At least some humans.
6 Likes
DR Stage 1, cycle 2
Listening, day 8
Stage 1 + ascension chamber
Had some anxiety and teeth grinding within 10 minutes of listening this morning.
Woke up to a headache, Iām 16 hours into a dry fast so who knows why the headache appeared.
My coworker has been overly chatty with me at work. After he seemingly accepted my boundaries with rides, it looks like heās warmed up to me again.
I see his character and his reactivity so Iām kind of neutral towards to him now vs before when it was more friendly.
Also at work without any effort put forth, Iāve noticed the older guys who used to throw jokes at me about whatever they could just stopped. I never got upset at them, I just laughed it all off but I havenāt noticed any in maybe 3 weeks to a month consistently.
Iām definitely chatting less, when coworkers come over to chat, I realize they are not interested in a conversation, they just want to kill time and avoid their work at your expenseā¦Iāve started cutting that off or just acknowledging them as I continue walking or working if Iām at my station.
Feels good to be more in control of myself, my immediate environment.
Iām still working out consistently each week, working on addressing things Iāve ignored or avoided for years. My hips/feet and legs are just not right. Doing the primal squat/slav squat is very difficult for me. Shows Iām not in alignment so Iām working on this a lot.
Working on a quick dryfast too since Iām off work until the night of the 4th. Curious to see if my discipline will carry into the fast.
Iām quite interested in changing myself but Iām not excited and hopeful. Iām in this slow and steady, consistent grind mood. The mental attitude is more mature, Iām more dialed in and accepting of the small steps, instead of trying hard for a week and asking why Iām not fixed yet.
I used to have constant noise in my mind. Now for the most part, itās quiet. There is no anxious, insecure worrying, no nagging of insecurities.
My mental state the past week has mostly been āit is what it is, until I change itā
Hesitation out of fear is not in my way much anymore.
Indecision is not as overpowering as it used to be.
Frankly, Iāve lost a lot of desire for things. In a good way, I realize I just donāt need much and when I āwantā things, I ask myself why and find out the root of the desire is unfounded. Vain, meaningless or based in an old insecurity or belief that doesnāt serve me.
Maybe Iām starting to see this objective take shape within me:
Develop your inner child from that of a ākidā to that of a mature, powerful āadultā
Edit: 11pm - running 1 loop of Paragon zp. Headache just wonāt quit and figure it might help with my dryfast.
6 Likes
DR Stage 1, cycle 2
Listening, day 10
1 loop Paragon + DR Stage 1
So far Iāve done PMO 3 times in the last two days. Still dryfasting. I am really pissed at myself.
I realize that taking vacation days off work is not beneficial for me. Idle hands are the devils playground.
No work, no purpose + fasting = pleasure seeking + no willpower.
I have no energy to work out, no energy to go anywhere. I feel like Iām backsliding. Out of anger towards myself I want to stop fasting and start doing things, chores, work outs, cleaningā¦none of which Iām doing because Iām zapped.
How do I maintain purity for lack of a better word when Iām off work, home alone for days. Maybe I need to look into customs and load it up with the related modules. Honestly Iād rather not rely on outside tools but how do I overcome this weaknessā¦this sickness. The flesh is so weak.
Normally fasting kills all sexual desire but this fast it seems to be the opposite. Just seeing a half naked or even just sexy female sets my imagination off when a week ago I couldnāt even tell I had a dick, zero sexuality.
Out of personal accountability I write all of this. I feel like a loser and Iām still debating what to do. Push through or reset. Maybe I should fast when I try Spartan.
Maybe this whole thing is a positive that I canāt see yet. I doubt it but itās possible.
A deep wish of mine would be to eradicate sexuality in myself, it brings only weakness, manipulation, pain and destruction in many ways, not just physical. If I could overcome and ascend beyond the carnal, that would free me in a way I canāt describe.
I see sexual desire as a weakness. Itās a weapon pointed at myself. Iām tired of losing.
