past?

I had this with stage 1 but stage 2 makes moments feel surreal. Dreamlike sometimes, maybe I’m zoning out and don’t actively realize it.

Unawareness scares me. I wish I could train and level up awareness.

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#141

DR Stage 2, cycle 1

Listening, day 8

Meh, my memory is below average. I’ve been forgetful. Makes me feel like an idiot.

Starting to crush on a chick who is more incompatible with me than compatible. She’s opening up a side within me that I’ve shut down and put away. I’m not sure how to feel about it. I really don’t think this is good for me but what do I know.

Emotional reactivity continues to be low(a very good thing)

Can I say embarrassingly that I listened to R&B for the past 5ish hours. Best part was the lessened emotional impact. It didn’t hit me with turbulence or cause wild swings like in times past.
But memories, desires and scenarios danced in my mind…why is my life taking this path? Why am I all of a sudden dealing with the sexual past. Why did this girl appear in my life and chase me down even though I put minimal energy into her. Why am I now experiencing her energy affecting me.

Meh…I’m conflicted, more annoyed by all this. These things always end in pain so why even start. I stopped dating and killed at sexuality years ago to avoid pain and attachment so why now.

Only I would be upset by vagina…it comes with nothing but problems I swear.

…

Anyways, still consistently exercising though the past few days (4 or 5) I’ve been ordering food and eating stuff I shouldn’t, so I don’t know. Do I think because I’m exercising that I can get away with it? I haven’t lost weight so no.

I gotta get my shit together.

My minds be in a daze lately, must be more to stage 2 than I thought.

Work is going well, I’m the only one running my cell now due to other guy off on surgery leave. I do feel like I’m being leaned on more but I’m handling the pressure well. Stable and mature, less goofiness and joking.

I’m in between. That’s how I’m feeling…in between. Confused…That’s all I got.

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