Geoff's Journal (Dragon Reborn)

Journals - Major Programs
#62

Rest, day 14

I had a pretty great Saturday. My son helped mow the lawn. It was his first time on a rider mower and I explained everything and he listened. I noticed I was confident in explaining, and I was able to let go and trust him to execute.

Normally, I’d be anxious and have trouble “trusting” him to handle a machine with care. No issues, I mowed with my machine and let him mow another area without looking over my shoulder.

After that was all done, We all went out to get thai food. I actually dressed well, in a way that would get attention. I wasn’t trying to hide myself.

In the restaurant I talked to an older lady behind our booth about the food.

The owner also chatted with me for awhile. Where was this confident, social attitude coming from? My mood was strong and positive.

After food, we went to see jurassic world dominion. I noticed that I was detached more and looking for the big picture while watching. You know how you get pulled into a movie and it affects your emotions? Well that did not happen, even in the few “emotional scenes” I was able to remain unaffected and I loved it.

Basically I had emotional control and it was great.

After movie we stopped at a gas station and I made a comment about gas prices to my mother and a guy across the pump chimed in talking about how much his fill ups cost, made small talk for a min. After, my son said to me that “I talk to everyone” and I think he meant it as a compliment.

We headed home but stopped at a nursery/shop/small kitchen place and I bought two plants and got my son an ice cream. Went home and transplanted the starts and helped my son with his Xbox. They left awhile later.

…

I felt like a “dad” for the first time in a long time. There was a lot of maturity within me and I felt in the Lead. I had really good communication with my son. There was no negativity or frustration on my part.

It sounds weird to say, But I’m growing into the man(mentally) that I’ve tried to be for years now. Whatever was in the way before, fear, anxiety and trauma is being removed.

I am exercising my will within my environment and it’s working out.

I’ve not felt calm within myself in so long. I remember last year I was full of fear and my heart would beat fast at the thought of confrontation in any case. Id look away from people at work, in stores if they met my eyes.

Now I look around and whenever I lock eyes with people, they nod or look away.

2 weeks ago I locked eyes with a chick at grocery store for about 15 seconds as we walked by and I held the whole time until we passed each other. It felt good. No fear + strength.

Things are just going well. But physically I need healing so I’ll be trying to address that aspect in the future. For being 37, I shouldn’t be feeling so beat down.

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#63

Rest, day 16

Had a nasty headache all night, was given extra responsibility at work and it was just a rough night. I complained once…normally in the past it would have been many times.

Things were not going my way, but I never stopped trying, even after boss (after my text update) told me not to worry about it…I still kept going.

My frame just keeps improving, my drive not to give up is getting stronger.

…

The past day or so I have had near zero desire to talk, reach out or even write on here. I can’t explain it but I’m so okay with just me…I’m not looking outside for anyone or anything. This is a long time coming, since needy behavior was my middle name in the past. What an awesome gift.

I have noticed it’s taking me 1 hour + to fall asleep this week. I sleep well once asleep but getting to sleep is an issue now.

As far as physical stuff, my facial hair as I posted about last week has definitely changed. Sections that didn’t connect, connect now. The texture of the hair is softer and feels more full. The pace of growth is a little faster too. This has to be DR as I’m not doing much else besides juice fasting and lightly working out.

I haven’t felt or experienced any healing moments like when I first started, nor has my mind been dwelling on any one thing.

If anything, there’s this quiet focus on letting go in a general sense. I’m just doing things, nothing has really stuck, nothing pulls at me…I feel no burning desire or attachment to anything. It’s peaceful, I feel kinda free at the moment.

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#64

Listening, day 17

1 loop of DR Stage 1 this morning.

It’s been a weird few days. I feel like I’ve lost my personality. No desire to talk to people, no desire to join in social groups, no desire to engage in conversation. Just quiet as hell.

Even within my head I feel kind of blank. It’s not brain fog or mental overload, it’s the opposite, like I’m on a highway with no traffic.

There is really nothing I’m focused on issue wise. My interest in work has gone down too. It just doesn’t seem that important lately. I’m not chasing overtime and I seem to just want time to myself.