5 Likes
DR Stage 1, cycle 2
Listening, day 12. 1 loop Paragon + 1 loop stage 1
Dryfast done at 4 days, went for 5 but it got old fast and I didnāt see what I was wanting so 4 it is.
Saw that my ex was working last night at the gas station. I had half a mind to go in and if we interacted I had thoughts of what Iād say. But I never did, I wonder why Iām still so effected by our past. My self esteem needs work. I feel wronged by her honestly. Iād like it healed, almost 2 cycles of stage 1 and Iām still feeling angst over itā¦whatās up with that.
ā¦
I was planning 3 cycles of each stage but Iām wondering if it should be two. I havenāt felt much or should I say noticed much this cycleā¦that makes me think itās time to progress but Iām also thinking a third cycle canāt hurt. But if stage 4 is all 4 rolled into one, I could just run that longer?
ā¦
I look forward to tonight when I wake up rested, going to work out now that Iām back on food and liquids. I want to get back into the routine Iāve been slowly building. Iām down from 139 to 130lbs. Going to start sculpting muscles, fixing body alignment too. I ordered a kettlebell for the 3rd time. First two I bought, used awhile then sold. Letās hope it sticks this time, letās hope discipline stays and gets stronger.
5 Likes
DR Stage 1, cycle 2
Rest, day 13
Been low key sad the past day. Feeling a little rejected, ignored and maybe lonely. Being off work the past 5 days has been eye opening to how closed off I am. For good reasons but it has a cost.
My neighbors interact with me whenever they see me which is cool. But Iām not really ācloseā with anyone.
I seem to be missing something though. This dull feeling of what I can barely define as sadness feels like a void. Subtle questioning thoughts run through, such as āwhat am I doing all this forā
I think Iām disappointed with myself but thatās as far as Iāve got.
I think I get more stressed being home than working 50+ hours a week. Wonder why that isā¦
I didnāt work out yet, still look a lil thin in the face and not enough energy or drive to do stuff. Wasnāt expecting this, just in such a mood of disinterest but also wondering why I do what I do. Maybe the fast caused this reflection. I definitely donāt feel as grounded as I was pre fast.
Iām less interested in the material, earthly, physical stuff and I guess itās showing. Maybe by Tuesday Iāll get back into the grind.
But for now, Iām kind of all over the place today.
1 Like
DR Stage 1, cycle 2
Rest, day 14
Listless, empty and bummed out. These 2 day weekend washouts really can be intense. I thought yesterday was just a 1 off day but it continues today. That foggy, lack of mental focus feeling is back. So Iām in reconciliation. I thought I was through the hard stuff as I wasnāt noticing much negativity this cycle until now.
Feels like my inner child is whining. Crying out but no one is listening. Such a heavy feeling the past day, of rejection and loneliness. The past is being put in my face but I canāt consciously see much but I feel a lot.
Felt the urge to tear up earlier but nothing happened.
I donāt know much else but current state since saturday is Listless - ālacking energy or enthusiasmā. 100%
This too shall pass, but itās bumming out my vacation.
3 Likes
DR Stage 1, cycle 2
Listening, day 15
Paragon + Dr stage 1
Forgot ascension chamber this morning.
Been looking for ways to cope through recon. Last night/this morning I ate some snacks I didnāt need and pmoād twice. Not proud of myself.
I canāt handle for off work or idle for more than 2 days I think. I also struggled with discipline, couldnāt get myself (over 6 days) to pull the cutting deck from my mower. I couldnāt get myself to do other minor things that could have used my attention.
Been low key depressed, but as usual itās just a heavy mood/feelingā¦not something Iām acutely aware of. Thereās no subject Iām dealing with. So itās hard to work through.
I guess Iām going to run a 3rd cycle seeing how Iām in the middle of something, going to stage 2 doesnāt seem like the right step? Idk, not sure what the right move is. I wonder if running paragon this week had something to do with this little healing crisis Iām in.
