Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Journals - Major Programs
#102

DR Stage 1, cycle 3

Listening, day 5

Paragon/Stage 1

It’s been a rough week. I’m working overtime tonight even though I have no desire to do so. I’m dragging at work, there’s just no drive in me.

Thank you @subliminalguy, for your reply. I honestly could not tell if I was/am in recon until your response.

Recon hits differently with this refreshed version. Previously, it was mental heaviness. Cloudy thinking and negative mood.

Now I’m just out of energy in a multitude of ways. A sort of no phucks given but without the attitude. I’ve only started feeling spaced out today. No real foggy brain, no heaviness. I actually feel light in a general sense.

I do feel Bi Polar though. I’m pleasant in conversation, on the phone or in person. My general behavior appears content with a tired vibe. Nothing unusual.

But inside, I’m filled with this angst, a repressed anger towards myself with this “I can’t stand you” vibe. I’m pissed at myself for not having any control.

…

I really don’t want to post a bunch of whining or negativity but I am curious about coping mechanisms and it’s effect on scripting acceptance/growth.

If I pursue comfort food and eat junk I know I shouldn’t to appease my emotional discomfort…what affect if any does this have on the subliminal processing? Is engaging in behaviors like this deter growth from subliminal?

Does giving in or self soothing with whatever vice, remove, damage, or prevent results?

I feel like I’m going into a circular pattern while on stage 1.

  1. Recon
  2. Signs of improvement
  3. Recon
  4. Backsliding
  5. Improvement
  6. What feels like a loss and reversion to the beginning.

I don’t know, I feel pretty confused about about my current to be honest. This new version is kicking my ass to be frank.

I’m chasing comfort in food, all progress is gone as I’m 10lbs up so back where I started 1 month ago. I’m feeling depressed and haven’t made much progress with saving or my student loans ($500 paid in what, 2 months)

Everything just seems stale, stagnant and I’m losing ground.

Maybe I’m processing something big, bad and scary and there’s light at the end of the tunnel but right now I feel like I’ve fallen into the sewer of my subconscious.

Anxiety up, uncomfortable flashes of thoughts. Unrestful sleep. Internally a lack of love, patience, understanding towards myself. I think I’m facing the fact that I hate myself or who I am.

…

I’ve only ran this cycle 3 times, M,W,F - weekends off. I don’t feel overwhelmed or over exposed. I’m just really uncomfortable.

Thanks for all the support. I’ll try to refrain from posting all this down and out reconciliation.

…

Paragon - Does DR take precedent over Paragon? It’s physical healing, I know DR overpowers non healing titles but does that include physical healing?

I’ve had tense muscles and a sore middle back this week and ran Paragon 3 days with DR and there is zero relief. I’m not going to trash Paragon and say it’s not working(cuz it’s proven it does) but I’m honestly curious why my discomfort has gone unattended.

I haven’t really noticed anything from running it, unless it’s merging with stage 1 and that’s why I’m having such an intense week. Who knows but I’m not sure whether I should stay with it this cycle or drop.

To be honest my sense of awareness is shit. I could be experiencing changes and not even know it. I’m too involved dealing with my emotions and there states that It’s hard to be objective these days.

4 Likes
#103

DR Stage 1, cycle 3

Listening, day 8

Paragon + Stage 1 + ascension chamber.

Ran the tracks this morning then passed out. Had a really hard time waking up. Definitely a reconciliation headache tonight.

I’ve been in recon the past week, hell since I started this 3rd cycle with the refreshed files. Some days are better than others.

Saturday I snapped at the coworker I’ve mentioned before who always wanted a ride home.

I’ve been short with most people who interact with me. I was critical of my neighbor calling him out for never staying with a job long enough before he finds a reason to complain and plans to quit. (Dude is 50)

Haven’t reached out to anyone, family or otherwise though my friend from high school called last week. Chatted and he invited me over as usual but I never show up.

…

I’ve had a lot of unpleasant memories this cycle. All I do is agree with the memories, admit that I was at fault and I plan to not be that way anymore.

Less anxiety this cycle but definitely a loss of patience, compassion and tolerance. Not really angry but easily upset as if my nerves are hyper sensitive due to so much processing.

My cup is full so if others try to share themselves, it immediately overwhelms me.