I must be distancing myself from things, that’s what it looks like. Subconsciously I’m stepping back.

Maybe I’m reevaluating…integrating.

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#65

Day 18, Washout

A few hours ago at work I had a rush of irritation, seemingly out of nowhere. I thought it was due to the heat, even though it cooled off by 3am. I started feeling like my nerves were being gnawed on.

An hour before shift was over anxiety poured in and I started manifesting compulsive behaviors (fuck Ocd) to quell it. I almost spazzed out. There really is nothing more embarrassing for me than the inability to control oneself due to Ocd.

I thought maybe things were smooth sailing seeing how I wrote previously in posts how I didn’t seem to think I was dealing with anything, then bam! All this intensity within shows up. I’m feeling quite uncomfortable.

I don’t know what is going on, it could be detoxification from my diet/detox regimen or the sub or both.
But the past two weeks I’ve noticed a semi conscious, unwanted awareness of my breathing. Uncomfortable hyperfocus type of thing.

I didn’t think much of it but it’s related to my autonomic nervous system, to my adrenal glands which are responsible for many things, emotional regulation, stress response/regulation, steroid and neurotransmitter productions, sugar metabolism, mineral utilization and kidney function/filtration.

Then I start experiencing Ocd symptoms and anxiety.
I really hope my mind/body is working to heal whatever caused the Ocd. I could die happy having cured it. It is such a curse. Super uncomfortable morning.

I wonder is adding paragon next cycle would be a good idea?

I guess things, deep things are being brought up. Perfect time for a washout and hopefully a bloom.

One cycle down, 2 more to go.

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#66

Paragon goes amazing with dragon IMO, i love the combo. It brings a great element of psychical healing to dragon which is very important

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#67

Did you run it on stage 1? Both cycles?

I’m thinking about adding it for my 2nd cycle. Not sure what’s up with me but it’s affecting me physically.

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#68

Yeah both cycles

#69

Washout thoughts

Man, I’ve lost patience and tolerance since yesterday.

Edginess abounds within. OT sheet posted for weekend, normally I’d jump on it but I feel such an aversion to it.

It’s been hot the past few nights (all we have are open doors and industrial fans) I wonder if it’s just adjusting to the heat…it can’t be. I’m too unsettled internally.

Definitely working on something, my attitude is short when in conversation. Whatever trauma this is, must be deep. I can’t seem to tolerate noise, peoples presence…I wish I wasn’t at work right now. It’s the opposite of what I need.

Note to self: Remember how you feel going through this, it always passes. Don’t do or say anything to others that will cause damage over a short term healing crisis.

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#70

Financial stress

$28k in student loan.

$3k loan left from replacing all doors in my home (was a need)

Total savings $21k

…

Constant stress over what to do. Constant frustration that I’m just not able to save much this year due to increased prices everywhere. I’m so tired of this hanging over my head. I have no other assets to sell to get the $10k I’m needing in total.

I hold no hope in “forgivness” nor am I really a proponent of it, it’d be nice but I’m not a sign holding reject with entitlement.

…

Thinking about wiping out the $3k loan this weekend. Leaving me exactly $10k short of loans. People have suggested taking a 401k loan out for it and just letting payroll deductions pay myself back once I’m “debt free”.

It’s tempting since the world is in “controlled demolition” and once the world is reset, our 401ks won’t really exist will they? Speculation but it has merit.

…

Part of me just wants to sit on my savings. Just do nothing and let my paychecks chip away.

But then there’s talk of me losing my “money” in the bank when a cyber attack hits, or power goes out or some other event the world is likely to experience in the future.

So what to do?

Use it before I lose it?

Shit is aggravating me to no end. I am not going to stop DR to run RICH ZP lol…

Just had to write this all out before I had a meltdown.

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#71

I haven’t felt so out of control in awhile. The illusion of safety, the illusion of freedom. I feel like I just realized I never had as much power as I thought I did.

Nothing but our free will is ultimately in our control.

All of life struggles, the constant toiling. It gives us definition of character but what meaning.

It’s such a weird feeling to see myself so powerless here(in the world) but at the same time see true power within.