ā¦
Back to work tonight and Iām hoping I snap back into my grind, but right now Iām just so anti-everything. I keep making the same mistakes, even when itās clear to me they are not good for me.
This all just feels like backsliding big time. Maybe this is a positive? 2 steps forward, one step back journey. I do feel opened upā¦exposed in a way, maybe thatās where the coping behaviors are coming in. To deal with that feeling of vulnerability.
ā¦
Washout in 2 days, the desire to move to st. 2 has been strong but I think itās for the wrong reasons. Wanting to finish early to move onto other subs. Wanting to move through stages quickly so I donāt go too deep.
These are not good reasons, letās dig in and get this toxic shit out.
Thinking about running 3rd cycle with CFW, or paragon. Not sure, maybe solo. I need to stop overthinking, things are obviously working, I donāt need to overwhelm myself.
8 Likes
DR Stage 1, cycle 2
Listening, day 17
Paragon + stage 1
"Definition of listless
- : characterized by lack of interest, energy, or spirit a listless melancholy attitude."*
Man, I got the above bad. I feel so ungrounded. Iām doing all I need to do daily, but my presence just is not there. I donāt feel sad, I just feel absent from myself.
Tomorrow marks the 4 day washout. I plan on running another cycle of stage 1. Especially since this weird Listless recon showed up.
I definitely feel detached, like my body and Spirit are apart but connected by a chain. I have yet to return to myself and thatās how it feels.
Been running on autopilot since I started work, before that I was indulging in base instincts to cope with whatever has been brought up.
I wish I could explain just how weird it feels, how misaligned I feel.
2 Likes
Washout, Day 3
Itās been constant. Stress, low motivation. Angst like hell.
I feel burdened and stressed and overwhelmed but about whatā¦I donāt know. Itās all in the background.
Iām tired but when I try to sleep Iām wide awake. Google signs of high cortisol levels and I check over 3/4s of the list.
Iām right back to 138lbs, even though I havenāt eaten anything that would warrant a gain of 8lbs +.
I think stress is driving me into a low key breakdown.
Since running paragon the past 10 days I noticed my hands are dry and more rough. Iāve always had hydrated, soft hands for a machinist. I use gloves when dealing with coolant. But they have kind of dry/rough so thatās new as my routines have not changed.
Iāve also felt itchy, light itchiness randomly. Nothing localized, no rashes, no bites. Maybe psychosomatic?
These both since paragon, could be indications of healing?
ā¦
Iāve been having strong urges to move to stage 2, I think something in me doesnāt want a 3rd round. Or maybe Iām worried itās too long and thereās not enough time to dedicate a full year.
Iām too stressed, following the slow kill of the U.S., fears of economic hardship. Iām tired of my student loans hanging over my head while I work and canāt save worth a fuck.
No matter what I do, how hard I try itās not enough. Iām tense and upset as I write all this. I canāt relax lately. Being a Type A personality with Ocd is a fucking curse.
Iām just fed upā¦but no one cares and why should they. This world owes me nothing. Iām failing to cope.
I hope DR is updated today so I can run stage 1 updated Monday.
4 Likes
Been dealing with masculinity insecurities. A little passive aggressive in communication with family. I have a lot of hang ups dealing with trying to be a father to my son when I donāt know what Iām doing. I tend to avoid being a dad out of fear Iāll make him worse off.
I lack so much masculine guidance. Have too much insecurity and fear surrounding be a role model, a rock of support ect.
Thoughts and issues of childhood coming up. Resentment towards to mom for her criticism. Resentment towards my unknown father for abandoning me. It stings still not knowing who he is. How can I just let go, Iām old enough not to need this shitty baggage.
I still have a long ways to go. Looking forward to seeing how the zp refresh affects this cycle. I need more clearing and cleaning.
4 Likes
Forgive him. Even if you donāt feel like it. That way, you will feel deserving of forgiveness for your own mistakes too.
Breathe in deep and exhale giving him your forgiveness. If you feel yourself fighting it, say that you are doing it for yourself.