…

Pmo’d the last two days, spent all last week eating out or ordering food at work. My sense of self is messed up. Not sure who I am or what I want anymore. Not sure what is important anymore.

My mindset is spaced out and preoccupied. I’m glad I’m going through this hard cycle but it’s a rough time.

I’m not beating myself up as much, I’m disappointed that I’ve given in to recon compensating behaviors but I know I’m just a messed up guy who isn’t perfect. It’s why I’m here, to evolve.

This too shall pass.

3 Likes
#104

Amen and amen. The Dragon can be Toulon a personE all must hang in :+1:there.

1 Like
#105

DR Stage 1, cycle 3

Rest, day 11

I think I’m starting to move past this last bout of recon. The lust for compensating behaviors i.e. eating, pmo, isolation. Is losing its appeal.

Sometimes when the fog clears and you look back, it can be startling to see how you react to recon. How you engage in destructive or negative behaviors just to dull the pain you’re experiencing.

I’m not sure what exactly or how but I look different. I have more color in my skin tone. I’ve always been white/pale and being night shift doesn’t help but I seem a little more colorful this week. My skin seems different, I can’t really tell. But things are different.

Under my eyes are not dark lined anymore either. Maybe Paragons starting to show.

I had bouts of neurotic behavior this past week, anxiety as I do when recon/processing kicks into high gear. I think running Paragon alongside is a plus.

Cravings have subsided since yesterday, even my appetite has dropped too. Not sure how long that’ll last. Productivity at works been the lowest it’s been in years. But tonight I feel a little more involved vs. Totally disconnected all week.

Half way through this 3rd cycle and even though it’s been tough, I love the clearing and cleaning. Thoughts of running a 4th stage 1 cycle dance in my mind but I’ll move to stage 2 as planned.

Curious if there’s benefit to running 1 loop of stage 1 once a week when onto stage 2? Probably not necessary but I’m curious nonetheless as I’m feeling like my toxic self could never have enough stage 1.

3 Likes
#106

A state has it’s thoughts, behaviours, feelings, emotions etc. What if you dwelled in more loving states?
Persist on what you want rather than on what you don’t want.

See the crap that comes up, celebrate noticing and shift to a new state.

You could also revise what you are experiencing or have experienced.

Change your story :heart:

2 Likes
#107

DR Stage 1, cycle 3

Rest, day 13

Got a decent amount of small things done. That sense of laziness, procrastination and disinterest is waning.

Yesterday I planned on going to Buffalo wild wings and I was in the car, about to order and I just kept stalling…I’d get to checkout on my app and just couldn’t do it.

I ended up getting groceries and binge on 3 vegan pints of ice cream. Woke up today way early due to stomach. Serves me right. Eating them, the last 2 I didn’t finish them. The “pleasure” was gone after the 1st one. The only reason I bought 3 was due to a coupon…lol its like I do the dumbest things and don’t realize it or ignore that voice that whispers to me “don’t do it, you know better”

Point is, the desires still hit me, I choose not to succumb only to appease the desire in another way.

Showered and had the desire to pmo but the thought “nah, use that energy to work out” came on fast and I never did engage. So must be DR having my back.

So I’m still in that dualistic struggle with giving in to the feel good side. But I’m gaining awareness and trying to build on the times I win.

I don’t think I’m going to add anything to my stack of DR + Paragon.

I thought about A love bomb for humanity but I think it’d be too much monday…

Paragon
Stage 1
Love bomb for humanity
Ascension chamber

? My only thought is, I’m already full and processing on just 2 titles, it doesn’t feel smart to add. Leaving this here as a reminder so I don’t talk myself out of logic.

I don’t seem to dwell or reminisce on the past. I love this. I used to have obsessive thoughts due to ocd and while compulsive behaviors still exist mostly when stressed or anxious, the obsessive thoughts are very low if not gone.

Aside from the ocd issue, I wonder if once DR is done and I’m not running healing titles…does the noise come back?

Does the past come back? Because I’m loving the lack of memories. The lack of painful recall (outside of reconciliation)

Random but I don’t understand this.

I buy new clothes, boxer briefs, socks and I never wear them. I wear the same crap rotation for work, I have packages of socks and new boxer briefs I haven’t opened but still run the ripped pairs I have

I bought 7 T-Shirts from “True classic tees” two months ago yet haven’t worn a single one.