It’s like the saying “needing nothing, attracts everything”. To be complete invalidates desire.

What am I trying to do, why does all the stress I experience matter. I try to do this or that and I never think back…all the “big problems” I had years ago were solved and new ones appeared so I struggle to solve them only to create more to solve.

Is that life? Problems on a time-line?

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#72

4am thoughts

Been feeling escapism urges, thoughts of breaking no fap, eating more (comfort) and now thoughts of downloading grubhub or uber eats apps in anticipation of working OT.

It’s like all that frame, strength and calm confidence left. Something is trying to pull me backwards into weakness. When is this shit going to pass.

I’m angry at these thoughts, this is not the time or place for weak behaviors. I’m not this guy anymore who indulges in comfort eating or pmo to distract myself myself from discomfort.

Man up and do the right thing, thoughts don’t have power unless you give them power.

…

I’m not prepared, I can’t prepare for everything in life. Is this why we don’t have 100% awareness…because we’d freak out if we were to realize just how vulnerable we are?

Thoughts of insignifance, inability and delusion. I’ve done a great job so far but it’ll never be perfect. I’ll never have everything covered. How can a man ever be self sufficient, truly.

What am I truly aiming for…

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#73

Funny how throughout the spazzing, constant insecurity and anxiousness yesterday/this morning…I somehow just continued to take all the right steps.

I logged into my bank app, just went right ahead and paid off that $3k loan with zero hesitation, as if DR was in control.

I went to the store and bought what I needed to juice when I got home for tonight’s shift, got everything done systematically and efficiently.

Woke up, got ready and now I’m at work.

…

It’s weird to see myself completely losing it within but on the outside look so calm. Reconciliation? I need to get a better grip next time the spazz starts showing up.

I feel good about my decisions for once.

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#74

DR Stage 1, cycle 2,

Listening, day 1

Ran 1 loop of Paragon early this morning due to headache and some tight muscles.

Spent the last few days of washout being quiet, I did some light work outs and am now working on doing the squat position a few minutes a day.

Who knew I couldn’t get into the squat position, I start to fall backwards. I have flat feet and they over pronate and I don’t think my skeletal system is correct. So this will be something I work on.

Been looking for ways to improve, jumping on things that come to mind. I cleaned my gutters and made compost tea for my garden this weekend, which I’d put off all month.

It’s like my mind doesn’t get in the way now, I realize I have something to do…and then just do it.

Diet is still tight, I’d like to Dry fast next week but not sure if it will work out planning wise. We will see.

…

Been having thoughts related to resentment and regret. A lot of undiscovered anger towards my exgf, even past lovers for wasting my time. After my investment, just walking away.

Now I understand the situations and that life works that way. But I need to come to acceptance over this. Letting go, fully. I know deep down I’m still holding on to crap, I can feel it.

I need to understand that I invest too much in people, namely women but even male friends in the past. I want people to stay? So I invest and it pushes them away? They see the weakness in me right. I have to move past this.

We read about matching others investment in relationships. I grew up thinking that if the more I gave, the more they’d give. Ha!, not in today’s world. But I don’t want to grow cold, I just want to grow strong with a warm heart being able to give when I see those who deserve it.

The resentful feelings towards all those whom I’ve allowed to hurt me due to my lack of strength and awareness. I have to let go, hopefully that is what this 2nd cycle will help with.

If I picture my exgf, I shouldn’t feel hostility. I want to feel differently, what exactly? I don’t know…maybe peaceful acceptance.

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#75

DR Stage 1, cycle 2

Listening, day 3

It’s been hot at work, sweaty ect. I haven’t complained, in fact my mind goes to “it’s not that bad”. While my coworkers periodically whine about it.

I feel like my sadistic side is growing, I’ve always been into self deprivation until those emotional traumas took over my life. But I’ve been enjoying moments of discomfort.

I’ve been gaining more consistency in my physical endeavors. Not putting things off, just getting it all done.

I don’t feel as rushed and anxious over things that need doing that used to overwhelm me just a month or so ago. Posture, and walk is still upright and confident. I’m Really impressed with how little I say these days. I try and get off phone conversations quickly.