We bear such great burdens when we bear grudges and resentments. I know I had to forgive many things in my own life. Itās a journey in itself because you drop pieces of your baggage along the way until one day it isnāt there anymore and you can finally straighten your back, stand up straight and walk with your head held high.
Peace be with you, brother 
9 Likes
And to get the ball rolling for you it might help to keep in mind that when it comes down to it youāre doing it for you. I know it might seem selfish if weāre still stepping into our full self-respect and care. But thatās likely one of the things that got us here, putting our needs off to the side.
So donāt let go for them, do it for you. Who feels bad when you donāt forgive? You. Who feels freer and lighter when you let go? You. As a side benefit you are in fact helping the world by doing your part. Once you come into your full power then youāll find ways to help out in more outward ways.
But never underestimate the help youāre giving the world when you do your own healing and inner work.
4 Likes
@Lion Youāre so right! Why give people free rent in your head. Iām better but I still am challenged by forgiveness.
2 Likes
DR Stage 1, cycle 3
Listening, Day 1
1 loop Paragon + Stage 1 DR (updated file)
Listened this morning, within a few minutes I noticed my heart rate increase slightly. I fell asleep within 30 mins so all good.
I woke up 5 hours later due to storm/downpour of rain. Been up since(been 2 hours now) so itās going to be a long tiring night at work.
Since being up Iāve felt pressure in my head as I do when I first start a sub. Iāve had racing thoughts and consistent memories flow through my mind. The memories are quite uncomfortable. A lot of it is looking back at things Iāve done and things Iāve accepted in the past when I was a dysfunctioning alcoholic and seeing myself now with a sober mind. Itās hard to embrace. I feel waves of shame.
I can tell however that even though itās mentally intense, I donāt feel overwhelmed so maybe thatās an improvement. I know inherently that Iāll get through it with time. But my mind does feel heavy today, busy in fact.
ā¦
I took lionās and abc333ās advice. I thought of my parents one by one and said aloud that I forgive them and Iām doing so for me. I did it a few times whenever thoughts came up or I felt negativity towards them. Iāll continue to forgive them until it sticks.
But since running a loop today, my mind switched from that issue to just a swarm of uncomfortable memories.
ā¦
Iām a little irritated about losing sleep and knowing I have to get a haircut in a few hours before work is pissing me off. Probably just recon but maybe itāll subside.
I get upset too easily when things donāt go or are not the way I want. I guess thatās a lack of masculinity. Acting like a petulant child inside. Iāve had images of myself lashing out/acting out in situations and itās embarrassing to imagine. Shows I donāt have the maturity to handle things? Or itās my inner child trying to accept the new me/scripting while reconciling the old.
Edit: 2 hours after posting I have a headache. Iām relating this to sub as Iāve done nothing else out of routine to warrant one unless itās just from lack of sleep. Not as pissy as earlier but still holding this feeling of general annoyance. Iām just annoyed with anything and everything it seems. Iām glad I did not run ascension chamber this morning, I can only imagine how that would have intensified things.
4 Likes
DR Stage 1, cycle 3
Listening, day 3
Refreshed paragon + refreshed DR Stage 1
I realized that I resented my mom for my childhood. The constant correction, high stress interactions, daily breakdown of my emotional stability and sense of self.
I forgive her knowing she couldnāt help her own pain and anxiety. It did major damage to me but Iām still here. Iām working on healing so all hope is not lost.
I love my mom even though she was not good to me, her intention was good I believe, the effect just wasnāt good.
Anyway, I write that to say this. I realize I only had my childhood and my mother to learn from. I donāt know what a normal or even healthy relationship looks like. Iāve destroyed every relationship Iāve ever had whether conscious or not.
I treat my son in some ways like my mom treated me. I realize Iām critical of him. I focus on telling him only how to operate in this world. Doās and donāts and when he does bad things I give him the cold shoulder or am sharp with my disapproval. Just as my mom was to me.