Two or three months ago I spent over $100 on some expensive work pants and it’s all sitting in my closet, unworn.

I don’t get it, I talk myself out of wearing it. I have thoughts of, I’m not fit enough to wear those. Or these are too nice to wear.

Is it low self esteem? Am I afraid of being noticed or seen? So I don’t wear anything nice or attractive?

I don’t dress like a bumb but it’s all very basic, solid colors. Basic jeans or shorts. Otherwise for work it’s black dickies pants and dark color t shirts.

I just can’t seem to let myself wear anything new. Not sure what this hang up is but it’s been on my mind, goes along with how disappointed I am with myself, lack of self love.

I should run love bomb for humanity but I feel a strong aversion towards running it…why?

4 Likes
#108

DR is truly uncovering your mindset and that’s a great thing. The answers to your questions will also come in due time. That’s when you will hear the roar of the dragon in you.

5 Likes
#109

How would you feel if you did let that love in for yourself? How would that change how you view yourself?

2 Likes
#110

How about listening M and Th?

This is a definite support ticket question.

1 Like
#111

Done - #9869

…

I have 2 more listening days then I’m done with stage 1.

2 Likes
#112

I’m not sure why I don’t want to run LBH. Partly fear, partly I’m running paragon and get irritated running too many things.

Moving to stage 2 Aug 1st. So maybe swap paragon out and add LBH for stage 2? I don’t know, when running multiple titles it’s hard to gauge what title does what.

I do think I am afraid of love though. I’ve been rejected so many times that I reject it as well.

2 Likes
#113

I understand where you are coming from since the first girl I really liked rejected me and it stung for a while.

The case for LBH is that it will also help with self-love. You don’t need to run it now (although make sure you have ordered it while it is free). You could run it after DR is done since DR will remove all your limitations including your feelings with respect to love.

But you could also run it along with DR to handle the irritation, reconciliation and any other unpleasant experiences you are having right now.

It’s absolutely up to you of course. Am just laying the facts so you can decide.

3 Likes
#114

I think I’m just worried that running it will take away from DR.

And not to sound weird but I like the discomfort and reconciliation, it tells me it’s working.

I think if I felt pleasant and stable on DR, I’d think it wasn’t working because I expect to feel low or busy or challenged and thinking a positivity title would offset that.

…

I appreciate your responses, it helps with perspective.

I guess I might just be a purist when it comes to subs. Or a less is more type. I have so much riding on my healing, I just don’t want to interfere, but at the same time how can love based scripting interfere with healing?

2 Likes
#115

DR is said to be a traditional masculine title and I think there is something special about that especially in a world where men are largely feminized. Am glad that you know what you want.

Stick to DR. It is powerful by itself too.

5 Likes
#116

Afraid of love. I really, really relate. My fears stem a lot (now) from me hurting myself, like thinking I’m not worth it (all that stuff that’s rarely spoken). Staying away from both guys and gals, imagining very bad things happening (all in a flash), and me making instant decisions to hold back, stay away, or most often, obviously quietly rejecting them. I then turn on myself (very often). So, I do it to myself now, and it still hurts.

I’ll begin LBH Wednesday, and I have some fears. Because I’ve equated being vulnerable with being hurt. You’re not alone.

I do agree with @Lion about Stage 2. It’s a different ride from Stage 1, so give it some time to know what to expect.

But when I saw the sales page for LBH, I knew I’d run it. Having no intimate relationships presently has been becoming more prominent in my awareness. I’d looked at another company’s product for finding love—but what attracted me was it increasing a self-love. So when I read about LBH, I smiled. This is what I want and need. Exactly what I need. So that’s why I’ll be starting it soon. And I’ll be starting Cycle 3 of Stage 2.

Trust yourself. You are worth it.

7 Likes
#117

DR Stage 1, cycle 3

Listening, day 15

Work went well. I had a quick conversation with a new (to my shift) guy start last night. Nothing too important except that I noticed myself not overexplaining.

I used to over explain to people about anything due to insecurity or fear. This was great to see. I just said my peace and that was that.

My sense of self is improving. When I look in the mirror, I see myself differently. I know paragon must be having an effect on my skin and tone but this is more perception of self. I’m not critical of myself though I’m not praising myself either.