I get to the point, I’m less hesitant in communication, meaning I am not trying to filter myself for others benefit. I’m not rude, it’s just what I want to convey is conveyed in a direct and positive way without hesitation of wondering how the other will take it.

I’m just a lot less emotionally driven and it’s awesome.

Develop an extreme sense of internal power and strength - I think it’s this objective that’s coming through.

…

Been thinking about my exgf and past lovers. Been thinking about female nature and I realized just how I must have looked to the girls I was with. Cringe…

I understand, I would have left too. And my inability/unwillingness to accept it and the toxicity within me all those years.

Truly I was the problem at large. I get butthurt focusing on the little things they did or didn’t do but I fail to see that I was the issue and they were just reacting to me.

I’m so glad this is all being processed. I don’t ever want to repeat the past. I looked at my girlfriends to lead, to support me emotionally. Wtf, being fatherless and being raised by a single mother does mega damage to a boy.

Reframing of past adversities as learning moments—giving you insight on how to overcome all future challenges (replacing the “manifest challenges” scripting). - I think this is what’s working on understanding myself in the past.

…

Truly, it’s always about masculine strength within a man, and until now I had none. It’s my job to lead, to be in control of my life. As I said in a post early in this journal. “I am alone, it’s all on me”.

I’m loving the sense of internal power growing, something I never had. It’s only stage 1 and I feel like I’ve grown so much.

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#76

Become more assertive and prevent others from abusing or misusing you

Create strong boundaries against those who habitually and intentionally attempts to “cross the line” with you

…

Coworker that I’ve given rides home over the past year asked me to this morning. I honestly did not say yes or no but just started talking about the situation. I guess he took it as a no because later on in the shift he started giving me the silent treatment lol.

He didn’t look at me at the time clock, didn’t speak to me either.

I find it almost funny when previously I’d be anxious and feel fear towards not being liked or being displeasing to others.

I don’t feel much if any negativity about the situation. I didn’t feel the need to back pedal and offer a ride last minute.

I feel in control over the situation and frankly amused at his decision to act like I don’t exist because he didn’t get his way and had to ask another coworker.

I’ve given him many rides, the one day I’m not into it, it’s a huge issue based by his actions.

Eliminate, dissolve and overcome all sense of fear, especially those preventing you from living an emotionally healthy life

Definitely seeing the effects of the above 3 objectives from the sales page. I could go on about who is in the right, how he should get his license back ect, ect but that is not the point.

The point is to show much stronger I’ve become internally after only 1 cycle or so. I’m really feeling happy with myself. I’m losing that people pleasing mindset. I just don’t seem to let others problems effect me like they used too.

It’s weird…I’m running DR but sometimes it feels like I’m running ascension and glm or reaping the benefits of them. Maybe bits are in DR.

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#77

They are masculine leaning, but I’m glad you get the benefits of Ascension style boundaries and masculine inner strength.

2 Likes
#78

DR Stage 1, cycle 2

Rest, day 4

The courage to be disliked.

Barely any social interaction on tonight’s shift. I made a comment to my coworker at lunch which he nodded to along with a nod when we first started working. Not any other interaction.

While I don’t feel as anxious about the awkward environment as in the past with situations like this, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t used mental energy thinking about the dynamic.

Several times I was looking to engage in a conversation about his behavior, one time I felt agressive due to me feeling defensive over my decision yesterday. I’m more tired today than usual due to the emotional energy expended in my own mind over this minor situation.

I realize that I’m fighting myself internally, trying to reconcile the fact that I do not need to cater to others. I do not need to care about how others see me. I do not need to act in ways that puts me in favorable light with others at my own expense.

I’ve been a little edgy tonight over this, mostly just trying to hold firm with my position within. I don’t owe anyone anything.

…

I used to order myself food through uber or grubhub and sometimes buy extra for others without expecting or asking for payment.

I’ve bought my shift steaks previously so we could all grill out and no one ever paid me back or did the same in return for us all.

I stopped doing these things probably back in late March when I was trying to stop binge eating and all that fun shit I wasted MY $ on is out of mind. No one really gave a shit, it was just something they could all consume without paying.