Even as I condem the actions of the past, I repeat the same unbalanced behavior. It hit me hard yesterday. Finally seeing how I behave. My son and I have no bond. At least for me there isnāt. Judging by his behavior around me Iād say itās lacking for him as well. I canāt say I havenāt tried but so far it hasnāt worked.
I am emotionally unhealthy. I was raised in an emotionally void household. My sons mother is the opposite of me. Full of warmth and what Iād call passion(not in a sexual way)
Iām happy that she fills our sons emotional cup so to speak because I rarely hug my son. I just never grew up with hugs or closeness. Iāve been seeing how empty, how void of love my life has been, family/child wise and romantically as an adult. I crave love but then reject it when it shows up. I try to give it but it doesnāt receive well that Iāve seen.
I feel broken when I think about it all. But I guess all I really need to do is adjust my behavior towards my son. I donāt want to pass on my toxicity to him but avoiding having him around is not a solution. Something I did for a long time when he was younger.
I donāt have to be my past. I need to emulate healthy behaviors. I wonder what a good role model or healthy examples of parenting/relationships would look like. I guess following the 7 virtues is a start. The fruits of the Spirit in The Bible come to mind. But in the absence of not knowing what āto doāā¦ I can at least start by stopping what ānot to doā
ā¦
The new refreshed files definitely hit harder than last cycle. Iām grateful to have this 3rd cycle available and itās intensity higher. Things are hyper processing and this was a big epiphany for me.
I will be honest and say that since monday(2 days ago) Iāve been consuming more food. Not so much junk food, just more calories. It kind of feels like Iām compensating for painful issues/recon but not as strong as an suppressive urge as in times before when I was definitely running from my feelings.
Could just be an improvement to recon management in the refresh or a changing within me. Granted Iād rather not over consume but at least it isnāt as destructive as it was.
ā¦
My kettlebell arrived last night. I hope to start getting back into it this weekend. I did some light lifting yesterday but nowhere near what I need to do. Motivation struggles all last week and this one too. Productivity at work has dropped to baseline also. Things just donāt seem that important. I have an almost indifferent attitude towards it all. No more, no less mentality. Iām not stressing over it but I do recognize I need to improve.
No one achieved their goals through indifferenceā¦at least not the goals I have.
4 Likes
I would accept those truths and then drop them!
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@subliminalguy I work on myself at least 5 to 30 minutes a day and sometimes when I get caught up by emotions. I do tap everyday
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Does stage 1 ever get better?
It seems over these 3 cycles that I went from recon, to feeling great, to gaining empowered motivation, to anxiousness and recon, to negative thinking, to healing, to recon and loss of motivation towards my daily life.
If one ran stage 1 for 4 or even 5 cycles, does it ever get better or should I say stable? I assume not due to it being a breakdown stage.
ā¦
Iām feeling beat down finally. Starting to get those thoughts of āis this enoughā " Iām getting tired of this" not really knowing what āthisā is, that Iām tired of.
I lost all will to work my job anymore than minimum. I havenāt even opened the box to my kettlebell yet. Iāve lifted once in whatā¦ 2 weeks. And Iāve gained about 8lbs this past week.
My moods been indifferent but slightly positive. Iāve been stressed and overly attentive towards the current state of the world/U.S. and Iām sure thatās taking its toll on me and it isnāt easy to ignore.
I guess Iām just looking forward to the end of this 3rd cycle. I feel kicked while down in a general sense with no real empowered feelings lately. Just out of steam with no energy for anything extra.
Iād like to turn over a new leaf, I donāt enjoy my current state but I feel forced to be in it as Iām not moving from it for some reason.
4 Likes
It does swing from low to high in my experience too. The low part is it changing old beliefs, and once cleared, a temporary euphoria pops up.
Once completed, it resumes digging down until it finds another blockage, and the cycle repeats itself.
So yeah, it goes back and forth. Itās kind of cool though that sometimes you know itās digging on something really NEEDED.
Itās all good
2 Likes
More rest days might tone down the recon too
1 Like