I’m less reactive. I don’t get nervous, antsy nor do I fidget. I seem to be more stable, calm and centered.

Even during reconciliation, I might be going nuts or feeling turbulence inside, but on the outside I’m quiet and composed. I really like the self regulation DR has cultivated.

I don’t remember the last time I really worried about anything. Sure I’m concerned about things but worrying…nope, no more. If things bother me, I plan on a solution and get started on the remedy.

I walk straight, I stand more at work. Posture is good and I just feel a lot more mature inside, not like a scared boy forced to act grown up but a growing sense of maturity coming from within.

This 3rd cycle of stage 1 really made a big difference for me. It’s been a butt kicker.

Grateful to all the support too, all you guys rock.

8 Likes
#118

I just have to say I’ve been in a great mood the last 2 days.

2 days ago, mon I ran ascension chamber after my titles and this has been the first time I wasn’t sent straight into reconciliation.

My appetite has increased as well the past 2 days, that’s new. I also really like the vibrancy I see, my skin and tone. I just look healthier.

I feel positive when I look at myself in the mirror. I feel a little more willing to accept that I am attractive, instead of always deferring to rejection of my appearance.

Internally I’m in a great state, I feel as though I have lots of friends and a great love life…yet externally in life, I have no one and haven’t been talkative at all. It’s weird, inside I feel full, content. Even the stresses of the world aren’t getting to me.

…

I just feel so grateful right now, for the opportunity to feel this good…this “clean”. DR has cleared out so much that I feel free in this moment. Will it last? Probably not but will fluctuate. However at this time I really feel great about everything.

Thanks for everyone on this forum having my back and supporting me and for being so welcoming. I hope to pay it forward for years to come.

4 Likes
#119

DR Stage 1, cycle 3

Listening, day 17

As I’m Listening to my last day of this cycle, I just feel grateful. So much heaviness has been removed from me. Mentally and emotionally, I feel lighter. Less burdened for sure.

I honestly feel ready to move to stage 2 which is nice because after 2 cycles I was not, 3 was what it took.

…

I noticed at work I make an effort to swing my left arm as I walk, lol the conscious effort makes me look awkward. But with my job, I use my right arm like 85%, of the time. I definitely feel unbalanced and have been putting energy into addressing this.

I’ve been using a big plug gauge at work as a dumbell and working my left arm periodically during my shift the last two days.

I’ve also find myself just exercising, no real plan, I don’t make myself…I just do 25 kettlebell swings before work or sometimes after. I just did a few sets of decline dumbell presses.

It’s pretty awesome that this positive habit is evolving and becoming borderline automatic. It’s not full workouts but the consistency is what I need. Small steps taken daily is better than one full workout once or twice a month.

…

My levels of patience have improved. I don’t lash out or freak over things much anymore. My ability to remain calm is improving. I’m developing my ability to be non reactionary.
Just remembering back how emotionally volatile I used to be, how so full of pain and grief I was…man, what a change. So much progress in 3 months…I can’t imagine how much better things will be at the end of this journey.

This is all just so awesome.

7 Likes
#120

Washout

I just wanted to say that this morning at work I found myself listening to music. I don’t have a radio in my car, been years and I don’t listen to music. I couldn’t tell you a popular song on the radio today.

I listened to songs I remembered from 5 years ago. At first it was uncomfortable as I wasn’t used to the noise. Then it was surreal. Some memories came back but nothing felt negative. I wasn’t being pulled around emotionally.

…

It seems like DR Stage 1, took all the crap from age 20 to 37 and threw it away. I’ve been feeling how I was when I was 17 to 19. Innocent, happy and high on life.

I feel like the shit was the cleaned up and the “me” hidden under it all is finally able to shine again.

I just saw Michels post about DR and this part of his response rang true for me "It’ll cost you your current self but your real self will emerge."

Exactly what I’m experiencing. :slight_smile:

10 Likes
#121

Yes! I’ve found that micro workouts add up. Say if you even just did 5 kettlebell swings every hour, over 8 hours that’s 40 reps. Or if you have to walk somewhere short every hour and you could carry your kettlebell while you walk. Say while you’re at home you just carry your kettebell every time you go to the bathroom or downstairs and back up, something like that.

2 Likes