I used to provide value to be consumed by others at my expense, in so many ways. And it yielded me nothing.

Now lately, I’ve gotten two comments over how I don’t do things like that anymore. As if it was expected, just likes rides.

People really don’t like it when you change, grow and elevate. Crabs in a bucket mentality for sure.

I feel almost socially ostracized tonight, but whether that’s actually valid or not at this time…I think I’ll be okay with it. I literally know no one who is like me, who wants to constantly improve. I started my journey of improving at age 12 and I’m still going. I don’t need others friendship, validation or support even if I feel fear over it at this time, I know DR will help move me past it.

I realize that my affiliation with my coworkers has been transactional. Once I deny someone, it’s like I no longer exist or am a stranger all of a sudden. Doesn’t feel good to embrace this but I’m grateful to see people’s true colors. While I’m sure sooner or he will come around again and things may smooth out, I’ll never forget how he and others truly see me.

Cheers to reconciliation and moving past the weaknesses. I want a shatter proof frame and a bulletproof mindset.

4 Likes
#79

DR Stage 1, cycle 2

Listening, day 5

Ran 1 loop 1 click higher volume than usual.

Coworker started talking to me this morning at lunch, I guess he got over me putting up boundaries. It’s not back how it was but there’s interaction now. I’m okay either way.

…

Been noticing a lot of little compulsive behaviors last night/today. Must be stressed out. If I’m being honest, I’ve been watching too many sources of news about the world, food shortages, energy crises, preparing for civil unrest ect.

I think it’s effecting me more than usual, I haven’t been my usual unaffected self, more so drawn in and I need to step back.

Not sure if the compulsive behavior is from this or the subliminal working on deep stuff.

…

Been staying consistent on physical activity, even added a few more exercises yesterday. The momentum is building slowly, consistency is key for me. I’d rather do 3 exercises every other day than bust out a full workout twice a month.

Been on juices predominantly for over a month or so, maybe even 2 and today I had a salad from my garden. Felt good to reap what I sowed. Satisfying. The fruit of labor type of thing.

Haven’t been dropping weight this month, more just holding steady at 139. About 12 more lbs at 127 and I’ll probably be good to bulk muscle. Learning how eat I’m realizing is much more important than just losing weight. I’ve fasted then gained back weight for years.

I have to continue with eating to live, less is more mentality. So far these subs have cleared away what got in my way, needs to stay that way.

…

I really can’t complain this week. Progress continues, sometimes slower than I’d like in ways but I haven’t stopped moving forward and that’s what counts.

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#80

Moderate reconciliation since I woke up. Only reason I think is I listened to the loop this morning a little louder.

Been thinking about getting Buffalo wild wings - dopamine searching, emotional eating.

Out of the blue sexual thoughts, thoughts of looking up pictures - emotional coping mechanisms

Light headache, edgy almost lost mood. Been pacing around not wanting to do anything but also not really sure what to do.

…

Tonight is really showing me how much of a life I don’t have. No wonder I work all the time. I don’t mind being by myself, it’s being alone with nothing to take care of that bothers me.

I’m too critical, of myself and others. How can I can be more accepting of others and stop giving my solution based opinions all the time. It gets on my nerves how robotic I can be, like efficiency and “the right way” is all that matters.

I can’t fit in socially, I get uncomfortable and don’t understand the point of being around others with no focus or aim…the whole “to just have fun” does not compute for me. If there is no purpose to being with or around someone, why do it?

So I must be a lone wolf personality … or I’m just highly dysfunctional. One label does not make one feel bad and one does. Perception is a funny thing.

…

Idle hands… that’s what’s getting to me, with most responsibilities taken care off for the night, vices are trying to take over. Something is driving it all of course, which I’m not aware of but DR is…I guess my job here is to deny myself through the grind to the other side.

Why does the urge to give in always feel stronger than the urge to hold strong.

This is just another test, don’t give in. You will regret it, just like everytime before. I seem to have a short memory when it comes to slip ups, mistakes, cheats, giving in and how it felt after. That feeling of regret needs to stay present for times like these.

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#81

Fuck 'em. Now you know what humans are really like.

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